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Husband's affair

(334 Posts)
Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:26:44

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

springydaff Sat 18-May-19 18:03:27

As you say, he's gone a bit bonkers. It's an insult.

But don't put him off - as a bc survivor myself I wouldn't stand on the way of a guilt donation. Make him triple it.

IronManisnotDead Sat 18-May-19 19:20:37

Oh what a mess, you have had an awful time@Norabloom and for that reason you need to put your health and happiness first.

You both clearly are unhappy, you both of had affairs. You more than anyone will know life is too short to be playing silly games. Move on and life your best life leaving your emotional baggage behind, whats done is done. thanks

beanaseireann Sat 18-May-19 19:33:04

thanksKeep strong NoraBloom
What a horrible pair.
Your husband to have an affair while you were going through treatment for cancer and to then blame you.
The other woman- a former friend shock
Having sex in your bed with your husband while you were undergoing treatment for cancer.
The awfulness of some people.

Norabloom Sun 19-May-19 00:57:12

I’m really struggling to contain my anger.

beeyourself Sun 19-May-19 01:29:17

Can you get some space away from him? Couple of nights away or something?

notsodimwit Sun 19-May-19 02:02:28

No advice just a handhold xflowers

Whoops75 Sun 19-May-19 03:45:51

The other woman won’t want him, he knows this, you’re not his first choice,he’s just afraid of being alone.
Don’t stay with him because of time served in the marriage, you deserve more.

Take care

Redred2429 Sun 19-May-19 04:53:34

Just wanted to leave a hand hold 🌷

EllenOlenska Sun 19-May-19 12:24:39

Going from your post on the 14th about his opinion on your cancer.
Ask him if he intends to donate money to those with a little or just those with a lot of cancer?

mollysshadow Sun 19-May-19 12:36:26

Don't contain your anger. Get mad as hell. And tell her dh, in fact tell everyone

springydaff Mon 20-May-19 00:15:19

Well, sometimes the rage can be so intense you have to channel it otherwise it burns you a bit...

Wacking a baseball bat on the bed is a good one imagine you're wacking his and her heads in while letting whatever appropriate words come out of your mouth at varying volumes. Phew, so cathartic. I did it on a therapy course once on the Isle of Wight lol.

Norabloom Mon 20-May-19 06:11:50

Thanks Springy. I find the rage comes upon me with no warning. I appear to be quite calm and then have fleeting thought like 'did she drink out of my big wine glasses' or she must have used my towels and I am boiling mad.
It's the idea of her using my house with no effing shame that drives me mad. I now find out that my lovely neighbours have met her when she was "helping with the garden". FFS!
I comfort myself by thinking they deserve each other - both of them people happy to deceive someone who is going through a horrible ordeal.
DH now saying he's totally ashamed of himself.
I wish I could control my emotions.

Mix56 Mon 20-May-19 06:40:13

Remember he is a manipulative piece of shit.
He will say whatever is needed to get back in the house, he has lost his comfortable home & even his domestic. Not getting any sex.
He may be red faced of himself now people are hearing his disgraceful behaviour.
I am very sorry to learn your SD is not supportive that must be doubley painfull.
Please go limit your contact. If he can't be understanding, however Nice your XH may have appeared, his shagging your friend in your own home is simply unforgivable . Youe SD is a mysoginistic pig

Mix56 Mon 20-May-19 07:20:18

think I have mixed up 2 different abusive threads. sorry, duh

cinders15 Fri 31-May-19 12:32:12

How are you OP?
Sending you thanks

Norabloom Thu 06-Jun-19 01:42:58

Thank you cinders15. I am not great to be honest. DH still going to therapist. Says I have to stop obsessing about details of affair and ask myself why he did it. I’m so fucking furious. I wish I could stop being so angry but every time I see him or speak to him I just want to scream at him.

Ferfeckssake Thu 06-Jun-19 05:13:55

Norabloom ( Like the Joyce reference - you Irish ?) I am in similar situation. Nearly 60 , married 30 years . FFS , what is wrong with these men?
I even get the different stories , when I question him. And OW dumped him. Which is why he now says that he REALLY only loves me now. I even got the MH slant , which is infuriating as I have had depression for years that I manage as best I can. And even the stupid "hugs" thing.
I so understand how your bed, etc. being tainted feels. I am affected by looking at pictures , thinking that while we were doing this as a family, DH was thinking elsewhere. And I also have the sadness and then the anger. DH even thinks that I should be over it by now as it is 6 months since I found out.
Unlike you , I don't have the financial means to separate. SAHM for years , not a huge amount of equity. And he has just lost his job. Great.
So , you are in a great position to leave and live the rest of your life to the fullest without being dragged down by him.
My DH hates the idea of everyone knowing what has happened , like yours and his OW.
What the fuck did they think was going to be the outcome ? Selfish , deceitful pair of cunts. Welcome to each other.
Wish you all the best flowers

Upzadaizy Thu 06-Jun-19 05:56:39

I think FWIW, you should chuck him out. He’s blaming you.

