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Husband's affair

(334 Posts)
Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:26:44

I have been married for over 30 years. We have had rocky patches but
I thought we were OK. My husband now he tells me he has been having an affair with someone at work for a year. He was prompted to tell me because she has just left him as "she can't take the lying and deceit any more" (she's also married) and she has to put her family first.
During this year of his affair I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Apparently the other woman felt very bad when I got the diagnosis and stopped the affair for 2 months when he told her I was cured (!). Since then she has been meeting him at work and in pubs and in my home and sleeping in my bed.
He's now sorry and wanting to get over this and make a go of our marriage if we can. My problem (one of them) is this: I can't get over the unfairness that he gets to unburden himself, she gets to go back with her husband and happy family life, and I get to deal with all the grief, the hurt, and the righteous anger. I am 60 years old. I don't want to be on my own. I want my life I had before.
He was quite unsupportive of me throughout my treatment for cancer and now I see why. He was with this woman.
I know I shouldn't blame her, but she knows me. She has spent weekends at our house in the past. She also knew that I was terrified by the cancer diagnosis (we have lots of mutual friends). She has to be to blame as well as him (I'm well aware of what he's done). But she gets to troll off back to her unwitting family and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help. He's convinced of course that she's a sweet kind person who just got carried away. Like him - neither of them want to hurt me apparently.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm in pieces. Is it possible to get over this?

HollowTalk Fri 10-May-19 14:29:13

He was a complete bastard, having sex with her in your bed - of all the nasty things to do - and having an affair while you were having treatment for cancer. He didn't even have the decency to be kind to you throughout that time.

Of course you can blame her as well. She slept with your husband in your bed!

And now he needs help? Oh god, he's a piece of work.

And I'd tell her husband straightaway.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:39:57

I should explain I suppose that 25 years ago I had an affair that at the time ended our marriage but a few years later we got back together again and agreed to start anew. Since then it has all been good, apart from the usual issues that occur in a long marriage. My husband is now saying that the fact I was unfaithful 25 years ago means that I above all others should understand his and her motives and predicament and sympathise with them. He is desperate that I don't tell our grown up children and if I tell her husband I am afraid I will be responsible for a lot of heartbreak all round.
Meanwhile she is still 'liking' my posts on social media. What a mess.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 10-May-19 14:43:23

You don't owe him anything. You don't owe her anything.

Why do you have to keep this from your (presumably) adult children? Because he's ashamed, that's why.

Tell them if it makes you feel better. Tell her husband too. You're not responsible for any heartbreak, that's down to your husband and her. And block her on social media.

Time to take back some control of the situation; it might help.

JaneEyre07 Fri 10-May-19 14:47:17

I'd rather be alone than with a man who can bring another woman back into MY home and sleep with her in MY bed.

That's lower than low. It's despicable even.

Don't you deserve better?

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 10-May-19 14:49:55

So your affair went 'public' and you owned up to it at the time.

Your DH does not want to do that... why not? If he is all for being fair and understanding.

That you separated and got back together later is soemthing you did by mutual consent, fully infmred of what had gone before.

Your H cannot expect the same outcome if he won't contemplate the whole process!

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 14:50:25

Well her husband deserves to know for starters!!

Men really do astound me- I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Especially after all you have gone through with your cancer diagnosis- what a low life. And then to suggest he expects forgiveness because he forgave you 25 years ago?! Wow.

I know - from personal and recent experience sadly- how utterly unfair it feels to suddenly have to deal with these awful emotions when your life was trotting along nicely. It’s just unfair. And he only told you because “she couldn’t take the lying and deceit any more”?! So he was ok with it?!

Do you trust that this is over? That she won’t still be sniffing around? Has he been totally honest with you and shown complete remorse?

What is she even doing interacting with you on social media now that she knows you know?! You need to block her on everything (and I presume your Dh has already done the same if he is committed to you?)

Sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs x

Plipplopbop Fri 10-May-19 14:53:47

So as he says you should know how it happened because of your affair, HE was more than aware of the risks he was taking and the devastation an affair causes. Your marriage failed the last time, you started afresh. So he can't use behaviour 25 years ago to beat you.
I would block her, tell her DH and hold your head high and leave him. It's hard (been there), but this man and woman had sex in your bed, and he minimised your serious illness to get her back into bed. He's not nice.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 14:55:09

Thank you for your replies. He only told me this 4 days ago and I'm still in shock. The worst to be honest is feeling that I have no right to complain because I did it 25 years ago to him and he says that when I did it I gave him a nervous breakdown and his nerves have been bad ever since.
I just can't take the responsibility for it all. I don't feel strong enough to tell her husband. I thought of confronting her but I keep thinking I will make it all worse. Apparently she has no idea that my husband has told me about it so all hunky dory at her house.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 10-May-19 14:59:02

She is disgusting and He is equally disgusting.

