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Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

(302 Posts)
Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:46:06

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

Mayalready Wed 15-May-19 10:47:00

Imo his thinking about it is a fob off.

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:48:35

That is my fear sad Probably why I am so anxious.

hippermiddleton Wed 15-May-19 10:50:19

No, don't accept it. If he's even mentioning his over-four-years-ago relationship, then he's not really over it.

You're 36. You have enough time to meet someone else, get married, have children. But if you hang about for another 18 months waiting for him to 'do it in his own time' only to find he doesn't want kids/marriage at all, you'll have wasted really, really precious time.

timeisnotaline Wed 15-May-19 10:51:30

No. You’re 36. I’d say it’s now or never , presumably he’s an adult who can make up his mind. It’s insulting.

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:51:53

hippermiddleton thank you

He did mention it but in the context of it not wanting to go wrong again, they weren't even married. I can't see why, if he's happy with me that he'll be thinking of that time in his life.

magoria Wed 15-May-19 10:52:59

I think it is not going to happen.

If DC are important end your relationship sooner rather than later and walk away.

Unfortunately time isn't on your side. Maybe consider going it alone if you are in a position to.

Sakura7 Wed 15-May-19 10:54:25

He needs to shit or get off the pot, to put it bluntly. You're 36, you're not being at all unreasonable. You need to actively seek out the future you want, don't let him string you along and then let you down.

Merchant Wed 15-May-19 10:54:26

!! No! How long are you supposed to wait? If you were 26 then sure, wait a bit but I wouldn’t be just plodding along at 36. You say you want kids, have you looked further into that? The reason I ask is that when we started trying for a family in our 30’s, nothing happened for ages so I went for tests that showed I was infertile and would only ever have a child through IVF. Absolutely not saying that will happen to you but it shocked us and we were glad we went sooner rather than later as dealing with that and then having IVF took lots more years. Time ticks on quickly when it comes to fertility. If I was you, I’d go see the GP or a private clinic and get everything tested. They can tell you where you stand with your fertility. I just think that’s it’s best to be informed at your age. You can then use that info to decide what to do next. Even if you get engaged to this guy tomorrow, how long before you actually get married?

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:54:43

I do find him quite selfish. I have shown him the types of engagement rings i like but he is very dismissive and says he doesn't want any input and wants to decide it himself . But I sound like a princess when I say I want to tell him the rings I like!
I feel like there is no equality

TillyTheTiger Wed 15-May-19 10:55:04

You need to let go of the idea of a romantic surprise proposal - sit down with him and tell him that you're conscious that time is running out for you to start a family, and ask to set a date for your wedding.
If he won't, then you know where you stand and you can move on.

Merchant Wed 15-May-19 10:56:37

Also, remember he has time on his side. He can faff around for another 15/20 years and then have kids. All the options are with him. You don’t have them. Realistically you have a 3 year window to make some decisions and get into a position for having a child. Don’t waste that for a guy who has no gumption to do anything about it right now

Sakura7 Wed 15-May-19 10:56:53

He sounds like an idiot OP, you can do much better.

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 10:56:56

Yes, i think even if we get engaged I'd worry it wouldn't lead to marriage. He had a longish engagement with his ex and then it ended. He might even do it to buy some time?

He needs to shit or get off the pot, to put it bluntly hahahaha brilliant!

Windygate Wed 15-May-19 10:57:15

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to marry you. Maybe time to move on?

Merchant Wed 15-May-19 10:58:06

Oh and if it was me, at your age I’d be forgetting the engagement. If he wants to be married before kids then registry office this summer, pregnant by Christmas. Set your game plan, tell him what you want.

happyhillock Wed 15-May-19 10:59:12

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 3 years, don't live together, we have one weekend at mine and the next at his, holiday's are the same, of course i've thought about us getting married, he's never asked and it doesn't get spoken about, does it bother me no it doesn't, i don't see the point in forcing an issue on someone who clearly is not ready for marriage.

Zoeputthatdown Wed 15-May-19 11:04:41

"He says just enjoy what we have now" - yes, live in the moment but when things are going well it's also good to plan ahead.
Unfortunately for you Rosey if he’s not ready then he's not ready. I don't see how you can change that.
How did his last relationship end...?

lessnoisepls Wed 15-May-19 11:05:15

How long have you two been together?

