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Is any woman on here with a partner who is an absent parent by choice?

(78 Posts)
gingertesco Wed 08-May-19 22:56:05

Tell me about these men, are they just spineless or misunderstood?

namechangerrrrrr Wed 08-May-19 23:57:50

What is there to understand?

They fathered a child but don't want to be part of their life and help to raise them...

Spineless, selfish, immoral... They are the polite words.

Lowest of the low and I would not involve myself in any way shape or form with such a twat.

gingertesco Thu 09-May-19 00:50:59

But lots of women do. So how do they justify it?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Thu 09-May-19 23:29:23

Its an interesting question.

Im in a slightly different position my ex husband constantly messes our children around and is still abusive and controlling towards me. Hes done some really really terrible things to me and our children. What i dont understand is that his girlfriend knows about a lot of these things, shes an intelligent mother of 3 herself. Why o why does she love a man who treats the mother of his children so so badly!!

Of course a man choosing to have no contact with his children is dreadful but believe me the devastation a father can have in their children's life and the ex partner can be far far worse. My children would be far better of emotionally with our their father around, sadly.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Thu 09-May-19 23:37:11

Personally i think a lot of men become emotionally detached, when their not living under the same roof as their child it becomes an effort to see them. Unless your dedicated and emotionally invested in your child then i suspect its easy to allow contact to slip. No excuse but add in the animosity that can surround actually seeing your child i suspect it becomes too much hassle.

RubberTreePlant Thu 09-May-19 23:42:49

At least they're more honest than the "My ex is a psycho bitch who has alienated me from the DC with her psycho lies" demographic. Plenty of them.

gingertesco Thu 09-May-19 23:45:06

That's interesting the comments. I agree out of sight out of mind. The new partner/girlfriend if you were a decent kind of woman would you not say "You must do the right thing and I will support you"? Instead these women must enable their actions?

SleepWarrior Thu 09-May-19 23:53:06

I imagine sometimes the women are glad not to have step children to deal with or feel special/superior that any children they have together are the 'favoured' children.
They perhaps haven't followed through on the thought to consider what sort of a person does that, or maybe they don't care either. People are very good at burying things that don't sit right with them and pretending it's not a issue.

AlexaShutUp Thu 09-May-19 23:55:50

I doubt that many admit to their new girlfriends that they are absent by choice. Most of them probably concoct a sob story about how they really wanted to be involved but were denied that opportunity for whatever reason.

And I suspect that many women know but choose to turn a blind eye and accept the explanation at face value.

SusieQwhereareyou Fri 10-May-19 06:53:24

I don’t think it’s the responsibility of his new partner to make my ex be a better parent to our children, and I’m not comfortable with the idea that women who don’t make their exes be better fathers are “enablers” - it’s not their responsibility. Ok you might question why they wouldn’t read something into their character - but they are only seeing and hearing one side of it. I mean, I think my dp is a great, involved, engaged parent to his children but his ex might have lots to say that I don’t know about!

My ex moved hundreds of miles away from his children to be with his new partner. I’m sure he made this sound as reasonable to her as he did to his children. The reality is different of course!

AgentJohnson Fri 10-May-19 07:11:58

But lots of women do. So how do they justify it?

The same way they/ we justify/ make excuses for the poor behaviour of men in general. There’s also an unhealthy competitiveness amongst women than somehow equates the poor behaviour shown towards other women as some sought of confirmation that they are somehow better/ more worthy/ less blah blah blah.

RogersVideo Fri 10-May-19 07:22:11

There was a really interesting thread a while ago discussing a theory that many men only care about children if they are in a relationship with the mother.

There were LOADS of examples of this through the thread. Posters who had good relationships with their dads until their parents divorced, and then their dads stopped engaging completely. Posters who's ex didn't bother with their children, but lived with his new girlfriend and her children and was doing school run, soft play, etc. playing doting dad.

I wish I remember where the thread was.

SnuggyBuggy Fri 10-May-19 07:28:47

I'm guessing many spin a good yarn to their new partners.

