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Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

(1000 Posts)
DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 19:52:47

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 19:56:05

Place marking

StealthNinjaMum Wed 15-May-19 19:56:59

Thank you for starting Daffo. Your comment about anal on the last thread cracked me up.

kermitrulesok Wed 15-May-19 19:59:56

Hi everyone, blimey these threads fill quickly! So have a new iron Mr Medic, setting my age things on Bumble has been ace!

SuperHairyArsedMan Wed 15-May-19 20:00:16

Thanks Daffo

'What are your wishes in life?''

Placemarking on this question in a dating context. I think I could only answer facetiously 'my life is 5/8ths done (if I'm lucky) it's a bit late asking now!'

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 20:01:31

@vwman I'm really confused. What is getting blocked your messages? Or are they blocking you?

I've had worse said than that on POF and it wasn't blocked.

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:03:02

What she meant is what is on your bucket list I think

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 20:04:12

When they say "wishes in life" do they mean as in what do you want from life? IE travel etc

Cos for me a wish would be to win the lottery, for my child to have a healthy life. What I want and aim for are very different.

Or I'd wish for them to fuck off with rubbish messages like that. 😂

StealthNinjaMum Wed 15-May-19 20:05:38

lifegoes grin

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:06:00

@lifegoes I send the message and it isn't shown on the system as if I had not sent a message. I send a message without a certain word in it and it goes through.

A couple of nights ago I said goonight to some I was having a conversation with and she must have thought I was being really rude by just stopping messaging mid conversation

Crustaceans Wed 15-May-19 20:07:55

At least I’d know how to answer the ‘do you do anal?’ question. 😂

ccgirr Wed 15-May-19 20:10:33

Daffodeffo I’m with you- I get the anal questions 🤣 maybe I prefer to the deep ones. Not sure I would get away with anal and deep if I was you vwman. Maybe you should say your account was hacked and restart?!?

WarIsPeace Wed 15-May-19 20:11:11

Blatant place marking

SuperHairyArsedMan Wed 15-May-19 20:12:59

Yes it would have to be a bucket list for me. Except I don't have a bucket list. I'm also rubbish at annual appraisals and SMART objectives.

I am conversing with an as yet unnamed lady and finding it quite difficult to keep cool about it, though we have yet to meet. I am therefore a bag of nerves which I will have to fix before we meet. Any tips ?

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:13:05

I am beginning to think my account has been hacked, I have arranged a date recently and a couple of days later she messaged to say she had changed her mind and would not tell me the reason.

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 20:13:19

That's bizarre @vwman I've never had that.

And funny enough all my anal questions have come from POF

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:17:15

@lifegoes if someone was asking that question for me on a hookup site I might get a few offers

shitwithsugaron Wed 15-May-19 20:19:39

Placemarking!

Eesha Wed 15-May-19 20:20:19

placemarking too

@vwman I believe POF only block men with those words in their messages. I think do a new profile then just be more careful with your wording!

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 20:21:04

@vwman if your account was hacked, I'm sure they would be sending messages and would get messages back.

I'm wondering if you have been reported and they are blocking words on your messages for that

StealthNinjaMum Wed 15-May-19 20:22:49

Maybe vwman could message some women on this thread to see what happens?

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:27:45

so I have deleted POF account now anyway, hopefully it will not happen again if I decide to set it up again. At the moment I am totally off the apps.

May try bumble, I had an account but really didn't put effort into the profile it was a bit of a trial, this time I will do it properly. The only issue is if I get no matches, its only a few minutes each day as I cant really browse to see what sweeties are there

SimonJT Wed 15-May-19 20:34:07

I haven’t watched this weeks GoT yet, I facetimed MrNoName earlier and he ruined it for me, that should be an actual crime.

shitwithsugaron Wed 15-May-19 20:37:02

@SimonJT get rid! GoT is a sacred topic, spoilers not welcome. Just you wait grin

DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 20:40:53

vwman I can never really tell if you're being serious or not with your posts. But assuming you are, sometimes the way you talk about women is derogatory and I imagine that plus your potential sex talk is why you're getting reported. I've never reported anyone but I assume some people do it fairly quickly

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 20:45:44

Had the best compliment ever or he's blind can't quite tell...

Someone has just knocked on my door asking about cutting my grass. But asked if my mum was in. I was all "well I hope not, as she doesn't live here 😂 "

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:50:01

@DaffoDeffo I am a really very funny man IRL with a sharp wit and I have people just cracking up when they meet me I can get people laughing within a few seconds of meeting someone. I often think I should write comedy.