It sounds like he's putting things off, but depending on how long you two have been together - it could be understandable.

I think you just need to lay your cards on the table.
You're x age, and you want to start trying for family now. Are you on board? Do we have the same goals? What's stopping us? etc

It's tough but you can do it! xx

hippermiddleton Wed 15-May-19 11:05:44

It's very easy advice to give, but incredibly difficult to act on, I know. None of us have crystal balls and can know how relationships will pan out - it's hard to know from what you've said whether he's a worrier who wants everything to be perfect but is fundamentally on the same page as you, or whether he's just stalling because he doesn't want to get married/isn't bothered about kids, so the status quo suits him. I think, from your updates, that you know which he is, deep down.

Forget second-guessing him, and focus on what you want. Do you want children more than you want to be with this particular man? Because if so, you need to be brave and move on. If it's any encouragement, at least three of my friends left relationships in their mid/late thirties and all now have husbands and families.

happyhillock Wed 15-May-19 11:06:15

@Roseyflowers My god talk about being desperate you've shown him the engagement ring's you like!!! Your going to lose him if you keep forcing the situation, he had a bad experience in the past, so what if it was 4 year's, it obviously still grates on him.

CloudRusting Wed 15-May-19 11:07:32

Time for him to put up or shut up. It may be that he is just enjoying things now and has closed his eyes to the ticking fertility. Or he just isn’t that fussed about marrying you and having kids so has no reason to hurry up. So I would want to force his hand.

If you want kids then you don’t have time to fart around. I would tell him you want to try TTC now given your age and if he does want that then that is fine but you’ll be moving on if he doesn’t. If he wants to get hitched you can have a quick wedding now or do it whilst you are pregnant.

RosaWaiting Wed 15-May-19 11:07:37

"I feel like there is no equality"

well that's not a good start.

if you think he's the right person for you, then propose to him, suggest a registry office wedding asap and starting to try for DC asap after that.

his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 15-May-19 11:08:18

he doesn't want any input and wants to decide it himself

So you're not allowed to have any say in a ring that could theoretically be on your finger for the rest of your life!?!?!

Bet seriously, I think he's fobbing you off.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have kids. Please don't waste time waiting for him to grow up.

PickAChew Wed 15-May-19 11:08:53

Nah, I would normally ask why you can't propose but that would be a bad idea, anyhow, given his current rhetoric. I think you need to move on, unfortunately, while you don't have legal ties to each other.

ShirleyPhallus Wed 15-May-19 11:10:05

I’d break up with him cos he doesn’t seem serious about you. If he is, he’ll realise what he’s going to lose and sort it out pronto

Sadly, I think he’s leading you on and has no intention of getting engaged

Sakura7 Wed 15-May-19 11:14:50

happyhillock

So you think women should be bystanders in their own lives and wait for the men to decide what they want and when. What ridiculous advice. And if OP does lose him, it sounds like it's for the best as they're clearly not on the same page.

Being too passive in your own life can really bite you on the arse, unfortunately I know what I'm talking about here.

Polarbearflavour Wed 15-May-19 11:20:35

I was with my ex for 4 years, lived together etc. I wanted children and marriage. He kept saying he would propose. I left him.

Within 2.5 years I met someone else and we are now engaged and getting married in the autumn!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 15-May-19 11:33:19

You find him selfish and there is no equality. He's quite resistant to what you want, and he's aware that you're running out of time. He's quite hung up on his ex, still.

I wouldn't be pushing for an engagement here... I'd be seriously considering if this is it.

thethoughtfox Wed 15-May-19 11:34:18

He doesn't seem to want to marry you. It might be time to move on.

happyhillock Wed 15-May-19 11:36:56

@Sakura7 no i don't think women should be bystanders and do what men want them to do, she is clearly in love with him if she want's to get married he obviously doesn't see the need to, if she want's to go find someone else over a bit of paper that's her choice, i know i would rather be asked to get married rather than him feeling he was being pushed it,

Tipsylizard Wed 15-May-19 11:38:21

Getting engaged/getting married is important to you. He is being dismissive of what is important to you which is a problem. My ex was like this and when it inevitably came to an end and i gained some hindsight I saw it as symptomatic of our relationship. So the question is do you want to marry and have children with a man who is fundamentally not interested in what is important to you?

