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Is he just not that into me?

(44 Posts)
Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 17:01:02

Been in a relationship for about 6 months.

I have a teenager still at home. DP and teenager haven’t met. It will stay this way, for the time being. We are both happy with this arrangement.

We see each other about twice a week, usually why my son is at school. Meet at his, have lunch etc. Go away for the night occasionally etc.

We haven’t seen each other for a week, other planned commitments on my part, which he seemed fine with.

On Monday he messaged to tell me he had the day off work next day. I told him I couldn’t do that day (cat needed to go to the vets) and he said he was working the rest of the week, so would have to be the weekend.

I messaged asking what he was doing Saturday and did he fancy a night away. He replied saying he didn’t know what he was doing!

Today he messaged and told me he didn’t go to work today and had a lazy day! Usually he would let me know and we would meet up.

Is he being offish? Or am I being over sensitive?

sausage1968 Wed 15-May-19 17:35:30

I would just ask him

happybunny007 Wed 15-May-19 17:40:03

Does sound a bit off, I would ask.

Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 17:46:51

What do I ask? If I’ve upset him? If he is still happy with the arrangement?

Everything seemed fine, until I said I couldn’t do yesterday. It feels like tit for tat?

Noonooyou Wed 15-May-19 17:48:16

I agree with the others, send him a message and ask him. That's the only way you will know 100%

loveyoutothemoon Wed 15-May-19 17:50:42

Sounds like he's punishing you. Does he always play games?

Singlenotsingle Wed 15-May-19 17:54:22

He doesn't sound super keen

happybunny007 Wed 15-May-19 17:58:09

No don’t ask if you’ve upset him, just say that he’s had a day off and didn’t arrange anything with you, whereas he normally would, just wondering why.

Michaelbaubles Wed 15-May-19 18:00:22

At 6 months in your situation I’d expect him to jump at the chance of a day - - in bed - - with you.

rritchie44 Wed 15-May-19 18:01:31

No - don't ask him. He's going off you, but you can switch it round. Men need to feel they have something that was hard to get. Be lovely company when you see him and full of life but stop calling and texting him first. Obviously respond to him when he gets in touch. Also if you haven't made a plan for the weekend by Wednesday be busy doing something else. He will learn to get you booked. Don't be mean or grumpy with him and definitely don't ask him whats wrong, that will smack of needy. This is all in the book 'The Rules'. I read it and followed it when my relationship of 2 years was going this way and it transformed everything. Been happily married for 12 years and very much in love. Good luck to you!

TheVanguardSix Wed 15-May-19 18:04:58

To be honest, no. I don't think he sounds like he's cooling off at all.
I think he had an unplanned day off and enjoyed just lazing about, having a bit of 'me' time. It's ok to want that, in between work and balancing a relationship.

Personally, you're over-thinking things.
I mean, he did ask to meet up on the day you couldn't because of your cat going to the vet. You could have worked around the vet, possibly. It's totally ok that you didn't (I'm not having a go). And yes, he could have had his day off and thought, "I'll go up and spend time with Fedup but didn't. I don't think he's punishing you in the least. I think he just had a chilled out day on his own. And that's that really. Don't over-think it. It's not that complicated. smile

Boysey45 Wed 15-May-19 18:16:06

Sounds like he didn't like it because because you didn't jump when he asked and(rightly) put your cat before him.
I wouldn't ask him nothing, no way, I'd pull right back and letting him come to you suggesting dates etc. If you fancy it then go but I'd be keeping my options open. Obviously your pet comes first!

I might be inclined to say I'll let you know if he asks to do anything which people cant stand.

Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 18:37:22

loveyou he can sulk a bit! Or at least I think he does! It’s hard to tell if it’s me thinking he is, or if he actually is!

rritchie ‘the rules’ book, really grin I can’t be arsed with all that. If he isn’t interested, then he should just say! I’m not about to play games, I am what I am! Like it or lump it! grin

Thevan it was more the weekend comments. He said we will have to meet the weekend. I asked what his plans were for the weekend and did he fancy a night away and his reply was he didn’t know what he was doing confused I thought he said we were seeing each other!

