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Is any woman on here with a partner who is an absent parent by choice?

(78 Posts)
gingertesco Wed 08-May-19 22:56:05

Tell me about these men, are they just spineless or misunderstood?

namechangerrrrrr Wed 08-May-19 23:57:50

What is there to understand?

They fathered a child but don't want to be part of their life and help to raise them...

Spineless, selfish, immoral... They are the polite words.

Lowest of the low and I would not involve myself in any way shape or form with such a twat.

gingertesco Thu 09-May-19 00:50:59

But lots of women do. So how do they justify it?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Thu 09-May-19 23:29:23

Its an interesting question.

Im in a slightly different position my ex husband constantly messes our children around and is still abusive and controlling towards me. Hes done some really really terrible things to me and our children. What i dont understand is that his girlfriend knows about a lot of these things, shes an intelligent mother of 3 herself. Why o why does she love a man who treats the mother of his children so so badly!!

Of course a man choosing to have no contact with his children is dreadful but believe me the devastation a father can have in their children's life and the ex partner can be far far worse. My children would be far better of emotionally with our their father around, sadly.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Thu 09-May-19 23:37:11

Personally i think a lot of men become emotionally detached, when their not living under the same roof as their child it becomes an effort to see them. Unless your dedicated and emotionally invested in your child then i suspect its easy to allow contact to slip. No excuse but add in the animosity that can surround actually seeing your child i suspect it becomes too much hassle.

RubberTreePlant Thu 09-May-19 23:42:49

At least they're more honest than the "My ex is a psycho bitch who has alienated me from the DC with her psycho lies" demographic. Plenty of them.

gingertesco Thu 09-May-19 23:45:06

That's interesting the comments. I agree out of sight out of mind. The new partner/girlfriend if you were a decent kind of woman would you not say "You must do the right thing and I will support you"? Instead these women must enable their actions?

SleepWarrior Thu 09-May-19 23:53:06

I imagine sometimes the women are glad not to have step children to deal with or feel special/superior that any children they have together are the 'favoured' children.
They perhaps haven't followed through on the thought to consider what sort of a person does that, or maybe they don't care either. People are very good at burying things that don't sit right with them and pretending it's not a issue.

AlexaShutUp Thu 09-May-19 23:55:50

I doubt that many admit to their new girlfriends that they are absent by choice. Most of them probably concoct a sob story about how they really wanted to be involved but were denied that opportunity for whatever reason.

And I suspect that many women know but choose to turn a blind eye and accept the explanation at face value.

SusieQwhereareyou Fri 10-May-19 06:53:24

I don’t think it’s the responsibility of his new partner to make my ex be a better parent to our children, and I’m not comfortable with the idea that women who don’t make their exes be better fathers are “enablers” - it’s not their responsibility. Ok you might question why they wouldn’t read something into their character - but they are only seeing and hearing one side of it. I mean, I think my dp is a great, involved, engaged parent to his children but his ex might have lots to say that I don’t know about!

My ex moved hundreds of miles away from his children to be with his new partner. I’m sure he made this sound as reasonable to her as he did to his children. The reality is different of course!

AgentJohnson Fri 10-May-19 07:11:58

But lots of women do. So how do they justify it?

The same way they/ we justify/ make excuses for the poor behaviour of men in general. There’s also an unhealthy competitiveness amongst women than somehow equates the poor behaviour shown towards other women as some sought of confirmation that they are somehow better/ more worthy/ less blah blah blah.

RogersVideo Fri 10-May-19 07:22:11

There was a really interesting thread a while ago discussing a theory that many men only care about children if they are in a relationship with the mother.

There were LOADS of examples of this through the thread. Posters who had good relationships with their dads until their parents divorced, and then their dads stopped engaging completely. Posters who's ex didn't bother with their children, but lived with his new girlfriend and her children and was doing school run, soft play, etc. playing doting dad.

I wish I remember where the thread was.

SnuggyBuggy Fri 10-May-19 07:28:47

I'm guessing many spin a good yarn to their new partners.

I think we are very focused on equality when it comes to men and women as parents but when you look at it there are bound to at least be trends and tendancies in how the sexes respond to different parenting situations.

user1493413286 Fri 10-May-19 07:34:30

I think a lot of women are taken in by the “my ex won’t let me see them” story and “court is too expensive” (it isn’t). I’m yet to come across a man who admits that he just wanted to move on or admits that it was too much effort to go through court and actually be a responsible parent on a regular basis.

user1493413286 Fri 10-May-19 07:38:11

I agree that it’s not the responsibility of the new partner to make their partner a better father but then i wouldn’t have got together with DH if he wasn’t a good dad and I paid attention to how he was towards DSDs mum before we had a child

LonelyTiredandLow Fri 10-May-19 07:46:47

Most of the time the man will tell new woman a lie - his ex was crazy, he never wanted kids, he isn't sure if they are his - just some examples. She feels she is protecting and saving him from evil other woman, he gets extra attention and can have a life of the martyr without having to worry about being a parent.