I think we are very focused on equality when it comes to men and women as parents but when you look at it there are bound to at least be trends and tendancies in how the sexes respond to different parenting situations.

user1493413286 Fri 10-May-19 07:34:30

I think a lot of women are taken in by the “my ex won’t let me see them” story and “court is too expensive” (it isn’t). I’m yet to come across a man who admits that he just wanted to move on or admits that it was too much effort to go through court and actually be a responsible parent on a regular basis.

user1493413286 Fri 10-May-19 07:38:11

I agree that it’s not the responsibility of the new partner to make their partner a better father but then i wouldn’t have got together with DH if he wasn’t a good dad and I paid attention to how he was towards DSDs mum before we had a child

LonelyTiredandLow Fri 10-May-19 07:46:47

Most of the time the man will tell new woman a lie - his ex was crazy, he never wanted kids, he isn't sure if they are his - just some examples. She feels she is protecting and saving him from evil other woman, he gets extra attention and can have a life of the martyr without having to worry about being a parent.

I do think it will always catch up at some point though. New woman will want kids/see through the childish behaviour/might get an inkling other woman isn't insane etc. Also suspect the men will massively regret not being a part of a child's life when they have a mid-life crisis. Or not if they really are soulless and selfish; takes all sorts!

FrenchyQ Fri 10-May-19 07:48:17

In my case I think it's mainly out of sight out of mind.
I'm presuming that he spun his new woman a line about me stopping him seeing his daughter or that having an absent parent never hurt him!
He's been with her for over 10 years and they have 2 kids now, so she must have believed his lines!

GhostIsAGoodBoi Fri 10-May-19 07:50:21

Fuck knows. I’d like to ask my sisters ex’s girlfriend why she’s just had a baby with a man who has an 8 year old child that he’s never acknowledged and how she has the fucking nerve to be parading said child on social media as “first son” and how his parents have the nerve to be posting photos of said child as “first grandson” NO HE IS NOT

Fairylea Fri 10-May-19 07:53:56

I often wonder what the wife of my ex thinks. He moved to the USA to be with her, leaving behind our then 6 year old dd- we had been separated since she was 6 months old but he always had her every weekend and some weekdays / holidays etc. He’s gone on to have children with the new wife and now hardly ever sees dd - dd is now 16 and in the last 10 years she’s hardly spoken to him. But on paper he is the doting family man - happily married, has 2 children he’s become a stay at home dad to whilst his very high earning business woman wife provides for them all, living in a million dollar house... good luck to them all but I do wonder what she thinks about dd. How ex never seeing dd fits with her perfect family view - I guess out of sight out of mind....!

I’ve always said dd can go and stay with him / never been difficult at all, I have a fantastic relationship with my ex mil and fil and dd regularly goes and stays with them (they’re in the uk).

It’s all strange how people can compartmentalise.

Aimadre Fri 10-May-19 07:57:58

RogersVideo That’s really interesting and from my personal experience doesn’t stop just when offspring are children. My DH’s dad lost all interest in his adult children when he left his wife for another woman. No interest in his grandkids either. But social media shows him being ‘World’s Best Grandad’ to his new wife’s grandkids.

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 10-May-19 08:06:00

As the mother of a child with an absent father, I don't justify it. And my DD doesn't miss what she never had.
I wouldn't change the status quo because I love being a single parent with a DD I can take anywhere in the world without interference. I also love that she has my last name.smile
This might sound cynical or harsh but having read about and seen IRL many a shit father, it's a shame these don't become absent.

Soopermum1 Fri 10-May-19 08:32:37

My ex hasn't seen our DD for over a year. He reasoned it was because I refused to meet him half way for drop offs and pick ups. That meant a train journey into the city, me walking around aimlessly for a few hours, then me taking them home again. I refused, he dug his heels in. He seesDS regularly because he's old enough to get the train himself.

I don't understand why the girlfriend thought this was ok, and she was planning on having kids with him.

I eventually broke the stalemate and now ex is re evaluating his life choices with the help of a therapist.

The girlfriend was immediately dumped, which I was surprised about, as she wasn't the problem as such. She wrote me a vitriolic message saying he was a good man who deserved to see his children so she must have swallowed whatever bullshit he was offering up. She's a bit thick (couldn't even spell his name correctly in the message, and it's not an unusual name, how I laughed at that) so I suspect that's why she didn't question him.

Pinkmonkeybird Fri 10-May-19 09:36:02

I'm the child of an absent father and have to say it affected me for most of my adult life until a few years ago when I realised it wasn't my fault. He is just a very selfish individual...there really is no excuse for it.