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 10-May-19 15:02:06

Please don't internalise all of this! Your Dh is beng very unfair. Think of it... he says you caused him mental anguish all those years ago... you were dealing with a cancer diagnosis, how does he explain his lack of thought for you? His nerves?

If you take him on face value he is a pretty poor specimen, weak willed, selfish.

If you read a little deeper he really is trying to make his affair your fault, his nerves, your actions quarter of a century ago... how long has he been storing all of that up? Or is it just convenient, allows him not to look to closely at himself, his actions?

Whatver you decide to do NEVER believe you caused him to cheat. His own weaknesses did that. Just as your did you all that time ago!

ConfCall Fri 10-May-19 15:02:54

His behaviour was horrific. Hers too - did she really believe that you were “cured”? This is an awful lot to forgive OP. It sounds a lot worse than what you did 25 years ago.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit Fri 10-May-19 15:10:45

His behaviour is disgusting.
You need to tell her you know that will put the shits up her. I wouldn’t bother telling her husband as what will that achieve but at least she will know you know.
I don’t think I could get past that he was having an affair while I was undergoing cancer treatment. Regardless of your affair 25 years prior there is no justification.

Plipplopbop Fri 10-May-19 15:13:55

So as I said he knows what an affair does to the betrayed partner. You gave him a 25 year nervous breakdown, and he willingly, and in full knowledge of how awful an affair is, did it to you. Yeah, it doesn't make your ancient affair the fault of this one, it makes actually HIS behaviour so much worse. Try pointing that out to him.
Having been cheated on I know I would never do it to anyone else, it's horrific.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 15:15:45

I think any woman would understand that breast cancer is terrifying and you don't really get over it even if, like me, they fortunately caught it early. She must have known all that.
I know I am not perfect but he says that what attracted him to her was her smiley, friendly sunniness "she's always happy", unlike me apparently.
My affair 25 years before was bad I admit. I had a small child. I left my husband for the other man and we divorced. But I never asked for any sympathy for what I did. I admitted I was at fault and I left him openly. When we got back together I promised him I would be faithful and I have been. He agreed it was a new start. The children were very happy. Our life since has been good, charmed even. Would someone really wait 25 years to get back at you? I'm stunned really.
She actually came and stayed in my house while I was away and helped him landscape the bloody garden.I had no idea she was staying there but I knew she was helping him and I remarked how kind she was and what a nice job she had done. I can't even look at it now. What a cow!

madamedeluxe Fri 10-May-19 15:16:00

I would have a word with her. Sleeping in your bed is disgusting. Where were you when they were carrying on this affair in your home?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 15:25:51

We (conveniently for them) currently have 2 homes because he works in one place and I am working somewhere else. We both stay in both houses but he more often comes to this one. I raised the fact that it was weird to have the two places and he said loads of people live apart for part of the week.
He works very long hours (he says!) and is always (with me) either at work or asleep so I don't have much time to demonstrate any sunny smiliness. Apparently they only had sex six times in my bed "so don't think we were at it like rabbits". This did not make me feel better.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 15:54:20

They are both vile, do not turn this on yourself or let him try to.

I told my kids all about their father’s shenanigans when they were younger, one of several in particular as my mother was dying of terminal cancer and I was at college trying to study for my degree. My son is super respectful of women and my daughter is a staunch feminist at age 16, with her own set of power tools lol (just what every teenage girl wants for Christmas) no need for useless men if she can do it, any blue job can be done by a woman!

Your kids are old enough to understand now, if mine were at the ages of 5 and 9. Don’t let him come out of this smelling of roses, he has behaved despicably. They need to know that this is not acceptable behaviour in any way, shape or form and that this is not your fault. It was his choice, his choice and now he has to pay the consequences of being outed to his kids.

Hugs xx

PinaColadaPlease Fri 10-May-19 16:01:34

I would send her a text simply saying “I know”. You may never say anything else, but she’ll be panic that her life as she knows it is about to unravel. Why should you be the one carrying the burden?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:16:01

I really want to text her that I know but I'm scared it will make her tell her husband and then it will all come out and that she might have done this (broken up with him) in order to go off with my husband.

I don't know if I can stay with him but I want it be my choice not hers.

Do you think it will just alarm her or that it will make her come clean?

justkeepnamechanging Fri 10-May-19 16:22:11

He wants to silence you because he cares more about this woman than you. To sleep with someone in your bed is total disrespect. You made your mistake many moons ago, you dealt with that guilt and he FORGAVE you. That does not then mean he is justified to retaliate decades later and keep you quiet about it because of what you did.

Being alone is much better than being with someone who clearly has zero respect, love or care for you. Telling you that you aren't as smiley as her? I'm sure she'll be so smiley when her husband finds out what she's been up to.

