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If you split from your partner, did your In-laws help you after the split.

(123 Posts)
florentina1 Sun 05-May-19 13:30:07

Sorry if this is an obscure title but I am all over the place. My son has told me that he and his wife are separating, I love them both so much and I have a good relationship with my DiL There is no-one else involved. I am devastated but I know I have to put that to one side and concentrate on them.

I will phone my DiL in a few days, but any advice from you own experiences will be so helpful.

user1479305498 Sun 23-Jun-19 17:52:56

Op, please try and stay friendly with your DIL, you only have to read the posts on here to see how hurtful it is when in laws just vanish— often I think it’s embarrassment, but it doesn’t have to be that way, marriages break up but friendships don’t need to if no one has been an utter arse. I was very hurt when my ex in laws 30 years ago just treated me as if I had never existed, especially as I had been kind and helpful when they split just before we did

florentina1 Sun 23-Jun-19 17:42:32

Thank you BeanoBrown

BeanoBrown Sun 23-Jun-19 17:11:45

I was thinking about you recently op and wondering if you had managed to keep in touch, I'm pleased to read your update. Splitting up is horrible thing to go through and very emotional for everyone involved in both families, I remember the early days were full of such raw emotion like the whole world had turned upside down, I think you sound like an excellent in-law and I expect you are feeling the emotions of your DiL, your GC and your son so there will be some awkwardness as you are seeing it from all sides. There will be so much for them to sort out, access, money, etc it will be a difficult time for you all, in time I'm sure you'll find peace with both of them.

florentina1 Sun 23-Jun-19 14:44:13

I have just come back to give an update as I was so grateful for all your help. We have met a few times and keep in touch by text in-between. In a strange way my DiL and I have become closer than we were before, it is still a bit awkward sometimes, as we are still finding our way through this new situation. What has surprised me is that I feel awkward around my son now too, but I guess this will pass in time.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 16-May-19 16:54:32

Currently separating after 15 years together and my MIL isn't taking sides - she thinks both of us have done our best and understands both our flaws. She's said that as long as I don't badmouth my husband (suspected ASD) I'll always be welcome.

She gave me a from-the-heart hug the other day and I almost cried.

I hope it continues, she can -realy really- drops some clangers but she has a heart of gold and she was a tower of support during two bad pregnancies. I love her.

Greeceboys2019 Thu 16-May-19 13:18:19

My ex MIL always helps me out still with my son, having him overnight and I go over for dinner etc occasionally. My current partners mum still helps out her ex daughter in law having the children every Friday for a sleepover, giving the ex wife money, going on days out together with the kids. Personally I feel so as much as your comfortable with. For me I really appreciated the help with the kids still and still being included in things. I have a baby shower to go to with my ex sister in law and my ex husbands new fiancée will be there too.

outvoid Thu 16-May-19 13:03:32

Nah but my exMIL wasn’t my biggest champion anyway for very little reason so I was glad to see the back of her if I’m being totally honest.

florentina1 Thu 16-May-19 08:29:02

Millay on, Afternoon tea is a great idea

Millyanon Thu 16-May-19 08:19:39

My first MIL stopped all contact immediately when my ex and I separated. As it became clear over the years it was mutual and amicable, and he was and is as close as any brother could be, I've made it back onto the Christmas card list.

Second ex - his mother blocked all contact as soon as he left after beating me up in front of our children. She hasn't had anything to do with me or the children in years, not that she was that involved before.

Florentina1, you sound very considerate and lovely. Good luck! Depending on age and what they like, a show gives you something to talk about... And means you don't have to talk all the time. And I love afternoon tea when it's a girls day.

florentina1 Wed 15-May-19 17:50:52

HappyBunny I do think I understand what you mean. It is early days yet and, who knows, as time moves on, either of them might find a new partner. I expect that will be another difficult bridge to cross. My son would not be happy if we cut her out of our lives, which we would never do. Apart from being the mother of the GC she is a nice person.

ravenmum Wed 15-May-19 17:41:20

By staying in touch and having ‘girly days out’ you will make it more difficult for your son with any new partner he finds
How do you mean, happybunny?

happybunny007 Wed 15-May-19 17:36:42

Mine didn’t because of course their loyalty lay with their son.

By staying in touch and having ‘girly days out’ you will make it more difficult for your son with any new partner he finds.

StrongerThanIThought76 Wed 15-May-19 16:33:34

I've not spoken to either of my pil or the wider family since I moved out of the former matrimonial home 10 years ago - exfil threatened me as I got in the car that he'd always have an eye an me so I should always be looking over my shoulder. Cunt.

They've hardly seen the kids in all that time either - exh is a narc who only sees the kids twice a year so spending time with his parents is not a priority.

florentina1 Wed 15-May-19 09:16:02

I just wanted to say a quick thank you again for all the advice you gave me. We met up and we chatted for 2 hours. We have agreed to meet up again and my DDs suggested a Girls day out with the 4 of us. We really need to do something to occupy us so that we don’t talk about the break-up. We are in London so any suggestions of something to do that won’t make us look like we are desperate.

