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Please can I (finally) ask for help.

(471 Posts)
WoodforTrees Mon 06-May-19 16:51:38

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

2. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

3. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

4. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.


I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing sad

chipshopElvis Sat 06-Jul-19 16:48:19

No need to have made any progress OP, no pressure. Hope you're ok.

Whoopstheregomyinsides Mon 01-Jul-19 02:56:58

I hope she is ok - heartbreaking to read.

Moondancer73 Sun 30-Jun-19 23:54:04

@mossyroundhill I check in occasionally, hoping that she has updated and is going ok. If you are reading OP and have a few seconds let us know how you are doing

mossyroundhill Sat 29-Jun-19 10:26:23

Just to add, I don't mean it in a way that she is obliged to keep us informed of how she's getting on, the thread has obviously been a place for her to have an outlet and some support and not for the benefit of anyone else. Just that I'm sure I'm not the only one who hopes that she's safe right now.

mossyroundhill Sat 29-Jun-19 10:24:30

Has anyone heard from OP? I know there may be several reasons why she may not be posting but I'm sure there's a lot of people hoping that she's ok.

MindfulMummy Wed 26-Jun-19 08:07:17

I have just read this whole thread.... Bless your heart OP - sending you love and strength.

Has anyone heard that she is safe recently? This thread has clearly resonated with lots of people and has been an amazing source of support and advice. I'm sure there are lots of us who would appreciate knowing she is okay. No need for any details if difficult to provide.

notapizzaeater Tue 25-Jun-19 22:21:00

Reading this sent a chill through me, hope you are ok.

motherofcats81 Tue 25-Jun-19 22:14:53

Me too OP, think of you often, hope you are ok xxx

RonnieOnions Tue 25-Jun-19 22:00:12

@WoodforTrees several of us are checking in with you, hope you’re ok.

mossyroundhill Tue 25-Jun-19 21:30:35

Just read this whole thread in one go. Well done, OP, you are doing fantastically. I just want to add my voice to everyone else who is rooting for you and sending love and well wishes.
I really hope that by now you are out and somewhere safe. You are immensely brave. flowers

hennythe100footbird Tue 25-Jun-19 21:22:08

Just checking in OP, hope you are well x

Leatherflamingle Tue 25-Jun-19 19:41:49

Hope you’re ok op x

PhoenixT Tue 11-Jun-19 17:57:13

Please Google for charities and help for victims of DV. Contact your nearest DV unit who can advise you of places that can help you financially to get plumbing sorted. They are rarely advertised but are out there.
This man is clearly a Narcissist. They are a breed of their own. It's a disorder that can't be changed. Parts of their brain function differently to normal people. They have zero boundaries, whether its finances, violence, the law, sex etc etc. They feel they are entitled to whatever they want, so for your safety and sanity you have to leave. You already know this. wink
There is help out there for DV victims (something I wish I knew when I was in your position), so hunt them out. A DV unit can help in lots of ways and in secret and will ask if it's safe to call you at certain times or write to you at certain addresses etc. Anyone who's been the victim of a Narcissist has had to lead a double life because we feel ashamed of what we've allowed to happen to us. You don't need to feel ashamed anymore. You've done nothing to be ashamed of.
Time to take your life back. wink

ThePerturbedPenguin Tue 11-Jun-19 17:44:27

Just checking in. We’re still here smile

mrssunshinexxx Sun 09-Jun-19 08:27:18

I just read this whole thread and my heart goes out to you

Please leave op

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Sat 08-Jun-19 22:02:45

Hi @hellenbackagen - hope you don't mind the @ but just thought both the Silent Service and the text 999 service on the attached pics might be worth dropping on this thread for WoodForTrees (<hi and big hugs Wood>) . Can you please confirm they're both still services that are currently in operation? (hope you don't ever have to use either Wood) Thanks x

Absolutepowercorrupts Sat 08-Jun-19 20:16:33

KoKo flowers
Wishing you well Woodfortrees

Whatthefunk Sat 08-Jun-19 17:59:08

Op. I've just read the full thread, and transported back, to childhood. My Df was exactly the same, as your Dh. (With a little physical abuse thrown in) My Dsis and I, witnessed years, of him humiliating and abusing our beloved Dm. Eventually she told a friend, and we were all rescued, in middle of the night. In time, he was made to leave, the family home and we returned. Wishing you strength and peace. X

Charley34 Sat 08-Jun-19 17:03:15

Hi OP I do hope you are well (as can be) I've just read the whole thread I cried my eyes out as I've been the DD in this and it's awful you're so brave keep looking forward for yourself and your DC YOU WONT REGRET IT!!! XX

ThePerturbedPenguin Sat 08-Jun-19 16:11:38

Still here flowers

chocolateandpinkgin Wed 05-Jun-19 18:12:12

Hope you're doing OK, OP x

ThePerturbedPenguin Sat 01-Jun-19 15:42:19

Just checking in flowers Hope you’re ok.

MadeForThis Thu 30-May-19 14:41:58

Everyone here cares about you. Small steps can go a long way. You'll get there. Stay safe x

ChristmasCalamity Thu 30-May-19 13:53:32

Still here too flowers
Eleven years sad

tkband3 Thu 30-May-19 09:39:43

I check this thread every day, just to see how you're getting on. You must move at the pace that you feel comfortable with - never feel the need to apologise for that.

I would echo a PP to get your friend to be careful with phoning your husband too much. He might get suspicious which could make things worse. A cover story would be a great idea to explain why she's in contact so much.

Take good care of yourself and your DC and we are all here for you when you need us flowers.

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