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Husband's affair

(334 Posts)
Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:26:44

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

justilou1 Sun 30-Jun-19 02:06:03

Or hire a hitman and see if you can get a BOGOF

Weenurse Sat 29-Jun-19 23:41:48

Pick a date in 12 months time and plan something special for yourself. A cruise, a holiday, high tea at a posh hotel with friends.
It won’t help now but at least you have built in a break for yourself.
Good luck 💐

justilou1 Sat 29-Jun-19 09:16:45

It did!!! The man you love (who is supposed to love you) and your friends are supposed to be supporting you, not shagging behind your back - or in your bed while you’re in hospital... their behaviour was unconscionable!

Norabloom Sat 29-Jun-19 08:12:45

@weenurse I just see an amorphous blank I'm afraid. I'm sure I'll be OK, but I can't imagine what I will be doing. I feel like my brain has been numbed. I would never have thought I would react like this but I think the cancer made me fearful and so the betrayal feels worse somehow.

Weenurse Sat 29-Jun-19 04:14:29

3 years time or even 1 year, how do you see things?

justilou1 Fri 28-Jun-19 23:26:29

He is definitely not a nice man!!!

Norabloom Fri 28-Jun-19 21:28:12

My sons are adults @justilou1. I’m not going to tell them until I decide what I’m actually doing. Horrible though isn’t it - the cancer thing and the friend thing and them using my house thing? Hard to forgive and impossible to forget.
@forfeckssake thanks for reassuring me that the passage of time really helps. I’m getting sick of sitting fretting and crying. My therapist keeps urging me to just think of what I want to do but I really have no clue at the moment.

justilou1 Wed 26-Jun-19 11:52:34

Oh wow! I have just read this whole thing and am simmering with rage on your behalf! Neither DH or OW are decent humans, and neither are facing up to what they have done. How old are your sons? Could you bear telling them? Your husband is extraordinarily adept at gaslighting you, OP. He cheated when you were most vulnerable and has chosen to blame your previous cheating rather than look at himself. You would have worked through all of this before moving on into your marriage. He doesn’t want his behaviour to become public because it is shameful. There is no way around this. Lawyer up.

Theoscargoesto Wed 26-Jun-19 11:23:36

@Ferfeckssake much more prosaic, sorry to disappoint!!

HermioneMakepeace Wed 26-Jun-19 04:32:50

I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own.

In your shoes, I would love to be on my own. It could be the making of you. You are only 60. You can travel. You can take up hobbies. Every time I have taken up a hobby or done a course, I have met nice, interesting people. And the occasional nice guy who, if I were single, I may well have pursued.

Your life's not over, babe - it's just beginning.

Ferfeckssake Wed 26-Jun-19 04:17:56

* @Norabloom* Yes ,I do have RL support. I actually discussed it today with a visiting friend . For the first time , I was able to talk about it almost dispassionately. Such a cliche but time does truly change things.
And I am once again facing another youngish death of a friend in her 50s. Truly puts things in perspective.
This may prove to be the end of my marriage. But as theoscargoesto said I do actually think I will be OK.

On a completely different note , I read theoscargoesto as "Theos cargoes to".!
Very Joycean.smile

Theoscargoesto Tue 25-Jun-19 11:08:47

@Norabloom: that is entirely normal, I think. Just tuck away that you have so far survived 100% of your worst days. At some point that balance of bad and good changes. Remember you got through the last one, and that helps give confidence that you will get through the next.
Yes I do understand, it feels like making any decision in the midst of so much turmoil isn't sensible. That is how therapy can be helpful I think, to explore genuine wants and reasons for them and recognise that some of what holds any of us back is fear of the unknown.
I empathise, I really do, with the awful time. Friends are good, I found the Samaritans helpful too-a non-judgmental ear at 3 a.m. can be a blessing. You are welcome to PM me if you'd like.

Norabloom Tue 25-Jun-19 10:48:07

@Theoscargoesto and @TheStuffedPenguin thank you for your posts. I am encouraged by thinking it will be alright in the end but I seem to be having more bad days than good ones at the moment. I feel a bit calmer and then it all comes flooding back and I’m in total despair again. I wish I had the courage to just tell DH it’s all over and I’m off but I just don’t feel calm enough to do that with the proper heart if you know what I mean. It feels dangerous to make such a huge decision in the state I’m in. But equally this horrible limbo also feels like it’s destroying me. It really is an awful time of my life. At least some people in RL know now which is better not least OW and her DH - which makes me feel better.