BigRedLondonBus Fri 10-May-19 09:38:11

I would have been very interested in reading that thread RogersVideo it’s a shame you don’t remember it.

My ex only wants to see our kids if he is with me, if he isn’t he wants nothing to do with them. He sees them as an extension of me rather than being his kids. My sister described it as him seeing me as a woman he met who has kids, when they are HIS kids. He hasn’t seen them in 2 years and doesn’t pay a penny. This is all his choice. He only ever wanted to see them if he could come to my house and stay over. I know he doesn’t struggle meeting women though so they probably just don’t care that he has abandoned 4 children.

Notcoolmum Fri 10-May-19 09:43:57

I’ve often wondered this and know it would be an instant deal breaker for me. My ex has seen his kids a handful of times in the 12 years we have been separated. Has never paid any maintenance but over the past few years has sent token presents for birthday and christmas. Except this year he didn’t do birthdays.

He has been with his now wife for the majority of the time we have been separated. And she has 2 children. I imagine he painted a picture of me as the evil woman who turned his kids against him and he has taken on the role of doting SD to prove his worth.

It’s always surprised me she hasn’t seen through it. But then I suppose she hasn’t wanted to.

LonelyTiredandLow Fri 10-May-19 11:40:35

I also think it is usually women who haven't had kids who are likely to a) be the target of his new affections b) not fully grasp how hard it should be for him to give up his own flesh and blood.

I don't blame ex's new wife even though she sat in court huffing and puffing every time the Judge asked me a question I just see her as a bit naive.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews Fri 10-May-19 11:43:21

I know a few men ike this with long time, seemingly nice gf. Usually 1) they allow themselves to believe the clear lies about the circumstances of not having contact 2) they are much young and are oblivious to how expensive children are 3) they think it would be totally different circumstances if they were to have children together ..it’s usually not.

pikapikachu Fri 10-May-19 11:46:44

I think that if the new gf doesn't want kids then it might be convenient not to have step kids visit.

I think that a lot of people believe the "she trapped me" story. A surprising number of women here who say that a woman should terminate if the father doesn't want a child and if they have the child then Dad shouldn't be liable for maintenance.

I think that there will be a proportion of new women who don't know. If the man moved away and doesn't disclose the ex's surname then new woman doesn't google and find out. Some of these men will have parents who are happy to lie so they get to see their son and any potential kids that the new couple have.

The biggest number is probably men who lie about being alienated.

A lot of men and women believe that the RP should be running around making the NRP life easier because they get maintenance (which is usually insufficient for raising a child!) They will see failure to do so as alienation rather than laziness by the NRP.

EvilDog Fri 10-May-19 11:53:37

My dp has 2 children who he hadn’t seen for 3 years before I met him (but paid maintenance)
He genuinely thought he was doing the right thing - their mum had moved away, remarried and had another child, and they had a stable home life with a ‘new’ dad and dp thought that that was preferable for them than the upheaval of eow contact and half holidays (they were 1.5 when they split up)
We gradually built contact back up over the years and he now bitterly regrets letting them down by not being in their lives when they needed him.

I can be in a relationship with him as I can see that he thought what he was doing was for the best, realised his awful mistake and did everything he could to try and make up for it. He never did the ‘my ex was a psycho’ narrative and has always praised her parenting to me, the children and to her face.
His dc are almost 15 now and although we’ll never know if it could have been better, their relationship is very strong, to the point where his ds has decided to come and live with us after his GCSEs to do an apprenticeship with his dads business.

lilbitmore Fri 10-May-19 12:01:02

I often wonder what on Earth DDs biological father has told his girlfriend to justify why he hasn't seen DD since she was born. I agree with PP that it's probably a combination of "she trapped me, she's a crazy psycho that won't let me see her". It's probably also a lot easier for them to not have the child from a previous relationship involved, out of sight out of mind kind of thing. Though in my personal opinion if anyone is that stupid and naive they probably deserve what's coming to them. If they've done it once, they're probably going to do it again.

Lifeandbeans Fri 10-May-19 12:01:15

My childrens father is absent by choice.
He said it upset him to much to leave them after he had seen them so he stopped coming.
Initially he saw them. I accepted no maintenance so he could afford to meet us half way , I paid for food and activities while he was with them but it just got shorter times and longer space between visits then stopped altogether.