Catsrus Sat 11-May-19 13:46:04

I'm close to my ex MiL (married 25yrs divorced 9). See her v regularly - usually spend Xmas together. She's an amazing GM and was a very supportive MIL. I've been included in lots of their "family " events, weddings, big birthdays etc. Still see SIL too.

If they can keep the divorce amicable then it's easier to maintain relationships. The first few months / years are hardest. I never took offence at not being invited to events if ex and his DW were going to there.

Now we are well beyond that exMIL invited us all to a big birthday dinner about 3-4 yrs ago and new wife and I met for the first time and got on really well.

Much shock from some family members, but on balance I'm very happy she's married to him now and not me - and she sees that. New wife and I dealt with an emergency re one of my DC - when ex was out of the country - and she was amazing.

A bit of a tangent sorry - but don't be surprised if another partner suddenly emerges from the woodwork - Channel your inner diplomat and maintain friendly relations. You can listen to rants sympathetically without taking sides. Grit your teeth if you have to and you really can come through this with all important relationships intact.

My exMIL says we are closer now than we were when I was married - which I think is true. But it has involved an awful lot of biting of tongues to get to where we wanted to be. For me, a big part of my decision making around the divorce was making sure I kept those important relationships. I don't have strong family connections on my side. Siblings in other countries, parents dead, no extended family.

Good luck

Strongecoffeeismydrug Sat 11-May-19 13:08:00

Can't stand my mil she actively encouraged my not so dear husband to have an affair with her best friend!
Apparently I'm too boring for him as I stay at home all the time to look after our severely disabled child and he should have fun when he's not working!
Pure fecking evil old witch 😡

ncforthis19 Sat 11-May-19 08:24:39

NC for this.

This happened to me. My ds left because he was unhappy and DIL who I love was devastated. They have two dcs.

I had to support him because he didn't have anyone else but I put some boundaries in place - I couldn't listen to how awful he was etc., but kept in touch with DIL, and we made it through eventually.

Meanwhile, I supported him by emphasising that his duties as a father hadn't ceased and he needed to be there emotionally and also financially support the kids, and he did.

DIL and I had previously discussed what would happen before as our relationship also crossed professional boundaries which helped, but more than that i saw, and see, her as family.

It was awful at the time, and I understand how you feel.

You are doing the right thing - in a year's time, all this will be over, and you will still have a relationship with the DIL and the GDCs, which is good for everyone.

floraloctopus Sat 11-May-19 07:32:44

No, none but that suited me as the DCs didn't like seeing them. No contact whatsoever but that suited me as they have two daughters as well as a son and the daughters are both NC with them.

Babynut1 Sat 11-May-19 07:26:12

When my uncle and his wife split about 25 years ago, my Nan has remained good friends with his ex wife. My uncles ex walked out as she was unhappy. But my Nan has always stayed close to her because she is the mother of her grandchildren and always will be.
My aunt has remarried and gets on well with her husband.
I think it’s all worked out well all round. My uncle is also on friendly terms with his ex wife despite the kids being in their 30s now.
Be there for her and support her too.

confusedat30 Sat 11-May-19 01:06:40

No unfortunately they have not helped. (10 years 3 kids together) they don't even say hello or good bye to me if they ever come to pick up or drop off kids. ExMiL doesn't even get out of the car. They hate me. For leaving their son, even though they know what he put me through. To them image is more important and I am the devil. It's a shame. My mum is still very pleasant and helpful to my ex and cares for him. You sound like a lovely mother in law. Don't feel bad for loving your DiL xxx

Ex28 Sat 11-May-19 00:37:21

My exMIL is amazing. ExFIL too. So grateful that they kept in contact with me.

Fere Sat 11-May-19 00:34:16

My ex cheated on me, all his siblings and FIL said that they see me as their family and they want to see.me as often as before I separated from their brother. MIL has already been suffering from dementia and she didn't know we separated. It was fine by me.
I spent all Christmases with my kids together with them. My partner spends his with his elderly dad but is invited to all family celebrations with me (we don't live together).
I think it's importand to hear from in laws that the relationships are going to carry on and you mean it. There are many examples of what other families did and you choose what suits your situation.

HennyPennyHorror Sat 11-May-19 00:33:31

I trust and know that my MIL would offer me her full support. We had a rocky start but both got over it and now love one another.

She's wonderful and we've both said if DH and I ever split (DH and I had some hard times a few years ago due to mental illness) that she would fully be there for me and I for her.

In fact, if I left DH and had nowhere to go, I could turn up at hers and move in. My Mum is in another country and MIL is the closest thing I have here. I love her and feel lucky to have her.

Slimerecipehell Sat 11-May-19 00:00:14

I initially confided in my now exmil about the exh affair and they were brilliant about it all. At one point she actually said ‘you were always too good for him!’
Over the next couple of years I saw them less and I think the loyalty kicks in as at the end of the day he is their flesh and blood.
Fast forward a good few years both ex pil provide childcare for me and we have a lovely relationship which ultimately is for the benefit and well being of my children.

Nanamilly Fri 10-May-19 22:03:20

That’s great to hear Flora.

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