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Can I leave 'just because'?

(32 Posts)
Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:15:32

Just because I don't want this relationship any more?

I have a small baby with my 'D'P, we've been together a good few years though the earlier years were really tough and there were a lot of issues in our relationship. The last 12 month's though have really improved, we don't argue, were financially comfortable together. Life is good if I'm honest.

But I don't want to be with him any more. There's too much water under the bridge from previous problems and I resent him. He has a daughter from a previous relationship as well, step parenting isn't for me. I hate the fact he had a first wife, I hate the fact he speaks to her daily. It's not him it's me, I know.

If I'm honest though I don't even think I can give one good reason to end the relationship, just loads of petty little ones. But I think I've just had enough now.
Can I just leave with a little baby? How do I even go about putting life back together after ?
I just can't get my head around how I feel at the moment other than I don't want this anymore even though I know leaving will make everyone's life so much more difficult.
What is wrong with me ?

Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:32:31

Shamelessly bumping blush

Kate1556 Sat 11-May-19 22:37:50

I absolutely understand how you are feeling op. I’m in a similar situation. Even though you knew all these things about him the impact doesn’t become apparent when you are young.
In my case I’m holding on as long as I can for my daughter to have both parents.
I know this is no help but didn’t want to leave you unanswered x

WineLife Sat 11-May-19 22:39:51

Yes of course you can! Have you considered counselling? I found it really useful to talk through how I was feeling and it gave me the strength to leave and the tools to deal with the new situation.

I really relate to the resentments from past problems and I personally don’t think you can come back from that. If you stay longer those resentments will just fester. Life is short and you’ve already admitted how you feel to yourself. It won’t be easy but one of the first thing my counsellor asked me was ‘if your life could be anything, no barriers or excuses, what would it be’ and I knew the answer was living on my own with dc. Maybe it’s worth considering what your answer would be?

The next step is to consider what’s stopping you and how you can tackle those barriers.

Jon65 Sat 11-May-19 22:40:49

Leave and have the life you want. Why would your partner need to speak to his ex wife every day?

oofadoofa Sat 11-May-19 22:41:39

What were the issue from earlier on in the relationship?

Singlenotsingle Sat 11-May-19 22:45:20

Have you discussed it with him? He might not be happy either and wanting to leave...

And if you meet another man in the future, he might not want to be a step parent either. The grass isn't always greener, OP.

WineLife Sat 11-May-19 22:47:55

Kate I really sympathise with you, I remember that feeling so well and the day we told dc we were separating was horrendous. But, two years later the dc are flourishing, I’m happy ex DH is happy. There is so much more to life than having two parents together, I’m not saying what you should or shouldn’t do because to each their own but sometimes the right thing is the really big scary hard thing and it truly is worth it.

Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:51:22

I'll explain best I can with out being too outing about past problems...
Addiction causing quite serious financial problems, though this hasn't been an issue for around 2 years now. They were pretty awful times.
Suspected infidelity I cannot prove and he will not discuss.
Messaging other women, nothing particularly bad as such, but also making out he is single, again this hasn't happened for over 2 years now roughly.

Why would he speak to his ex wife every day ? Your guess is as good as mine really.
In hind sight I think he was still very much in love with her when we first got together, despite being separated for over 4 years I think and she has never once given any indication that she still loved him.

Kate, that is really the only thing stopping me I want our baby to have us both around, plus it's practical and easy. No barriers would I still be here? No, I'd have left before our daughter was born, possibly before I even got pregnant if I'm honest.

I can't quite work out what is wrong, when things were awful between us I loved him so much and I desperately made things work, going above and beyond to fix everything. Now it's fixed I just resent him and dislike him ? confused

Longestlurkerintheworld Sat 11-May-19 22:53:52

I've vaguely mentioned I'm not sure I'm ok with our relationship any more, he just points out all the good things, mainly money and materialistic things though, nice house and nice shiny new car etc.

I would hate to find a new partner who feels the same way about my DD as how I feel about my SD, which makes me feel even worse

bluebeck Sat 11-May-19 23:00:33

Of course you can leave because you are unhappy.

Your child will still have two parents. Hopefully two happy parents.

pog100 Sat 11-May-19 23:24:50

Those aren't petty reasons they are all serious reasons that agent signs of anything like a healthy relationship. He seems to have done little to actually own what he has done, at most just stopped some of it.
Just leave isn't going to magically become happy and you know it. You also know that your daughter shouldn't be brought up in an unhappy family.

chestylarue52 Sun 12-May-19 10:58:38

Do you find yourself wishing he would do something awful so you have a 'real reason' to leave.

