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Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

(302 Posts)
Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:46:06

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

ShirleyPhallus Wed 15-May-19 11:10:05

I’d break up with him cos he doesn’t seem serious about you. If he is, he’ll realise what he’s going to lose and sort it out pronto

Sadly, I think he’s leading you on and has no intention of getting engaged

Sakura7 Wed 15-May-19 11:14:50

happyhillock

So you think women should be bystanders in their own lives and wait for the men to decide what they want and when. What ridiculous advice. And if OP does lose him, it sounds like it's for the best as they're clearly not on the same page.

Being too passive in your own life can really bite you on the arse, unfortunately I know what I'm talking about here.

Polarbearflavour Wed 15-May-19 11:20:35

I was with my ex for 4 years, lived together etc. I wanted children and marriage. He kept saying he would propose. I left him.

Within 2.5 years I met someone else and we are now engaged and getting married in the autumn!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 15-May-19 11:33:19

You find him selfish and there is no equality. He's quite resistant to what you want, and he's aware that you're running out of time. He's quite hung up on his ex, still.

I wouldn't be pushing for an engagement here... I'd be seriously considering if this is it.

thethoughtfox Wed 15-May-19 11:34:18

He doesn't seem to want to marry you. It might be time to move on.

happyhillock Wed 15-May-19 11:36:56

@Sakura7 no i don't think women should be bystanders and do what men want them to do, she is clearly in love with him if she want's to get married he obviously doesn't see the need to, if she want's to go find someone else over a bit of paper that's her choice, i know i would rather be asked to get married rather than him feeling he was being pushed it,

Tipsylizard Wed 15-May-19 11:38:21

Getting engaged/getting married is important to you. He is being dismissive of what is important to you which is a problem. My ex was like this and when it inevitably came to an end and i gained some hindsight I saw it as symptomatic of our relationship. So the question is do you want to marry and have children with a man who is fundamentally not interested in what is important to you?

You don't have time to waste. I did go on to meet and marry an amazing man who does all sorts of things that make me happy.

Good luck flowers

Deadringer Wed 15-May-19 11:45:36

Forget about the proposal, the ring and the engagement, they are mere details, marriage is the real issue here. It's 2019, if you want to get married tell him so. If he doesn't want to get married, look for someone who does. For God's sake don't hang about waiting for him to decide your future.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 11:48:14

It's the having kids bit that's the real issue here I think, you're 36 and your clock is ticking and he's using the marriage conversation to put you off I think. You don't want to run out of time to be able to have kids so he needs to make a decision or you need to move on I think

Sakura7 Wed 15-May-19 11:49:27

@happyhillock

She wants marriage and children, and doesn't have a huge amount of time to waste at 36. Her OH doesn't want children until they're married, but is showing no signs of wanting to get married. So what exactly is she supposed to do? To stay with him risks giving up her own possibility of having a family.

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 11:53:45

I would forget an engagement with this man, he is a waste of your time. As you said it will only buy him time while your fertility is disappearing day by day.
Get rid of him and start again, this time looking for someone who wants the same things as you do.

WhoKnewBeefStew Wed 15-May-19 11:58:28

You’re 36, so if it’s marriage and kids your after then he either needs to sort this now with you, or bugger off so you can meet someone who will do it for you.

In your shoes I’d forget about the engagement, tell him you want to be married and ttc by the end of the year.

Graphista Wed 15-May-19 12:08:46

Been flamed for this before but I've found it to be true.

If a man wants to be with you permanently he'll make it clear within the first 3 years usually with a proposal.

The ones that don't do this aren't that into her and often string their partner along, wasting their fertile years and then in their 40's/early 50's fuck off with a younger woman they marry and impregnate within 12-18 months

Many many threads on the subject on here.

He's not that fussed = he's not committed to you. Having children with someone who isn't that keen to is an appalling thing to do to the child and pretty much guaranteed to lead to the relationship breaking down anyway and their being pretty poor fathers.

You deserve better. Cut your losses and look for someone who appreciates you and wants the same as you.

DBML Wed 15-May-19 12:09:18

I agree this man is wasting your time. He’s fobbing you off and doesn’t sound like he cares whether he ruins your chance for a family or not.
An upfront talk should do the trick. Tell him how it is and whatever his response, take it as the end of the matter and make your decision.
You will come to resent him in future if you wait for nothing.

AnotherEmma Wed 15-May-19 12:11:55

You're 36. End the relationship.

necesitodormirahora Wed 15-May-19 12:15:43

LTB

livefornaps Wed 15-May-19 12:17:22

I agree with @Graphista.

Plus do you want to be with someone who you had to wheedle and wheedle at just to get down the aisle? Really,?

FizzyGreenWater Wed 15-May-19 12:19:07

Leave leave leave, or you will end up childless. That's it in a nutshell.

Leave asap, get your ovarian reserve checked out and look into egg freezing right now. Then relax and be open to meeting another partner.

DON'T have big discussions and lay down ultimatums because you will lose... this man doesn't want to marry and doesn't want kids. So eg if you give him a now or never and mean it, it's quite likely he would actually buy you an engagement ring when he realises he's busted. Then, 18 months from now, I guarantee you there will be no wedding, and he'll be arguing about 'finding the right venue'. Meanwhile you head towards 40...

He doesn't want kids, he dooesn't want marriage. Get out before it's too late.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 12:19:07

Plus do you want to be with someone who you had to wheedle and wheedle at just to get down the aisle? Really,?

Yeah exactly. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who I wasn't even sure wanted to be married to me

HollowTalk Wed 15-May-19 12:20:46

I feel like there is no equality

On this alone I'd end it. You really, really don't want to be married to someone where you feel that before you're even married.

You have so many reasons to end this relationship. He's not over his ex. He knows you're running out of time but can't make a commitment. He doesn't treat you as equal. You need to get moving with regard to a baby - I'd leave him and start again. I think you'll be much, much happier in the end if you do.

Honeyroar Wed 15-May-19 12:26:32

I ink that even if you got the ring he'd then drag his feet about planning a wedding and after that about deciding to ttc. You'll waste so much time that you'll possibly miss the boat. And he can still swan off and do it with someone else in the future.. I think I'd give him an ultimatum- that you get married and plan for children now or else you seperate now. And mean it - for yourself...

Smokesandeats Wed 15-May-19 12:31:08

Don’t waste any more time. If marriage is important to you before you have children you need to meet another man. Tell him the relationship is over because you want different things. If he’s a decent man he will either let you go without any fuss or book the registry office straight away.

SignedUpJust4This Wed 15-May-19 12:33:02

I think it's incredibly cruel when men do this to women. He could cost you your chance of ever having children. Give him a date to propose by and if it doesn't happen call it quits.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Wed 15-May-19 12:33:17

I feel like there is no equality
I do find him quite selfish

Then why on earth would you want to chain yourself to this man for life?

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 12:38:21

Come off whatever contraceptive you are using and tell him. You will see from his reaction what you need to do next.

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