How do I move forward?

[DoodlySquat]

My life feels completely empty and shit right now. I have zero energy and can't be bothered to do anything. Lots going on. All bad.

I recently lost a parent, we weren't close, but the death has left me with questions about why I was treated the way I was, questions that will now never be answered. Death was also made much worse by my always fighting siblings who hate each other - unless they are banding together to hate me.

My DD left home a couple of years ago, and my DS is currently looking for a house to buy. I have always had a close relationship with both DC, but obviously once they leave home, the dynamic changes. I try VERY hard not to let my DD see how much I miss her, and am very encouraging and helpful with DS in his search for a property, and will not be letting him see how much just the thought of him not living here anymore hurts. But the thought of both of them being gone is almost more than I can bear right now.

My relationship with my DH is failing. All of our marriage I have thought his treatment of me could be unfair and unfeeling whenever life threw a curve ball. He lacks empathy and can only ever view any situation from his own position. We married quite late (in our 30's) and are not well off. I have cancer and haven't worked for some time due to poor physical health and severe anxiety about being amongst people due to the germs I might catch that will make my physical health worse. I have seen my GP about this, but they just brush me off and point out I am close to retirement age anyway (I am 63) I will say that this is one area where my DH is supportive and understanding. I don't have a private pension. DH does, but it will not provide enough income for both of us to live apart, and our house is not worth enough to buy two properties. DH does not want to split up, says we can make it work, but then in the last month he has:-

1. forgotten our wedding anniversary and told me that after 30 years it wasn't the most important thing on his mind.
   
2. Spent my Birthday trying to convince me I would enjoy an activity he likes (which I never have enjoyed) and when by lunchtime I was in tears, told me he could never understand anyone not wanting to do exciting things and that he got fed up wasting his time trying to convince me and irritated when I was so awkward and choosy.
   
3. Told me he couldn't understand why I was crying about the death of my parent when I had repeatedly said how badly I had been treated as a child. Also told me to pull myself together and think about something else instead of dwelling on my worries that my siblings might ruin the funeral with their inability to get along with each other.
   
   My parent was 20 years older than me. I can't stop thinking about how shit I feel and that there are only 20 years until I reach the same age. Which isn't long and sort of feels like when you go on a weeks holiday, get to Thursday and realise you have to go home soon - if that makes any sense? I don;t know how to be happy as my life is, and I don;t know where to start to change anything. It all feels too massive and out of my control.
   
   I don't really even know what I want from this thread - I just wanted to write it all down. There is no one i can tell in real life. A lot of the time I just wish my life would end, that I could go to bed and not wake up tomorrow, yet at the same time I want to live with enjoyment. I just don't know how to do it. I've never felt important to anyone but my DC (I know they love me a lot), so doing anything alone feels like a waste of time, as though if there is no one to approve of it, whatever I do is a useless effort, and anyway I always feel deep guilt pleasing myself.
   
   Sorry to ramble. Thanks for reading

[ConfCall]

So sorry to read this OP.

You say you’ve no one to talk to in real life. Do you not have a friendship group? A colleague to whom you’re close?

You have two lovely kids and given you’re talking about surviving another 20 years, I’m assuming your health is under control for now.

You could always rent. Better than being miserable in an owned house, although I do get why you’d want to buy. You could talk to an independent mortgage adviser - would the mortgage on a flat be doable, given that you’d have a decent deposit?

[Lozzerbmc]

I’m sorry you are low. Perhaps a chat with your DH is a good idea , a heart to heart - he needs to understand that the loss of a parent, even if you didnt get along, is still hard because it makes you think of your own mortality and you may wonder and wish you had been given a better parent. Perhaps at 20 your parent found it difficult coping with a baby. Its very young.

Have you no friends to confide in? Could your GP refer you to a counsellor or perhaps contact cruse. Why not talk to your daughter? If you were my mum i’d want you to tell me. She loves you she will want to support you.

Can you get involved in some volunteering? This will lift your spirits; and what about exercise? You could do a daily mile like they do in schools or join a club of sorts? Are there groups or activities to get involved in in your community?
Be kind to yourself

[Musti]

You sound depressed. Have you been to the GPs to see if they can give you anything? Then start doing some stuff to give you a new lease of life - new hobby, volunteering or some part time work. Start socialising more and see if your husband also wants to do it. What activities do you want to do if you're not interested in what your husband likes?