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MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

(858 Posts)
Reynolds1212 Wed 15-May-19 18:46:42

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

ScreamingLadySutch Fri 24-May-19 06:04:21

* Does he even know why you have ended the relationship?*

This is the thing that is so hard to accept. I read it first in Lundy Bancroft and still found it hard to believe:

THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING. That means, THEY ARE DOING IT DELIBERATELY.

How could anyone be so mean and sadistic? How could anyone deliberately treat another person as an appliance or resource to be extracted? But as we see from Reynolds, it gets them really nice benefits.

In this case, £42,000 with sex and domestic services thrown in.

wonderwhat Fri 24-May-19 08:56:11

Hope you’re ok OP

Reynolds1212 Fri 24-May-19 14:51:53

Thankyou everyone I'm off work today so went shopping it was payday and I actually treated myself to a couple of outfits for my my hols which I don't do very often.
I had a productive morning I rang the CSA again about my ex and now they have put an alert on his tax code so as soon as he's back into work they will deduct the earnings hopefully that's been long winded as they can't find his address and I have tried to no avail so I've got the ball rolling on that again hopefully and we will get some money soon he was working again and left once they were onto him but he can't do that forever they think it's going to be 8 weeks so I'm really keeping it all crossed for that .
I also did an online tax return as I've not claimed any expenses for five years and only found out I could when I saw an ad on Facebook a few days ago so it says I can go back to 2013 it will only be around £500 I think but I will be over the moon if I get it.
So that's two things off the list regarding getting myself some money. I did a claim for UC and got an estimate offline which adds it up to about £65 per week as my oldest is 13 now I get a bit more for him so I think I'm going to be ok actually all things considered.
I had a Burger King today I went with a friend who kept saying I'm to think I ate most of it probably the biggest meal in a week I've had.
I haven't heard anything but it's the weekend and I feel really uneasy this afternoon for some reason I feel like something is brewing over the weekend. I keep looking outside as I feel like he's watching me and watching my movements aswell I had a bad nightmare last night that a lion was trying to mail me to death haha it was horrid I haven't slept much it's like someone had died but they haven't if that makes sense.
Me and the kids are going to see Aladdin the weekend as a treat and that's it really no plans just me alone again ha sorry for the long post everyone hmm

BumbleBeee69 Fri 24-May-19 14:52:01

Hi OP, focus on your holiday with your kids.. stay strong and ignore the CF and his pathetic drive by's.. missing all his freebies likely. flowers

Reynolds1212 Fri 24-May-19 14:56:04

It's that feeling in my stomach I hate most like when your really nervous and it's turning over and over. Can't stand that feeling and it's there all the time at the moment and I want it to go away it wasn't so bad when I was shopping earlier but now I'm sat home waiting to collect the kids it's really bad again.
I think I have changed I am not the same now I always used to be quite a happy laid back person and I used to speak my mind aswell I don't think I do that anymore my brother said part of me has died and I'm not the same person that I used to be that makes me so upset I know it's true but I wonder how I got here being a doormat and thinking I'm not worth anything at all or anything nice to happen to me and it's sad isn't it .

longtimelurkerhelen Fri 24-May-19 17:19:39

I'm sure that part of you is just dormant, not dead.

You are going to feel badly for a while, it is like a bereavement and you need time to adjust to the new situation. Try to focus on your great future. You have 3 great kids and a holiday booked maybe a little holiday fling/romance no one knows what the future holds. I think you will look back at this as the best thing you ever did.

flowers & chocolate

magoria Fri 24-May-19 17:39:36

Don't forget your 25% council tax discount as a sole adult in the property.