But I think there may be something in what you say. Face to face people can see the smile on my face, I am crap with the use of emojis etc, its a different generation and different communication channel. Sometimes perhaps women don't get me online and think I am being serious. But there isn't any sex talk.

DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 20:53:52

How old are you vwman (roughly if you don't want to say!)

vwman Wed 15-May-19 20:57:56

I am in my 50's

DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 21:01:01

See it as a compliment lifegoes smile

You are not that old vwman! A lot of men your age don't do emojis etc but I wouldn't see that as an issue. Maybe you are trying too hard or just not on the right dating site if the women on there aren't getting you.

vwman Wed 15-May-19 21:06:48

DaffoDeffo my profile was very funny, this was it, you won't see it now of course and I may change it when I go back on, I was hoping it might set the tone of any conversation so they would get me.

I am a business owner, providing services to businesses I am so organised I sometimes wear matching socks. Running a business allows me to exercise my skills: leadership and communication. I would like to tell you about the time I had a shower with Frank Bruno, which is true, but it's important to me that you know I'm honest, so I'll save the wilder parts of my life for another time. Needless to say the paparazzi have been after me ever since.

I love travel but for my holidays last year I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed. I had to have two weeks sitting next to the skirting board.

I love to laugh, tease and have fun. I am a very playful. Like an onion, I have layers you will spend a long time before you know me but I will not make you cry.

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 21:10:25

Is that what you have on your profile @vwman ??

DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 21:11:14

Do you want us to be honest vwman?

vwman Wed 15-May-19 21:12:27

Go on, I can take it

Notcoolmum Wed 15-May-19 21:13:19

I have thought you were a troll since you joined this thread vwman. Assuming for one minute you are serious I have found some of your posts highly misogynistic and they have made my skin crawl. So I can fully understand why you might get blocked on PoF.

I’ve never been asked if I do anal. What am I doing wrong? 🙈

Ooh lifegoes you must be looking very youthful 👍

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 21:14:42

@vwman I personally really don't like that, I think it makes you look like an utter prick. Your business and what makes you great, dropping names.

I'd stop at the second line and move on.
But that's just me.

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 21:15:47

So I think I managed to totally self sabotage and fuck up things with MrFox.
Oh well. Back to sitting in the corner drinking gin being single I guess

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 21:16:18

Hahaha @Notcoolmum whilst I do always get told I look younger than I am. I absolutely do not look young enough to live with my mother still. However he can cut my grass, as he was quite dashing but small. So I can perv from my window 😂😂😂

DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 21:16:24

Yes I would agree. You are trying way too hard vwman. You lost me at matching socks. And never say anything about wanting to be seen as honest as it immediately screams dishonesty.

ccgirr Wed 15-May-19 21:22:29

Vw - waaay too long for me.
30 something- what’s happened??

vwman Wed 15-May-19 21:22:49

Ok thanks I will tone it down, thanks

@lifegoes I guess I forget my dick belongs in my pants, not my personality

Crustaceans Wed 15-May-19 21:23:44

Oh no. What happened @30somethingandsingle?

Crustaceans Wed 15-May-19 21:24:42

I wonder @vwman, if you might consider trying to convey some kind of humility. I think it might come across better.

SimonJT Wed 15-May-19 21:25:13

@shitwithsugaron I may have suggested he could service ‘it’ himself next time, he knew I was joking obviously.

Now I have to work on my poker face for when I watch it with FWB on Friday night.

StealthNinjaMum Wed 15-May-19 21:28:29

vwman its braggy and not very warm. I write too formally and have changed that because of feedback from here. I like funny men but you don't seem very relaxed.

putastrawunderbaby Wed 15-May-19 21:31:15

Are you okay 30something?

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 21:32:12

Ha sorry @vwman it's just a bit much for me.

@30somethingandsingle what has happened

SimonJT Wed 15-May-19 21:33:43

@vwman as someone who has English as a second language I found it very hard to tell which bits were serious and which bits weren’t. I have no idea how it would compare to any other online dating profile, but I doubt I would be the only one to find the writing style confusing. I also don’t like the use of the word tease.

