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Unsure if he's telling the truth

(171 Posts)
PWestgate Sun 12-May-19 16:33:17

I am in what I'd consider to be a happy relationship. We enjoy time together, we get along easily, we enjoy similar thing (not all things but enough), we have similar goals and dreams. We have similar ideas on bringing up children. I can imagine living a pretty happy life together.
Our relationship seems to be easier and happier as time goes on.

My partner is not perfect. I do struggle with some of his "flaws". His flaws mostly come down to his desire to impress. Bragging, arrogance from time to time, embellishment of stories to become more exciting and interesting. In our early days, looking back, he was very eager to please and said some questionable things.

One thing that I am struggle to put aside is one part of his history that I am not sure adds up.

The story goes that he had a very long term relationship with someone, had a child with them and both died. At first I believed it, why wouldn't I and if it's true I will be quite mortified that I doubted it.

He has told many stories of her, not the child, over our time together. None of which I mind as it builds a picture of his youth. I don't doubt she existed.

However, some things have been a little odd for me.
1. He has no trace of either of them, except 1 group photo found during our relationship. He explained this as he removed all whilst grieving
2. Her engagement ring worth a reasonable sum he didn't know where it was or what happened to it. When I asked, within a month or so, her dad emailed out of the blue and he asked about it. She was buried with it.
3. When asking to see their graves, should we have children, it'd be nice to know where their half sibling is. He claims he has forgotten the past few years after visiting at least yearly for many years.
4. I have searched family tree birth and death records, news articles and general google. I haven't found anything.
5. When discussing pregnancy and birth, he seems to not to be knowledgeable considering he had a child.
6. His family have never mentioned anything. It was mentioned twice in front of his mum and his uncle. Both have memory problems but nothing really triggered.

I want to get to the bottom of this if we are to progress our relationship. I don't want to find out years later that it doesn't exist.

Does anyone have any clues? I don't want to get to the point of asking him outright

madamedeluxe Sun 12-May-19 16:36:12

Is there anyone else who would know eg friends?

What’s the story about how they both died?

Unburnished Sun 12-May-19 16:39:17

Well in that case, check the Electoral Roll for his name. Presumably if they lived together, mother and child would be listed. If they didnt live together then use the name to trace through the Register of Births, Marriages and Deaths.

Given what you know about him though, I’d be backing away completely. What happens when he starts —lying— making up stories about you and your children? Will you suddenly die?

Unburnished Sun 12-May-19 16:40:10

Strikethrough fail there.

justthecat Sun 12-May-19 16:42:44

I’d do as much digging as I could to find out the truth and if he’s lying I’d run for the hills

BigRedLondonBus Sun 12-May-19 16:53:11

Is it possible that they didn't actually die and he just doesn't have contact ?

PWestgate Sun 12-May-19 16:55:49

@madamduluxe, we don't have mutual freinds. I am contemplating slipping it in as his friends are very old friends but if I quiz too much I don't want him knowing.

They died in an accident, however I couldn't find anything on google. It was many years ago however and in London so may not have been documented as thoroughly.

@unburnished. I have. I have used family tree sights to search records for both. I cannot find them.

Bluntness100 Sun 12-May-19 16:57:28

How does he say they died? And when?

I think you can search death records.

However surely if this was true some of his friends would know and his family? Are you saying his mother didn't remember she'd had a grandchild?

joystir59 Sun 12-May-19 16:57:39

Why bother digging at all? If your instincts are making you doubt talk to him about your doubts and see what new information he reveals. If he still 'cant remember' I would be distancing myself from him because I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't remember much about a long term relationship which ended with the death of mother and child

Bluntness100 Sun 12-May-19 16:59:24

Sorry cross posted, what do you mean you don't have mutual friends, don't you socialise together?

IncrediblySadToo Sun 12-May-19 16:59:47

I have a really bad memory for places, events, holidays, general happenings. It really makes me sad that I can’t remember as much as most people seem to about my life.

...forgetting where a grave of my husband and child who both died was? Not a chance. That’s really not in any way likely. Your bf is young, not old & senile. I’m not buying him having gotten rid of absolutely every photo and keepsake of her and his child.

I’d give him one opportunity to explain why he lied.

joystir59 Sun 12-May-19 16:59:54

Perhaps they don't exist, perhaps he killed them, perhaps all sorts of things. He isn't convincing and that's enough reason for you to call time.

MsPavlichenko Sun 12-May-19 17:01:19

I am all too aware that we all grieve differently? But not one photo? Toy? It seems almost impossible. And who forgets where their partner/ child is buried?

Red flags.

PWestgate Sun 12-May-19 17:01:20

It is quite possible

However this is the scenario of another past relationship, which he told me about.

Maybe something bad happened, not sinister but maybe something he doesn't want to talk about

However if we progress our relationship and get married. I would like to know

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 12-May-19 17:01:52

I wouldn't "slip in it" with any of his old friends I would ask them directly

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 12-May-19 17:02:50

I would bring it up in front of one friend of his, just drop it into the convo some how.

Bluntness100 Sun 12-May-19 17:03:11

How old is he op? How old did he say the child was when they died?

QueenOfTheCroneAge Sun 12-May-19 17:03:12

He sounds very odd OP. No way would someone erase photos of their dead child, or forget where they were buried.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 12-May-19 17:04:10

On second thoughts he's definitely lying. Like a PP said, no-one forgets where their dead child is buried

MsPavlichenko Sun 12-May-19 17:04:18

And even if he "can't remember" would be bizarre if the grandparents had forgotten too.

madamedeluxe Sun 12-May-19 17:05:22

Well his old friends would know then. Yes bring it up openly.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 12-May-19 17:06:08

OP you searched the death records and nothing. He claims to have forgotten where they’re buried hmm His partner. His child - and he’s forgotten?

And you know he lies and embellishes, you know the sudden email about the engagement ring was phony.

I don’t know how you can think about marrying him. This isn’t a little thing.

Ask him outright and ask for proof. There’s no other way. And judge from there.

RuffleCrow Sun 12-May-19 17:06:50

If you have to ask this relationship is a non-starter. He's obviously lying about some part of this important episode and that in itself is a huge red flag.

If you get the feeling you can't trust him about something so massive then put down the Sherlock Holmes pipe and get out of there. You deserve to be with someone you can trust with your life. Literally, given rates of male violence.

Bluntness100 Sun 12-May-19 17:06:55

Yes he's telling you he can't remember where his dead child is buried. No one forgets that unless they are incredibly ill.

But what a god awful thing to make up. A dead child.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 12-May-19 17:09:02

Also what about how he seems? The level of trauma and agony that would have put him through would have changed him forever, it would reverberate off him, the tragedy and pain of that. But the amiable, bullshitty, easy going guy you describe sounds nothing like someone who has experienced that.

I had a teacher whose wife and child had died in a car accident. The fact that he was not ok and was working fucking hard to manage his days was intuitively obvious even to self-absorbed teens.

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