Both his partners after me knew I wasn't stopping him seeing them and I presume both know he pays no maintenance. (He works cash in hand)

I've never had mouthed him but the children have spent more of their life not seeing him than in contact with him and do not mention him really anymore. In fact a couple of years ago he started asking for address , not because he wanted to come but so he could tell friends and new family where they were. The teens didn't want him to have it.

PerfectPeony2 Fri 10-May-19 12:07:35

I think with my step’mum’ it made her feel superior and that her children were more loved and important. After becoming a Mum myself I just can’t understand how she (or my dad obviously) thought any of their behaviour was acceptable. He never saw us for more than one evening after school a month. We were never good enough to spend the weekend with, she was jealous and didn’t want us there. Funny thing is though he cheated on her and left her for a younger woman.

In the unlikely event DH and I split I would never have another relationship or create a step family/ half sibling situation. I think families these days are so overcomplicated, it’s quite sad.

ILoveMaxiBondi Fri 10-May-19 12:07:51

You’ll be very lucky to finding anyone coming on here saying “my partner is an absent parent by choice because that’s just what he wanted and im fine with that”

In reality it’s a mix of absent parent telling themselves a “justifiable” version of the truth which they share with others and it’s becomes their “story” so all new girlfriends get this story and because theyre horny or desperate they choose to it accept it. For a while anyway. They usually discover more of the truth as they get further into a relationship with absent parent but by then they’re feeling committed and/or have their own child that they don’t want to raise alone so they support the narrative to keep absent parent on their side.

belle40 Fri 10-May-19 12:10:06

My child's father is absent by choice. His new partner (OW) is much younger and horrendously naìve. She was kind enough to tell me that he would never do that to her, he loves her. Very very sad for my young child, especially as he remains close to his 3 older children (from his marriage). The OW was obviously told that I have a MH problem. As difficult as this is for my child, I suspect a life time of being picked up and put down by a manipulative , selfish poisonous man would be worse. I suspect the OW will see the reality when they have a baby together. He is not a good dad or person.

flitwit99 Fri 10-May-19 13:45:47

My DH is a 'mininal' parent to his older kids I would say. Has always had eow and holidays but that's it.

He had a solicitor who gave him bad advice about keeping things calm and non-confrontational which meant that his ex and her shit-hot solicitor walked all over him. He was so fixated on avoiding upsetting anyone that he settled for minimal contact. It was the wrong decision. He should have fought harder.

Then I think you all just settle into a routine of eow and that's that. It becomes normal. You forget what was normal before. It becomes your normal to only see your kids once a fortnight. You forget to ask about the everyday insignificant things that make up someone's life and you drift. Their mum was not forthcoming with information about their daily life or routines, school, clubs. He gave up asking for information because it was so hard to get. The mum told football coaches etc not to tell him anything. He should not have put up with that but because he was trying to be all calm and reasonable he didn't make a fuss and slowly drifted away from all that too. And I think he found it hideously embarrassing to have to beg people for info about his own children, or have to show his passport and the kids birth certificates to prove who he was. That is no excuse though,he should have done it anyway.

I can still be with him because I think he made bad decisions in good faith on the strength of bad advice. He sees that now. But it's not always easy to make good decisions when you're in a bad place. And it was a really stressful place at the time.

At the end of the day though he did still choose to settle for minimum contact when he should have fought for so much more. He was a very involved dad before then. It's very sad for everyone. His kids have definitely suffered. His relationship with them is poor. Yes he kept things calm for them at the time but they have all paid the long term price. They don't talk to him about their life plans, didn't discuss plans for college or anything with him, now they are early 20s he sees them maybe once a month if that. Speaks to them maybe once a fortnight. He tells himself that's normal to make himself better but it's not.

ShatnersWig Fri 10-May-19 13:48:16

I know some women who have done this too, it's not limited to men.

Yoursilentface Fri 10-May-19 16:15:36

Every situation is different and you can't really say "I would never be with an absent father".

Like PP said, some men don't want to rock the boat or play at fathers for justice. So they just go along with what the mum wants. Sometimes both parents move away, move on with their lives and the kids get forgotten. It must be alot harder being a proper dad to kids you only see eow than it is to be dad to kids you live with and I think some men just don't have it in them to fight to keep that relationship going. It's easier to move on. I also think alot of men have a different attachment to their kids than women. And then of course you have fathers that never bonded with the child because they were not in a relationship with the mother when the child was born. Can you really bond with a baby you have never lived with, and if you didn't want the child anyway its probably very easy to walk away.

