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Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now(1000 Posts)
1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!
Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1
I do agree with others @Notcoolmum you keep coming back to the same problem. This isn't the first time you've felt like this. You are describing THINGS you like and not him. Things that you can get from other men. Only you know the answer, but maybe have some time apart for him to see what he actually wants. 😘
Thanks all. I do know you talk sense. It is him lifegoes and the connection I feel we have. I've not had this with anyone else before. But there is something lacking and my insecurity keeps edging away at me. Which isn't healthy
Thanks for all being supportive. I think I'll need to call on you all over the next week or two as this unfolds xx
@Notcoolmum maybe you need to grab control on the situation and actually address your concerns with him. I'm not sure if you have?
But the more you don't, the more you maybe pushing him away anyway.
I'm sat watching station 19 and there's a guy on there. He's my idol man!!
I just keep sitting thinking why can't I have someone like that, someone who just grabs his woman. Goes for her and is all in. Why am I sat here on my own. 😫
Commiserations notcool and life I am also sitting here on my own right now!
Pondering over what I'm doing/am going to do about my situation. Just feeling fed up today.have been 'off' for the past week or so
I'm also sat here tonight thinking why the f**k do we put our selves through this shit, OLD is just brutal.
What a bunch we are! At least we have each other.
Which sounds strange but it's nice to have people to talk to, who know how it's feels.
I'm bored already of the apps, I'm getting matched and they are talking to me. But I'm just all "I wish these would bore off"
I hate knowing what I want from someone in away, as I end up just bored of some men
@lifegoes so have also been back on the apps. A few matches on Tinder but only one messaging but he’s not grabbing me and my hearts not in it enough to try any harder and a few matches on Bumble but I am not in the right frame of mind to send any first messages (don’t know why I’m even on there to be honest). Urgh.
Alone together I like that!Yep feeling alone right now for sure. Asserting boundaries in a fair non-accusatory way and getting a pity-party in response.🤦♀️
sunshine it really is shit sometimes isn't it!
(Yeah they amounted to nothing, but they were what my mind needed to move on)
That's what I'm waiting for now, someone to grab my attention.
What's happened @CocoKoko123 I feel as if I've missed some posts from you?
life I don't think you have missed any of my posts - I've been reading thread daily but just checking in with non-outing posts which probably don't make a lot of sense.had a lot of wobbles in my 'relationship' - don't know wtf is going on or what to do any more about any of it.
I feel like I'm going to have the period from hell. I know it's just the HRT patch kicking in but I'm really not feeling it today. I've called off MrWow coming over tomorrow night as I've just not got anything of myself to give. He's totally understanding and it is just a blip but I can't help feeling bad. I was in perimenopause over 10 yrs ago when trying to get pregnant so I guess this sudden surge of hormones has knocked me for six! Do any of you ladies think your feeling of apathy towards dating/dates is linked to your hormone cycle?
too no I think my lack of apathy is due to a lack of any decent men in the dating pool!😆
Coco awww ok. Hope you are ok?
God I do worry now, as I've posted so much on these dating pages I've probably outed myself completely.
Too mine is overdue so it probably Is that. Hope you are ok 😘
Well I decided to stop taking my pill on Monday after MrSAS and I ended as I don’t like putting hormones into my body unnecessarily and I can’t see me having a sex Life for a while (especially not without condoms) and now I have cramps and am spotting but I only had my period last week
Another thing I can blame on him.
@Ash559 think we are all just feeling the loneliness and the disappoint of OLD
Yep ash agree with life's sentiments.just sick of getting hopes up only to have them dashed
Yep ash agree with life's sentiments.just sick of getting hopes up only to have them dashed
Are you ok *@CocoKoko123*. If you’re worried about outing yourself but want to talk anything through in more detail, you could PM me (I’m sure others would be happy to talk it through in PM too).
Sorry about the hormone-related problems @TooOldForThis67. Female hormones are crap. I have a mirena coil, so I don’t bleed but I still know when I’m ovulating or when I would have had a period. And it definitely does make me less reasonable (I think it may explain my morning of overthinking about MrSG pinching some chocolate that I bought).