Of course the husband deserves to know, and all of this should be made public or at the very least you shouldn't keep such a dirty secret. I feel for you but if your self worth is so low that you are willing to tolerate and move on from this behaviour with him, then there isn't much more any of us can do for you.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:23:03

pinacolada that is exactly what I did, I just texted her after a few months of getting evidence together, saying “I know”. Never said a word again to her, it started a chain of events which finished it for the pair of them and also bought her husband into as well, she then moved aware from the area by 600 miles with her kids and husband! I should say my relationship never repaired itself, it had gone too far. I lost any respect for him I had.

justkeepnamechanging Fri 10-May-19 16:24:30

I think telling her you know would just give her time to inform him of the truth she wants him to know - a much more watered down version of what has actually happened.

Personally I would go straight to him. I'm not about drama at all. But having been with someone who has just cheated on me and I found out days ago - I am relieved I told the OW (who had no clue about me) what had happened. Regardless of what that person does with that information, they should know. She was relieved I told her even if it hurts at the time.

MashedSpud Fri 10-May-19 16:28:07

Private message her on social media saying “Kindly stop liking my posts when you’ve been fucking my husband in my bed.”

Let her sweat and worry that you’ll burst her perfect little bubble like your world has been destroyed.

As for your cheating husband why should he get away with everything being brushed under the carpet when you went public years ago. It’s wrong for him to blame you. He didn’t have to get back with you all those years ago. He’s a massive scumbag for cheating on you while you had cancer too.

Sorry you’re going through all this.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:31:42

OK.I've texted her. I feel sick. She picked it up immediately.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 10-May-19 16:34:45

What did you text? Sorry you are going through this. But it will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I hope you have booted your horrible husband out. Cheating on you in your own bed when you had breast cancer? Beyond vile.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:37:13

Hugs to you, you’ve been brave, it took me months to get my shit together mentally to pull up my big girl pants and send that text. Whatever happens now, you know you can’t just unknow something and things will never be the same, but that might not necessarily be a bad thing, either way you can’t just sit there and keep quiet and accept it, because trust me, it won’t be the first or the last time.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 10-May-19 16:39:47

good on you OP, take control back and stop letting these unfaithful fuckers make you feel like shit. flowers

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:43:21

I said "hello I understand you have been shagging my husband in my home while I was having treatment for breast cancer. That was nice of you both"
I'm glad I did it. Honestly I have spent all day at home, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even be bothered to have a shower. I can't work. I can't even talk to anyone in real life about this. I am utterly heartbroken. The thought that she is just hanging out with her perfect family makes me sick.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:44:04

bumblebee Exactly, couldn’t put it better myself. Get them running around like headless chickens now, worrying if her family will find out, and your kids find out. This exact approach with the two word message started a chain of events within 10 mins of the message being sent, looking back now I can laugh about it, but back then, with everything I had going on, I was not laughing. Here for you if you need a sympathetic ear or a rant. Xx

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 16:47:33

Just seen your message update. I know exactly how you are feeling, I have been there on more than one occasion, I was stupid enough to think I could get past it, then found during the years other stuff such as him setting up an OLD profile on a “no strings attached sex” website and other stuff that I have probably forgotten. I now have ZERO respect for him as either a human or a man. Hugs xx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 10-May-19 16:48:49

Well done @Norabloom, I hope she's running around panicking. You can talk to us until you feel strong enough to tell someone in real life.

Plipplopbop Fri 10-May-19 16:49:53

That was polite Norabloom, I sent, 'you fucking bitch, thanks'. (And before MN leaps on me, I also blamed him and called him names, not my finest moment in retrospect, but it felt damn good at the time)

justkeepnamechanging Fri 10-May-19 16:51:38

We are all here for you. Let her sh*t herself a bit...so she should be for everything she has done. Not like it was a one time thing, this has been continuous meet ups and a full blown affair for a very long time. In your bed too...I still can't with that one.

You are amazing and you are strong. Hopefully she'll tell her husband but I wouldn't even hesitate to inform him of everything. Like I said before, she'll be giving him the watered down version and the victim blaming.

Be prepared for your hubby to come in angry at you for telling now. I'm sure she's immediately called him - not so smiley now eh?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 16:52:17

You are very kind to me! I honestly feel like s**t. My heart is beating like crazy. But I had to say something. Why should I bear all this?
I don't want her to tell her husband. I just want her to know that I know and eff right off!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-May-19 16:53:25

and I am left with a sad, depressed man who says he's broken and needs help
WTAF!!!????
Please don't listen to this manipulative bullshit.
As you did it 25 years ago he should know exactly how friggin awful this is for you.
Instead, it's all about HIM!
He can fuck off.
I don't think he needs help.
I'm sure as a grown adult man he is perfectly capable of packing a suit case and fucking off!!!
I'm sorry OP.
This must be so so awful for you.
I'm raging on your behalf.
Just have a few days to chill and let it sink in.
Don't do anything if you don't want to.
Keep hydrated though and your sugar levels up.
(((((HUGS))))) for you.

