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Partner on paternity leave. Not pulling his weight.

(161 Posts)
Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 12:08:09

Really need to have a rant. Absolutely furious with my partner's selfish attitude.

Our son was born last Friday, he is our second child, we already have a DD who is 3. We live miles away from my family, when I was pregnant my mum offered to come and stay with us shortly after DS was born to help out, we politely declined her offer. OH likes his own space, and I quite liked the idea of us being alone and having some quality bonding time as a family of 4. OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight, and I believed he would, it's not turned out that way.

I had quite a quick easy labour with DS and felt far better than I'd imagined I would afterwards. The worse thing I could have done is admit this to OH. As easy as my labour was I still expected a bit of pampering and praise when I got home from hospital. I just pushed a human being out of my vagina for gods sake! But my OH hasnt even so much as offered me a cup of tea, or a kind word. It's been expected that I get stuck back in to household chores and childcare from the moment I stepped through the front door after having DS, and I have received zero thanks for all I've done.

Since coming home I've juggled BF'ing DS on demand, with countless loads of laundry, I've hoovered, prepared several meals, bathed both kids with no help from OH, done 99.9% of nappy changes, washed dishes wiped surfaces, cleaned toilets etc etc. OH has put away one load of laundry and ran the hoover around once and sulked like a teenager whilst doing so after being nagged and nagged to help out.

Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.

I'm BF'ing DS so night feeds are completely up to me, the first couple of nights after being home from hospital he was great, he got up with me, chatted to me, got me glasses of water, helped me change him, winded him etc. Now that's all gone out of the window, and he just lies there and leaves me to it. When he is back at work I don't expect him to get up in the night at all, but during his paternity I do expect at least a little help in the night. Yes I am BF'ing, but that doesn't mean that OH isn't capable of changing the odd nappy in the night so I can lie back down again.

In fairness to him he has been good at occupying DD. But that is about all he does. & although he's great at playing with her, it lasts for all of about 20 mins before he gets bored and hands her her ipad so he can stare at his phone with his feet up for a good couple of hours, or stand in the garden puffing away on his e-cig, while simultaneously ignoring me picking up mess around him with a fussy baby permanently attatched to my tit!

He has drank roughly 6 out of the last 8 nights which has pissed me off no end! He hasn't actually got drunk, but I do feel drinking 4 cans of beers most nights is excessive, especially for someone who is supposed to be helping care for a young child and a newborn. It's not a holiday after all.

But the thing that has really pushed me over the edge happened this morning. DS seems to be 'cluster feeding' so I was up every hour on the hour between 10pm and 5am last night, he finally slept for a 4 hour stretch and woke up at 9am, I fed him, changed his nappy and clothes for the day, his crying woke DD, she's starving wanting her breakfast, DS was becoming increasingly unsettled and I couldn't calm him down, I nudged OH and asked if he could either take DS and try and settle him or take DD down for her breakfast. He refused to do either despite snoring away all night, said he was having a lie in as it was Sunday morning. This was at 9:40am, I dont think I was asking much. I actually can't effing believe him! My blood is still boiling. Anyway I took DD down poured her a bowl of cereal with screaming DS in my arms, wasn't too much trouble, but not the point. Why should I struggle if he's supposed to be around to help me? DD is currently watching CBeebies and I've just settled DS. I've only just managed to get a cup of tea in peace and OH is only just emerging from his pit 🙄

Also I seem to be suffering from a really bad case of the 'baby blues' every day since roughly day 3/4 when my milk camekn, it will get to around 5pm'ish and I will just sit in my bedroom in floods of tears, and I'm on a really short fuse during the day (although I suspect OH's attitude has something to do with that aswell) OH has been less than supportive, I would absolutely love for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a great job but OH is incapable of giving praise or affection, I've found myself really wishing I'd have had my mum here after all, as I'm feeling really low and getting worse with each passing day, I've found myself wishing I was back in hospital with DS as there are days I just don't want to leave my room but I feel I have to. Although I feel physically well, emotionally I am struggling, and I've really no one to talk to, no family around, no friends. My mum is only a phone call away which is great, but what I really want is love and support from my OH which I'm just not getting.

Just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Sorry for the long rant.

Merryoldgoat Thu 16-May-19 18:55:12


I agree - even when I was on mat leave my DH shared nights.

Femodene Thu 16-May-19 18:54:31

*IS a burden

Femodene Thu 16-May-19 18:53:58

He’s just a boyfriend, there’s nothing shackling you to the piece of shit deadbeat, dump him, remove him from the property and inform the landlord that it’ll be just you now, he can parent his kids 50% of the time, when the baby is older he can parent him 50% of the time too. This is a toxic environment for your kids, having a shit dad isn’t a burden, don’t make them live with a man who despises their mother.

Tunnockswafer Thu 16-May-19 18:43:59

I remember a man at my last workplace coming in for months after his wife had a baby looking exhausted every day. He clearly wasn’t ignoring all the night wakenings!
I can see that some formula might make things easier but bloody hell id be annoyed if a lazy dh made me not fulfil my own desires re breastfeeding.