Of course, no relationship is all black and white. But he’s going into counselling and attempts to work it out with you in bad faith. He’s being disingenuous and self-centred.

Norabloom Thu 06-Jun-19 12:24:33

For fecks sake - I’m not Irish but I am fan of JJoyce. I’m sorry you are going through this too. It’s so hard isn’t it? I have a few good hours and then I’m shaking with rage or grief all over again. I hadn’t seen him for a week (my choice) then he came over and I thought I could be calm and civil. It lasted for about 2 hours. He just wants me to say nothing about him or OW and just have dinner and it’s all super. He told me he’s bought a new mattress at the other house and then asked “would you like to come and christen it?” WTF!! I told him to eff off and he said he doesn’t know why I am so hung up on him meeting her at the house. It was just convenient and better than her accommodation and anyway as he really only stays there when he’s working in London he thought we were thinking of it more as a hotel.
It has been my home for 20 years.
He says I need professional psychiatric help and then we can start to rebuild our relationship.
All of this is so out of character for him it’s weird. Even the way he talks about it is unlike him. It’s a nauseating mixture of ‘caring’ and belligerence with a lot of of phrases like “getting in her knickers” which is not the way I ever heard him speak.
I totally get the photos thing. I looked at all the photos over the last year on my phone and if he was as unhappy with me as he now says he was he’s a bloody good actor. Also get the annoying MH thing - I saw a psychiatrist for 3 months during the last year and was prescribed tablets for anxiety. He has never acknowledged that at all although I discover he’s been taking my tablets. And - despite all this he says sorrowfully OW will never come back because she respects her family too much. It’s bloody unbearable.

user1479305498 Thu 06-Jun-19 13:32:01

These guys were not unhappy with you, they were unhappy if anything with themselves and using it as an ego boost, basically having their cake and eating it. My H had a bit of a one sided emotional affair that I found out 2 years ago but happened 13 years ago , he stated that it wasn’t me that he was unhappy with at all, he was unhappy generally, business issues, his mum dying and he used this EA as a distraction that gave him a positive buzz as opposed to everything being negative. He is of course now horrified that it has upset me so much but also that I know longer feel I can think of him quite the Same way, I do still care a lot but it’s kind of killed that sexual/romantic side of things for me to be honest. I totally get what you mean about the triggers. We lived in a different city and I refuse to go there

Norabloom Thu 06-Jun-19 14:28:02

Yes User147 he does keep saying “it’s not about her it was everything (his job, my illness, overworked, lots of stress, our son moved abroad ) and she was just nice and kind and cared about him and was so smiley and happy and she made him happy. I’m sure it was an ego boost for him, but I just can’t forgive them. I think she is a bitch. What’s she doing going round comforting other people’s husbands? And he is an indescribable bastard. As forfecks sake said these horrible couples deserve each other.
I just need a way to get over the pain.

Fannybaws52 Thu 06-Jun-19 15:13:02

OP youv've had an awful year and i'm so sorry you are now dealing with the pain of his betrayal as well.

Your own infidelity was 25 years ago. You divorced and you had a fresh, clean slate when you agreed to reconcile, remarry and start over. You've spent 25 years earning his trust back and you've kept your side of the deal.

He doesn't get to now backtrack and throw it around as an excuse or a stick to beat you with.

The facts are simple:

1. He indulged in an affair at a time when your life was at risk and you were vulnerable

2. He chose his affair instead of supporting you during your health crisis.

3. They has sex in your home and in your bed. This isn't just sex, this is disrespect and punishment. A deliberate act.

4. He only confessed after he was dumped.

5. He is now blaming you.

Your pain and anger is justified! Your husband did this not only for self gratification but to punish you.

Why should either of them get to walk away with their heads held high? If you want to shame them then you should. If you want to tell all of your friends what they did then you should.

Usually we'd all say that the cheater here is your husband as he made you vows but in this case, the woman he shagged in your bed has been mocking you with her falseness and was happy to take wages from the family business too! I'd understand if you go after her happy little bubble.

Good luck with the rest of your life, OP. Once you get yourself free of the pathetic loser DP, you can truly live and I bet you go on to enjoy all of those things you set aside while compromising in your marriage. Travel and meet someone new and continue being awesome. flowers

beanaseireann Thu 06-Jun-19 15:57:57

Fannybaws52
You speak a lot of sense.

Norabloom Thu 06-Jun-19 16:19:59

Thanks Fannybaws. I’ve told my 3 closest friends now and that Is a huge relief.
I want her husband to know but I don’t want to actually speak to him - so that’s a bit difficult! Not sure how I’ll do that.
I’m going to Turkey tomorrow for a long weekend with a friend.
I’m hoping things resolve themselves soon. I can’t go on like this much longer. I haven’t eaten a proper meal since the revelation and I’m feeling ill to be honest.
I keep thinking that if I tell her husband he might hit my husband? But do I care really?

PepsiLola Thu 06-Jun-19 18:36:49

Your husband would deserve the punch...

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