Fwiw my partner is not a absent dad but based on everything that has gone on with ss mum and the distance they have moved away, I wouldn't judge him if he decided to stop seeing ss, and to be honest I don't care it he sees him or not.

Conversestars2 Fri 10-May-19 16:45:12

I've name changed for this as I might get flamed and it's already a sensitive one for me - my DP found out 4 years after we got together that a ONS just before we met had resulted in a baby, he knew nothing about the child until the child matainence letter arrived. That was two years ago, he pays regular matainence but has been allowed to see the little boy a few times, admits he doesn't " feel like his dad ". I think if he had known from the start and been able to bond, that would make a massive difference. He could do more in terms of contact, I know that, he knows it and I struggle to reconcile with that. It's just abit of a shit situation.

Notcoolmum Wed 15-May-19 14:00:11

Hmm converse he is the kid’s dad though and whilst it’s a shitty situation it’s not of the kid’s making. It’s your bloke’s responsibility to put in the effort to make it work. Even if that is difficult and inconvenient because that child deserves to have 2 parents.

Auellica Wed 15-May-19 14:58:13

Hmmm.

My DP has a son we don’t see. She left when she was 6w pregnant and when the boy was born, she put someone else on the bc. Fast forward 2 years to when he’d met me and she popped up again. Wanted him back blah blah.

Used his son against him as a type of weapon. It amped up when I was pregnant. To the point she verbally abused me in public. In front of her son and my daughters who’d never been exposed to any type of violent behaviour.

We’ve been through hell and back because of her. Had to move house because of her drug fucked behaviour. We had police and child services involved and we still couldn’t get custody.

After the last police involvement and her manic threatening behaviour, he pulled the pin. He’s not prepared to risk our safety. Her family enable her and see us as the evil ones.

So yes, he’s disengaged. But for reasons we’d never ever believed could eventuate.

ceirrno Wed 15-May-19 15:01:41

I suspect it's down to dishonesty- they may be absent by choice, but that won't be the line they've spun to their new partner.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 15-May-19 15:03:52

I work with teenaged mums.

Their exes pretty much all fall under the 'excellent father on Facebook' category.

BelulahBlanca Wed 15-May-19 15:06:54

I totally agree with the theory that men only care about children while they are in a relationship with their mother.

I ended a two year relationship on a Monday, found out I was pregnant on the Thursday. We patched things up, started making plans to buy a place, tell family etc.

I felt so Ill and stressed that I asked if we could take a step back with our romantic relationship (obviously all the problems that had led to me ending it were still there) he didn’t reply to that message and I haven’t heard from him (except via CSA) since.

BelulahBlanca Wed 15-May-19 15:12:52

@Auellica That’s terrible- her selfishness has destroyed that relationship for her son. I hope that bridge can be rebuilt in the future. I guess it was a case of “If I can’t have you no one can” even at the cost of her own son.

ILoveMaxiBondi Wed 15-May-19 15:48:33

Every situation is different and you can't really say "I would never be with an absent father".

Yes you can. Everyone gets to set their own boundaries. There doesn’t have to be a group consensus that you must give a guy a chance.

Yoursilentface Wed 15-May-19 20:08:35

@ILoveMaxiBondi

Ok I'll rephrase that as "it's a bit silly to say you'd never be with an absent father regardless of the situation"

ILoveMaxiBondi Wed 15-May-19 20:26:31

It’s not silly at all. Chances are there are no good reasons for a man not to have any contact with his children. There are lots of other men to date. It’s perfectly sensible to decide that your time and emotional energy is too precious to spend finding out whether a particular man’s reasons are good ones. No-one owes anyone a chance a relationship.

DulcieRay Wed 15-May-19 20:36:57

"I'm going through the court at the moment" is a line I've been told more than once. Usually alongside "my ex is a crazy bitch/man hater."

Y'know what? Maybe i fell for that before, but now I'm the "crazy ex man hater bitch" myself with the court on her side and I see that actually courts don't just side with mums for no good reason, it's because we are right and, often, the dad doesn't even take it to court or try very hard.

