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If you split from your partner, did your In-laws help you after the split.

(123 Posts)
florentina1 Sun 05-May-19 13:30:07

Sorry if this is an obscure title but I am all over the place. My son has told me that he and his wife are separating, I love them both so much and I have a good relationship with my DiL There is no-one else involved. I am devastated but I know I have to put that to one side and concentrate on them.

I will phone my DiL in a few days, but any advice from you own experiences will be so helpful.

popcorn321 Sun 05-May-19 13:39:17

Mine didn't. MIL called me once after a few days. My sil texted. I was heartbroken at their la k of compassion care love (2DC) please don't leave it so long. I get that you're probably trying not to interfere and that's sensitive of you and lovely. But please please don't abandon her or let her feel abandoned. You sound lovely btw. (NC for this)

Madamedeluxe Sun 05-May-19 13:41:27

My mil called round once a week after we split then I never heard from her again which I have been hurt by. I think you should ring her and offer your support although I appreciate it would be hard to get right.

Madamedeluxe Sun 05-May-19 13:42:17

That’s unclear sorry - she called round once only.

nrpmum Sun 05-May-19 13:42:44

Mil did not, no. You sound lovely. Please do keep in touch with her.

Madbengalmum Sun 05-May-19 13:44:19

Never heard anything from mil, very sad, as i thought we had a decent relationship.

LittleCandle Sun 05-May-19 13:44:48

FIL was already dead. MIL had dementia and didn't know who anyone was. SIL pretended I didn't exist and her daughter became even more of a condescending cow than she had been before, and that is saying something! His cousins were very good at spreading the truth around, not the sanitised version he fed everyone, claiming he had no idea why we'd split.

KylieKoKo Sun 05-May-19 13:52:03

In a lot of cases I think gps stay in touch with exes and are hostile to new partners even if they met well after the split.

I think you should call her and let her know you're still there for the children. One thing to note is that there are probably a lot of things that you don't know about the split - you say there is no one else but I don't think either of them would disclose it to you if there was. Also I think you need to be aware that your son might be uncomfortable if you appear to favour dil over him.

Birdie6 Sun 05-May-19 13:54:57

No, they just drifted away. One SIL remained fairly friendly - she works at my DC school so I saw her sometimes and she was always pleasant. But the others just didn't keep up any contact. It didn't really bother me - my own family were supportive and I didn't need anyone else.

Oldbutstillgotit Sun 05-May-19 14:09:11

As soon as exh and I separated, I never saw PIL again. No cards , gifts contact with DC either .

florentina1 Sun 05-May-19 14:11:45

I wonder if there is anything that MiLs did that really helped. . She only has one other person in her life so I really think she will need support. She is very close to all of my other children so I know they won’t abandon her. Those of you who did not feel supported, may I ask what you would have liked to have happened. We are not the type of family to take sides and, from past experience, they will not criticise each other to us.

Longtalljosie Sun 05-May-19 14:16:34

I think just a quick text saying that you won’t stop viewing her as family and you’re so sorry to hear the news.

Mistybee Sun 05-May-19 14:19:18

My (late) MIL walked me down the aisle when I married her son

When my FIL was dying, I was there every day 9.30-2.30 making sure they were both ok

When her son told her we were getting divorced, she stopped talking to me

I felt so hurt

Springerspaniel88 Sun 05-May-19 14:21:07

I think it's nice to be supportive towards your DIL just don't push your son away in the process. My DH's parents have always been so over the top in supposedly supporting his ex that they made it very clear they were siding with her and pushed him away in the process. It was a mutual split his ex was just very bitter when he met someone else and his parents clearly didn't like it either. My DH's parents actually went as far as to invite ex DIL to family events instead of their son or us as a couple. We have a child together now who they don't see as a result of being so intent on supporting the ex when actually there was no need to take sides like they did.

rejected2012 Sun 05-May-19 14:37:28

In this scenario, I am an ex whose in-laws have sided with . He left me for OW when I was pregnant. Admittedly I was angry at the time but I never said anything to them but EX's family have completely sided with me it's actually uncomfortable and suffocating. This has meant that ex is not involved with DS because his DW is not comfortable with him seeing our DS without son and it's all about of a mess . I feel responsible for the rift in that family and because of it my DS has never met his dad nor his other sibling and it's making me really sad . I don't want to stop my DS from having a relationship with them but ex says it's my fault he and his wife and kids aren't welcome in his family. It's all a big mess really .
Like pp said , @florentina1 support your son without feeling the need to take sides .

rememberatime Sun 05-May-19 14:44:07

My ex MIL was amazing. I have no family in this country, so she helped me a lot (even though the split was my idea). She took me places, helped me move and still sees me at least every month. We have worked hard to maintain a relationship. I even see her on Xmas day. we just avoid talking about her son... and she's ok with that.

