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(21 Posts)
M1FFYI23 Tue 14-May-19 14:34:22

Please dont judge me. I was previously married and my current partner was in a relationship when we met, he also has a little girl with his ex.
I have spent the last 3 years telling my parent that I wasnt bothered about marriage, that if he asked I would say yes because it's what he wants but I truly wasnt fussed.
I've since had our first child and now pregnant with our second and all I keep thinking is I want to marry him. Hes catholic and I know we sinned so we cant get married in a church but I want us to be a proper family. I want to share their name. I want to be his wife. Do I speak to him about it? Do I propose?
I've also never had a proper proposal. Maybe I dont deserve it but my ex husband kept it low key yet he had big plans for an ex. My partner proposed to his ex in Rome.
I dont know. It sounds silly and selfish perhaps. I dont want the big white wedding, something small and beautiful and meaningful for our family.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or facing a similar dilemma?

Please dont hate.

DulcieRay Tue 14-May-19 14:37:55

I don't understand. Why did his ex deserve a big proposal but you don't? Surely you just wanted to be treated on an even footing?

LaurenSarah22 Tue 14-May-19 14:40:29

Firstly I dont think anyone would hate you for this post. Secondly if you would like to get married just try and slip it into conversation but dont make it obvious. If he is keen then yes propose I think it's a lovely idea and if he doesnt you could always change your surname so you all have the same one.

Gummymummy01 Tue 14-May-19 15:07:35

Dont get me wrong DulcieRay I'm sure he would do the big proposal as he is very romantic but selfish me thinks that if I just have a discussion with him itll be the same as my last. I knew what ring i was getting as he sent me pics of it and I'm pretty sure we had already started looking at venues.

I'd love the surprise you know, his mum hinted past year that he was going to ask but weve had the birth of our daughter and Christmas and birthdays since then and not a sniff.

beenwhereyouare Wed 15-May-19 22:41:55

OP, Name Change Fail

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 08:07:29

What exactly do you want OP. Is it to get married or is it for him to do a grand romantic gesture whilst proposing.

If you want to get married then you and he need to discuss this openly and honestly. With 2 children and a step child you both should have this conversation anyway about money and security for the children in the event anything happens to either of you or your relationship falls apart. This outcome of this conversation and research that you both need to do will tell you both whether getting married is a quick and easy way to sort out lots of practical issues for the children. Conversely, as some couples find, getting married creates complications particularly and they decide jointly that it is not for them.

This conversation must happen. If it leads to a conclusion you must marry then you can tell him you would like a romantic surprise

But the bottom line is that you must have the conversation because it is about the security of your children. This comes before your desire to wait for a grand gesture. Whilst this might be disappointing, it is your responsibility as a parent to talk about security and the future. It is his as well.

Gummymummy01 Thu 16-May-19 09:15:06

LemonTT I completely agree. The want and practicalities of getting married outweigh my desire for the big romantic gesture by far. I also fear it'll put pressure on him. I've skirted around it before, he knows what kind of ceremony i would like and I've even mentioned a venue before but he does that typical guy thing where he laughs and says were not getting married and the conversation is over.

I guess I have it in my head that if he proposes randomly its because he wants it but if I start a conversation about it it'll be more because he feels he has to. I dont know

RagingWhoreBag Thu 16-May-19 09:19:35

But the bottom line is that you must have the conversation because it is about the security of your children. This comes before your desire to wait for a grand gesture. Whilst this might be disappointing, it is your responsibility as a parent to talk about security and the future. It is his as well.

I came on to say this too.

Yes. A lovely romantic gesture would be nice, but you’re a bit past that! Especially if you’re not working full time due to having young children, you put yourself in a vulnerable position by having children without being married to this man.

It depends a bit on whether you both have any assets, if you own or rent etc but you do need to understand what marriage means for you in the event one of you dies, or you split up etc rather than just worrying about having the same name, that’s the least of it.

RagingWhoreBag Thu 16-May-19 09:21:18

he does that typical guy thing where he laughs and says were not getting married and the conversation is over

hmmconfused is that the ‘typical guy thing’ or the ‘typical guy who doesn’t actually want to marry you’ thing?

I’d be questioning why you’re good enough to have children with, but he laughs at the idea of marrying you, to be brutally honest.

Teddybear45 Thu 16-May-19 09:23:36

I agree you are a bit late in the day for a romantic gesture either for the proposal or the marriage. With 3 kids between you, your focus should be on marriage and split of assets (to protect the kids) with as least fuss as possible. If this means a registry marriage then do it.

Singlenotsingle Thu 16-May-19 09:30:00

He laughs? "We're not getting married?" That's not very funny! Hmmm...keeping his options open. If you're going to stay with him, make sure you're protected financially - house in joint names, investments, pensions etc.

