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Husband's affair

(334 Posts)
Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:26:44

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 10-May-19 16:34:45

What did you text? Sorry you are going through this. But it will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I hope you have booted your horrible husband out. Cheating on you in your own bed when you had breast cancer? Beyond vile.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:37:13

Hugs to you, you’ve been brave, it took me months to get my shit together mentally to pull up my big girl pants and send that text. Whatever happens now, you know you can’t just unknow something and things will never be the same, but that might not necessarily be a bad thing, either way you can’t just sit there and keep quiet and accept it, because trust me, it won’t be the first or the last time.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 10-May-19 16:39:47

good on you OP, take control back and stop letting these unfaithful fuckers make you feel like shit. flowers

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:43:21

I said "hello I understand you have been shagging my husband in my home while I was having treatment for breast cancer. That was nice of you both"
I'm glad I did it. Honestly I have spent all day at home, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even be bothered to have a shower. I can't work. I can't even talk to anyone in real life about this. I am utterly heartbroken. The thought that she is just hanging out with her perfect family makes me sick.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:44:04

bumblebee Exactly, couldn’t put it better myself. Get them running around like headless chickens now, worrying if her family will find out, and your kids find out. This exact approach with the two word message started a chain of events within 10 mins of the message being sent, looking back now I can laugh about it, but back then, with everything I had going on, I was not laughing. Here for you if you need a sympathetic ear or a rant. Xx

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:47:33

Just seen your message update. I know exactly how you are feeling, I have been there on more than one occasion, I was stupid enough to think I could get past it, then found during the years other stuff such as him setting up an OLD profile on a “no strings attached sex” website and other stuff that I have probably forgotten. I now have ZERO respect for him as either a human or a man. Hugs xx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 10-May-19 16:48:49

Well done @Norabloom, I hope she's running around panicking. You can talk to us until you feel strong enough to tell someone in real life.

Plipplopbop Fri 10-May-19 16:49:53

That was polite Norabloom, I sent, 'you fucking bitch, thanks'. (And before MN leaps on me, I also blamed him and called him names, not my finest moment in retrospect, but it felt damn good at the time)

justkeepnamechanging Fri 10-May-19 16:51:38

We are all here for you. Let her sh*t herself a she should be for everything she has done. Not like it was a one time thing, this has been continuous meet ups and a full blown affair for a very long time. In your bed too...I still can't with that one.

You are amazing and you are strong. Hopefully she'll tell her husband but I wouldn't even hesitate to inform him of everything. Like I said before, she'll be giving him the watered down version and the victim blaming.

Be prepared for your hubby to come in angry at you for telling now. I'm sure she's immediately called him - not so smiley now eh?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:52:17

You are very kind to me! I honestly feel like s**t. My heart is beating like crazy. But I had to say something. Why should I bear all this?
I don't want her to tell her husband. I just want her to know that I know and eff right off!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-May-19 16:53:25

and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help
Please don't listen to this manipulative bullshit.
As you did it 25 years ago he should know exactly how friggin awful this is for you.
Instead, it's all about HIM!
He can fuck off.
I don't think he needs help.
I'm sure as a grown adult man he is perfectly capable of packing a suit case and fucking off!!!
I'm sorry OP.
This must be so so awful for you.
I'm raging on your behalf.
Just have a few days to chill and let it sink in.
Don't do anything if you don't want to.
Keep hydrated though and your sugar levels up.
(((((HUGS))))) for you.

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 17:06:10

Good for you OP - excellent message. When I found out about my H’s affair I messaged her and her husband straightaway. Also called her once when she was being a particular bitch- made me feel excellent! X

DiaryofWimpyMumm Fri 10-May-19 17:13:06

Well done on messaging her. Why should she get to go about her Day whilst you're feeling so terrible.

Your husbands behaviour is vile.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 17:17:55

Yes I feel better! Hope it lasts. I've just made a cup of tea. She hasn't told my husband I messaged her obvs. He has just phoned and asked if he could bring anything from the shop on his way home. Sounded quite happy.
I'm not going to tell him I messaged her. I'm just going to have a few days without angst if possible.

YouJustDoYou Fri 10-May-19 17:19:59

I did the same. No regrets. They are both vile, vile, inexcusable pieces of dog shit who just conveniently want everyone to forgive/forget and let them just move on. Fuck that.

Op, you'll need to get yourself checked out for STIs. Her husband will too...if he ever finds out.

No one ever told me my dh was shagging around. They knew. But he meant more to them, so they all kept it a lovely secret. If I had My time again, I would most definitely want to be told. I could've then taken the decisions for myself into my own hands, instead of everyone else deciding for me what I would know and how I would live the rest of my life like a lie. No thanks.

