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Can I leave 'just because'?

(32 Posts)
Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:15:32

Just because I don't want this relationship any more?

I have a small baby with my 'D'P, we've been together a good few years though the earlier years were really tough and there were a lot of issues in our relationship. The last 12 month's though have really improved, we don't argue, were financially comfortable together. Life is good if I'm honest.

But I don't want to be with him any more. There's too much water under the bridge from previous problems and I resent him. He has a daughter from a previous relationship as well, step parenting isn't for me. I hate the fact he had a first wife, I hate the fact he speaks to her daily. It's not him it's me, I know.

If I'm honest though I don't even think I can give one good reason to end the relationship, just loads of petty little ones. But I think I've just had enough now.
Can I just leave with a little baby? How do I even go about putting life back together after ?
I just can't get my head around how I feel at the moment other than I don't want this anymore even though I know leaving will make everyone's life so much more difficult.
What is wrong with me ?

category12 Thu 16-May-19 21:05:29

Your savings are safe, he has no legal claim on them.

Longestlurkerintheworld Thu 16-May-19 20:59:22

I was under the impression that as we arnt married and there are no joint accounts it is pretty much what's mine is mine and what's his is his basically ? I am prepared to be corrected though.

I have a small amount of savings (hundreds rather than thousands) and I am hoping that this will secure a deposit on somewhere new to rent. I am going to hold off the chat until I have at least 2 months rent sorted as well as I'm hoping that will be enough until my universal credit is changed. I don't have a particularly lavish lifestyle and live in a fairly low cost area.
I have a credit card that is completely paid off now so I do have that as a back up I guess.
Family are pretty helpful with childcare, but since i have been with him I have slowly lost contact with a lot of friends so have little by way of support there.
I think that is my plan which sort of covers the basics unless I have missed any thing?

I already know he will argue over finances and childcare. He's like that. It could be so easy and amicable, I have no wish to stop him seeing our child but he'll make it difficult which is a shame.

DMN2019 Thu 16-May-19 14:32:48

Make a plan about the practical things like finance and accomodation. Then think about a support system you could rely on. Do you have any family or friends you think could help? You sound like you've made up your mind but with a young child scared of how you will manage.

I wouldn't worry about big conversations with him as it sounds like you've been through a lot and have made a decision keeping the best in mind for yourself and your child. Use your energy to think about a plan and life without him. Once you have organised yourself, you can make him aware of your decision, discuss access to your child and walk out gracefully.

If a part of you still wants to be with him, by all means, have conversations and try and work things out. If you know you don't, then this is about you so put yourself and your child first and he can be informed once you're ready.

Hope things work out for you regardless of what you decide x

EKGEMS Thu 16-May-19 14:00:48

It's too damn bad he has no savings you aren't married he has no legal claim to anything of yours! BTW you can end a relationship whenever due to whatever you please

Happynow001 Thu 16-May-19 10:26:14

* I have a small amount of savings, he doesn't so I know he will inevitably argue half of those are his.*
If you are unmarried he can argue but those funds are yours - unless someone knows better?

Where would you live once you split? Do you have parents who could put you up for a while? I'd quietly put some contingency plans in place ahead of your conversation.

pashola Thu 16-May-19 07:30:32

I can't quite work out what is wrong, when things were awful between us I loved him so much and I desperately made things work, going above and beyond to fix everything. Now it's fixed I just resent him and dislike him ?

I just wanted to say that this part really resonated with me as I feel exactly the same within my marriage.
I feel like I tried so hard for so long and now that he is actually making an effort to try himself the resentment from the past is too much to ignore.
We're about to have a trial separation.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Longestlurkerintheworld Thu 16-May-19 07:18:59

Not married, house is rented and his name only on tenancy, no joint accounts. I have a small amount of savings, he doesn't so I know he will inevitably argue half of those are his.
I would ideally like to have a pretty amicable split, go our separate ways and only contact each other to discuss child related stuff but don't think that'll happen.
He'll argue about money, car, childcare etc.
Technically there isn't really anything to split, what's mine is mine and what's his is his but he won't see it like that

Happynow001 Wed 15-May-19 16:46:18

I think before you have the chat perhaps it might be a good idea to get straight in your head exactly what you need to say to him, how you can react to any pushback from him and, very importantly, what your financial situation will be if/when you split.

I see he's your DP rather than DH so I'm assuming no legal divorce to go through. But what is the situation with your home - is it jointly owned and you have equity? Is your name on the mortgage/deeds? Do you have savings in common? Do you work outside the home? What childcare could you put in place after the split? What is your network outside this relationship? Where would you live after the separation? What benefits, apart from child maintenance would you be entitled to? Check entitledto.co.uk for more information.

Sorry to be firing questions but I think it's as well to have your preparation before you have the big conversation with him so you are well placed if the conversation doesn't go as planned. Or even for your own comfort - knowing what the immediate future might be like.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Longestlurkerintheworld Wed 15-May-19 15:25:24

It's tough.. If I'm honest I'm still plucking up the courage to have ' the chat' with him. I've sort of mentioned it before and everytim I say I'm not so happy anymore he just points out we have a nice car and a nice house and I should be happy. I need to put some brave pants on and just get it over with.

chestylarue52 Wed 15-May-19 14:15:58

How are you doing op?

Longestlurkerintheworld Sun 12-May-19 21:45:07

Ok I think that's pretty much what i needed to hear to start getting myself together and make plans to leave.

Hecateh that is pretty much spot on, what I thought I was working towards in our relationship is really not what I have finished up with. I though once all the problems were fixed and the stress was gone everything would be perfect but he really is a stroppy, miserable and insecure teenager. He says no to everything, complains about everything and just saps the happiness out of days out. He doesn't talk to me, plays on his phone through most family outings and is just generally boring to be honest.