1moreRep Sun 05-May-19 14:51:29

op my ex dp has no parents so my mum helps him with child care. i have no problem with this whatsoever as my exdp is a wonderful person and we are kind to each other.

i would send a text and offer help with childcare etc

MillicentMartha Sun 05-May-19 14:52:38

My exFIL sent me birthday cards with a cheque and Christmas cards until he died. He was a lovely, old fashioned gent. I didn’t see him again as my exH hated the fact that he had any contact with me. My exBIL sends Christmas cards and sends my DSs birthday cards to my house. I’d known him longer than I’d known exH and was FB friends etc, but exH asked him to defriend me as ‘it upset his new wife,’ (the OW.) I haven’t seen him in 8 years.

My family didn’t contact exH again. But he’d been the one to have an affair and leave so they were looking after me. They only knew him through me.

Napssavelives Sun 05-May-19 14:53:48

My husband walked out when I was pregnant, already have 2dc together. Not once have my in-laws asked if I’m ok, asked about the baby or my children. They are pretending it isn’t happening.

Madamedeluxe Sun 05-May-19 15:02:04

I would have loved ex mil and fil to have continued to see the dc through me even if it was just occasionally taking them to the park or for tea as exh went through long periods of not seeing the children at all.

We had a messy divorce and fil once told me he didn’t approve of his son’s actions but it was hard for him to get involved. I understood and was glad he said that as mil disappeared.

florentina1 Sun 05-May-19 15:29:33

Thank you all for the comments. There are lots of things to think about. It is a fine line and of course I want to be the best for both of them and just don’t know what that is.

Maybe83 Sun 05-May-19 15:35:33

Yes my ex mother stayed in contact.

She actually paid me his maintenance when he walked out and left me completely fucked with dd. Over the years as dd has grown older and I am in a new relationship it has tapered out. But she always always is there for dd. I know I could ring her if I needed help.

Texts me for xmas my birthday and other special events during the year.

My MIL gets on with all of her children's ex and stays in contact. Her position is they are her grandchildren mother and anything she can do to help she will. She also gets on with current partners. Shes a pretty special person I think. I got lucky with both of my MIL experiences.

funnylittlefloozie Sun 05-May-19 15:36:29

Like Oldbutstillgotit , i never heard another word from my ILs after exH and i split up. Not even a Christmas card, and interestingly, nothing for DD, either. I dont know when my ex-MIL last sent her a birthday card. ExH never bothers taking her to see them either. The whole lot of them arent worth a second of my time.

SimplyPut Sun 05-May-19 15:42:46

My Pil attended their ex DIl's second wedding. Fil walked her down the isle.

She sends them Mother's and Father's Day cards etc. Still very close considering bil and ex sil divorced 24 years ago.

ScreamingLadySutch Sun 05-May-19 15:42:50

Florentina I think you will find that there is someone else.

Dr Frank Pittman (an infidelity expert) said that in 30 years of therapy he only met 3 men who left to be on their own...

So what will you do then? Because that would be hard. I am afraid I hate cheating and betrayal so much that I could not be neutral. I would tell the cheater clearly that their behaviour was unethical, and that whilst I loved them, they needed to accept that I did not approve of that part of their character. There are many ways of showing unhappiness - open your mouth, write a letter, phone a counsellor, appoint a divorce lawyer. But those require responsibility and don't come with a secret thrill. There would be NO contact with OW and I would let DIL know that.

If you have grandchildren then you do need to let your DIL know how much she means to you. You can love each of them dearly, allow them both to vent without taking it on board, whilst not pretending that it is all fine.

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