You don't have time to waste. I did go on to meet and marry an amazing man who does all sorts of things that make me happy.

Good luck flowers

Deadringer Wed 15-May-19 11:45:36

Forget about the proposal, the ring and the engagement, they are mere details, marriage is the real issue here. It's 2019, if you want to get married tell him so. If he doesn't want to get married, look for someone who does. For God's sake don't hang about waiting for him to decide your future.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 11:48:14

It's the having kids bit that's the real issue here I think, you're 36 and your clock is ticking and he's using the marriage conversation to put you off I think. You don't want to run out of time to be able to have kids so he needs to make a decision or you need to move on I think

Sakura7 Wed 15-May-19 11:49:27

@happyhillock

She wants marriage and children, and doesn't have a huge amount of time to waste at 36. Her OH doesn't want children until they're married, but is showing no signs of wanting to get married. So what exactly is she supposed to do? To stay with him risks giving up her own possibility of having a family.

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 11:53:45

I would forget an engagement with this man, he is a waste of your time. As you said it will only buy him time while your fertility is disappearing day by day.
Get rid of him and start again, this time looking for someone who wants the same things as you do.

WhoKnewBeefStew Wed 15-May-19 11:58:28

You’re 36, so if it’s marriage and kids your after then he either needs to sort this now with you, or bugger off so you can meet someone who will do it for you.

In your shoes I’d forget about the engagement, tell him you want to be married and ttc by the end of the year.

Graphista Wed 15-May-19 12:08:46

Been flamed for this before but I've found it to be true.

If a man wants to be with you permanently he'll make it clear within the first 3 years usually with a proposal.

The ones that don't do this aren't that into her and often string their partner along, wasting their fertile years and then in their 40's/early 50's fuck off with a younger woman they marry and impregnate within 12-18 months

Many many threads on the subject on here.

He's not that fussed = he's not committed to you. Having children with someone who isn't that keen to is an appalling thing to do to the child and pretty much guaranteed to lead to the relationship breaking down anyway and their being pretty poor fathers.

You deserve better. Cut your losses and look for someone who appreciates you and wants the same as you.

DBML Wed 15-May-19 12:09:18

I agree this man is wasting your time. He’s fobbing you off and doesn’t sound like he cares whether he ruins your chance for a family or not.
An upfront talk should do the trick. Tell him how it is and whatever his response, take it as the end of the matter and make your decision.
You will come to resent him in future if you wait for nothing.

AnotherEmma Wed 15-May-19 12:11:55

You're 36. End the relationship.

necesitodormirahora Wed 15-May-19 12:15:43

LTB

livefornaps Wed 15-May-19 12:17:22

I agree with @Graphista.

Plus do you want to be with someone who you had to wheedle and wheedle at just to get down the aisle? Really,?

FizzyGreenWater Wed 15-May-19 12:19:07

Leave leave leave, or you will end up childless. That's it in a nutshell.

Leave asap, get your ovarian reserve checked out and look into egg freezing right now. Then relax and be open to meeting another partner.

DON'T have big discussions and lay down ultimatums because you will lose... this man doesn't want to marry and doesn't want kids. So eg if you give him a now or never and mean it, it's quite likely he would actually buy you an engagement ring when he realises he's busted. Then, 18 months from now, I guarantee you there will be no wedding, and he'll be arguing about 'finding the right venue'. Meanwhile you head towards 40...

He doesn't want kids, he dooesn't want marriage. Get out before it's too late.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 12:19:07

Plus do you want to be with someone who you had to wheedle and wheedle at just to get down the aisle? Really,?

Yeah exactly. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who I wasn't even sure wanted to be married to me

HollowTalk Wed 15-May-19 12:20:46

I feel like there is no equality

On this alone I'd end it. You really, really don't want to be married to someone where you feel that before you're even married.

You have so many reasons to end this relationship. He's not over his ex. He knows you're running out of time but can't make a commitment. He doesn't treat you as equal. You need to get moving with regard to a baby - I'd leave him and start again. I think you'll be much, much happier in the end if you do.