Wussypillow123 Thu 16-May-19 16:35:29

## and he was on paternity not maternity leave!!

Wussypillow123 Thu 16-May-19 16:24:40

# I take over at 1am I meant to say!!

Wussypillow123 Thu 16-May-19 16:18:23

I have a 8 week old who I am trying to breastfeed and a partner who was pretty useless on maternity leave, and a DD. I’m combining breastfeeding with formula - and have found the following things help.
- I have the pre-sterilised bottle packs from supermarket, which I use in an emergency (I try not to use too much formula in case I produce less milk)
- we have a night shift, DP does 9 til 1am with baby in pram basin in lounge, DP sleeps on sofa and does bottle feeds of expressed milk - I take over at 1pm and DP sleeps rest of night in bedroom
- I’ve given up on putting him down in cot, DS has strong startle reflex, swaddling helps stop this and pram basin (or Moses basket) feels more enclosed.
- he loves a baby carrier and to be curled up on me so a baby carrier is AMAZING (like a Baby Bjorn). I can get jobs done with free hands
- I would avoid making rash decisions until you’ve caught up on sleep. Think sitting DP down and working out a plan of action might help?
- it is VERY hard, you are doing a fantastic job xxxxx

BlingLoving Thu 16-May-19 16:04:13

I am always a little bemused by this idea that men can't do a thing in the night because they have work to do the next day. It's funny - it's okay if they're tired at work because they were out drinking with friends/ watching tv/playing games etc, but helping during a crisis? Hell no. When I went back to wrk and DH was a SAHD he did most of the night time stuff. But in a crisis, we were all up. And yes, it meant I was even more tired at work, but that's just life.

You need to get this child and your DD on a plane and go to your mum here you have support and help and can take some time to think. Good luck OP. This is truly one of the most horrendous stories I've read on here in a while.

Tunnockswafer Thu 16-May-19 15:58:33

If the OP is talking about another part of the UK she won’t need a passport for the baby (or dd) to fly, bringing birth certificate is fine eg to NI.

Tunnockswafer Thu 16-May-19 15:50:30

Honestly call your mum. Let her help you.

ThatCurlyGirl Thu 16-May-19 15:42:00

How are you doing OP? Thinking of you thanks

NorthernRunner Thu 16-May-19 14:49:33

Hope you are ok OP 👍🏻😊

Jollymollyx Wed 15-May-19 10:16:55

Cannot believe what I have just read! This is awful behaviour, what on Earth does he think paternity is? He should be helping you as much as he could while he could before work. I cannot believe he has left, not even just slept on the sofa but left the house! And it’s not even your first baby it’s your second you have your hands full! I would leave and go to your moms
Not even tell him
Just pack what you need for a week and go. If you can’t then seriously call her down
And when he returns tell him he’s not needed he can run back along to his parents. If his parents live this close why don’t they ever help

You are bleeding, up all night, there’s no excuse for his behaviour.

NabooThatsWho Wed 15-May-19 10:07:41

Hope you are ok OP

Milkn0sugar Tue 14-May-19 21:43:33

What a selfish, lazy, indulgent arse. I would phone my mum immediately and ask her to visit for a week. He can stay in the bedroom if he wants his precious space. If he asks why you've changed your mind, tell him that he didn't honour his side of the deal so you're calling in the cavalry. You need to look after yourself. The sleep deprivation and the pressure of looking after a newborn and a 3 year old compounded by the hormones will leave you very vulnerable. You need back up. I had my DD2 5 months ago and if it wasn't for my DM helping out most days for the first 3 weeks and DH massively stepping up to take care of DD1 (whose behaviour deteriorated and she was waking up throughout the night for weeks), I would have really struggled. You've done so well to just get on with it all but no wonder you're knackered and down. thanks

DoctorManhattan Tue 14-May-19 21:43:16

Threads like this make me want to reach across the internet, grab your OH and give him a good f**king shake.

It's obvious he is selfish and interested only in looking out for himself. Asides from the fundamental issue of not helping you out when you need it most - which is what any good partner would do - it's evident he also has no interest in bonding with his new son either.

At the very, very least - he needs the bollocking of his life.

billybagpuss Tue 14-May-19 21:20:33

I take it mil has put up with similar from fil for years.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 14-May-19 21:15:14

Tell your mum OP. Really. She will just want to be there for you - as you would for your DD - and even having her on the phone right now will be a start, you'll feel much better.

And I would think the next step would be to make a plan to go home and stay with her for a while, while you work out what you want to do. Tell her this, and she won't fret so much, she can just help you get sorted so that you can fly out to stay with her.

As it's more complicated than just jumping on a train, I would not tell your pig of a (non) partner that you plan to go see her. He might try and stop you and as it's a case of going overseas, he could. Get the baby's passport sorted out and go.

Then you can make the decision on whether you actually want to come back. Oh and yes he could absolutely then force you to - that's where you tell him fine, you get a court order forcing us to come back and I will a. finish the relationship and b. expect you to have the kids 50% of the time.

You won't see him for dust!

labazsisgoingmad Tue 14-May-19 20:29:12

think id be in tears too if i had to put up with his antics tell him he gets his sorry backside into gear or you will get your mum to stay and he can go and do one. spell it out for him you need practical help and emotional support

Nc1548 Tue 14-May-19 20:16:44

@Mumtobe193, @GummyGoddess is right, you can take the photos yourself, there are apps in the playstore that can help you do it very easily.

AuntMarch Tue 14-May-19 20:10:47

If you can fly to your mum, do it.
Rested and supported, you'll soon see whether you actually miss him. I doubt you will!

Ginger1982 Tue 14-May-19 20:06:59

Has your prick of a husband come home from work?

Quartz2208 Tue 14-May-19 19:58:49

GO to your mum and away from this toxic situation at least until it settles

GummyGoddess Tue 14-May-19 19:53:04

Your mum offered to stay, I'm sure she would be thrilled if you stayed with her as well.

Get the passport forms done this evening. I think you can take a picture of your DS yourself on your phone as long as it's on a white background and you fulfil the criteria. You need a rest or you will be too ill to care for either of your children. This is for their welfare as much as yours.

ThatCurlyGirl Tue 14-May-19 19:43:49

@NorthernRunner THIS is why I love MN. Shit like this. Thanks for being lovely on OPs behalf!xxx

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