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 17:06:10

Good for you OP - excellent message. When I found out about my H’s affair I messaged her and her husband straightaway. Also called her once when she was being a particular bitch- made me feel excellent! X

DiaryofWimpyMumm Fri 10-May-19 17:13:06

Well done on messaging her. Why should she get to go about her Day whilst you're feeling so terrible.

Your husbands behaviour is vile.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 17:17:55

Yes I feel better! Hope it lasts. I've just made a cup of tea. She hasn't told my husband I messaged her obvs. He has just phoned and asked if he could bring anything from the shop on his way home. Sounded quite happy.
I'm not going to tell him I messaged her. I'm just going to have a few days without angst if possible.

YouJustDoYou Fri 10-May-19 17:19:59

I did the same. No regrets. They are both vile, vile, inexcusable pieces of dog shit who just conveniently want everyone to forgive/forget and let them just move on. Fuck that.

Op, you'll need to get yourself checked out for STIs. Her husband will too...if he ever finds out.

No one ever told me my dh was shagging around. They knew. But he meant more to them, so they all kept it a lovely secret. If I had My time again, I would most definitely want to be told. I could've then taken the decisions for myself into my own hands, instead of everyone else deciding for me what I would know and how I would live the rest of my life like a lie. No thanks.

MsDogLady Fri 10-May-19 17:44:52

Nora, I am sorry for your pain.

You are not responsible for H’s despicable actions. He is manipulating you. He has greatly betrayed you and is treating you with contempt.

I would tell him to leave as a consequence of his treachery. You need space and time to process all of this without his toxic presence. He is sad and depressed because he misses OW. Don’t tolerate him for one more minute.

Shine a light, Nora. H and OW do not deserve your protection, and you should not collude with them to keep rheir dirty secret.

It is good that you texted OW. I would now inform her husband. He needs to know the full story.

You also need to tell your adult children. You are suffering and need their support. What H has done is evil.

You would greatly benefit from individual counseling as a safe place to express your feelings and make decisions.

Oldbutstillgotit Fri 10-May-19 17:46:30

Brilliant message OP. To the point .

SuziQ10 Fri 10-May-19 17:56:32

Have you spoken to anyone in person about this and how you are feeling?
You're in shock. This is a horrible discovery. You need to speak to someone you can trust, let your emotions out.
If there's no one, please make sure you see a therapist / councillor. You're really going through a lot.

If you need to tell friends then do. Don't hide his secret.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Fri 10-May-19 18:05:45

What he and she have done is despicable and I'm sorry for the pain you are in.

I don't see what the point of telling your adult children is, as other posters have advised. My mother did this to us (made me her unwilling confidant) when I was 21 and it was horrible. I hated my father which was awful for me as well as him and I begged her not to tell my younger siblings because I wanted to protect them. Now much older I see that our intimate partnerships and are parenting are distinct and its possible to be a good father and a shit husband.

If you and he decide to separate then tell your kids, if they want to know why then tell them the barest details. There are other, better sources of support

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:06:47

It’s too much to keep secret from everyone, I did it for six months solid whilst I was gathering evidence so that when I called him out on it, he didn’t say I was mad, crazy, hormonal all which he has said since in various situations, I at least told my sister, who kept her eyes and ears open for me and found out other stuff I would never have found out. I sent myself bat shit crazy with it all at the time and if I hadn’t told my sister, I don’t know where I would be today.

12 years on now from the first time I found out, I now have no respect for him and feel empty inside in that way, and it’s made me much stronger mentally.

Hugs xx

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:15:53

Theonlywayisnorthwards - I get what you are saying, but they are not children anymore, they are adults getting into hopefully good relationships themselves, so they should be told, the fact that he doesn’t want them told tells you all you need to know. He doesn’t want to look bad, he should have thought about that.

In my experience, the affair was happening with one of my son’s friends mums from school, who was about 15 years younger than me, and my kids were exposed to different elements of the affair / hiding / lies without realising so they already sort of knew what was going on, and of course, not down to the minutiae of details, no need for any kids to know that, not sure I will ever.

I will never regret telling my kids, it has helped form them into being stable, honest adults who understand that trust is worth much more than a grubby fling.

I understand this might not be everyone’s POV but it’s mine from experience.

Hugs OP X

SapatSea Fri 10-May-19 18:16:37

Well done! I think your DH is despicable using the past against you. The bald truth is that he didn't support you properly through your cancer, proabably the worst and most scary time of your life. That's pretty bad. He is trying to guilt trip you to deflect blame from himself. He doesn't sound very sorry, just defensive.

Think carefully and take as much time tas you need to reflect about what you want to happen (about staying together).