That said, I think @CocoKoko123 is right that hormones could only scratch the surface of why OLD inspires apathy. 😂
Sorry to hear about the period pains too @Sunshineandflipflops
I love the coil for the same reason crustaceans. And also happy to talk over DM coco
Thanks crust started typing a on but then gave up - couldn't even find the words lol but thank you x
Right I'm going to try and compose a brief pm guys as could do with your advice
Another listening ear if you want to pm here Coco
I'm another mirena user. Random bits of spotting but no proper cycle, works well for me.
Going swimmingly with Mr Far here. Had random texts from an old iron this morning, had a friendly chat and brushed him off.
Hah! Well he didnt call. Classic him really, totally incapable of any decisive action. Expecting a pathetitext tomorrow saying he got in late blah. This makes it a ton easier to just move on tho.
super probably a good thing as reinforces your decision to move on
At least you can be sure that he’s a flakey nightmare @supercali77. You definitely don’t need one of those. 😂
Thanks coco and crustaceans.....I'm back on tinder. With that familiar sinking feeling in abs city. How long has it been ok for men to pout In profile pics? No wine in the house
I shall look forward to getting back on the apps and keeping an eye out for
Come and join me on the OLD bench @supercali77 I've just unmatched a guy as soon as we said hello he gave me his number and said ring me so I cum whilst listening to your voice.
Oh and best question of the night
"Strangest place you've woken up in the morning after a drunken night?... mine was a wheelie bin last week"
over the age of 40 also 👀
No the wonder I'm convinced I'm single for the rest of my life.
@CocoKoko123 hahaha. Trying to complete tinder.....wondering if this Is emotionally healthy
@lifegoes on the bench with ya pal. Single men over 40 should be banned 😂, sorry men over 40 on this thread....bitter woman for the next 48 hours
In the past I found I got bored of swiping on tinder and just wanted to get to the end but then every time I did get to the end I'd be disappointed!
Not sure I've got it in me to go back on the apps-would be great to just meet someone IRL. I too think I am destined for singledom forever more!
@supercali77 it's acceptable to be bitter for a short time.
@CocoKoko123 I much prefer real life meeting to OLD I must admit.
just deleted all my accounts fully and reset them back up. I've lost a lot of conversations on tinder. But thought a fresh start was needed.
Can't wait for a few weeks time when we are going on dates and sat laughing about how we were feeling sorry for ourselves 🙏🏻
Oh fuckety fuck. Mr C is having a BBQ on Sunday and guess who's going to be there? Beach woman. He checked last night I'd be OK with it. I did a twinkly little laugh and said "Of course darling, it'll be lovely to meet her!".
I am an intelligent, articulate, attractive woman. I can do this without making a twat of myself. I've only got to be nice for a few hours... or I'll realise that she really does have a thing for him and be my most passive aggressive possible self. What could go wrong? 🙈😂
Oh no jesuis! Mind you must be quite intrigued to see what she is like? Nothing will go wrong you shall be as cool as a cucumber!
I've woken up gutted by it all. Its myself I'm most upset by. When I list the things I ignored and put up with....the disrespect all because he 'said' I respect you. And I knew all along. I've never ever done that before. E.g. completely ignored my best instincts. Very disappointing. Come back off the apps for now. Too soon.
I mean, I've ignored red flags before but not that many, not so completely
jesuis come on here on Sunday if you're feeling stressed and we'll talk you down.
You are a fantastic, funny, sexy lady. He is lucky to have you.
supercali I get that - mine also said 'I respect you' and I just thought no you don't you're being a headfuckery fuckwit!
jesuis meeting her is a great thing. It will demystify her and once you see how Mr C is around her you will know you never had anything to worry about. Plus she sees he's invited you as his girlfriend. 👍
supercali but you took charge and did listen to the red flags. You may have been slower than you'd have liked but you ended things after 2 months. You've been awesome.
Men really talk a lot of shit that they don't mean, it's natural to feel hurt by it
I'm on the bench too, a few OKC matches I might fancy but that preliminary chit chat is so boring, feels like being at square one
Also signed up to Guardian Soulmates which seems to be empty despite the number of men in my 'matches' list. I've fired off a few likes but apart from some men out of my age range, people are looking at my profile and toddling on, or not online at all.
I'd say the warm weather & impending bank holiday are to blame - that would be the perfect time to roll around with an exciting new fella or be with someone special.
So going to have to make some plans to be out and about. Trying to remind myself that you don't get anything by complaining about it...
Help! True guy I am talking to on tinder has just asked to see me as I am now.