Honeyroar Wed 15-May-19 12:26:32

I ink that even if you got the ring he'd then drag his feet about planning a wedding and after that about deciding to ttc. You'll waste so much time that you'll possibly miss the boat. And he can still swan off and do it with someone else in the future.. I think I'd give him an ultimatum- that you get married and plan for children now or else you seperate now. And mean it - for yourself...

Smokesandeats Wed 15-May-19 12:31:08

Don’t waste any more time. If marriage is important to you before you have children you need to meet another man. Tell him the relationship is over because you want different things. If he’s a decent man he will either let you go without any fuss or book the registry office straight away.

SignedUpJust4This Wed 15-May-19 12:33:02

I think it's incredibly cruel when men do this to women. He could cost you your chance of ever having children. Give him a date to propose by and if it doesn't happen call it quits.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Wed 15-May-19 12:33:17

I feel like there is no equality
I do find him quite selfish

Then why on earth would you want to chain yourself to this man for life?

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 12:38:21

Come off whatever contraceptive you are using and tell him. You will see from his reaction what you need to do next.

AnotherEmma Wed 15-May-19 12:48:57

Wtf kind of "advice" is that?! confused

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 12:51:40

Come off whatever contraceptive you are using and tell him. You will see from his reaction what you need to do next.

Please don't do this

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 12:53:37

Why should she keep taking the responsibility of protecting herself from having children that she wants so that he can continue to have responsibility free sex while stringing her along? If he doesn't want children then by her coming off contraception he will have to tell her.
What's so shocking about that?!

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 12:57:42

He is currently shutting down all your attempts at conversation so op tell him with your actions instead. I would be making plans to leave.

Mitzimaybe Wed 15-May-19 12:59:54

He doesn't want children until married (fair enough) but he doesn't want to get married or even engaged. If you keep pushing him he might do the engagement thing but the wedding will never materialise.

I think you have to tell him either you set a date for the wedding (engagement ring is neither here nor there) or you're off. And be prepared to carry through.

pinacoladalover Wed 15-May-19 12:59:54

"Been flamed for this before but I've found it to be true.

If a man wants to be with you permanently he'll make it clear within the first 3 years usually with a proposal.

The ones that don't do this aren't that into her and often string their partner along, wasting their fertile years and then in their 40's/early 50's fuck off with a younger woman they marry and impregnate within 12-18 months "

This is ridiculous! I have been with my now husband 14 years, we only got married last year. Practicality, just for the sake if something happens to one of us. I never felt he didn't want to be with me forever because we were not married, never ever! It was a common decision and it was just the 2 of us, noone else. None of us wanted the big wedding or the stress of organizing it. It all depends on your relationship. Do you feel him on your side? Do you feel him as your other half? I always felt my husband on my side, we were a team and I never ever doubted his intentions or his love for me married or not! Only you have the answer!

onlyk Wed 15-May-19 13:00:31

You’re 36 so your window of opportunity is closing.

Give him a deadline. Very simple if he wants to marry you he needs to propose in the next 6 months or you will leave him and find someone who does want to get married and have children. Then actually do it.

I know a number of people who have done this and all are now married with children. Not all with their original partners.

Good luck

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 13:01:31

Why should she keep taking the responsibility of protecting herself from having children that she wants so that he can continue to have responsibility free sex while stringing her along? If he doesn't want children then by her coming off contraception he will have to tell her.
What's so shocking about that?!

Presumably she wants to bring a child into the world that's wanted by both parents for a start.

Also, if she gets pregnant with someone who doesn't actually want to be a dad, there's a very good chance she'll end up being a single parent

And lastly, how do you know he doesn't use protection himself anyway?

Questionnumber1 Wed 15-May-19 13:03:24

Did I say get pregnant? My advice was to come off contraception, tell him and watch his reaction.

Itsmellslikefr3shgrass Wed 15-May-19 13:05:14

I'd tell him that your window of fertility is closing. Give him 3 months to set date for wedding
Forget the engagement
You could have a new husband by Xmas, if he declines your offer
I agree you need to take action

AryaStarkWolf Wed 15-May-19 13:05:32

Did I say get pregnant? My advice was to come off contraception, tell him and watch his reaction.

Why would she actually have to come off contraception if it was only a reaction she was looking for rather than a baby? hmm]

MiddleAgedChub Wed 15-May-19 13:05:55

Too late for a typical engagement, wedding pathway.