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:18:36

Btw, OP I didn’t tell him I’d messaged her and outed the OW either....it was almost cathartic to watch it all unravel while they ran around trying to patch up their pathetic lives with lies and bollocks lol.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Fri 10-May-19 18:21:59

Zakana, sure, I understand your point of view too and of course context is everything and everyone's family is different. You know your children and their specific needs of course and I.m sure you did what was right for you and your family.

I'm just sharing my own, subjective experience. I think many young adults are still very emotionally reliant on their parents. My initial reaction at that age was rage, feeling glad I knew, hating him, feeling self righteous and very protective of my mother. I feel very differently now, 15 years later.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:25:18

Theinkywayisnorthwards - funnily enough, you and I are not so different, my dad who I thought the sun shone out of his arse had various affairs when I was younger, he died when I was 14, and when my mum finally told me after the funeral, it actually made a lot of stuff fit into place with my childhood. She didn’t use me as her confidant, I’m not sure she had one, but I’m glad she told me when she did. You would have thought though knowing this and having seen it with my own eyes, I would have noticed it quicker myself lol!

RumpledOfTheBailey Fri 10-May-19 18:28:51

It’s awful. From experience I’d say tell your friends and family and ask him to leave now. You’ll get a much better deal while he’s feeling bad. I tried so hard to take mine back, wasted years.

It’s horrible though. But seize the moment.

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:32:55

Rumpledofthebailey - exactly what I did. I would tell anyone don’t think it won’t happen again, in my experience it does! I have wasted so much time, tears, mental health and so called friends over it.

RumpledOfTheBailey Fri 10-May-19 18:39:14

Zakana- yes.. that’s why I really want to share that. Life is good now, but I'm still traumatised after the years of trying to make it work.

I singularly ignored all such advice but so so wish I hadn’t.

Rubbish, innit? 💐

Forgotmycoat Fri 10-May-19 18:41:15

It's despicable he had an affair. It's worse that he failed to support you through cancer. But it's absolutely taking the biscuit that he wants YOU to sympathise and suport him going through his heartbreak. Absolutely do nothing of the sort, op. He deserves to feel the pain. If he says he's hurting, ask him how he thinks you're feeling.

He didn't end the affair, she did. He's only telling you now to make himself feel better.
Honestly, i can't imagine the pain you're going through.
Sending you hugs and strength x

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 18:44:42

Rumpled - me too lol, and when you are going through it, it feels like it’s only happened to you!

OP you will get though this, I promise, I’m not going to pretend it’s easy whatever avenue you decide to take from now on, but knowledge is some power at least. Just try not to waste time, years and years, flogging a dead horse.

Hugs to you and Rumpled xx

WhoKnewBeefStew Fri 10-May-19 18:45:58

He can’t continue to beat you over the head about an affair 25 years ago. Don’t even let that interfere with your decision.

Tbh I’d tell her dh. Kick your dh out whilst you decide what to do. You have no responsibility for his mental health

IvanaPee Fri 10-May-19 18:52:06

Don’t tell him that you messaged her. I have a feeling you’re about to find out if they’re still in touch.

You know you don’t have to have him in the house? I’d tell him to leave if I were you. Give yourself some space.

He’s a prick. Yeah, you were a prick too 25 years ago but he didn’t have to get back together with you! One doesn’t cancel out the other!

Jon1970 Fri 10-May-19 18:59:19

OP I have a lot of sympathy for you. My wife had a nine month affair which also included using our bed. I stayed with her because kids were going through exams at the time and she had serious MH issues which made things very complicated. It has got easier over time, but only because I buried (and still keep a lid on) a lot of anger, resentment and sadness. I think I've got very good at compartmentalising.

I honestly think if I had been 60 with grown up children I would have left but clearly that will need to be your own decision and I wouldn't be swayed too much by MN responses which can tend to look at things a little one dimensionally e.g. "get out and take him for everything you can" etc. You have repaired (you thought) your marriage before, so you will be best placed to work out if you think you can, or want to do that, again.

I confronted the other man, but I never contacted his wife, so he got away with it. This still really bugs me, and I still think about letting her know but four years on I would probably look a bit weird. What's stopped me is I know things would blow up all over again and I don't want that for my children.

If you want to tell her husband, I would do it soon, as you have all the justification in the world right now. Less so perhaps in years to come. I think this aspect, that their family life remains intact, will continue to eat away at me and I know it's affected my self esteem, feeling that I never 'got even'. I know that sounds a big aggressive maybe, but I'm just being honest.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 19:20:36

He’s actually just said that what I did to him 25 years ago was far worse because he was ‘thrown out’ (it was actually my flat) and we had a 5 year old son.
He has also said that he and she did a horrible thing but he still has feelings for her although he realises he has to stop thinking about her.
All this - but also it’s up to me what will happen apparently. It’s all up to me.