Longestlurkerintheworld Sun 12-May-19 12:40:14

Yes! If he came home from work one day and told me he was having an affair I think I'd be more relieved than upset if I'm honest.
He mostly behaves himself now though and it sounds a bit ridiculous to end the relationship because he has his shoes on the sofa again or because his daughter chews everything with her mouth open hmm

olivetreelane Sun 12-May-19 12:53:08

I totally understand your reasons for the resentment and disliking him now you have been put through the things you listed. I would also not be happy with the talking to the ex wife daily; how old is their daughter?

chestylarue52 Sun 12-May-19 17:56:55

I think it's enough to end a relationship because you're unhappy.

If you're worried about the omg what happened questions from friends and family you're entitled to say 'I was deeply unhappy so I ended the relationship'.

Mate. Life is really, really short. Being happy and being kind are really all that there is.

category12 Sun 12-May-19 18:40:11

It's not ridiculous to leave because you don't love him any more (and the stuff from the past is probably largely responsible for killing how you felt for him).

Tigger001 Sun 12-May-19 18:50:36

Of course you can leave just because you are unhappy, as a PP has said, he might be feeling exactly the same and it would be best for both of you.

Even if it's not the case for him, you don't have to live a lie, I know I wouldn't be able to share a bed with a man I didn't love. I also understand how difficult it must be to contemplate splitting the family unit up, it is such a difficult one but for me I'm afraid I just couldn't keep up the lie and would have to tell him how I feel.

Maybe try counselling and if that doesn't work, try for the most amicable separation possible.

Good luck 💐💐

Hecateh Sun 12-May-19 19:34:03

I split from my H when we had been married 8 years. I had know for 4 years that it was a case of 'when' not 'if'.

Lots of people said I was wrong. This was back in the mid 80's and single parenting was very much less common then than now.

I genuinely felt cruel to start with, even though he was seeing someone else as I had pushed him away. He was a 'good' father and husband.

I still felt for a long time after we split that it was all my fault, although I never regretted it as I was happier. It's only as I have got older I have realised he wasn't actually a good dad or husband. He used to put me down all the time. my opinion was always wrong unless I agreed with him.
He could be good company when others were around and always did loads with the kids when there was anyone watching - but not when we were home alone.

There is a reason you are not happy now. You worked at it before when things were bad and it felt like you had no control over the situation.

Things have settled down and you have realised what you worked for is not what you have got.

Shoes on the sofa is a sign of lack of respect for you and your home and I am guessing that isn't the only sign that he doesn't respect you or your home.

Life won't be easy on your own but it is doable and it is your choice. When my husband left I felt like a teenage child had left home. An entitled, selfish, jealous and insecure child.

It sounds like when if you separate you will be free of 2 of those

Treesthemovie Sun 12-May-19 20:44:50

The things you have listed are more than enough reason to leave him. In any case, you're free to leave for whatever reason you decide, you have no obligation to stay with anyone.

billy1966 Sun 12-May-19 21:08:07

Lots of reasons to leave OP.
You have been very patient for a long time.
Get organised, and get out.
Life is too short to waste when you know it's over.
Good luck.

Longestlurkerintheworld Sun 12-May-19 21:45:07

Ok I think that's pretty much what i needed to hear to start getting myself together and make plans to leave.

Hecateh that is pretty much spot on, what I thought I was working towards in our relationship is really not what I have finished up with. I though once all the problems were fixed and the stress was gone everything would be perfect but he really is a stroppy, miserable and insecure teenager. He says no to everything, complains about everything and just saps the happiness out of days out. He doesn't talk to me, plays on his phone through most family outings and is just generally boring to be honest.

No he doesn't have a great deal of respect, for me or himself I guess. Shoes on the sofa, clothes on in bed, not showering frequently enough and his personal hygiene in general is poor. He's obsessed with tidiness but he couldn't care less how clean the house is. He doesn't even look up from his phone when speaking to me these days..

chestylarue52 Wed 15-May-19 14:15:58

How are you doing op?

Longestlurkerintheworld Wed 15-May-19 15:25:24

It's tough.. If I'm honest I'm still plucking up the courage to have ' the chat' with him. I've sort of mentioned it before and everytim I say I'm not so happy anymore he just points out we have a nice car and a nice house and I should be happy. I need to put some brave pants on and just get it over with.

Happynow001 Wed 15-May-19 16:46:18

I think before you have the chat perhaps it might be a good idea to get straight in your head exactly what you need to say to him, how you can react to any pushback from him and, very importantly, what your financial situation will be if/when you split.

I see he's your DP rather than DH so I'm assuming no legal divorce to go through. But what is the situation with your home - is it jointly owned and you have equity? Is your name on the mortgage/deeds? Do you have savings in common? Do you work outside the home? What childcare could you put in place after the split? What is your network outside this relationship? Where would you live after the separation? What benefits, apart from child maintenance would you be entitled to? Check entitledto.co.uk for more information.

Sorry to be firing questions but I think it's as well to have your preparation before you have the big conversation with him so you are well placed if the conversation doesn't go as planned. Or even for your own comfort - knowing what the immediate future might be like.

Good luck OP. 🌹

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