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Is any woman on here with a partner who is an absent parent by choice?

(78 Posts)
gingertesco Wed 08-May-19 22:56:05

Tell me about these men, are they just spineless or misunderstood?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-May-19 16:38:56

My ExH moved abroad and lived off grid.
I tried to facilitate but he just wasn't interested.
His DD really does not like him now.
She doesn't talk to him.
That's his loss!

GoneForFood Thu 16-May-19 16:27:39

Want to add that my dad was no angel in all of this - his new wife (they’re still together) couldn’t have children and he made it clear that he wanted us to to think of her as our 2nd mum. He did rub it in my mums face all the time. We re established contact at about 11/12 (when my mum got remarried) and then when my mum wouldn’t invite his new wife to my sisters 13th birthday party he tried to get us to choose between her and our mum - he gave us £50 each to say we wanted his new wife at the party! I’ve seen all the court papers, they were both as bad as each other really.

Another classic case of the parents tit for tatting instead of putting the kids first.

Genuinely why I’ve built up a friendly relationship with dhs ex wife so the kids don’t get stuck in the middle.

FlippFlop Thu 16-May-19 16:26:06

I know women who do the very same thing..

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 16:22:02

I can't imagine anyone wanting to live like that. The 'payoff' of getting one up on an ex just doesn't seem worth it.

GoneForFood Thu 16-May-19 16:07:55


I’ve never really thought about it that way to be honest. We always lived in council housing so must have been done through them - this was early to mid 80s so I’m guessing it was a lot easier to ask for and be moved by them back then. Plus it wasn’t like it is now- I’m writing ‘every time he found us’ but it was maybe 4/5 times in 8 years as there was no internet or records (I suspect my grandad used to eventually tell him where we was but not 100% on that)

We just did quite big move last year (200 miles) and it cost an absolute fortune once you add up all the niggly bits!

ILoveMaxiBondi Thu 16-May-19 15:49:32

It must have cost her an absolute fortune gone! I’ve just moved and between moving costs and purchasing appliances, changing my address on car insurance, Royal Mail redirection, And time off work etc I’m out about a grand. I’m guessing your mum had to leave her job every time too? Buy new school uniforms for you?

GoneForFood Thu 16-May-19 15:40:55


This was my life growing up. My mum moved us somewhere new every time our dad found us. He left her for the OW when she’d just had my younger sister and my mum didn’t want ‘that woman’ meeting or having anything to do with us.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 15:06:22

DP begged me to stop.
Enough said. Are you saying his ex uproots her son and herself purely to spite an ex? Consistently putting herself through the stress and instability of moving and starting afresh all over again just to piss off your OH? If a woman was putting herself and her family so much, I'd have to think why.

Auellica Thu 16-May-19 14:58:09

As much as women don’t like to admit it, other women can be shitty parents.

Who use children as weapons. Who alienate the father out of spite. Who are so hellbent and bitter, that they get revenge by withholding children.

My stepson is missing out on a huge extended loving family. Because of his mother. Family is my DPs priority. He’s absolutely the best father to our son and my daughters (I share custody of my girls with my ex husband, we’re very lucky that he and my DP hit it off, so no drama)

We pay child support. We look for our stepson all the time. But she moves constantly and when we track her down, she moves again. It’s a deadset nightmare. DP begged me to stop. It kills him every time we got him and then lost him again.

One day that boy will come looking. We rely on that.

gingertesco Thu 16-May-19 14:04:31

never breed with a fuckwit

Exactly once you know they have form for child abandonment, do not entertain them. Unless they show and demonstrate complete remorse.

TheFormidableMrsC Thu 16-May-19 13:03:01

My ex-h is one of these. Was "desperate" to be a father, buggered off to OW when DS was 2.5. Baby now 8 and diagnosed with ASD/SPD. Ex-h had the contact he asked for which was minimal and then emailed school a couple of years ago, over the Xmas holidays, to say he no longer wanted contact and could they let me know hmm. OW has made it clear that me and our son being around is not to her liking. 14 months later, OW's friend discovers that my ex-h has a son. I believe this was embarrassing so they made a contact application suggesting I was guilty of parental alienation. Fortunately court thought otherwise. Ex-h had to jump through hoops to achieve minimal contact. BUT GUESS WHAT?! During court proceedings, they did not disclose that OW had already bought a house 400 miles away and they would be relocating. So my DS will go through the whole abandonment cycle again and I am preparing to go back to court unfortunately. Some people should never be parents. Some women are evil shits. Of course, all of this is my fault for being the "money grabbing sociopathic psycho ex wife" as I am regularly described. Oh and my £22 a week maintenance is the height of greed. I don't know what the answer is other than never breed with a fuckwit.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 12:54:40

I can't say the same about many laws in America but I do think that is a good thing as a deterrent more than anything else Scott. Unless they're banging up fathers who literally can't afford to pay.

gingertesco Thu 16-May-19 12:53:42

@ImNotNigel I am not blaming women but we need to set boundaries on appropriate behaviour.