Lifeisabeach09 Wed 15-May-19 18:48:49

Whether it's playing games or losing interest, don't rise to it.
I'd wait for him to get in contact and make plans for yourself. Don't put your life on hold for some dick who may or may not get in contact.

Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 18:54:41

Sorry my reply was to TheVanguardSix not theevan unsure where that came from!

Also vet visit was an emergency visit, not just a routine visit. I couldn’t postpone.

Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 19:40:49

lifeisabeach thanks, there wasn’t even I’m not sure what I am doing the weekend, il get back to you tomorrow or the next day.

Or why say we will get together at the weekend, if you already have plans.

I’m confused! I just replied ok. There has been a small amount of general chat today, which he initiated.

Anyhow I won’t bother mentioning plans and take a step back.

Thank you all.

Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 19:42:58

And he hasn’t asked about my cat!

Singlenotsingle Wed 15-May-19 19:53:56

Make your own plans for the weekend and be unavailable if he wants to arrange something at the last minute.

Ullupullu Wed 15-May-19 19:59:49

You didn't see him all day on his day off because your cat had a vet appointment? He prob thinks you are the one "not that into him" to be honest.

Fedup29 Wed 15-May-19 20:33:43

Maybe I didn’t explain the vet situation to him very well. I don’t know. He definitely has the ‘hump’ about the cat v him situation.

I phoned the out of hours vet (before he mentioned day off) vet told me it could wait until morning and to phone at 9 for appointment. Phoned at 9 couldn’t fit me in until 11.30. I told him all this.

Cat had to go back at 3.30 to be sedated and x-ray. I had to pick cat up later that day. I didn’t tell him this as he didn’t ask about the cat!

Boysey45 Wed 15-May-19 22:25:07

He sounds crap. what are you supposed to do, let your cat die/or be ill so he can get his leg over?

Oneweekleft Wed 15-May-19 23:21:20

grin

rupple Wed 15-May-19 23:35:32

Don't like the sound of him.....at all.

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 08:00:34

It’s very confusing and got me doubting my perception!

His messages, lighthearted, jokey, nice, then he slips in, which appears as a snide or offish comment and I’m left wondering, if I’ve taken it the wrong way!

Like the we will see each other at the weekend, try to make plans and he doesn’t know what he is doing!

Another, following nice, jokey messages initiated by him, when I asked what he did on his day off. He replied ‘lol why the interest’

Are you upset about something or not! Are you being nice or have you got the hump, which is it!!

loveyoutothemoon Thu 16-May-19 13:57:38

He sounds very immature with a chip on his shoulder. I couldn't put up with that nonsense.

michaelbaubles Thu 16-May-19 14:54:09

I couldn't be doing with that either. I hate it when someone is sometimes chatty and nice and then acts like you're mad stalker because you think that's the sort of relationship you have and act accordingly - like his "why the interest" comment - er because you're supposed to be in a relationship with each other? And then suddenly you look like the clingy needy one!

Honestly I think men like this are scared stiff of being in an actual relationship where you get close to each other. They want sex of course, and a girlfriend so they can tell people they've got one and feel like the kind of man who has a girlfriend, but they don't want to actually share a life or enter into anything emotional.

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 20:01:44

He has messaged ‘should be free at the weekend, if you don’t have plans’

I haven’t replied yet. Not sure what to do.

loveyoutothemoon Thu 16-May-19 20:17:33

What do you want to do?

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 20:33:27

It’s still a new relationship, quite casual. I’m not sure if I need to lighten up and go with the flow. However I don’t want to be a doormat!

I just can’t be bothered with game playing. Saying I have plans, when I actually don’t.

Maybe lighten up for the time being, see how it goes?

loveyoutothemoon Thu 16-May-19 20:36:40

Maybe leave it a bit to reply. See how it goes, see if the game playing carries on. Casual or not I wouldn't have the patience for it, but that's up to you.

Michaelbaubles Thu 16-May-19 20:38:34

I wouldn’t see it as game playing, more jumping him down the priority list. You’re clearly not high on his - now that could be ok in a relationship you’re seeing as mutually casual but you did expect to be a higher priority for him than you were. So if you continue with this mismatch, you will continue to feel a bit put out, a bit neglected, and he will react by acting like you’re being needy. Or you can call him out on it, and again probably end up looking needy (in his eyes). Or you can just adjust his importance downwards, act the same way to him he does to you, and you’ll be happy with other things in your life and maybe be happily surprised when he steps up as a result, or justified when he fades away altogether.