Theoscargoesto Mon 24-Jun-19 15:08:22

@Norabloom and @Ferfeckssake: there is hope and it hasn't taken all the 5 years!! That said, some things still blind-side me. I think, and you touched on it Nora, that the fact there is so much shared history makes it harder to accept this has happened now (why now, for goodness sake, when the kids are older and more independent, we have more freedom to do the things we said we'd do?) and for me, that there was so much history meant the marriage was worth saving. 2 things: my H felt differently. And second, perhaps more importantly, that history for me means what they owe you is truth and dignity (even in the exit if that's what eventually happens). YOu are and I was worth more than lies, deceit and dissembling. WOuld I have my H back: not a chance. Do I wish this hadn't happened and we were in a marriage we both knew, satisfactory or otherwise, well, there I am a bit more ambivalent. But again, I wasn't given the chance to see if what was wrong was repairable, and you may both have that opportunity. Dare I say I suspect that might be a double edged sword?

Nora, even if there's money, get advice now, and get proof of that now. I'm not saying your H won't behave wonderfully and generously if it comes to it, but I am saying, don't take that chance.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent Mon 24-Jun-19 14:26:16

Although the more people that know the more there’s no going back of course.
That's not true - decent friends will still support you if you decide to stay.

TheStuffedPenguin Mon 24-Jun-19 13:22:02

Like you I think it makes a big difference if this happens to you when you are older. It’s a terrible shock - I would never have thought my DH would even dream of doing this at age 60 and we seemed to be having such a nice life. Although I now realise it was just me having a nice life and he was unhappy. Anyway he’s undermined it all and I just don’t know what was true or false any more. I have to get over that.

There's a few different ways of looking at this . He hasn't undermined ALL of your marriage as he wasn't always like this . He has just changed ( become a knob) as some people do .

Also it is a long marriage so you will be entitled to at least 50% of your assets . This is important too . The future you thought you were going to have is no longer that one and that does take time to get used to . Fear is a common feeling at times like this . What will become of me ? etc

I also get the thing about the "friend" thing as it happened to me too . You wonder how people who know you can do that to you .

Time is a healer but I won't lie it takes a long time. I've been through what you are experiencing and my Ex H did me a huge favour . I am now with a man who worships the ground I walk on . My life at this age has started a whole new chapter and I enjoy every single minute of it as opposed to my marriage . You are at the start of a difficult journey but do not let yourself be hampered by this weak man any longer . Good luck !

Norabloom Mon 24-Jun-19 10:17:32

@forfeckssake yes thank you I have some RL support now. I am seeing a therapist and I have confided in my 3 closest friends. It was a massive relief to be able to tell them. Although the more people that know the more there’s no going back of course.
The therapist is helping with the anger.
Like you I think it makes a big difference if this happens to you when you are older. It’s a terrible shock - I would never have thought my DH would even dream of doing this at age 60 and we seemed to be having such a nice life. Although I now realise it was just me having a nice life and he was unhappy. Anyway he’s undermined it all and I just don’t know what was true or false any more. I have to get over that.
But at this age I have so much invested in my marriage and all my family relationships. It makes leaving hard.
Do you have RL support *@forfeckssake*? I hope you do.

Ferfeckssake Sun 23-Jun-19 22:42:54

theocargogoesto Yes thanks for that post. Think it is very different for women if they are older and in a long term marriage. Glad to hear you are OK , it is good to know that there is light at the end.Although 5 years ! Seems so long.
* @Norabloom* .How are things .Are you getting any RL support? You haven't mentioned anyone who have been able to confide in.

Norabloom Sun 23-Jun-19 19:17:08

@theocargogoesto thank you for your post. I am tremendous comforted to think I’ll be ok whatever happens. I don’t know what I want right now. It’s all too raw and horrible. But I’m sure that one day I will know and then I will know what to do.
I’m fortunate in that there’s a lot of money (although most of its his at the moment). I just feel awful about all the years and he things we have shared.

Theoscargoesto Sun 23-Jun-19 15:29:45

Sorry, when I say you and everyone else in the situation, I DON''T mean your specific situation (ie your H, the OW, her H) I mean everyone else who sadly finds themselves in a position where they discover their partner's infidelity!