I do think it will always catch up at some point though. New woman will want kids/see through the childish behaviour/might get an inkling other woman isn't insane etc. Also suspect the men will massively regret not being a part of a child's life when they have a mid-life crisis. Or not if they really are soulless and selfish; takes all sorts!

FrenchyQ Fri 10-May-19 07:48:17

In my case I think it's mainly out of sight out of mind.
I'm presuming that he spun his new woman a line about me stopping him seeing his daughter or that having an absent parent never hurt him!
He's been with her for over 10 years and they have 2 kids now, so she must have believed his lines!

GhostIsAGoodBoi Fri 10-May-19 07:50:21

Fuck knows. I’d like to ask my sisters ex’s girlfriend why she’s just had a baby with a man who has an 8 year old child that he’s never acknowledged and how she has the fucking nerve to be parading said child on social media as “first son” and how his parents have the nerve to be posting photos of said child as “first grandson” NO HE IS NOT

Fairylea Fri 10-May-19 07:53:56

I often wonder what the wife of my ex thinks. He moved to the USA to be with her, leaving behind our then 6 year old dd- we had been separated since she was 6 months old but he always had her every weekend and some weekdays / holidays etc. He’s gone on to have children with the new wife and now hardly ever sees dd - dd is now 16 and in the last 10 years she’s hardly spoken to him. But on paper he is the doting family man - happily married, has 2 children he’s become a stay at home dad to whilst his very high earning business woman wife provides for them all, living in a million dollar house... good luck to them all but I do wonder what she thinks about dd. How ex never seeing dd fits with her perfect family view - I guess out of sight out of mind....!

I’ve always said dd can go and stay with him / never been difficult at all, I have a fantastic relationship with my ex mil and fil and dd regularly goes and stays with them (they’re in the uk).

It’s all strange how people can compartmentalise.

Aimadre Fri 10-May-19 07:57:58

RogersVideo That’s really interesting and from my personal experience doesn’t stop just when offspring are children. My DH’s dad lost all interest in his adult children when he left his wife for another woman. No interest in his grandkids either. But social media shows him being ‘World’s Best Grandad’ to his new wife’s grandkids.

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 10-May-19 08:06:00

As the mother of a child with an absent father, I don't justify it. And my DD doesn't miss what she never had.
I wouldn't change the status quo because I love being a single parent with a DD I can take anywhere in the world without interference. I also love that she has my last name.smile
This might sound cynical or harsh but having read about and seen IRL many a shit father, it's a shame these don't become absent.

Soopermum1 Fri 10-May-19 08:32:37

My ex hasn't seen our DD for over a year. He reasoned it was because I refused to meet him half way for drop offs and pick ups. That meant a train journey into the city, me walking around aimlessly for a few hours, then me taking them home again. I refused, he dug his heels in. He seesDS regularly because he's old enough to get the train himself.

I don't understand why the girlfriend thought this was ok, and she was planning on having kids with him.

I eventually broke the stalemate and now ex is re evaluating his life choices with the help of a therapist.

The girlfriend was immediately dumped, which I was surprised about, as she wasn't the problem as such. She wrote me a vitriolic message saying he was a good man who deserved to see his children so she must have swallowed whatever bullshit he was offering up. She's a bit thick (couldn't even spell his name correctly in the message, and it's not an unusual name, how I laughed at that) so I suspect that's why she didn't question him.

Pinkmonkeybird Fri 10-May-19 09:36:02

I'm the child of an absent father and have to say it affected me for most of my adult life until a few years ago when I realised it wasn't my fault. He is just a very selfish individual...there really is no excuse for it.

BigRedLondonBus Fri 10-May-19 09:38:11

I would have been very interested in reading that thread RogersVideo it’s a shame you don’t remember it.

My ex only wants to see our kids if he is with me, if he isn’t he wants nothing to do with them. He sees them as an extension of me rather than being his kids. My sister described it as him seeing me as a woman he met who has kids, when they are HIS kids. He hasn’t seen them in 2 years and doesn’t pay a penny. This is all his choice. He only ever wanted to see them if he could come to my house and stay over. I know he doesn’t struggle meeting women though so they probably just don’t care that he has abandoned 4 children.

Notcoolmum Fri 10-May-19 09:43:57

I’ve often wondered this and know it would be an instant deal breaker for me. My ex has seen his kids a handful of times in the 12 years we have been separated. Has never paid any maintenance but over the past few years has sent token presents for birthday and christmas. Except this year he didn’t do birthdays.

He has been with his now wife for the majority of the time we have been separated. And she has 2 children. I imagine he painted a picture of me as the evil woman who turned his kids against him and he has taken on the role of doting SD to prove his worth.

It’s always surprised me she hasn’t seen through it. But then I suppose she hasn’t wanted to.

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