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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:

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Mayalready · 15/05/2019 10:47

Imo his thinking about it is a fob off.

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:48

That is my fear :( Probably why I am so anxious.

OP posts:

hippermiddleton · 15/05/2019 10:50

No, don't accept it. If he's even mentioning his over-four-years-ago relationship, then he's not really over it.

You're 36. You have enough time to meet someone else, get married, have children. But if you hang about for another 18 months waiting for him to 'do it in his own time' only to find he doesn't want kids/marriage at all, you'll have wasted really, really precious time.

timeisnotaline · 15/05/2019 10:51

No. You’re 36. I’d say it’s now or never , presumably he’s an adult who can make up his mind. It’s insulting.

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:51

hippermiddleton thank you

He did mention it but in the context of it not wanting to go wrong again, they weren't even married. I can't see why, if he's happy with me that he'll be thinking of that time in his life.

OP posts:

magoria · 15/05/2019 10:52

I think it is not going to happen.

If DC are important end your relationship sooner rather than later and walk away.

Unfortunately time isn't on your side. Maybe consider going it alone if you are in a position to.

Sakura7 · 15/05/2019 10:54

He needs to shit or get off the pot, to put it bluntly. You're 36, you're not being at all unreasonable. You need to actively seek out the future you want, don't let him string you along and then let you down.

Merchant · 15/05/2019 10:54

!! No! How long are you supposed to wait? If you were 26 then sure, wait a bit but I wouldn’t be just plodding along at 36. You say you want kids, have you looked further into that? The reason I ask is that when we started trying for a family in our 30’s, nothing happened for ages so I went for tests that showed I was infertile and would only ever have a child through IVF. Absolutely not saying that will happen to you but it shocked us and we were glad we went sooner rather than later as dealing with that and then having IVF took lots more years. Time ticks on quickly when it comes to fertility. If I was you, I’d go see the GP or a private clinic and get everything tested. They can tell you where you stand with your fertility. I just think that’s it’s best to be informed at your age. You can then use that info to decide what to do next. Even if you get engaged to this guy tomorrow, how long before you actually get married?

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:54

I do find him quite selfish. I have shown him the types of engagement rings i like but he is very dismissive and says he doesn't want any input and wants to decide it himself . But I sound like a princess when I say I want to tell him the rings I like!
I feel like there is no equality

OP posts:

TillyTheTiger · 15/05/2019 10:55

You need to let go of the idea of a romantic surprise proposal - sit down with him and tell him that you're conscious that time is running out for you to start a family, and ask to set a date for your wedding.
If he won't, then you know where you stand and you can move on.

Merchant · 15/05/2019 10:56

Also, remember he has time on his side. He can faff around for another 15/20 years and then have kids. All the options are with him. You don’t have them. Realistically you have a 3 year window to make some decisions and get into a position for having a child. Don’t waste that for a guy who has no gumption to do anything about it right now

Sakura7 · 15/05/2019 10:56

He sounds like an idiot OP, you can do much better.

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:56

Yes, i think even if we get engaged I'd worry it wouldn't lead to marriage. He had a longish engagement with his ex and then it ended. He might even do it to buy some time?

He needs to shit or get off the pot, to put it bluntly hahahaha brilliant!

OP posts:

Windygate · 15/05/2019 10:57

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to marry you. Maybe time to move on?

Merchant · 15/05/2019 10:58

Oh and if it was me, at your age I’d be forgetting the engagement. If he wants to be married before kids then registry office this summer, pregnant by Christmas. Set your game plan, tell him what you want.

happyhillock · 15/05/2019 10:59

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 3 years, don't live together, we have one weekend at mine and the next at his, holiday's are the same, of course i've thought about us getting married, he's never asked and it doesn't get spoken about, does it bother me no it doesn't, i don't see the point in forcing an issue on someone who clearly is not ready for marriage.

Zoeputthatdown · 15/05/2019 11:04

"He says just enjoy what we have now" - yes, live in the moment but when things are going well it's also good to plan ahead.
Unfortunately for you Rosey if he’s not ready then he's not ready. I don't see how you can change that.
How did his last relationship end...?

lessnoisepls · 15/05/2019 11:05

How long have you two been together?

It sounds like he's putting things off, but depending on how long you two have been together - it could be understandable.

I think you just need to lay your cards on the table.
You're x age, and you want to start trying for family now. Are you on board? Do we have the same goals? What's stopping us? etc

It's tough but you can do it! xx

hippermiddleton · 15/05/2019 11:05

It's very easy advice to give, but incredibly difficult to act on, I know. None of us have crystal balls and can know how relationships will pan out - it's hard to know from what you've said whether he's a worrier who wants everything to be perfect but is fundamentally on the same page as you, or whether he's just stalling because he doesn't want to get married/isn't bothered about kids, so the status quo suits him. I think, from your updates, that you know which he is, deep down.

Forget second-guessing him, and focus on what you want. Do you want children more than you want to be with this particular man? Because if so, you need to be brave and move on. If it's any encouragement, at least three of my friends left relationships in their mid/late thirties and all now have husbands and families.

happyhillock · 15/05/2019 11:06

@Roseyflowers My god talk about being desperate you've shown him the engagement ring's you like!!! Your going to lose him if you keep forcing the situation, he had a bad experience in the past, so what if it was 4 year's, it obviously still grates on him.

CloudRusting · 15/05/2019 11:07

Time for him to put up or shut up. It may be that he is just enjoying things now and has closed his eyes to the ticking fertility. Or he just isn’t that fussed about marrying you and having kids so has no reason to hurry up. So I would want to force his hand.

If you want kids then you don’t have time to fart around. I would tell him you want to try TTC now given your age and if he does want that then that is fine but you’ll be moving on if he doesn’t. If he wants to get hitched you can have a quick wedding now or do it whilst you are pregnant.

RosaWaiting · 15/05/2019 11:07

"I feel like there is no equality"

well that's not a good start.

if you think he's the right person for you, then propose to him, suggest a registry office wedding asap and starting to try for DC asap after that.

his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/05/2019 11:08

he doesn't want any input and wants to decide it himself

So you're not allowed to have any say in a ring that could theoretically be on your finger for the rest of your life!?!?!

Bet seriously, I think he's fobbing you off.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have kids. Please don't waste time waiting for him to grow up.

PickAChew · 15/05/2019 11:08

Nah, I would normally ask why you can't propose but that would be a bad idea, anyhow, given his current rhetoric. I think you need to move on, unfortunately, while you don't have legal ties to each other.

ShirleyPhallus · 15/05/2019 11:10

I’d break up with him cos he doesn’t seem serious about you. If he is, he’ll realise what he’s going to lose and sort it out pronto

Sadly, I think he’s leading you on and has no intention of getting engaged

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