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Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

(302 Posts)
Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:46:06

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Sun 19-May-19 13:27:21

Do you think he would be willing to have a family and hold off with the engagement for now? Or would you not be happy with that?

As well as what Alexa said, if you want to get married in what world is it a good idea to have children first? If someone is willing to make (what should be) a life long commitment of having children with you, then they sure as hell should also be willing to marry you.

If you want to get married but they aren't willing to do that but are happy to get you pregnant, it strongly suggests that they don't see having children as a life long commitment at all, they are just going to go along with the children thing to string you along in the hope it won't happen and if it does, you will be literally left holding the baby when they do meet a woman they want to marry and skip off into the sunset with her.

It makes no sense at all why a man would be wiling to have children with you (which is a much bigger commitment if you are properly morally committed to it) but not marry you if that is what you want and you have made clear that for you it is a pre-condition for having children.

mrswilson2 Sun 19-May-19 13:37:52

What TillytheTiger said , 'I want to have. I want to have a baby and I need to get on with it , we need to get married this year or I'm afraid we aren't on the same page '
I feel in a bit of a similar situation without the child issue and can see it would be making you anxious. Good luck thanks

Roseyflowers Sun 19-May-19 14:17:54

AlexaAmbidextra not at all! I think you misunderstood If you read all of the posts some of them were horrible and personal basically telling me I'm thick and deserve what i get. I don't see anything wrong with sensible, level-headed response.

I said her RESPONSE was reasonable (not that it was correct in my situation) but I don't see anything wrong in posting your own situation when i have asked for opinions .

Roseyflowers Sun 19-May-19 14:19:42

just to clarify he keeps saying we can have a child or at least ttc once we are married. Ideally I want to be pregnant by the end of the year....yes I know, in an ideal world not reality.

Everything keeps being pushed back but he does not want a kid before marriage.

Littlemisssugarplum88 Sun 19-May-19 15:16:43

@AlexaAmbidextra They've been together 2.5 years. Not every man wants to get married to someone in such a short space of time, that does not mean that they think any less of their partner.
Or are you suggesting that a married man makes a better father than one cohabiting?!
I think it is rather unfair that you have stated my comments are ridiculous. We all have different opinions and that's okay.
A girl I've met at a baby group is married, they got married soon after 12 months of meeting and had their baby (currently 8 months old) a year later. Since she was around 6 months pregnant and even now, he sleeps in a different room to her and the baby, he spends his whole evenings at the gym after work every night, they don't eat together, they don't go anywhere together, he doesn't help out with the baby and she doesn't even feel like she can leave the baby with him to nip out. And now she feels like she can't leave him because they are married and have made a legal commitment.
So marriage does not always mean a happy ever after. And OP is desperate for children and given her age, she may not have time to find 'mr right' to have a family with. I agree tho, if OP really isn't happy then she should cut her losses and move on, but if she thinks their relationship might be salvageable then why not work through it (if he is willing to of course)?!

SignedUpJust4This Sun 19-May-19 16:16:09

Does he realise the gamble he is taking with your fertility though OP. I can see why he would want to be married first but he must realise you have a deadline so he should shit or get off the pot if he cares about you. Or is he just self centred?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo Sun 19-May-19 17:58:08

Anyway! How's the house-hunt going? If you want to buy a place, do you have somewhere you could live while you do that? Somewhere near so you can still get to work, see your friends, etc?

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Sun 19-May-19 19:12:19

Not every man wants to get married to someone in such a short space of time, that does not mean that they think any less of their partner.
I think it is rather unfair that you have stated my comments are ridiculous

If a man isn't sure enough to get married to a woman who regards marriage as important, then it is completely ridiculous to suggest he would be sure enough to have children with her. It's totally crazy to have children with a man who is dragging his feet about getting married if getting married is important to you - it makes no sense because having a child is a actually bigger commitment.

If he won't commit to a marriage, then he isn't sure of the relationship and will just be entering into the 'trying for a baby' as a further method of stringing her along hoping she won't conceive. If she does get pregnant, the probability is that he will in his head regard this as a relationship he can leave when he feels like it. There are so many posts on here about this type of thing - woman always wanted to get married, was repeatedly fobbed off, gets pregnant has child, is still not married & crying about it, then man ups and leaves with a new partner who he marries within about 3 months.

It's madness to encourage someone in OP's position to try to encourage him to try for a baby if he isn't willing to make the legal commitment of marriage.

dreichuplands Sun 19-May-19 19:18:45

You aren't wrong puppet

Littlemisssugarplum88 Sun 19-May-19 20:01:46

@PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic but he's not said he's not sure, he's said not at the moment so I don't quite understand your point?
But yes, he could well be stringing her along also, but we don't know that.

I have a child with my OH and we aren't married. Does that mean he's waiting for someone else to come along and will leave at the earliest opportunity?!

You should get married because you both want to, not because one person wants to and they've pressured you into it, it doesn't mean you think any less of your partner because you're aren't ready for marriage after 2 years. I personally think it's absolutely insane to know you want to marry someone after 2 years with them, but each to their own hey!

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Sun 19-May-19 20:59:38

I have a child with my OH and we aren't married. Does that mean he's waiting for someone else to come along and will leave at the earliest opportunity?!

Not that he would leave at the earliest opportunity but that he isn't as committed to you as you want him to be - which was my whole point - and there is a real risk that he will just walk out at some point in future to be with some he actually does want to marry if he meets someone who ticks his boxes.