No he doesn't have a great deal of respect, for me or himself I guess. Shoes on the sofa, clothes on in bed, not showering frequently enough and his personal hygiene in general is poor. He's obsessed with tidiness but he couldn't care less how clean the house is. He doesn't even look up from his phone when speaking to me these days..

billy1966 Sun 12-May-19 21:08:07

Lots of reasons to leave OP.
You have been very patient for a long time.
Get organised, and get out.
Life is too short to waste when you know it's over.
Good luck.

Treesthemovie Sun 12-May-19 20:44:50

The things you have listed are more than enough reason to leave him. In any case, you're free to leave for whatever reason you decide, you have no obligation to stay with anyone.

Hecateh Sun 12-May-19 19:34:03

I split from my H when we had been married 8 years. I had know for 4 years that it was a case of 'when' not 'if'.

Lots of people said I was wrong. This was back in the mid 80's and single parenting was very much less common then than now.

I genuinely felt cruel to start with, even though he was seeing someone else as I had pushed him away. He was a 'good' father and husband.

I still felt for a long time after we split that it was all my fault, although I never regretted it as I was happier. It's only as I have got older I have realised he wasn't actually a good dad or husband. He used to put me down all the time. my opinion was always wrong unless I agreed with him.
He could be good company when others were around and always did loads with the kids when there was anyone watching - but not when we were home alone.

There is a reason you are not happy now. You worked at it before when things were bad and it felt like you had no control over the situation.

Things have settled down and you have realised what you worked for is not what you have got.

Shoes on the sofa is a sign of lack of respect for you and your home and I am guessing that isn't the only sign that he doesn't respect you or your home.

Life won't be easy on your own but it is doable and it is your choice. When my husband left I felt like a teenage child had left home. An entitled, selfish, jealous and insecure child.

It sounds like when if you separate you will be free of 2 of those

Tigger001 Sun 12-May-19 18:50:36

Of course you can leave just because you are unhappy, as a PP has said, he might be feeling exactly the same and it would be best for both of you.

Even if it's not the case for him, you don't have to live a lie, I know I wouldn't be able to share a bed with a man I didn't love. I also understand how difficult it must be to contemplate splitting the family unit up, it is such a difficult one but for me I'm afraid I just couldn't keep up the lie and would have to tell him how I feel.

Maybe try counselling and if that doesn't work, try for the most amicable separation possible.

Good luck 💐💐

category12 Sun 12-May-19 18:40:11

It's not ridiculous to leave because you don't love him any more (and the stuff from the past is probably largely responsible for killing how you felt for him).

chestylarue52 Sun 12-May-19 17:56:55

I think it's enough to end a relationship because you're unhappy.

If you're worried about the omg what happened questions from friends and family you're entitled to say 'I was deeply unhappy so I ended the relationship'.

Mate. Life is really, really short. Being happy and being kind are really all that there is.

olivetreelane Sun 12-May-19 12:53:08

I totally understand your reasons for the resentment and disliking him now you have been put through the things you listed. I would also not be happy with the talking to the ex wife daily; how old is their daughter?

Longestlurkerintheworld Sun 12-May-19 12:40:14

Yes! If he came home from work one day and told me he was having an affair I think I'd be more relieved than upset if I'm honest.
He mostly behaves himself now though and it sounds a bit ridiculous to end the relationship because he has his shoes on the sofa again or because his daughter chews everything with her mouth open hmm

chestylarue52 Sun 12-May-19 10:58:38

Do you find yourself wishing he would do something awful so you have a 'real reason' to leave.

pog100 Sat 11-May-19 23:24:50

Those aren't petty reasons they are all serious reasons that agent signs of anything like a healthy relationship. He seems to have done little to actually own what he has done, at most just stopped some of it.
Just leave isn't going to magically become happy and you know it. You also know that your daughter shouldn't be brought up in an unhappy family.

bluebeck Sat 11-May-19 23:00:33

Of course you can leave because you are unhappy.

Your child will still have two parents. Hopefully two happy parents.

Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:53:52

I've vaguely mentioned I'm not sure I'm ok with our relationship any more, he just points out all the good things, mainly money and materialistic things though, nice house and nice shiny new car etc.

I would hate to find a new partner who feels the same way about my DD as how I feel about my SD, which makes me feel even worse

Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:51:22

I'll explain best I can with out being too outing about past problems...
Addiction causing quite serious financial problems, though this hasn't been an issue for around 2 years now. They were pretty awful times.
Suspected infidelity I cannot prove and he will not discuss.
Messaging other women, nothing particularly bad as such, but also making out he is single, again this hasn't happened for over 2 years now roughly.

Why would he speak to his ex wife every day ? Your guess is as good as mine really.
In hind sight I think he was still very much in love with her when we first got together, despite being separated for over 4 years I think and she has never once given any indication that she still loved him.

Kate, that is really the only thing stopping me I want our baby to have us both around, plus it's practical and easy. No barriers would I still be here? No, I'd have left before our daughter was born, possibly before I even got pregnant if I'm honest.

I can't quite work out what is wrong, when things were awful between us I loved him so much and I desperately made things work, going above and beyond to fix everything. Now it's fixed I just resent him and dislike him ? confused

WineLife Sat 11-May-19 22:47:55

Kate I really sympathise with you, I remember that feeling so well and the day we told dc we were separating was horrendous. But, two years later the dc are flourishing, I’m happy ex DH is happy. There is so much more to life than having two parents together, I’m not saying what you should or shouldn’t do because to each their own but sometimes the right thing is the really big scary hard thing and it truly is worth it.

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