You are not young, sorry. Confront him straight. What is his position with regards to marriage and children?

Once you have discussed and if he is committed, get married quick and ttc.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Wed 15-May-19 13:08:05

I told my (now) DH I loved him enough to marry him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never be married.

Being married before having children was important to me however if I was 36 I think I would sacrifice the wedding for the babies - but put the baby's name in your name rather than his surname and tell him you either all have the same surname or you don't - that should spur him on!

dreichuplands Wed 15-May-19 13:11:53

Are you really sure that you want dc with this man?
If you are than I would put aside thoughts of engagements and rings and sit down and have a conversation about marriage, babies and definite timescales.
If he pushes back then I would move on. He must understand that there are time issues with you having a family.

crosspelican Wed 15-May-19 13:12:41

he always says he's 'thinking about it'

The translation of this is: I'm not convinced. I'm just waiting to see if anyone better comes along because I still want to have sex with someone in the meantime.

YOU have had enough time to establish that he is a person you wish to marry and have children with, so HE has also had enough time - but he doesn't want to.

At 36 you still have plenty of time to move on and meet somebody wonderful who wants the same things as you do. Don't waste any more time on this guy.

AnotherEmma Wed 15-May-19 13:13:50

Ffs marriage is not about surnames
Some married women even keep their own surnames!!! shock shock shock

AnotherEmma Wed 15-May-19 13:14:21

A few cross posts there

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 13:16:35

Ok, so I am not over-reacting. I feel exhausted. Spoke to im again earlier this week and he does tell me he wants marriage as well.
It's so confusing. If he doesn't want marriage/babies why tell me he does?
For him there is no sense of urgency.
The whole thing is making me quite depressed but at least most are saying what I was thinking. He's made me feel like i'm nagging or being difficult by wanting an engagement. I see , with the responses that I'm being reasonable.

HollowTalk Wed 15-May-19 13:18:43

You would be nagging or being difficult if you were trying to force him to do something he didn't want to do, like clean the toilet. If he feels the same about an engagement or wedding, then time to think again.

Hollowvictory Wed 15-May-19 13:20:23

Forget the engagement that means nothing. Tell him you want to book the wedding so let's look at dates/budgets. If he won't do that he doesn't want to marry you.

dontgobaconmyheart Wed 15-May-19 13:22:11

I would normally say yes YABU for waiting for a man to propose if you want marriage, just because he is...a man (so it happens when he decides confused). No idea why anyone lives their life like this as though women actually are inferior to men when it comes to what forms our relationships take or waiting for a man to 'pick' us 'properly' by proposing.

With that said this is clearly about so Mich more OP- why do you even want to be with someone like this? He isn't actually bothered about what you want or the impact on you, especially re: age and your desire to have kids. He sounds flaky and full of excuses and I cannot see the appeal, he is so obviously fobbing you of and happy to do so regardless of how it makes you feel. The comments about his last relationship are a red flag as well.

Don't let sunk cost fallacy (or his infinite putting it off) rob you of a situation that would make you happier. Would it not be better to find someone who wants what you want, makes you feel loved in the ways you want, who shares a goal of children?

averythinline Wed 15-May-19 13:23:00

Its nagging or difficult because its not what he wants.....
but he is too lazy/comfortable to bother changing things....

please dont waste anymore of your time with him if you want to be married ....if you want dc then you have not much time ...

Graphista Wed 15-May-19 13:23:31

Pinacoladalover - did you know within the first 3 years that he intended to stay with you permanently? That you were on the same page on the issues that mattered?

"I always felt my husband on my side, we were a team and I never ever doubted his intentions or his love for me married or not! Only you have the answer!" That suggests to me the answers are yes - which is what I said.

I didn't say ALWAYS a proposal but usually and if not a proposal then in other ways made it clear to their partners they were committed to them.

If you're going to quote someone at least read what you're quoting.