Theoscargoesto Sun 23-Jun-19 15:27:39

Hi Nora. THis might be long!! I am 5 years the other side of my 'D'H's affair. Unlike your H, mine chose to leave, and I wasn't given the choices you have now. I'm not sure that was easier or harder, but it does make our situations different.

I still mourn the life I thought I had, and the one that, at this stage of my life, I thought I'd be having (we were married 28 years, together 32, planning retirement etc). It's really normal, I think, to feel bamboozled, and confused, and doubtful about what you now want. Personally, when I thought my H might go, I started some therapy to try and discover what I wanted, so even if he did decide to stay, did I want the marriage to continue, and how did I want it to change (because we were both unhappy)? I didn't get the chance to choose, but the therapy helped me come to terms, a bit, with what happened. I also got legal advice so I had some clue about finances, and my position post-divorce-my aim was to make it less frightening by knowing some facts, rather than relying on my fears.

I just really wanted to say, I know you, and anyone else in the situation, are scared about the future, and it feels right now as if wanting your marriage to continue is the best option. But if that doesn't happen, through your or someone else's choice, you WILL be ok. It won't be the same, for sure, and your life will be different. SOme of that difference will be good, some will be bad, and sometimes, good or bad, it's painful to compare the old and the new. But it will be ok, you will be ok. I wouldn't have chosen for my marriage to break up, but I can see now that if we were both to be happy, BOTH of us had to change. And my H was not a changing sort of person. I try to be careful to miss the reality of what I had, and not the dream of what I thought I had, if that makes sense.

Your original question was, is it possible to get over this. And I htink it is, but you have been betrayed in the most horrid way by both your H and by the OW and that will take time to assimilate. And to get over it, you BOTH have to want to, and your H has to accept that you might want lots of information, and you expect him to be truthful from now on. One of my underlying concerns was, how would I know he was truthful going forward? COuld I ever trust in the same way I had, knowing what I now know? Reading your posts, your H seems not to be contrite, or to have accepted his part in the trashing of your relationship and that, to me, would be an issue. But I am not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, just to suggest that you take time to work out what YOU want, what you expect from him from now on, and to say, you will be ok, you will learn to accommodate what's happened. I genuinely hope this helps.

notapizzaeater Sun 23-Jun-19 13:38:23

Your DH could have told her and she might have been able to intercept the email. I have my DH log ons (and he mine) though we don't use them.

What do you actually want ? Do you want him back ? I personally couldn't forgive this, when you where at your lowest he chose to shag her!

NotMyFinestMoment Sun 23-Jun-19 13:26:21

It is quite possible that she is accessing his emails/social media and deleted it when it came through. I had a male friend who had an extremely obsessive and unhinged girlfriend who grew jealous of our friendship and other females he was friends with. He contacted me via his email to discuss how unhappy he was and I advised him to leave her, if the situation continued. Well low and behold, she wrote to me via his email account to abuse me and call me every name under the sun. I tried to contact him by phone and text and could not get through (she hid the phone and let him think he had lost it). The point I am trying to make is it's not difficult to intercept another person's communication via email or social media. You only need to log in to their accounts and change the password and then periodically log in to access and delete any messages you don't like the look of.

NotMyFinestMoment Sun 23-Jun-19 13:15:39

I think that you telling your husband that you were going to tell her was a huge mistake (forewarned is forearmed, etc.) and the reason he asked for 24 hours notice was so that he could warn her and give her a heads up. It's quite possible that her husband is in blissful ignorance because he doesn't actually know and that's why he's posting pics of their holiday on social media. You need to play your cards close to your chest. I would write to him with proof so she can't talk her way out of it (get a recording of your husband discussing the affair/screen shots of any texts or emails he has sent her/tell the husband if he needs further details you will be happy to supply them - make it absolutely concrete in the husband's mind that this actually happened ) and send it to him at his home, his work and via social media. Then rinse and repeat a month later to make absolutely sure that he received it. I would also tell hers and yours mutual friends. Then sit back and enjoy the fallout. Take yourself off on holiday and forget about it.

TheStuffedPenguin Sun 23-Jun-19 12:37:04

Read your posts back and count how many times you use the word HE

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