RumpledOfTheBailey Fri 10-May-19 19:31:54

It’s not you though, it’s him.. it’s crap to make you feel responsible

FuriousVexation Fri 10-May-19 19:33:53

@Zakana I don't think your mum did you a kindness, telling you that the father you just mourned was actually a cheating bastard. I had a similar situation when I was 16 and my Grandpa died very unexpectedly. I adored him (and my Grandma) but my mum chose to tell me at this time that he had been physically abusive to my Grandma and my mum and her siblings when she was a child. It confused the shit out of me and made me feel like I shouldn't be grieving for him because actually he was a bastard. (Many years later I strongly suspect he wasn't abusive to the degree my mother claimed - she has form for massively exaggerating or just making shit up.)

OP, sorry you're married to a shit. As you have two properties, can you agree for the next week that you'll live separately, so you can have some time and space to think about what you want? Use that time to seek legal advice, but also to lean on friends. At times like these you really find out who your friends are.

I used to work with victims of rape and abuse and we always said "The only person who benefits from silence is the abuser."
Different situation here, but your silence is only going to benefit him and her, whilst isolating you from sources of support.

Do your DC know about your affair 25yrs ago? I assume your eldest does as you mention moving in with another guy.

Hearing this will be painful for them, but I firmly believe that the truth is ultimately less hurtful than lies.

WhoKnewBeefStew Fri 10-May-19 19:35:05

Just kick the useless twat out again!

Mothermason Fri 10-May-19 19:39:48

I would leave him. It will be hard of course, but your 60! That’s so young to think you could have another 20-30 years with this person. Or you could try and meet someone who’s treats you right! My grandad is 85 and has a girlfriend. I hope you’re in the clear for the cancer now xx

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 19:41:42

Yes my son knows. He’s surprisingly ok about it. He just said ‘you did the best thing going back to dad’ and he and I are very close. Unfortunately he lives abroad but I know he would be very upset about this. I will only tell him when and if because it’s too raw and volatile now for him to know at the moment. My husband keeps saying “what do you want? Do you want to tell her husband? Ok tell him but then everybody will know.” I actually think he’s gone a bit mad. What on earth did he think was going to happen when he told me?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 19:43:13

I mean my so knows about my affair 25 years ago. Not this one!

waltersdog Fri 10-May-19 19:43:58

Tell everyone, the twat.

Kazzz65 Fri 10-May-19 19:44:21

We all make mistakes, we learn from them by sometimes experiencing the same things we have done to others. The fact is its ended, he wants to be with you and feels sad and mean for doing this to you. Perhaps you could both go to counselling together to see if you can work through it and save the marriage but for now it's so new and raw that you're angry and hurt. Give it time, hug each other and try to comfort each other. X

waltersdog Fri 10-May-19 19:46:26

Fuck that Kazzz

Zakana Fri 10-May-19 19:47:56

Furious - no didn’t make me feel at all like that, just made a load of sense of weird stuff that had been happening up until that time in our household. I am very much and have always been a person that would rather know the truth, and deal with it from there. The truth to me is so important. And what my mum told me was actually not coloured by her feelings, but was the truth, and she didn’t really choose then specifically to tell me what an asshole my dad had been, it sort of came out because loads of extended family came to the funeral and stayed with us afterwards, the truth will out so to speak, which it did. Not the best time but hey ho, life goes on.

OP, be strong and know that you are not in the wrong. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it’s your decision, not his. He doesn’t get to call the shots anymore.

Hugs xx

janetforpresident Fri 10-May-19 19:48:06

Don't stay with him just because you don't want to be alone. You potentially have 20 or 30 years ahead of you and deserve to be happy. You can meet someone else.

Is it possible he told you so that you would tell her husband so that she would leave him?

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 19:50:32

Yes I may be 60 but I’m bloody gorgeous!
Anyway she’s just deleted all her social media accounts.
I do hope she’s feeling the fear.

KitNCaboodle Fri 10-May-19 19:53:57

She may have just blocked you on social media, rather than deleting them.
Deleting them would lead to people asking her questions as to why, I should imagine.

I’m sorry this has happened and your husband has behaved in such a shitty way.

Sashkin Fri 10-May-19 19:56:20

Anyway she’s just deleted all her social media accounts

I suspect she’s just blocked you so you can’t out her.

I would tell your children, then tell everyone you know that while you were in hospital being treated for breast cancer, they took the opportunity to fuck in your bed.

You have two houses, make him live in the other one. He’s the lowest of the low, and she’s not much better.

mollysshadow Fri 10-May-19 19:58:05

Absolutely tell everyone, what a pair of despicable shits.

timeisnotaline Fri 10-May-19 19:59:07

I guess for whether your marriage can last or not , I just know that in your shoes if my ‘d’h got cancer ten years from now, I wouldn’t have forgotten this. I’d be all ‘oh terrifying possibly terminal illness? This is my cue to check out emotionally, as far as I understand the rules of our marriage work. you’re on your own with this one.’ Very cold hearted but I would definitely feel that way.