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 21:35:47

He cancelled our plans for tomorrow and rearranged for Saturday.
Instead of saying how I was feeling (I wrote about it on the previous thread) in a phone call or waiting until I see him, I sent a message which more or less said that our communication styles/needs are different, he doesn't give much away and I'm not sure where he sees us going but that I am not sure where I see us heading. He read it but hasn't replied 🤦‍♀️

putastrawunderbaby Wed 15-May-19 21:35:55

vwman I'm never sure how to take your posts and your style reminds me a lot of my son who has autism. While I'm not suggesting you're autistic, I do think you come across as direct and not particularly emotionally aware. You come out with some sweeping generalisations about women. Perhaps written communication is not showing you to your best advantage. I think your profile needs work, to put it mildly.

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 21:37:12

@30somethingandsingle how long ago did you send it?

I don't see what you've done wrong?! You are being honest about how you feel. Why is that bad?

ccgirr Wed 15-May-19 21:41:35

30something- oh I thought you just have had it out. He might be thinking about how to reassure you? How long ago?

Crustaceans Wed 15-May-19 21:43:59

He might be giving his reply some thought, @30somethingandsingle.

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 21:45:58

Well it was a bit more direct than that, and really I totally have the feels for him, I wanted to ask where he saw us heading. I can live with the different communication (he's totally laid back, probably the opposite to me) if I just knew how he was feeling about things. I've had a few glasses of wine, definitely shouldn't have done this tonight.

47 minutes ago- to be precise!

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 21:47:54

And he always replies straight away normally. Or last time I had a meltdown he phoned me straight away 😏

Lillyrose19 Wed 15-May-19 21:49:21

30something he may just be thinking of what to reply.

Thanks to those who commented on my thread the other day. So my very laid back Larry who hasn’t a clue with women didn’t message me for two days 😳. I text and asked if he was still alive and boom straight back to texting me again. I asked if he minded me texting and that I felt it was me doing all the messaging and arranging meet ups and he said he’s happy for me to keep on suggesting them. I then jokingly said that as much as he makes me feel amazing by not texting in days and not taking initiative to arrange seeing each other he should try it too! He replied good point, duely noted! I clearly just need to keep nudging him and stop my mind from making up all kinds of crazy shit!!xx

DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 21:49:45

30 it also might have been sparked by him cancelling a date which has made you feel insecure? I must admit MrFlakey used to make me feel the way in your post and I hated it. And I just don't think he was that into me (and tbh looking back, I made myself too available for him if that makes sense).

I think how he replies will say a lot. If he is reassuring then I would take a deep breath. If he isn't, I would have a big think as I tolerated exactly this situation for far too long in all honesty.

kermitrulesok Wed 15-May-19 21:54:55

@vwman that profile defo needs toning down! I thought you came across as arrogant. @30somethingandsingle I think sometimes you have to be honest...I've had it out with an iron who disappeared when he has his kids (I posted about it on here) and he's been more considerate about it.

I've just matched with someone on bumble and his first message has said you're a very beautiful woman do I a) run away screaming or b) say thank you and start chatting?

Ant330 Wed 15-May-19 22:05:05

Checking in to new thread feeling slightly disgruntled that I've never ever been asked about anal 😕
30 it's not self sabotage if it's not working for you 😉 that's just being honest.
I feel like I'm slipping off the smitten bench if I'm honest, starting to feel a bit bored.
I'm not going to make any kneejerk decisions because I've been up to my eyes at work for a deadline that finished today, coupled with a stinking cold since the weekend, so not at my best.
Last couple of times we've met it's just felt a bit flat.
I might be reading too much into stuff but I know what I'm like, I don't tend to change my mind.
Anyway didn't stay over tonight as I've got an early start tomorrow, but I think a couple of weeks ago I'd have stayed and got up half an hour earlier.
What a difference a week makes!

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 22:17:14

He wrote a long reply admitting that he is shit at communication with everyone but that he will try harder if that's what I want.
He also said that he is enjoying our relaxed, no pressure dating as he thinks that is helping us to get to know each other better before either of us get in to deep.
I see his point. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.
I think I want more.

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 22:19:59

Sorry to hear you are slipping @Ant330 hopefully it's just a blip as you have been busy- you seemed totally smitten a week ago!

Notcoolmum Wed 15-May-19 22:21:08

30something you said what you need to. Don’t feel bad about that.

Oh ant that’s a quick turnaround. What do you think has caused the change. Do you think it’s mutual?

ccgirr Wed 15-May-19 22:21:27

Any- you are spot on! A week in OLD is a lifetime 🤦🏻‍♀️

shitwithsugaron Wed 15-May-19 22:21:57

Oh no Ant! What are you going to do? It all seemed so promising for you!