MsDogLady Fri 10-May-19 17:44:52

Nora, I am sorry for your pain.

You are not responsible for H’s despicable actions. He is manipulating you. He has greatly betrayed you and is treating you with contempt.

I would tell him to leave as a consequence of his treachery. You need space and time to process all of this without his toxic presence. He is sad and depressed because he misses OW. Don’t tolerate him for one more minute.

Shine a light, Nora. H and OW do not deserve your protection, and you should not collude with them to keep rheir dirty secret.

It is good that you texted OW. I would now inform her husband. He needs to know the full story.

You also need to tell your adult children. You are suffering and need their support. What H has done is evil.

You would greatly benefit from individual counseling as a safe place to express your feelings and make decisions.

Oldbutstillgotit Fri 10-May-19 17:46:30

Brilliant message OP. To the point .

SuziQ10 Fri 10-May-19 17:56:32

Have you spoken to anyone in person about this and how you are feeling?
You're in shock. This is a horrible discovery. You need to speak to someone you can trust, let your emotions out.
If there's no one, please make sure you see a therapist / councillor. You're really going through a lot.

If you need to tell friends then do. Don't hide his secret.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Fri 10-May-19 18:05:45

What he and she have done is despicable and I'm sorry for the pain you are in.

I don't see what the point of telling your adult children is, as other posters have advised. My mother did this to us (made me her unwilling confidant) when I was 21 and it was horrible. I hated my father which was awful for me as well as him and I begged her not to tell my younger siblings because I wanted to protect them. Now much older I see that our intimate partnerships and are parenting are distinct and its possible to be a good father and a shit husband.

If you and he decide to separate then tell your kids, if they want to know why then tell them the barest details. There are other, better sources of support

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:06:47

It’s too much to keep secret from everyone, I did it for six months solid whilst I was gathering evidence so that when I called him out on it, he didn’t say I was mad, crazy, hormonal all which he has said since in various situations, I at least told my sister, who kept her eyes and ears open for me and found out other stuff I would never have found out. I sent myself bat shit crazy with it all at the time and if I hadn’t told my sister, I don’t know where I would be today.

12 years on now from the first time I found out, I now have no respect for him and feel empty inside in that way, and it’s made me much stronger mentally.

Hugs xx

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:15:53

Theonlywayisnorthwards - I get what you are saying, but they are not children anymore, they are adults getting into hopefully good relationships themselves, so they should be told, the fact that he doesn’t want them told tells you all you need to know. He doesn’t want to look bad, he should have thought about that.

In my experience, the affair was happening with one of my son’s friends mums from school, who was about 15 years younger than me, and my kids were exposed to different elements of the affair / hiding / lies without realising so they already sort of knew what was going on, and of course, not down to the minutiae of details, no need for any kids to know that, not sure I will ever.

I will never regret telling my kids, it has helped form them into being stable, honest adults who understand that trust is worth much more than a grubby fling.

I understand this might not be everyone’s POV but it’s mine from experience.

Hugs OP X

SapatSea Fri 10-May-19 18:16:37

Well done! I think your DH is despicable using the past against you. The bald truth is that he didn't support you properly through your cancer, proabably the worst and most scary time of your life. That's pretty bad. He is trying to guilt trip you to deflect blame from himself. He doesn't sound very sorry, just defensive.

Think carefully and take as much time tas you need to reflect about what you want to happen (about staying together).

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:18:36

Btw, OP I didn’t tell him I’d messaged her and outed the OW was almost cathartic to watch it all unravel while they ran around trying to patch up their pathetic lives with lies and bollocks lol.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Fri 10-May-19 18:21:59

Zakana, sure, I understand your point of view too and of course context is everything and everyone's family is different. You know your children and their specific needs of course and I.m sure you did what was right for you and your family.

I'm just sharing my own, subjective experience. I think many young adults are still very emotionally reliant on their parents. My initial reaction at that age was rage, feeling glad I knew, hating him, feeling self righteous and very protective of my mother. I feel very differently now, 15 years later.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:25:18

Theinkywayisnorthwards - funnily enough, you and I are not so different, my dad who I thought the sun shone out of his arse had various affairs when I was younger, he died when I was 14, and when my mum finally told me after the funeral, it actually made a lot of stuff fit into place with my childhood. She didn’t use me as her confidant, I’m not sure she had one, but I’m glad she told me when she did. You would have thought though knowing this and having seen it with my own eyes, I would have noticed it quicker myself lol!

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