If you are not seeing your kid there is usually something you've done to create that. Disinterest, abuse, whatever, it's not normally the status quo unless you have made it so.

Yoursilentface Wed 15-May-19 21:17:57

There are lots of other men to date. It’s perfectly sensible to decide that your time and emotional energy is too precious to spend finding out whether a particular man’s reasons are good ones. No-one owes anyone a chance a relationship.

And who said romance is dead.

ILoveMaxiBondi Wed 15-May-19 21:23:58

It’s nothing to do with romance. We aren’t discussing romance here, we’re discussing the quite serious implications of choosing to commit yourself to a man who doesn’t see, or care for his children. There’s a hell of a lot more to relationships than romance. You may be happy to ignore something so big as long as he buys you flowers but others aren’t.

GirlabouttownxXx Wed 15-May-19 22:51:10

Well said Bondi

SandyY2K Thu 16-May-19 00:06:35

I think this is a good thread. While not the responsibility of a new partner, I don't understand why you wouldn't get concrete proof that he had tried everything to see his kids and not be so gullible as to believe the lies.

I suspect like another pp said...its less hassle than dealing with a SC and an Ex. I believe it's enabling to overlook a man abandoning his DC.

If anyone was abandoned by their father as a child, how has it affected you and how did you get through it?

My friend was one of those, whos dad walked out on her and her 3 brothers, never to look back.

This was 40 odd years ago and she still can't understand it. Its affected her and who she is. She doesn't trust men and she told me this is why she chose never to be with a man and is gay.

I'm also trying to support another friend and he is struggling with...was he such a bad kid that his dad left and that was it.

I'd really like any man who has walked out on his kids to shed some light on why? You've no idea how much this can affect their whole lives and sense of self.

SandyY2K Thu 16-May-19 00:18:48

@Conversestars2

I think it's different with a child you never had a relationship with or knew about. The product of a ONS you find out about 2 years later, will not feel like your DC.

This isn't a case of abandonment.

I may equally get flamed...but if I had a child from a ONS, I wouldn't expect the father to be present and involved, but I would never bring a child into the world in that way.

ceirrno Thu 16-May-19 10:36:56

@DulcieRay "I see that actually courts don't just side with mums for no good reason, it's because we are right and, often, the dad doesn't even take it to court or try very hard."

That's such an unfair comment. There are men that fall into that category, but equally there are women that are the ones in the wrong. There are men that fight and fight with everything they have, there are women who do everything they can to prevent the dads having a good relationship, just as much as there are some men that aren't interested and some women that do everything they can to maintain contact.

It is never ever as simple as mums are good and dads are bad. Both women and men can be caring and want the best for their kids, both women and men can be selfish and abusive. Blanket statements and assumptions are never helpful.

gingertesco Thu 16-May-19 10:42:50

Thanks for all the replies. I remember once reading some psychology paper and it said in relationships woman are the moral guiders. That isn't the exact words I'm trying to find it on google, it made sense.

It's selfish to not even attempt to have a relationship with your child but if you're a woman in this kind of relationship it is a moral duty to question and support your partner to be a better man. Especially if you have children of your own. Condoning it like saying "relationships with your own child are a disposable commodity". I certainly would be insisting on having these values in my family or with anyone I took up with.

Also the not terminating a child on the father's demand as excuse for being a deadbeat, have we really sunk this low?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Thu 16-May-19 10:56:06

I married one. He was fresh out of a marriage and didn’t see his kids. All her fault of course, psycho who stopped him having contact.

I bumped into her in the local shop one day and we arranged for him to start seeing them EOW. Of course the actual parenting was down to me.

I left him when our kids were tiny. Guess how many times he’s seen them since?

He remarried again as soon as we were divorced and now has multiple dc with #3 and according to social media is dad of the year.

Pays the bare minimum in maintenance, after a long fight to get anything. And has zero relationship with any of his older children.

It’s an all too common story I’m afraid. But the common theme is demonising the ex.

DulcieRay Thu 16-May-19 11:01:04

@ceirrno

At no point did I say always or all. I don't think I am being unfair to say often hmm

SandyY2K Thu 16-May-19 11:08:31

if you're a woman in this kind of relationship it is a moral duty to question and support your partner to be a better man.