Is that normal?! My main photo was only a couple of months ago so so I just say that or take a photo and send it?!
@supercali77 dont be too hard on yourself. All the red flags you've ignored just reinforce in your mind what you should not accept in future relationships.
@Notcoolmum thank you. I needed to hear that x
@CocoKoko123 is it over between you know or just end stages?
As expected. Text this am. He got back late, was I still up. Hows it going. It's amazing, the capacity to know you're not behaving properly but be friendly so you can walk away saying...but I was always nice.
@JeSuisPrest thanks love, I know this will be a good lesson in the end.....its just a bitter pill right now
To the thread - does it happen a lot and do you oblige ? Do you ask the same of guys ?
I've sometimes been asked...I guess I understand where people are coming from especially if they've maybe had a few experiences of investing in texting and arranging dates and the person doesnt look at all like their pics
@HairyArsedMan don't think anyone has asked to see my pics at that point in time. I've offered a spontaneous pic if we moved to whatsapp though.
What do people think of Guardian Soulmates these days? Worth joining?
super end stages - need it to properly be over so I can stop wasting my time.we had plans over next month but guess they'll have to be cancelled unless he's happy to go as friends.got some child free time coming up but as much as I would want to put myself out there I'm also loathe to be back on the apps!
supercali do you think you need to go NC with him or have you got questions you still want answered? Was it you that deleted all your conversations? I can't imagine feeling strong enough to do that. All the photos we have sent each other and the chats we have had 😢
Isn't the worst thing in life the fact that you will help and support others, always.
But no matter how much you cry out for help or support, not one person is there for you or try's to give you support.
eesha I'm not sure I see the point in sites other than Tinder and Bumble these days. When I was on GSM years ago I'd see the same faces on the free sites anyway. I don't want to do POF as I can't bear being contacted by people I have no interest in.
Sorry you feel like that lifegoes. I've appreciated your support and happy to support you x
@CocoKoko123 MrSAS and I had plans to go to a gig on London and stay over in a couple of weeks. When we ended things he asked if I’d still like to go as friends but I know me and that would just delay the healing process for me, so I declined.
I know what you mean about being back on the apps. I went back on to distract myself from him and have now got talking to someone but my heart isn’t in it.
@Notcoolmum One way of avoiding a lot of unwanted messages on POF is to keep your profile hidden then mark whoever catches your eye as a favourite - wait for them to contact you. Unlike Tinder you can still view people even if your profile is hidden. If you're really keen send them a message first in case they don't checked who has "favoirited" them. I found this a much better way of doing it that keeping my profile public and getting all of the "hey pretty lady" messages... 🤷🏻♀️
What’s your plan for getting closure, @CocoKoko123?
@Eesha my friend (in london) met her now husband on GS. But it’s total tumbleweeds up here. And the couple of profiles there were, were... verbose and a bit worthy really.
I’d assume that being asked for a photo now means something thinks your photos are misleading/old. Or that they’ve experienced this in the past and just want to check.
MrSG had short hair in all his photos but had been growing it. We had a conversation about his longer hair (actually he asked how I felt about it, and offered to get a hair cut 😂). I got him to send me a selfie showing his hair (only because he was making such a fuss about it). Then I told him that he looked great (he did/does) and that it’s definitely up to him what he does with his own hair. 😂
Only one guy has asked me for a ‘today’ pic, a full-length one as my profile didn’t have one. I sent a new selfie (clothed, obvs) but I felt resentful, like I was a piece of meat and he was bossing me around and questioning my integrity. He responded positively but for me the damage was done. I’ve never been asked again. WYSIWYG until the first date and I get to choose both, as does he.
jesuis I'm happy to avoid POF. Unless that's where you met Mr C??
I went on Bumble. Chatted to someone who seemed nice. Is looking for his soulmate. Thinks life is too short to settle for less. He asked to swap numbers and I felt guilty that a) things haven't actually finished yet and I was just dipping my toes in to see if there were still interesting looking men who might be interested in me and b) not fair to waste the time of someone who seemed to be seriously looking and involving them in my head fuckery. So I said my goodbyes and came back off. He said he'd like to talk to me again when I decide the time is right to get back on.
I just want the one I like to like me back in the same way. Too much to ask?! It would seem so!!