30 you're entitled to say what you want (and so is he) so be honest with him. Have you any idea what exactly you want him to do differently? I'm sorry, I did read your post on previous thread but have forgotten what you said confused

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 22:22:01

@30somethingandsingle

Can I be honest, I think he sounds nice and is very reassuring to you. It's understandable that he may not want to rush into things just yet, it's also ok to see how things go.

BUT and this is the BUT! You don't seem happy with it, I think you really like him and rather than considering what you actually want or how you feel. You are too busy thinking about saying the wrong things that may mean you lose him.

That's not healthy, maybe you need to pull away from him. So you can decide what do YOU want. HOW do you want your relationship to be

Crustaceans Wed 15-May-19 22:23:16

I think a face to face chat might help there. You might have to just put your cards on the table and see what happens.

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 22:23:36

Oh and @30somethingandsingle when I say wrong things (you think they are wrong) but it's actually how you feel. Feelings aren't wrong, they are real.

Ant330 Wed 15-May-19 22:43:13

Yep it's a quick turnaround, less than a week as I was a happy chappy last Thursday after we'd been away for the night.
There's a few things that have niggled at me recently, and tbh I'm not sure if I'm just focusing on them because I'm tired and not my usual self.
notcool no I don't think it's mutual, but she did ask me if everything was ok yesterday as I've apparently been a bit quiet this week.
But no kneejerk reactions, I'll see how the weekend pans out when I should be feeling fine again. We're seeing each other Sunday so we'll see...

30somethingandsingle Wed 15-May-19 22:43:29

Thanks everyone.

I think I want more in terms of wanting to feel like he wants to see me, that he's really looking forward to spending time together, I want to feel like I am on his mind a lot and more of a priority than I feel I am. This is so hard as until I met him, all I was looking for was fb/fwb's so for me to want 'more' is unexpected really.

Those that are saying I'm entitled to feel what I do- you're right. I have a lot of issues from me stbxh where he made my feelings feel wrong, so now I am forever doubting myself.
I think I will wait until I see him on Saturday and lay my cards on the table. It's just so hard as when I am actually with him it is fantastic- I can't fault him at all.

Notcoolmum Wed 15-May-19 22:56:21

Blimey ant and 30something there must be something in the air tonight. I’m also questioning things with Mr S. I don’t think he’s really in this with me and it might be time to call things to a close. I’m going to sleep on it.

NestOfSwipers Wed 15-May-19 23:01:08

I could cry, my daughter came in to ask me to look at an email and I've lost the post I was typing. Basically 30somethingandsingle and Ant330 have come back and said what I hoped they would while I fought with my phone! 😊

vwman if I see a "try hard" profile, I'm out of there. And also men who make out they're the life and soul of the party types, or are soooo whacky. No. Just no.

NestOfSwipers Wed 15-May-19 23:05:16

Well, I broke the four and a half month date drought. Spent a pleasant enough two hours with Mr Swiss. I think he's keen, but more a slow burner for me. Not sure. But not a definite no. We chatted plenty and it was equally matched but I don't know if I felt it flowed well enough. Arggh!

CocoKoko123 Wed 15-May-19 23:36:10

ant 30 and not I'll join you on the not feeling it bench!not sure what I'm doing tbh.the thing I thought may be an issue I'm still thinking is/will be an issue. Like others am going to sleep on it - few days until plans to meet again.argh!

I just can't be arsed with all this OLD rubbish! Just want to meet the right person and live happily ever after lol.

And great news rich

CocoKoko123 Wed 15-May-19 23:37:01

And well done nest for breaking the drought - if I'm ever not sure but know it's not a definite no I always tend to give a second date and reassess my feelings after that

CocoKoko123 Wed 15-May-19 23:38:41

ant 30 and not I'll join you on the not feeling it bench!not sure what I'm doing tbh.the thing I thought may be an issue I'm still thinking is/will be an issue. Like others am going to sleep on it - few days until plans to meet again.argh!

I just can't be arsed with all this OLD rubbish! Just want to meet the right person and live happily ever after lol.

And great news rich

Savoretti Thu 16-May-19 00:28:47

What a mixed bag of stuff tonight.
@ant I am the same as you, Mad keen one minute, then something niggles and I can do an instant turnaround.... My last iron was wonderful for 2 months then just began to grate on me.
I felt so dreadful as nothing changed for him.