Op you really don't have time to waste. It's not just conceiving that gets harder as a woman gets older, the risk of mc, premature and stillbirth, pregnancy complications, chromosomal abnormalities etc all increase too.

billy1966 Wed 15-May-19 13:23:42

Know your own worth.
He's not convinced you are the one for him.
He's humiliating you by his response.
Move on and find someone whom you feel treats you like an equal and isn't selfish.
He certainly doesn't read like any prize.
Good luck.

happyhillock Wed 15-May-19 13:28:32

@Sakura7, okay to solve the problem why doesn't she ask him to marry her? She'll then get her answer one way or another, then the choice is her's wether she stay's, i know she want's to have a family and her age is becoming a problem, if she does leave she then has to wait to find somebody else, if she does they have to get to know one another. She's back to square one

RiddleMeThis2018 Wed 15-May-19 13:34:55

As someone who has walked in your shoes, I strenuously advise you to ditch this guy. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I wasn’t able to nag and cajole my ex-fiancé into marrying me. He proposed to shut me up, and never had any intention of actually planning a wedding. Don’t fall into the trap I stayed in for another 18 months!! FWIW, i’m now married to a wonderful guy who is committed to and cares about my goals and needs. But that’s by the by. A life with someone who doesn’t really care about you both working together to be happy would be pure misery. Take back control!

firstimemamma Wed 15-May-19 13:36:23

"Put the baby's name in your name rather than his surname and tell him you either all have the same surname or you don't - that should spur him on!"

Please don't do this. A baby shouldn't be used as a way of manipulating someone into marriage.

Your relationship doesn't sound ready for an engagement or a baby tbh. Why not find someone who wants the same things out of life rather than someone who just says they do?

I hope your situation improves soon one way or another op thanks

JeezOhGeeWhizz Wed 15-May-19 13:43:09

Nah - he doesn't want to marry you.
I would move on from this tyre kicker if I were you and find someone who really wants to be with you and takes your feelings into account.
He sounds pretty selfish too.

HelveticaSurprise Wed 15-May-19 13:47:30

OP, it sounds as if you don't want to marry him either -- quite rightly, as he sounds thoughtless, selfish and arrogant enough to think you're going to hang around endlessly for him.

AnotherEmma Wed 15-May-19 13:47:45

How long have you been in a relationship and how long have you been living together? Are you renting or have you bought (together or separately)?

He's got to be a complete idiot not to realise the "urgency" when you're 36. If you wait a few more years and end up have difficulties conceiving, you will bitterly regret it. If you wait and it turns out he doesn't want marriage and children with you after all, it will probably be too late for you to find someone else in time.

In your position, I would get a full fertility check-up ASAP. And assess the relationship - there may be lots of good points you haven't mentioned here, but he's not sounding like a keeper at the moment.

GingerFigs Wed 15-May-19 13:58:47

Agree with previous posters, he is stalling because he’s not sure, but his stalling is selfish as you have been clear on what you need from this relationship, and you’re not being unreasonable as time is not on your side.

I think you should leave him for someone who shares the same goals as you. Please please do not push someone into marriage and children. He may say yes if you threaten to leave, but if he’s really not sure then at some point in the future he will flake on you and your children. This will leave you as a single parent, I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, but you then have to agree co-parenting, maintenance, go through the break up and impact on children etc. Don’t do it. Don’t push someone into something they clearly don’t want to do at this point in their life, it isn’t fair on him either. He may well go on to marry and have children with someone else, but that’s his prerogative.

Leave him and find someone who you truly want to marry and have a family with.

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 14:01:10

Thanks for all the replies, I do agree (deep down). It's easier giving advice when you're not in the situation. I do know my own worth but obviously it's tough when you care about someone and have a life with them.
I think he is quite immature and happy to bumble along and do it in his own sweet time the problem is this makes me unhappy so we're not on the same page.

I'm going away this weekend with my mum and sister so i need to think about how and what i am going to do.

I do appreciate all the feedback and comments. Even though it's tough reading it ultimately confirms what I thought x

GingerFigs Wed 15-May-19 14:18:01

Hugs Rosey it is so hard to actually do the doing. You have a life together and you love him. It’s not that easy to just walk away. Best wishes flowers

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 14:19:46

GingerFigs thank you , i do need a bit of support. Some of the messages are quite brutal when in reality it's tough facing reality.

Babes222 Wed 15-May-19 14:49:04

If he wanted to marry you he would. Time to move on.