I took a photo and sent it and have heard nothing back (he's seen it). Fair enough as not sure I actually fancy him anyway but I really don't look any different to my Tinder photos!
@CassettesAreCool thats bit how I felt - like he was weighing me up and deciding whether I pass his test. Surely you do that before swiping right on someone?!
@CocoKoko123 Yep, I know that feeling. We had plans over next month too (hotel for my birthday). Do you reckon you could actually be freinds soon after a breakup?
@Notcoolmum Yep I need to go NC. I had to delete precisely because I do have questions but I know none of the answers will give me closure. Also, trying to make sense of a person who's so OTT about their feelings for me one minute and then the opposite or evasive the next? I don't have any fondness for it.
@lifegoes We're here for you life, virtually! Thinking, if you or anyone wants to do a whatsApp group - PM me. it's easier for me. But either way - for you mate
life I feel your pain - that's exactly how I feel too
crustaceans I don't know yet.guess I just need to rip the bandaid off!
Thanks @Notcoolmum I didn't mean you at all. Just IRL.
I've been feeling really low and lonely now for a week, I just can't shake it off. I'm doing everything I can to keep busy and get back into OLD but nobody I see on there or speak to is doing anything for me.
Which in turn is really making me think about my last two Ex's and even though they were no good for me and treated me bad. I can't help but think I just want them back. (I know it's just to fill the void)
I feel so worthless and low right now, and just hate the fact that no matter what I do. I'm going to be alone the rest of my life and that hurts. Really hurts.
lifegoes that makes me sad. Is that you're just wanting support from men or friends in general? I wish I could help
Thank you @supercali77 and @CocoKoko123 you lot are going to make me cry. All of you on here are always so lovely to me and supportive. Thank you.
I don't have any full length photos on Tinder but that's because I don't really have any (difficult to get full length pics of yourself!). I also don't particularly like seeing pictures of myself full length as although I'm not big, I would like to be a stone or so lighter (as most of us would) and I just rip myself apart so don't take them.
I'm going on holiday on saturday so maybe i'll have some ok photos after that to add to my profile.
@StealthNinjaMum it's strange I've never wanted or needed a man. But I'm watching my friends be so busy with holidays/weekends away with their husbands. My son is away all the time with his GF.
I just want to feel wanted by someone I guess.
We should have a dating thread girls night out!
All my friends are married/settled too and busy doing their own thing, which is fine as I was too until 18 months ago. Most of the time I am ok being single but I do miss that connection with someone and feeling like you're being thought about.
I don't think OLD is going to give me what I'm looking for but the alternative seems to be to give up looking.
@lifegoes yeah, that's the tricky part, knowing they're no good but feeling like you need something - I think it's just that intimacy/closeness/physical touch a lot of the time. I am pretty wretched today too...we'll get through it. Keep the faith. Listen to some Lizzo!
Oh lifegoes you are always so lovely and supportive here we are all here for you and hope talking helps. Shame we don’t all live nearby we could start a Dating Woes with wine club
You are both right @supercali77 it's the connection you miss. Just that something that puts a smile on your face, the butterflies and excitement etc.
Love that song. We will get through this, I think I'm hormonal which isn't helping at all.
@Marlboroandmalbec34 😘 thank you.
I like the wine part 😂😂
@lifegoes i hear ya! Last days on the rag. The joys. Fortunately, all his fuckwittery and being loaded at work means i've not been eating properly and lost enough weight to fit into an old pair of jeans. Silver linings, keep looking you'll find them lovely. The right man is out there. You've learned your boundaries.....well & truly earned your stripes, what you'll accept, you'll know him when you see him x
I'd be up for a dating thread night out!
I'm not particularly heartbroken,not at all tears - been here so many times. More a sense of frustration at how unfair it all seems and that I've had my time wasted yet again.
I understand lifegoes I found the Easter bank holiday hard as there were happy couples everywhere. I think we have ups and downs and I'm hoping a virtual hug from me will help lift you a bit. You are a lovely person - just like all of us on this thread - and it will get better.
None of my friends even knows any single men. Even the singles Facebook group I joined has virtually folded as people get coupled up...