I agree, but I wouldn't necessarily use the word support. No decent parent should need support to maintain contact and not abandon their child.

If he requires support from a new partner or wife to be in contact and have a relationship with his own children, then he's not worth being with IMO.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 11:17:59

They don't care or are indifferent at best. If the father who is genetically linked to the children isn't bothered, the latest woman on the scene definitely isn't. I see it all the time. Very, very common to hear these women say, 'don't involve me, it's nothing to do with me'. Fine. But it's not for me. I don't find deadbeat dads attractive in the slightest.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Thu 16-May-19 11:49:37

It's not really a difficult question to answer is it? It's the same reason why women get involved with conmen on dating sites who pretend to be working for a MI5, are orphans and have only new friends and then persuade them to give them all their money. Or any other reason that leads women into relationships with men that would otherwise be turned down.

Some men are very slick and persuasive liars. (I really tried contact but she's an evil bitch so I took a decision to stay away until my child is older).
Some men are charismatic conmen.
Some men have so much to offer in terms of financial security that everything else gets overlooked.

Some women are so desperate for a partner they will take any thing.
Some women are gullible.
Some women are gold diggers.

Variety of reasons but the short answer is that anyone will accept a situation that they perceive to be an advantage to them whatever the other issues maybe.

Yoursilentface Thu 16-May-19 11:57:33

if you're a woman in this kind of relationship it is a moral duty to question and support your partner to be a better man

Like fuck is it. Its not my job to make my partner a better man. He is who he is I accept that or walk away. I'm not his mum. That is such woman blaming bullshit. If he's a shit it's his wife's fault.

Scott72 Thu 16-May-19 12:06:19

Most of these men aren't really shits though. The ones who walk out and never or really contact again would be. But where contact just ebbs over time to a few hours a week, I'd say that's an unfortunate natural tendency. It would take a concerted effort from both parents to fight this tendency.

ImNotNigel Thu 16-May-19 12:10:15

OP you sound a lot like you are trying to blame women for men’s neglect and abandonment of their children.

It’s 100% the fault of the fathers. Stop trying to blame shift.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 12:36:51

OP has a point. Whilst I don't agree with blaming women specifically yet again, for men's mistakes, I do think as a society, we should come down harder on shit fathers. To not see/not pay for one's own children should be seen as deviant behaviour as opposed to normal or eye-roll invoking yet tolerated. So that would include the women around the man, and the men also. I'd like to see these men to not be considered as desirable partners and I'd like to see other men challenge them. So instead of sitting at the pub listening to pitiful ramblings such as 'my ex is such a bitch, dossing on social money and now she wants mine as well, I'm not paying for her to get her nails done and she's stopping me from seeing my kid apart from when she wants a babysitter on a weekend and why should I look after the kid just so she can go out and meet other men?' and nodding along in agreement, other men should be saying, 'hold up. It's not strictly true then that you're 'being stopped' from parenting your child then is it? What have you done to ensure you're having equal time? And why are you complaining about her receiving benefits when you're not paying towards raising your own child?'.
Women are always to blame for everything. Ex's are 'crazy obstructive bitches', current partners are 'heartless enablers'. Until everyone's view of waster men is changed, then it will always be acceptable and misogyny will still thrive. In the olden days, laws were based on what is socially deviant. Maybe one day, men will be not only shamed and ostracised for crap parent behaviour, they will also be held legally accountable for shirking their financial responsibilities. (I'm talking jail time, not CSA-style non-enforcement and then closure of claims).

Scott72 Thu 16-May-19 12:46:59

"will also be held legally accountable for shirking their financial responsibilities. (I'm talking jail time"

That's how it works in many states in the U.S. Don't keep up with CS, go to prison.

gingertesco Thu 16-May-19 12:53:42

@ImNotNigel I am not blaming women but we need to set boundaries on appropriate behaviour.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 12:54:40

I can't say the same about many laws in America but I do think that is a good thing as a deterrent more than anything else Scott. Unless they're banging up fathers who literally can't afford to pay.

