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Husband's affair

(334 Posts)
Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:26:44

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

HollowTalk Fri 10-May-19 14:29:13

He was a complete bastard, having sex with her in your bed - of all the nasty things to do - and having an affair while you were having treatment for cancer. He didn't even have the decency to be kind to you throughout that time.

Of course you can blame her as well. She slept with your husband in your bed!

And now he needs help? Oh god, he's a piece of work.

And I'd tell her husband straightaway.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:39:57

I should explain I suppose that 25 years ago I had an affair that at the time ended our marriage but a few years later we got back together again and agreed to start anew. Since then it has all been good, apart from the usual issues that occur in a long marriage. My husband is now saying that the fact I was unfaithful 25 years ago means that I above all others should understand his and her motives and predicament and sympathise with them. He is desperate that I don't tell our grown up children and if I tell her husband I am afraid I will be responsible for a lot of heartbreak all round.
Meanwhile she is still 'liking' my posts on social media. What a mess.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 10-May-19 14:43:23

You don't owe him anything. You don't owe her anything.

Why do you have to keep this from your (presumably) adult children? Because he's ashamed, that's why.

Tell them if it makes you feel better. Tell her husband too. You're not responsible for any heartbreak, that's down to your husband and her. And block her on social media.

Time to take back some control of the situation; it might help.

JaneEyre07 Fri 10-May-19 14:47:17

I'd rather be alone than with a man who can bring another woman back into MY home and sleep with her in MY bed.

That's lower than low. It's despicable even.

Don't you deserve better?

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 10-May-19 14:49:55

So your affair went 'public' and you owned up to it at the time.

Your DH does not want to do that... why not? If he is all for being fair and understanding.

That you separated and got back together later is soemthing you did by mutual consent, fully infmred of what had gone before.

Your H cannot expect the same outcome if he won't contemplate the whole process!

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 14:50:25

Well her husband deserves to know for starters!!

Men really do astound me- I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Especially after all you have gone through with your cancer diagnosis- what a low life. And then to suggest he expects forgiveness because he forgave you 25 years ago?! Wow.

I know - from personal and recent experience sadly- how utterly unfair it feels to suddenly have to deal with these awful emotions when your life was trotting along nicely. It’s just unfair. And he only told you because “she couldn’t take the lying and deceit any more”?! So he was ok with it?!

Do you trust that this is over? That she won’t still be sniffing around? Has he been totally honest with you and shown complete remorse?

What is she even doing interacting with you on social media now that she knows you know?! You need to block her on everything (and I presume your Dh has already done the same if he is committed to you?)

Sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs x

Plipplopbop Fri 10-May-19 14:53:47

So as he says you should know how it happened because of your affair, HE was more than aware of the risks he was taking and the devastation an affair causes. Your marriage failed the last time, you started afresh. So he can't use behaviour 25 years ago to beat you.
I would block her, tell her DH and hold your head high and leave him. It's hard (been there), but this man and woman had sex in your bed, and he minimised your serious illness to get her back into bed. He's not nice.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:55:09

Thank you for your replies. He only told me this 4 days ago and I'm still in shock. The worst to be honest is feeling that I have no right to complain because I did it 25 years ago to him and he says that when I did it I gave him a nervous breakdown and his nerves have been bad ever since.
I just can't take the responsibility for it all. I don't feel strong enough to tell her husband. I thought of confronting her but I keep thinking I will make it all worse. Apparently she has no idea that my husband has told me about it so all hunky dory at her house.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 10-May-19 14:59:02

She is disgusting and He is equally disgusting.

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 10-May-19 15:02:06

Please don't internalise all of this! Your Dh is beng very unfair. Think of it... he says you caused him mental anguish all those years ago... you were dealing with a cancer diagnosis, how does he explain his lack of thought for you? His nerves?

If you take him on face value he is a pretty poor specimen, weak willed, selfish.

If you read a little deeper he really is trying to make his affair your fault, his nerves, your actions quarter of a century ago... how long has he been storing all of that up? Or is it just convenient, allows him not to look to closely at himself, his actions?

Whatver you decide to do NEVER believe you caused him to cheat. His own weaknesses did that. Just as your did you all that time ago!

ConfCall Fri 10-May-19 15:02:54

His behaviour was horrific. Hers too - did she really believe that you were “cured”? This is an awful lot to forgive OP. It sounds a lot worse than what you did 25 years ago.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit Fri 10-May-19 15:10:45

His behaviour is disgusting.
You need to tell her you know that will put the shits up her. I wouldn’t bother telling her husband as what will that achieve but at least she will know you know.
I don’t think I could get past that he was having an affair while I was undergoing cancer treatment. Regardless of your affair 25 years prior there is no justification.