I'm with lifegoes. I would just like someone to care and that I can be spontaneous with. Every single thing I do is hard work. I'm off to my counsellor soon. I can see bad behaviour now. I can see who's worth knowing and who isn't. Not just in dating. But if I'm not even getting as far as having dates, I almost feel what's the point of making myself the best version I can be. Our childhoods have a lot to answer for. I'm 53 now, I want to experience unconditional love. I want to enjoy myself. I feel like I'm getting more and more miserable while I "wait" for that love to happen. My life is pretty full, mostly, but it's hard work...
Lifegoes I'd definitely be up for a dating thread night out. I totally empathise with the whole 'feeling low' vibe that it going around at the moment. I am an independent woman with a good job, two grown up kids, a lovely house and yet I still struggle to find someone to treat me well. I seem to attract losers and idiots! I know that says something about me and I have been actively dating guys who I would not normally look at, and picking up red flags earlier than I would usually have done, mainly thanks to the support on this thread.
I am seeing the guy I met last weekend for a date this weekend, and we have been texting regularly all week. I don't know why I haven't given him a name yet, but for some reason I just can't think of one. He is a sweetheart, but totally not my normal type. Nice enough looking but quite overweight and not a smooth talker, but witty and intelligent. He lives a fair distance away but luckily enough no country lanes are involved and we could reach each other by train, although we both have cars. There are a number of boxes that he does not tick, but they are not red flags, they are just 'rules' that I have invented (e.g. he rents a place, rather than owns it, and he has a dog). I have no idea whether it will work out between us but I have decided to give it a go and see what happens.
I have been trying to put myself into a more positive mindset, by going to exhibitions and events on my own, and not worrying so much about being single, but it is hard work. I think it has paid off, but I do have to keep reminding myself to do it, or I tend to slip back into a more negative mindset.
I feel the opposite way around, and will be going out on Bank Holiday to mingle. I am lucky enough (or rather it is a choice) to live in a major tourist town a minute from the beach, it makes me happy to see other people happy and smiling. Coming off the apps, (for a while anyway) has helped my mood greatly, they can be demoralising.
lifegoes you know what I have previously said to you
I met someone IRL recently, but it is only in a professional capacity. She is gorgeous, I plonked myself next to her at a business breakfast on Tuesday so that I could talk to her. It would be totally inappropriate for me to hit on her as I am sure she is just being friendly wanting to develop a professional relationship and nothing more and I have no idea if she is in a LTR, no ring though.
Yes dating thread night out!! I'm in!! I'd love to put faces to the usernames. And not be all mixed up over which iron is whose etc!!
We all sound bloody marvellous quite frankly. I don't know what these idiot men (no offence to the nice men on the thread) are playing at!
@Notcoolmum Hear hear!
I'm feeling sorry for myself today and even though I couldn't give a rats arse about him, the guy I sent a photo to (as requested) not responding has hit the final nail in the coffin of self esteem this morning!
Sunshine maybe he really wanted you to send a rude photo of yourself? There is probably a hidden set of code words amongst those in the know and he used those to request the photo .
I am usually blissfully unaware of these things and have drifted through life with an aura of naivety around me. I am that person whose boss was having a torrid affair with someone who I line managed (and she sat next to me) and I never noticed. This was many years ago, just in case someone has worked out who I am irl and it desperately trying to figure out who is shagging who in my workplace .
@LilyRose88 That thought had crossed my mind too, although when I told him what I was looking for (respect, relationship, etc) he said he agreed with me. I know men are lying shits though (in my personal experience) so it's difficult not to doubt anything a guy ever says to me again!
I know it can be difficult to trust men sometimes, but some do have decent intentions and are genuinely caring
Omg it didn't cross my mind a guy would want a nude photo! <naive>
Would any women send any to a stranger? I wouldn't even send one to my husband and I am definitely not a prude.
I have never sent a rude pic of me to anyone, even when in a relationship. I think lots of people do though - maybe it is an age thing as I am over 50.
I have taken them. And then I'm so disgusted by what I see I delete them!! They don't get sent 😂😂
Ok, so I have sent the odd sexy pic but only to someone I know and only top half!
Me too - top half (no face) - arty shot hahaha
I’m with notcool on that - ‘sexy’ pics of me make me feel sick, a total passion killer for me so wouldn’t dream of sending one. Dick pics, from someone I know, just make me laugh. Unsolicited though, I want to rip their throats out - it’s a bloody assault. Like women being airdropped dick pics on the tube, knowing the dirty fucker who sent them is nearby but not knowing who it is 😡🤢😡🤢😡
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