A child is a least equal to but really more of a commitment than a marriage - but it's easier to walk away from a unmarried woman and child than it is to walk away from a marriage, a public and legal commitment and a joint financial life plus a child. So if a woman actually wants marriage (prior to having a child) it reallly makes no sense for a man (if he wants a secure commited family life) to not want to get engaged or get married.

Look at what you wrote earlier:

I'm 30, we've been together nearly 6 years, lived together 5 years, mortgage is in my name only and we have 1 child and were not engaged. I'd love to get engaged at some point, but for now I am happy as we are until he asks.

You are saying "you'd love to get engaged" but 6 years later and a child, it's a bit late to be saying that. What you have got is a man who by his clear behaviour has indicated he doesn't want to marry you or commit to a life together of financial ties - you don't even have a joint mortgage together. It's ridiculous situation to have put yourself in if you want to get married. Your posts to OP on this thread are very self justifying. If you want to kid yourself you are happy with your situation, you carry on but it is silly for a woman in OP's situation to explore having a child with this man.

I understand that for some women marriage doesn't matter - but that is not the OPs situation (And if you'd love to be engaged it doesn't sound like it's yours either).

AlexaAmbidextra Sun 19-May-19 21:04:08

I personally think it's absolutely insane to know you want to marry someone after 2 years with them, but each to their own hey!

But not absolutely insane to bring a child into the world with them? I think your thought processes are somewhat skewed but crack on.

Littlemisssugarplum88 Sun 19-May-19 21:32:18

Yeah I would love to get engaged at some point, as the majority of us do. But it's not something I am desperate to do right now. With spending money on the house and what not we couldn't possibly afford a wedding anyway.
Also, I already had my mortgage when I met my OH and I said in previous posts that we are hoping to get a joint mortgage to buy a bigger house when we can afford to do so.
I must be the only person in the world to have a child before marriage then yeah?

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Sun 19-May-19 22:36:00

I must be the only person in the world to have a child before marriage then yeah?

No but your also not the only woman stupid enough to have a child with a man she's not married to when really all along that financial and legal security (together with a willingness to make that public commitment in front of your family and friends) was exactly what she wanted all along.

Op is very clear that she wants a marriage as well as a family. To encourage her to embark on having a family prior to marriage is utterly crackers.

Why would you want to have a child with a man who isn't willing to marry you IF (and as I said not all women do want that) that is what you want?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo Sun 19-May-19 22:36:45

I agree with all of the recent posts, unpopular as they might be! If someone is reluctant to get married, I've always taken that as a sign that they feel they could do better.

MoreProseccoNow Sun 19-May-19 22:56:17

I've seen this scenario before, OP was his exit affair & he didn't evaluate properly at the time - just went from one relationship straight to another.

So he's doing his evaluation now.

I'd be inclined to give home A LOT of SPACE by moving out. You have nothing to lose by doing that, OP. Better than wasting time & being on the back foot waiting for a bloke to make his mind up. Take control of your life!

AnotherEmma Mon 20-May-19 07:25:12

"It's madness to encourage someone in OP's position to try to encourage him to try for a baby if he isn't willing to make the legal commitment of marriage."

Exactly

Happynow001 Mon 20-May-19 09:32:13

* The thing about the mortgage is that I have quite a bit of savings, could have bought the house together but he didn't want to. Then he needed me to led him money afterwards because he was so broke!*

OP did you get any legal documentation/acknowledgment that that was a loan and he would pay it back? Anything in writing that this was a loan and not a gift?

* I feel he's strung me along to help with his finances (I've also given him money he owes me) and probably as a get out from a relationship he wasn't happy in.*
Does he have a concrete plan for paying you back? You need to be clear on that especially if a sizeable £sum is involved and that is money you will need for your own home and future.

Get legal advice so you know your financial position. Good luck OP. 🌹

Questionnumber1 Mon 20-May-19 13:57:10

The financial side of things is outrageous - this man is not your friend. I would do as pp advised and tell him you'll be getting legal advice about putting a claim in on the house and see if that pushes him to repay you money owed.

Mother87 Tue 21-May-19 03:27:22

Sorry but he doesn't sound like he wants to get married... And you 'waiting' and showing him rings is very demeaning! I would walk away and hope to meet someone who was enthusiastic about me AND marriage - i believe it should be mutual!! Not YOU waiting for HIM to pick you!! I want somebody to feel very lucky that I've also decided to be with them...

RantyAnty Tue 21-May-19 05:11:18

I just now noticed the part about your loaning him money. I'm curious as to how much he owes you?

Moviestar Wed 29-May-19 23:57:50

Thinking of you Rosey ,I hope you are doing ok.

AMBE123 Thu 30-May-19 18:32:38

Yes please post back and say how things are?

carly2803 Thu 30-May-19 21:51:08

i hope by now OP you have seen sense and left him,

To put it bluntly...

He is a freeloading waste of space who is using you for a shag and to pay his mortgage.

Your 36, your wasting precious years fertility wise. Menopause can start at 40 or earlier for some women. men dont have the same drama. He knows this

H will be back with his x and she will be pregnant. I guarantee. YOu wll be 40 and childless if you stay with this moron

You deserve better!

HollyLM Thu 30-May-19 23:29:31

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