And he sounds awful, trying to blame this on you. I’d have to leave because I couldn’t stay.

Tingface Fri 10-May-19 20:01:35

Yes I reckon she’s just blocked you.

OP. How would you feel about asking your husband to move out for a month, to give you both some headspace to process this?

IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing Fri 10-May-19 20:02:42

Ergh. I’m so sorry OP. What an utter bastard.

Just wanted to pick up on something you said upthread because it rang a bell with me. When I was a teenager I had an affir with my married teacher. Not my finest hour but it started when I was 14 and I was a fucking idiot, I wouldn’t do it now and I feel very badly for what I did to his wife although with a lot of therapy I’ve realised he was a creepy borderline paedophile.

However when it all came to light she was incredibly upset that we had had sex in her bed (understandably). We had this massive showdown where she said she couldn’t believe he had done that and he said that a) we didn’t do it in the bed that many times (which was untrue, he must have shagged me 1,000 times over the years in that bed) and b) used the exact words “so don't think we were at it like rabbits". Reading it there in your thread literally made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. This is clearly what they all say, the fucking wankers.

My one ended up being allowed back by his wife for some unknown reason. They’re still together 25yrs later and I’ve heard on the grapevine over the years that he’s still fucking school girls in his spare time, he’s just got better at hiding it. Your husband sounds like a cold, callous bastard not only for doing it but for doing it while you had cancer, lying to the mistress about the cancer and then trying to blame you. It’s so awful it’s borderline comical- it’s certainly unbelievable.

You can definitely do better than this poor excuse for a man.

SunshineCake Fri 10-May-19 20:07:27

When he agreed to give your marriage another go 25 years ago you started a afresh. He doesn't get to use it against you anymore and shut him down every time. His nerves are not shot. He's thinking of things he can say that you can't prove that will play on your emotions. At the very least I'd kick him out for a while. Make him shit himself. I'd tell her husband too. What a bitch.

IvanaPee Fri 10-May-19 20:07:33

God he really doesn’t care about you, does he?

Don’t waste your time with this fucking bastard anymore!

mollysshadow Fri 10-May-19 20:08:40

Absolutely tell her husband

BumbleBeee69 Fri 10-May-19 20:56:45

I agree.. tell everyone flowers

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 20:59:03

Tell her husband!! Honestly, he deserves to know the truth. X

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 21:04:16

Should add that my H told me about his affair the week before Christmas- already said I contacted OW and her DH immediately but also broke the news to his stepmum and dad later that week, who told his mum. He he was too ashamed to tell them and I was sick of having to pretend I was still having them over for Christmas dinner. I didn’t see why I had to uphold the facade. The truth will out so best you get in there first- and it’s not going to do you any damage as no one will ever think badly of anyone but him and her! X

PlinkPlink Fri 10-May-19 21:06:58

and if I tell her husband I am afraid I will be responsible for a lot of heartbreak all round

No no no.

The ones responsible for the heartbreak are the ones who decided to cheat.

This seems like a patriarchy thing that has been around for years. It's a Male thing it or at least, I've only ever heard it come from a man (happy to be told otherwise).

Making you feel guilty for telling the OW's OH despite it being his (and her) actions being the whole reason for the hurt in the first place. It's a control thing.
Place all the blame and guilt onto you so you keep quiet.

Disgusting tactic.

Tell the husband. You will never get your old life back, I'm afraid. The trust has completely gone.

Whisky2014 Fri 10-May-19 21:18:29

Fucking right I'd tell her husband

mollysshadow Fri 10-May-19 21:22:43

You are not responsible, that's just trying to guilt trip you into hiding his shitty behaviour. No one would ever think you were to blame.

wheresthehope Fri 10-May-19 21:25:38

Tell everyone then put a whole page spread in your local newspaper incase some people didn't findout!
Then post an add looking for somewhere for him to live then kick his miserable gaslighting ass out!

MMmomDD Fri 10-May-19 21:40:28

I am sorry OP for where you are.

However - if there was a man on here who’d said he’d had an affair 5 years into marriage, and with a small child involved - he’d be crucified on here. And his W would be told to never take him back. And ‘once a cheater’ would have been mentioned a few times.
And - given that you were married back then - your H was ‘kicked out’ - marital property is jointly owned. And he missed out on his kid growing up.
But you know all this; that’s why you that the history is relevant here.
It doesn’t excuse him. But time duration doesn’t excuse you either.