Gummymummy01 Thu 16-May-19 11:37:51

Firstly I dont appreciate people assuming hes keeping his options open or hes not being nice cause he laughs. He does it in a joking way. I know him very welland I know when hes joking and when hes being serious. Out of the two of us it's always been him that has wanted marriage.

Secondly, fortunately right now we dont really have assets to split so in that sense it's not a vulnerable situation for us not to be. Plenty of couples never get married when they have kids and they do fine.

Thirdly, I will say again, I'm not saying I want to get married for the big romantic gesture. I have been married before and I know what the values etc are and it's also why I have not come to this choice likely, it's also not just about having the same name, but it is an example of how I sometimes can feel like not part of the family. Call in insecurity maybe but it's no reason for anyone to jump on me and assume that's all I want.

I came looking for advice on how to approach it with him and no matter my age or our circumstances, I'm a romantic person as is he and I believe everyone deserves a bit of romance. It's a sad state of affairs if people are only viewing marriage as a convenience rather than it being for love.

I thank you all for not judging for our connection to start with but I do ask that you please be kind.

Hollowvictory Thu 16-May-19 11:41:11

Thays not a typical guy thing. That's someone who is very clearly telling you he doesn't want to marry you. Or that he doesn't want to be married at all.
You don't want to hear that so you're pretending it's a typical guy thing. It's not.

Gummymummy01 Thu 16-May-19 11:50:00

@hollowvictory I am not pretending anything thank you very much and what a horrible and harsh thing to say. He has told alot of his family members that he wants to marry me. I have spent the first 2 and half years saying it's something I didn't want. If someone told you for so long they didn't want it would you put yourself out there for fear of rejection?

Perhaps that's why he hasn't asked?!

Why are people so quick to be mean. I asked for advice not for people to laugh at my situation or try to make me feel like I am not good enough for my partner.

News flash we have 2 children together.

I do wonder why some people come on here to poke fun or be mean, it makes those of us truly seeking helpful advice feel like they shouldn't!

Scott72 Thu 16-May-19 11:50:31

That a man is willing to make the legal commitment of marriage and assume the risks that entails is a huge romantic gesture in of itself. The romantic proposal, the big wedding, all these pale in comparison.

Hollowvictory Thu 16-May-19 11:54:18

Gummy perhaps thats why he hasn't asked. Or perhaps it's not. You won't know unless you communicate like sensible adults. Not 'just joking' , not telling family members, not 'just being a typical guy'. Actually discussing it yourselves.
Why can't you do that? 🤔

Gummymummy01 Thu 16-May-19 12:03:08

@hollowvictory I feel silly. As daft as it sounds after everything the two of us has been through I just feel like its awkward. I spent ages telling this man that it's something I didn't want to do again so I do feel like maybe he hasn't bothered trying (nit that he doesn't love me) how do I then tell him that actually I've changed my mind?

My ex husband and I had a very practical all discussion about it as he was in the army and we married for convenience over anything, I guess that's why I'd like to feel like I deserve the world and yes on a daily basis my partner makes me feel this way but is it too much to ask for to want the gesture? I'm not asking for sky writing or anything crazy but maybe confront of our friends and family or something.

I was asking for help because I guess I'm worried I've spent too long putting him off it that maybe he doesn't want it now? Or he doesn't feel like it's important anymore.

I'm babbling causeei dont want anyone to assume the worst. Weve been judged alot for our relationship so it's hard to hear sometimes

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 13:37:01

There is no other way to sort out the situation other than to talk about it without jokes. You need to be the one who resets the issue of marriage by saying you do want to marry him. And that you want it to be romantic. Otherwise he is just going to assume it is not something you want.

ChristmasFluff Thu 16-May-19 16:23:10

Well if you know him so well and he definitely wants to be married, it's weird you haven't just told him to crack on and get proposing.

Gummymummy01 Thu 16-May-19 16:40:32

@christmasfluff (cool name by the way haha) lol I think I'm just overthinking it, it's something I usually do, I'm going to talk to him tonight I think

Gummymummy01 Fri 17-May-19 09:17:06

UPDATE! I spoke to him last night, why was I so nervous? I just come out and said I want to be his wife one day to which he beamed! Then I went on to tell him that I had thought about it closely and the idea of being his wife excites me and that I didn't want him to continue thinking its something I didn't want. Told him theres no pressure to ask me right away and to only do it if and when he is ready. He told me he got happy butterflies when I said the words so heres hoping! I didn't make it the kids or the convenience as some of you suggested, it was just about us. He hasn't been married before and I'm sure he would appreciate me wanting it for love rather than financial reasons.

Thanks to those who helped. Moral of the story, if your feeling that way then dont be scared! Wnjoy your day everyone smile

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