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 21:12:06

Michael That is exactly how it felt as if I wasn’t high on his list of priorities, after previously being so.

Maybe that’s how he felt, when I prioritise the cat. And he has done, exactly what you are suggesting I do!? grin

Michaelbaubles Thu 16-May-19 21:18:34

But there’s a difference - you already had plans and that time wasn’t set ahead for couple time in advance. He felt slighted that you weren’t jumping for him because he expects to be high enough on your list that you drop everything else for him.

However, weekends are usually set aside for couple time and there’s a tacit understanding as I see it that you’d spend time together then. If you were truly high in his list he’d make more of an attempt to make that time special to make up for missing out on time together. But he’s not, he’s being vague and non-committal. He’s trying to rebalance it so you’re back to being keener than he is. Surely you want things to be equal? By distancing yourself you’re bringing back that equality. And also asserting some boundaries.

Flowersintherainandsun Thu 16-May-19 21:27:47

Don't complicate this or tit for tat it! A relationship doesn't need that! You've got what you wanted, he wants to see you the weekend, so reply saying yes and once you're with him ASK him if you'd upset him earlier on in the week. Don't play games OP that's no way to begin a new relationship.

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 21:28:23

That’s very true. I had not arranged and then cancelled. Just wasn’t available due to an emergency.

Do you have a crystal ball shock I eventually replied and he is back to one word answers!

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 21:34:10

flower I replied, thinking more lighten up. I’ve arranged to see him. Although his replies have been yes, no!

Text is hard to interpret. I will have a chat face to face.

Michaelbaubles Thu 16-May-19 21:44:47

I’m not suggesting game playing, I’m suggesting genuinely shifting him down the list. Genuinely doing something else and keeping occupied elsewhere, not pretending to do it.

Just think, if you’d missed out on a chance to see him because of an unavoidable appointment on his part, would you go all vague in response? No, you might be peeved you’d missed out on a nice day but you’d immediately try and book in something lovely for the weekend, because you like him, want to spend time together and genuinely want him to have a nice time. Ask yourself why that wasn’t his response.

Fedup29 Thu 16-May-19 22:16:43

It feels like game playing, as I would be deliberately avoiding him to get a reaction of sorts ie for him to step up or ship out.

Well yes that was exactly my reaction, can’t do today, fancy a night away at the weekend! This seems logical to me! I don’t know why this wasn’t his reaction. My gut feeling is he was sulking.

I think I need to stop trying to analyse what he is thinking/feeling. Go with the flow or stop the flow, if I don’t like it.

I feel I need to be true to myself. I’m honest and upfront. I think I need to continue this way. If it carries on, I will tire of it and just stop seeing him.

KatherineJaneway Thu 16-May-19 22:45:32

Don't like the sound of him.....at all.

Me either.

Dinks66 Thu 16-May-19 22:51:47

He sounds like hard work. A nice relationship, where you both want the same things, shouldn't be this difficult.

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 16-May-19 22:54:44

You could be overthinking this . Said it before and I will say it again - men don't text like women do . They text to make arrangements . If you like this guy then see him at the weekend and yes discuss. I once thought my partner was going to call it a day and he had no such idea - it was all in my head built up by his poor texting .

Kiwiinkits Fri 17-May-19 09:46:33

It sounds like he resents your cat hmm

Boysey45 Fri 17-May-19 11:53:01

I'd pack him in, he hasn't even asked how your cat got on.That shows he has no interest in your life. If he was a decent partner he would have asked after it and if there was anything he could help with.
Also I think men can text long answers if they want to.

LittleWing80 Fri 17-May-19 12:03:18

I am sorry to read your posts. I agree with PP, it’s not right to say all men hate texting. To me, it’s about the pattern. If he has always been short texter and childish then you sort of accepted that how he is but he was all nice and lovey dovey longy texty and all of a sudden that changes radically then I would be unsettled too. It’s not right to worry that much and I hope you get clarity either way. Also hope kitty is alright. Big hugs your way.

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