Lorddenning1 Fri 24-May-19 17:46:38

The feeling your describing sounds like a bit of anxiety, which is pretty normal. I felt like u OP, like the old me had gone, fast forward 9 months and she is back smile but stronger than ever, u don't notice at first, but it happens

BumbleBeee69 Fri 24-May-19 18:10:41

OP this is a very raw and recent breakup, you have been taken advantage of very a very very long time, you have been conditioned to expect less than what you deserve too, conditioned by HIM. hmm

You must take each day as it comes, try to keep yourself busy, think about making holiday lists, good books to read whist away, watch your fave movies, all those little things you yourself enjoy.

you will be okay OP but it will take time. flowers

Charley50 Fri 24-May-19 19:25:11

You're doing great OP. It's ok to be alone. You've got close friends, family and your DC. You will get yourself back soon.

ErrmWTAF Fri 24-May-19 19:44:37

Great update!

You know what? Sometimes hanging out with your kids/no adults is excellent therapy. Not just because you love them and are almost certainly showing them a better time than the last 6 years (that has to feel good, dunnit?) but also because in so many respects, kids don't make the same kind of demands on your brainspace as [alleged] adults. If you've planned things well (and from the sounds of things, you would have), you can relax and be a kid as well.

Grainedmonkey Fri 24-May-19 19:45:02

Hi OP. It sounds like you've made progress today in many ways but it's gong to take time until you're fully over him. As longtime says you are gong through a grieving process, your feelings are completely normal. How are the boys dong?

Grainedmonkey Fri 24-May-19 19:45:38

doing!

Reynolds1212 Sat 25-May-19 09:48:59

The boys are doing well they are good kids and very loving and caring of me. Had a bad night sleep I'm not sleeping thanks for all your lovely messages of support

QueenOfTheCroneAge Sat 25-May-19 10:10:24

Hi, Reynolds try to eat as this will help wih the anxiety and lack of sleep. Try taking a multi vit with food too. It's amazing how quickly lack of nutrition affects our mood and well-being. Don't let this user destroy your health.

Wauden Sat 25-May-19 12:15:55

For your boys, this is for the best since he was a bad role model anyway. You don't want them to see abuse.
They would have sensed that things were not good anyway, kids pick up a lot.

OhamIreally Sat 25-May-19 16:12:50

Sounds like you're doing great, the UC application and tax rebate work you've done is excellent.
It's not surprising you're not sleeping well, your brain is processing all of this. I hope you have a good bank holiday.

CaptainJaneway62 Sat 25-May-19 17:04:03

Well done @Reynolds1212

You got nearly as much from UC as you got from that idiot and you don't have to have him in your life anymore.

It's an awful feeling having the sick feeling in your stomach OP. It's caused by the adrenaline/cortisol running through your body.

You could try Holy Basil Capsules(Swansons) they will definitely help you sleep and also help with the hypervigilence. They really do work!

I hope you have a quiet weekend. flowers

timeisnotaline Sat 25-May-19 19:04:30

So you will get £65 pw, let’s say £60 in case estimate is off. He gave you £70 and that covered his food and bills, so you are already better off!
Add the council tax single person discount , if you get this £500 and anything down the track off your ex it’s all winning extra smile I hope you can settle down, it’s an awful feeling when you can’t. Do you knit? Knitting and watching tv at the same time take enough brain space to not dwell on things I find.

nettie434 Sun 26-May-19 09:52:33

You will get back to being the happy laid back person - as another poster said, it is just dormant. You are doing fantastically well - lack of sleep, not eating and feeling tense are just really normal reactions to such a big change.

Well done too on sorting out the universal credit/tax. So it looks like the universal credit will be roughly the sane as the amount he gave you. And we all know that universal credit is not exactly generous hmm

Wauden Sun 26-May-19 12:10:02

You are so strong.
Also you will be better off, became you had subsidised the cocklodger.

Fojumo Sun 26-May-19 12:17:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BumbleBeee69 Sun 26-May-19 22:42:37

how you doing OP flowers

SAHMlikeitHOT Mon 27-May-19 12:01:48

Thinking of you - glad you are staying strong and doing okay. Best wishes

squiglet111 Tue 28-May-19 18:51:05

Hope you're ok op flowers

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