Scott72 Thu 16-May-19 12:46:59

"will also be held legally accountable for shirking their financial responsibilities. (I'm talking jail time"

That's how it works in many states in the U.S. Don't keep up with CS, go to prison.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 12:36:51

OP has a point. Whilst I don't agree with blaming women specifically yet again, for men's mistakes, I do think as a society, we should come down harder on shit fathers. To not see/not pay for one's own children should be seen as deviant behaviour as opposed to normal or eye-roll invoking yet tolerated. So that would include the women around the man, and the men also. I'd like to see these men to not be considered as desirable partners and I'd like to see other men challenge them. So instead of sitting at the pub listening to pitiful ramblings such as 'my ex is such a bitch, dossing on social money and now she wants mine as well, I'm not paying for her to get her nails done and she's stopping me from seeing my kid apart from when she wants a babysitter on a weekend and why should I look after the kid just so she can go out and meet other men?' and nodding along in agreement, other men should be saying, 'hold up. It's not strictly true then that you're 'being stopped' from parenting your child then is it? What have you done to ensure you're having equal time? And why are you complaining about her receiving benefits when you're not paying towards raising your own child?'.
Women are always to blame for everything. Ex's are 'crazy obstructive bitches', current partners are 'heartless enablers'. Until everyone's view of waster men is changed, then it will always be acceptable and misogyny will still thrive. In the olden days, laws were based on what is socially deviant. Maybe one day, men will be not only shamed and ostracised for crap parent behaviour, they will also be held legally accountable for shirking their financial responsibilities. (I'm talking jail time, not CSA-style non-enforcement and then closure of claims).

ImNotNigel Thu 16-May-19 12:10:15

OP you sound a lot like you are trying to blame women for men’s neglect and abandonment of their children.

It’s 100% the fault of the fathers. Stop trying to blame shift.

Scott72 Thu 16-May-19 12:06:19

Most of these men aren't really shits though. The ones who walk out and never or really contact again would be. But where contact just ebbs over time to a few hours a week, I'd say that's an unfortunate natural tendency. It would take a concerted effort from both parents to fight this tendency.

Yoursilentface Thu 16-May-19 11:57:33

if you're a woman in this kind of relationship it is a moral duty to question and support your partner to be a better man

Like fuck is it. Its not my job to make my partner a better man. He is who he is I accept that or walk away. I'm not his mum. That is such woman blaming bullshit. If he's a shit it's his wife's fault.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Thu 16-May-19 11:49:37

It's not really a difficult question to answer is it? It's the same reason why women get involved with conmen on dating sites who pretend to be working for a MI5, are orphans and have only new friends and then persuade them to give them all their money. Or any other reason that leads women into relationships with men that would otherwise be turned down.

Some men are very slick and persuasive liars. (I really tried contact but she's an evil bitch so I took a decision to stay away until my child is older).
Some men are charismatic conmen.
Some men have so much to offer in terms of financial security that everything else gets overlooked.

Some women are so desperate for a partner they will take any thing.
Some women are gullible.
Some women are gold diggers.

Variety of reasons but the short answer is that anyone will accept a situation that they perceive to be an advantage to them whatever the other issues maybe.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 11:17:59

They don't care or are indifferent at best. If the father who is genetically linked to the children isn't bothered, the latest woman on the scene definitely isn't. I see it all the time. Very, very common to hear these women say, 'don't involve me, it's nothing to do with me'. Fine. But it's not for me. I don't find deadbeat dads attractive in the slightest.

SandyY2K Thu 16-May-19 11:08:31

if you're a woman in this kind of relationship it is a moral duty to question and support your partner to be a better man.

I agree, but I wouldn't necessarily use the word support. No decent parent should need support to maintain contact and not abandon their child.

If he requires support from a new partner or wife to be in contact and have a relationship with his own children, then he's not worth being with IMO.

DulcieRay Thu 16-May-19 11:01:04


At no point did I say always or all. I don't think I am being unfair to say often hmm

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Thu 16-May-19 10:56:06

I married one. He was fresh out of a marriage and didn’t see his kids. All her fault of course, psycho who stopped him having contact.

I bumped into her in the local shop one day and we arranged for him to start seeing them EOW. Of course the actual parenting was down to me.

I left him when our kids were tiny. Guess how many times he’s seen them since?

He remarried again as soon as we were divorced and now has multiple dc with #3 and according to social media is dad of the year.

Pays the bare minimum in maintenance, after a long fight to get anything. And has zero relationship with any of his older children.

It’s an all too common story I’m afraid. But the common theme is demonising the ex.

gingertesco Thu 16-May-19 10:42:50

Thanks for all the replies. I remember once reading some psychology paper and it said in relationships woman are the moral guiders. That isn't the exact words I'm trying to find it on google, it made sense.

It's selfish to not even attempt to have a relationship with your child but if you're a woman in this kind of relationship it is a moral duty to question and support your partner to be a better man. Especially if you have children of your own. Condoning it like saying "relationships with your own child are a disposable commodity". I certainly would be insisting on having these values in my family or with anyone I took up with.

Also the not terminating a child on the father's demand as excuse for being a deadbeat, have we really sunk this low?

ceirrno Thu 16-May-19 10:36:56

@DulcieRay "I see that actually courts don't just side with mums for no good reason, it's because we are right and, often, the dad doesn't even take it to court or try very hard."

That's such an unfair comment. There are men that fall into that category, but equally there are women that are the ones in the wrong. There are men that fight and fight with everything they have, there are women who do everything they can to prevent the dads having a good relationship, just as much as there are some men that aren't interested and some women that do everything they can to maintain contact.

It is never ever as simple as mums are good and dads are bad. Both women and men can be caring and want the best for their kids, both women and men can be selfish and abusive. Blanket statements and assumptions are never helpful.

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