@vw. I agree what others are saying about the try hard profiles. I would have given up half way. Just relax and write from the heart without trying to be witty.

So I had dinner with Mr Sexy tonight. Way more gorgeous than I remembered - but also far more to him than just looks (which possibly surprised me). However, his living situation isn’t great, he’s honest and open with me, but it’s far from easy and I’m not sure if I want to be involved. But I may let him scratch an itch before I walk away just to be sure.....

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 07:35:06

Oh coco it's the same here. The age old issue is still there. Most of the time things seem so good I can ignore it but then it reads its head. And I know I deserve a man who is in this with me. Not hedging his bets on the sidelines.

We were supposed to see each other tomorrow but I've said I'm not sure I want to. No night or morning texts from him. I think I need to walk away. I'll take the weekend to think.

Oh dear ant difficult if it is just you and she is still really into you. Perhaps things will change back?

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 07:35:22

@Notcoolmum what's happened with Mr S to make you feel that way? He's been so lovely helping you round the house and stuff. Not that that excuses anything he's done etc but you know what I mean.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 07:36:54

shitwith it's the feeling he's not really in this. He has been amazing in loads of ways but there are some red flags. And I can see I've chosen to ignore those and just see the good stuff.

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 07:37:26

Ah x post there notcool, has he said or done anything to make you think he's not in this with you, or is it his situation with the ex and kids?

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 07:39:05

Fucks sake! Xpost again. Yes that makes sense to me, we've all been there with ignoring red flags because someone has a few green ones. If you're not feeling it, I think you'd be totally doing the right thing Notcool

WarIsPeace Thu 16-May-19 07:42:10

Interesting couple of days for me.
As predicted, the L-bomb was dropped and I failed to hide my lack of surprise, he didn't seem to mind that I didn't say it back (he knows I wouldn't feel obliged)
Just realising really that I was looking for casual dating and seem to have won a rather devoted boyfriend we've not even farted in front of each other yet
But going to go with the flow.
Will need to think about the grown up stuff re exes and children etc at some point

Eesha Thu 16-May-19 07:44:10

@Notcoolmum do you have examples of these red flags? He seemed so lovely for you.

@ant330 sorry to hear this but everyone feels naff when ill so maybe that is clouding your judgement a bit. You also seemed smitten just last week.

Chocolate123 Thu 16-May-19 07:53:47

@Notcoolmum I've been where you are there were loads of green flags and I went with it ignored the few niggly doubts. I was more invested than he was looking back now I should have listened to the doubt. I think though in the modern world of OLD when we meet someone we click with we focus on the positive as there as so many negative experiences.

HairyArsedMan Thu 16-May-19 07:57:50

@vwman That's very brave putting your profile on plain view here. I think you haven't given much of yourself out in that profile and I'm sufficiently long in the tooth to recognise that even the jokes (like the divorce/buy a house for a woman I hate one) aren't original material.

It's a pleasure to come across a quippy, hilarious profile (see @JeSuisPrest for an example) but it's not easy to do, so I would say to get the basics out first about yourself and what you are looking for. You may be aided in this on Bumble as you really can't write that much with the character limits.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 07:57:53

warispeace are you not feeling the L thing. Or are you taking your time?

shitwith and chocolate it's a few things. The latest being him not feeling comfortable to sleep over here. My kids are teens. They don't mind. It smacks of him backing away from a commitment to me. I don't want to be taken for a fool. It wouldn't be the first time.

Eesha Thu 16-May-19 08:02:51

@vwman I think your profile needs to be simpler, not overly jokey, as I think a lot of women would just switch off pretty early. I much prefer honest and open plus the odd quip here and there.

WarIsPeace Thu 16-May-19 08:04:39

@Notcoolmum I'm not running away screaming, I'm just not one for rushing. It's definitely got potential.
I don't think I've ever said /felt it this early, it takes me a while to let my guard down properly. Iykwim. IMHO you can go out with anyone for 3 months before you even know whether it's a no hoper or not...

Chocolate123 Thu 16-May-19 08:10:48

@Notcoolmum does he have kids? Have you asked him about why he feels uncomfortable? If he's in it for long term surely he can't expect you to stay with him all the time.