Hollowvictory Wed 15-May-19 14:52:22

Do you want to marry an immature bumbler? I recommend marrying a highly competent adult. There, are many threads from women who married men who they perhaps found endearingly bumbling only to find that, especially when you have kids, the appeal of the bumbling has well and truly worn off and what they want is an effective husband and Co parent.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 15-May-19 14:54:08

It's so confusing. If he doesn't want marriage/babies why tell me he does?

It's not confusing at all! And you need to work that one out quick smart because you are being STRUNG ALONG!

he tells you that he wants marriage and babies because that's what you want so he. lies. to. you. so. you. don't. leave. him. HE LIES TO YOU SO YOU DON'T LEAVE HIM. He wants you to stay making his life nice, he likes things as they are, so he LIES and says sure of course I want babies and marriage.

That's it.

You HAVE to get that in your head or you will still be with him just as you are now, when you are 42, with no kids, and you will BITTERLY regret it.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 15-May-19 14:55:09

Sorry to be so direct. But you are 36. You cannot wait. You really really cannot wait.

happybunny007 Wed 15-May-19 14:57:33

He doesn't want to marry you.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 15-May-19 15:03:32

The surname thing isn't so mad really if you stand back and really weigh up exactly what is most important - I see what that poster is trying to say.

Really the only thing that is a do or die situation is the baby thing. You could very reasonably decide that THE most important thing is having a baby, and that at 36, staying with him and having one (or rather, insisting on either trying for a baby right now or splitting, total ultimatum) is the option with the highest chance of success. Splitting - you might not find someone else; donor sperm - lower success rate, also a delay.

IF you decided to do the former and insist on trying, marriage or no marriage, totally call his bluff - in that situation, you should absolutely give the baby your surname. If not married, you are in control of this anyway. Then if you actually never marry and/or split, you have the baby carrying your name; if you do marry, you could change it or not change it, whatever.

NameChangeNugget Wed 15-May-19 15:26:35

If you flip this, what’s in it for him? Marriage doesn’t suit everyone

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 15:30:31

We've been together 2.5 years. It was a tricky start as we met through friends and both had partners. I broke up with my ex and he took a lot longer but felt very guilty!

I moved in to his house approx 18 months ago.

So i feel a lot of positives ie moving towards/being in a serious relationship but now it feels like we've ticked off the ones he's ok with but marriage and kids seems to be stalling.

happybunny007 Wed 15-May-19 15:38:48

Oh dear. Prepare to get your arse handed to you on a plate.

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 15:40:24

I'll need the Weekend away to think about it....but I am getting angry...probably a good sign!

billy1966 Wed 15-May-19 15:42:46

I certainly don't think it's easy to walk away but I do think it's probably easier to visualise, than wasting years on someone who just isn't sure, and then moves on!
That's not good for anyone's self esteem.
You are worth a lot more than this.

dreichuplands Wed 15-May-19 15:43:51

I doubt that feelings of guilt because he cheated on his ex with you are why he won't marry you.
You need to be clear and boundaried with him. Or maybe look for someone better?

Roseyflowers Wed 15-May-19 15:50:11

Yes, I don't understand why he'd still be caught up in how it ended with his ex? When we spoke about it a few weeks back it was worded to me so as to say he didn't want to get hurt again or that he doesn't want to fuck it up again.

LizzieSiddal Wed 15-May-19 15:50:39

I don’t understand why women sit around waiting for a man to propose.confused it’s 2019!
We discussed getting married, decided we wanted to them went off together to chose a ring.

He either wants to get married or he doesn’t.

Ask him to discuss your future together and tell him how you feel. If he dismisses you’re wishes then I’d end the relationship.

Loopytiles Wed 15-May-19 15:52:15

He has much better odds of having DC when he is older than you do.

Much depends on whether he cares about you and your wishes to marry and ttc in the very near future, and reducing your risk of never becoming a biological parent, more than his wish not to marry and have DC with you.

Sounds like he is putting himself first.

GarnierBBCream Wed 15-May-19 15:53:30

Oh, ffs, wake up! He's stringing you along and be allowing him to waste your time you are condoning it. He'll never marry you or be 'ready' to have kids with you. You need to leave him. Should be easy if you're living in his house, you just find another place to live, move out and prepare to go it alone. You don't have time on your hand if you're 36. Get rid of him.

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