So - the question isn’t who is more to blame. But rather - what now.
Just because he forgave you back then - doesn’t mean that you should. People are different.
If you want to try to move on and fix things - you need to take a bit of time while the pain in most intense and not act on impulse to shout and scream to the world.
While it’ll give you a little satisfaction right now - it’ll make the moving on much harder.
And IF you decide to go that way - you’ll need to go to counselling and talk and re-examine and re-build your marriage.
Many people do that. In fact - most discovered affairs don’t lead to marriage breakdown. Most people, contrary to what one’d expect - stay.
Good luck with any decisions you’ll make.
(And btw there is this great book by E.Perel - The State of the Affairs. At some point later it may give you some answers to both yours and his affairs)

TryingToCope101 Fri 10-May-19 21:48:37

Second the recommendation about E Perel- she also does a great TED talk about infidelity.

katy78 Fri 10-May-19 22:00:15

To me this reads that you don’t want her husband to know because you are worried that this will mean the end of their relationship and you are worried if she becomes available, your husband will choose to go to her over you.
Do you really want to be with someone whom you are second choice? If not then you should have nothing to fear about telling her husband.

ENormaSnob Fri 10-May-19 22:58:13

I'd blow this well and truly out of the water.

If he choose to forgive and move on 25 years ago (no judgement, I couldn't have), he doesn't get carte Blanche to be a dick now.

Norabloom Fri 10-May-19 23:23:34

Yeah I’ve fucked everything up and so has he. We have to separate now so I guess she’s won.
He wants to separate because I can’t be civil. And I really can’t be civil so ...

Sofagirl Fri 10-May-19 23:28:13

What an asshole to do this to you whilst you were ill

I’ve read loads of accounts where men can’t bear to be denied sex or care for their female partners when they’re ill

The fact he still has feelings for her would do it for me

60 is not old!

You can start again

rebecca102 Fri 10-May-19 23:31:52

You don't have to be alone but you definitely don't have to be with him. You seriously deserve so much more

MsDogLady Sat 11-May-19 00:26:59

You are allowing him to manipulate you. First he says that it’s your fault that he had sex with OW in your bed while you were ill. Now he is threatening you with separation because you won’t happily STFU.

Honestly, he is revolting. How can you stand to even look at him after what he has done? I would tell him that separation is a wonderful idea and good riddance. She has won nothing. He is a pig.

I would inform OW’s DH as soon as possible. You both need STI tests.

MsPavlichenko Sat 11-May-19 00:35:35

Won what? A cheating, lying scumbag who does this to his wife when she is undergoing cancer treatment ?

No prize.

Weenurse Sat 11-May-19 05:57:56

You will be much better on your own.💐

Darls3000 Sat 11-May-19 06:12:58

This is rough OP but you sound like you're getting angrier about it which I think is a good next stage to being clear headed about what's best to do next. And if the trust can ever be rebuilt.

But I would stop thinking of his affair in relation to yours. The slate should have been wiped when you cane back and only mentioned again if YOU were the one who strayed again. It would then just show you have a pattern of infidelity.

So not relevant here. It's an excuse for DH to use it like this. An attempt to divert the fact that he's not owning his deceitful ways. Good luck. Don't rush into any big decisions thanks

ShinyShoe Sat 11-May-19 06:14:23

Why should you have to be civil? Fuck that. Fuck him and fuck her. What struck me is that he only told you because she decided to end things. If she hadn’t done that, he’d still be shagging her and you’d be none the wiser! Don’t be his booby prize! Have more respect than that. I would absolutely be telling her husband. He has a right to know. How on earth did this all even begin? Did he initiate or did she. You say you were happy for 25 years? I think you’re going to need help to get over the shock of what’s happened!

Upzadaizy Sat 11-May-19 07:16:37

I’m 60 and on my own and I have a great life. Sure, I miss having some to share it with, but reading your posts makes me think I’ve made a lucky escape by not ever having to deal with the gut-wrenching stuff you’re going through.

I really feel for you.

Particularly in the way your husband is being hugely emotionally manipulative by making HIS behaviour your responsibility.

His.Feelings.Are.Not.Your.Responsibility

He’s a grown up. He’s behaved unspeakably badly and he’s trying to make you take the blame and the burden of fixing it.

And it’s not tit for tat - that you had an affair 25yesrs who has nothing to do with his actions now. You divorced then. If you got back together, presumably that was a choice you both made.

Or ask him, was he saving this up as revenge for 25 years ago? Did he choose to get back together with you so that a quarter of a century later, he could pay you back with an affair?

It’s just laughable that a grown adult is so gormless about his actions, his choices, his feelings.

I hope you find the strength and determination (cold fury maybe instead of guilt?) to throw him out and take him to the cleaners, emotionally as well as in the more practical things in your joint life.

Look, I know how hard it is to separate two lives so entwined. Been there, got the T-shirt. It’s hell going through it.

But being single at 60 is NOT something to be scared of or disdainful of. You’ll be so much better off without this rather pathetic man child.

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