Plipplopbop Fri 10-May-19 15:13:55

So as I said he knows what an affair does to the betrayed partner. You gave him a 25 year nervous breakdown, and he willingly, and in full knowledge of how awful an affair is, did it to you. Yeah, it doesn't make your ancient affair the fault of this one, it makes actually HIS behaviour so much worse. Try pointing that out to him.
Having been cheated on I know I would never do it to anyone else, it's horrific.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 15:15:45

I think any woman would understand that breast cancer is terrifying and you don't really get over it even if, like me, they fortunately caught it early. She must have known all that.
I know I am not perfect but he says that what attracted him to her was her smiley, friendly sunniness "she's always happy", unlike me apparently.
My affair 25 years before was bad I admit. I had a small child. I left my husband for the other man and we divorced. But I never asked for any sympathy for what I did. I admitted I was at fault and I left him openly. When we got back together I promised him I would be faithful and I have been. He agreed it was a new start. The children were very happy. Our life since has been good, charmed even. Would someone really wait 25 years to get back at you? I'm stunned really.
She actually came and stayed in my house while I was away and helped him landscape the bloody garden.I had no idea she was staying there but I knew she was helping him and I remarked how kind she was and what a nice job she had done. I can't even look at it now. What a cow!

madamedeluxe Fri 10-May-19 15:16:00

I would have a word with her. Sleeping in your bed is disgusting. Where were you when they were carrying on this affair in your home?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 15:25:51

We (conveniently for them) currently have 2 homes because he works in one place and I am working somewhere else. We both stay in both houses but he more often comes to this one. I raised the fact that it was weird to have the two places and he said loads of people live apart for part of the week.
He works very long hours (he says!) and is always (with me) either at work or asleep so I don't have much time to demonstrate any sunny smiliness. Apparently they only had sex six times in my bed "so don't think we were at it like rabbits". This did not make me feel better.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 15:54:20

They are both vile, do not turn this on yourself or let him try to.

I told my kids all about their father’s shenanigans when they were younger, one of several in particular as my mother was dying of terminal cancer and I was at college trying to study for my degree. My son is super respectful of women and my daughter is a staunch feminist at age 16, with her own set of power tools lol (just what every teenage girl wants for Christmas) no need for useless men if she can do it, any blue job can be done by a woman!

Your kids are old enough to understand now, if mine were at the ages of 5 and 9. Don’t let him come out of this smelling of roses, he has behaved despicably. They need to know that this is not acceptable behaviour in any way, shape or form and that this is not your fault. It was his choice, his choice and now he has to pay the consequences of being outed to his kids.

Hugs xx

PinaColadaPlease Fri 10-May-19 16:01:34

I would send her a text simply saying “I know”. You may never say anything else, but she’ll be panic that her life as she knows it is about to unravel. Why should you be the one carrying the burden?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:16:01

I really want to text her that I know but I'm scared it will make her tell her husband and then it will all come out and that she might have done this (broken up with him) in order to go off with my husband.

I don't know if I can stay with him but I want it be my choice not hers.

Do you think it will just alarm her or that it will make her come clean?

justkeepnamechanging Fri 10-May-19 16:22:11

He wants to silence you because he cares more about this woman than you. To sleep with someone in your bed is total disrespect. You made your mistake many moons ago, you dealt with that guilt and he FORGAVE you. That does not then mean he is justified to retaliate decades later and keep you quiet about it because of what you did.

Being alone is much better than being with someone who clearly has zero respect, love or care for you. Telling you that you aren't as smiley as her? I'm sure she'll be so smiley when her husband finds out what she's been up to.

Of course the husband deserves to know, and all of this should be made public or at the very least you shouldn't keep such a dirty secret. I feel for you but if your self worth is so low that you are willing to tolerate and move on from this behaviour with him, then there isn't much more any of us can do for you.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:23:03

pinacolada that is exactly what I did, I just texted her after a few months of getting evidence together, saying “I know”. Never said a word again to her, it started a chain of events which finished it for the pair of them and also bought her husband into as well, she then moved aware from the area by 600 miles with her kids and husband! I should say my relationship never repaired itself, it had gone too far. I lost any respect for him I had.

justkeepnamechanging Fri 10-May-19 16:24:30

I think telling her you know would just give her time to inform him of the truth she wants him to know - a much more watered down version of what has actually happened.

Personally I would go straight to him. I'm not about drama at all. But having been with someone who has just cheated on me and I found out days ago - I am relieved I told the OW (who had no clue about me) what had happened. Regardless of what that person does with that information, they should know. She was relieved I told her even if it hurts at the time.

MashedSpud Fri 10-May-19 16:28:07

Private message her on social media saying “Kindly stop liking my posts when you’ve been fucking my husband in my bed.”

Let her sweat and worry that you’ll burst her perfect little bubble like your world has been destroyed.

As for your cheating husband why should he get away with everything being brushed under the carpet when you went public years ago. It’s wrong for him to blame you. He didn’t have to get back with you all those years ago. He’s a massive scumbag for cheating on you while you had cancer too.

Sorry you’re going through all this.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:31:42

OK.I've texted her. I feel sick. She picked it up immediately.

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