Meanderer Thu 16-May-19 08:51:03

Hello everyone, I'm new to these threads 🙂 2.5 years single, ambivalent about dating, but in my late 40s and feel life passing me by - I want to meet someone special before my joints get too creaky for all that spectacular early days sex 😆 ...and before my teenage daughter leaves home, and thus me completely bereft 😭 - I am totally clueless about OLD so really appreciate you all being here.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 08:53:10

@Notcoolmum I would give yourself some time but then talk to him about it. I would imagine at this point he'll feel you pulling away and maybe unsure why or what he's done.

I would feel uncomfortable staying over at someone's house, if the kids were there regardless of age. ESP until after I felt comfortable around them all the time etc.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 09:06:39

Ant I'm sorry to hear you may be falling off the smitten bench.

From the other perspective, I was seeing someone last year and i wasn't sure about him at first but he was keen so i let it grow. He started talking about nights/weekends away very early on and even asked me if he could come to a festival this summer with me. I said that it was early days and the festival was a long way off but he was adamant we would still be together and he would like me to get him a ticket, so I did. About a week alter he came round and told me he thought the 'spark' had gone and ended things.

I was angry with him for leading me on (which is exactly how it felt) and a bit angry with myself for letting him but massive lesson learned on my part.

I don't know what my point is really, other than it's easy to jump in head first when you meet someone you like but those first few week feelings aren't sustainable. It doesn't mean things can't develop but it's also the time when you realise that once the initial excitement his wearing off, this person may just not be for you long term.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 09:07:32

I hadn't given him the ticket by the way and have since sold it to a friend and am going with my kids and friends instead!

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 09:09:57

I'm now two months in with MrSAS and although I like him a lot, I am very wary of being too open with my feelings at this point, just in case once the butterflies stage wears off, we are not for each other.

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 09:16:31

Chocolate I think you've perfectly explained where I'm at currently. I think I may have been so excited that I'd met somebody I clicked with, and so soon after starting OLD, that I ignored a few things.
I do think feeling a bit crappy has probably lead to me feeling less patient towards certain things but that initial excitement that masks those potential niggles has now faded.
They're not going away in my opinion but I'll hold off on making a decision until I see her again. Also if I'm going to end it then it should be in person.
I have plenty of thinking time today though, I'm currently on a 5hr round trip on the train when I'd much rather be tucked up in bed with a Lemsip. Somebody pass me a tiny violin 🤣

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 09:24:32

warispeace I think I tend to get carried away. So good for you.

Yes lifegoes and chocolate he has kids. But I've not met them and in fact they don't know I exist. He's spent time with my kids and they like him and are comfortable with him around. If they aren't then I'd ask him to leave and I haven't invited him in in the past when I know my son is a bit tetchy and not up for guests.

I think the long term point is the nub of it. I feel like he's telling me he isn't in it for the long haul by not staying over. Maybe I'm rushing things. It's been 5 months. 4 exclusive and 3 since we had a wobble and broke up for a week.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 09:26:22

I agree that when we are feeling under par we tend to over think things and can catastrophise things in our head. I thin you're right in waiting until you feel a bit better and you see her. Just don't lead her on if you think things may be coming to an end.

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 09:29:13

Sunshine your post has made me feel even more guilty sad
To be fair yes I've talked about a weekend away but that was so we could spend more than 24 hours together and see if we still got on. We did that over the bank holiday so that had been put on hold until she could organise time off.
She's been talking about holidays which I haven't given any commitment on, so I've tried to be careful not to over commit.
But you're right it's easy to jump in head first! Do you come across as emotionally unavailable if you hold back though?
Probably a middle ground somewhere, lesson learned.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 09:30:24

@Notcoolmum Sorry, I get confused with different people on here but how old are his children? I think it's a bigger thing telling younger children about a new partner. I have been seeing Mr SAS 2 months and wouldn't dream of telling my kids yet but his know about me because they are older teens and able to understand the concept of dating.

I have to say, I'm not sure I would feel all that comfortable staying over at someone's house with their kids there unless I was in for the long haul as that for me takes things from dating to getting involved and invested in someone's family so maybe your gut instincts are right.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 09:35:22

@Ant 330, I'm sorry, I didn't intent to make you feel guilty! Yes, I agree that you need to allow yourself to get to know someone and you can't do that if you are holding too much back. I think this middle ground, although difficult to master, is important. Maybe not planning too far ahead in the early days and being honest about that.

I have been taking things one date at a time and although we have said we'd like to do a city break later in the summer, I am not invested in this idea and we haven't planned anything yet so I think it will have to be fairly last minute if we do it!

Have you asked her how she is feeling things are going between you?

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