TheFormidableMrsC Thu 16-May-19 13:03:01

My ex-h is one of these. Was "desperate" to be a father, buggered off to OW when DS was 2.5. Baby now 8 and diagnosed with ASD/SPD. Ex-h had the contact he asked for which was minimal and then emailed school a couple of years ago, over the Xmas holidays, to say he no longer wanted contact and could they let me know hmm. OW has made it clear that me and our son being around is not to her liking. 14 months later, OW's friend discovers that my ex-h has a son. I believe this was embarrassing so they made a contact application suggesting I was guilty of parental alienation. Fortunately court thought otherwise. Ex-h had to jump through hoops to achieve minimal contact. BUT GUESS WHAT?! During court proceedings, they did not disclose that OW had already bought a house 400 miles away and they would be relocating. So my DS will go through the whole abandonment cycle again and I am preparing to go back to court unfortunately. Some people should never be parents. Some women are evil shits. Of course, all of this is my fault for being the "money grabbing sociopathic psycho ex wife" as I am regularly described. Oh and my £22 a week maintenance is the height of greed. I don't know what the answer is other than never breed with a fuckwit.

gingertesco Thu 16-May-19 14:04:31

never breed with a fuckwit

Exactly once you know they have form for child abandonment, do not entertain them. Unless they show and demonstrate complete remorse.

Auellica Thu 16-May-19 14:58:09

As much as women don’t like to admit it, other women can be shitty parents.

Who use children as weapons. Who alienate the father out of spite. Who are so hellbent and bitter, that they get revenge by withholding children.

My stepson is missing out on a huge extended loving family. Because of his mother. Family is my DPs priority. He’s absolutely the best father to our son and my daughters (I share custody of my girls with my ex husband, we’re very lucky that he and my DP hit it off, so no drama)

We pay child support. We look for our stepson all the time. But she moves constantly and when we track her down, she moves again. It’s a deadset nightmare. DP begged me to stop. It kills him every time we got him and then lost him again.

One day that boy will come looking. We rely on that.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 15:06:22

DP begged me to stop.
Enough said. Are you saying his ex uproots her son and herself purely to spite an ex? Consistently putting herself through the stress and instability of moving and starting afresh all over again just to piss off your OH? If a woman was putting herself and her family so much, I'd have to think why.

GoneForFood Thu 16-May-19 15:40:55

Sagradafamiliar

This was my life growing up. My mum moved us somewhere new every time our dad found us. He left her for the OW when she’d just had my younger sister and my mum didn’t want ‘that woman’ meeting or having anything to do with us.

ILoveMaxiBondi Thu 16-May-19 15:49:32

It must have cost her an absolute fortune gone! I’ve just moved and between moving costs and purchasing appliances, changing my address on car insurance, Royal Mail redirection, And time off work etc I’m out about a grand. I’m guessing your mum had to leave her job every time too? Buy new school uniforms for you?

GoneForFood Thu 16-May-19 16:07:55

ILoveMaxiBondi

I’ve never really thought about it that way to be honest. We always lived in council housing so must have been done through them - this was early to mid 80s so I’m guessing it was a lot easier to ask for and be moved by them back then. Plus it wasn’t like it is now- I’m writing ‘every time he found us’ but it was maybe 4/5 times in 8 years as there was no internet or records (I suspect my grandad used to eventually tell him where we was but not 100% on that)

We just did quite big move last year (200 miles) and it cost an absolute fortune once you add up all the niggly bits!

Sagradafamiliar Thu 16-May-19 16:22:02

I can't imagine anyone wanting to live like that. The 'payoff' of getting one up on an ex just doesn't seem worth it.

FlippFlop Thu 16-May-19 16:26:06

I know women who do the very same thing..

GoneForFood Thu 16-May-19 16:27:39

Want to add that my dad was no angel in all of this - his new wife (they’re still together) couldn’t have children and he made it clear that he wanted us to to think of her as our 2nd mum. He did rub it in my mums face all the time. We re established contact at about 11/12 (when my mum got remarried) and then when my mum wouldn’t invite his new wife to my sisters 13th birthday party he tried to get us to choose between her and our mum - he gave us £50 each to say we wanted his new wife at the party! I’ve seen all the court papers, they were both as bad as each other really.

Another classic case of the parents tit for tatting instead of putting the kids first.

Genuinely why I’ve built up a friendly relationship with dhs ex wife so the kids don’t get stuck in the middle.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-May-19 16:38:56

My ExH moved abroad and lived off grid.
I tried to facilitate but he just wasn't interested.
His DD really does not like him now.
She doesn't talk to him.
That's his loss!

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