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Partner on paternity leave. Not pulling his weight.

(161 Posts)
Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 12:08:09

Really need to have a rant. Absolutely furious with my partner's selfish attitude.

Our son was born last Friday, he is our second child, we already have a DD who is 3. We live miles away from my family, when I was pregnant my mum offered to come and stay with us shortly after DS was born to help out, we politely declined her offer. OH likes his own space, and I quite liked the idea of us being alone and having some quality bonding time as a family of 4. OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight, and I believed he would, it's not turned out that way.

I had quite a quick easy labour with DS and felt far better than I'd imagined I would afterwards. The worse thing I could have done is admit this to OH. As easy as my labour was I still expected a bit of pampering and praise when I got home from hospital. I just pushed a human being out of my vagina for gods sake! But my OH hasnt even so much as offered me a cup of tea, or a kind word. It's been expected that I get stuck back in to household chores and childcare from the moment I stepped through the front door after having DS, and I have received zero thanks for all I've done.

Since coming home I've juggled BF'ing DS on demand, with countless loads of laundry, I've hoovered, prepared several meals, bathed both kids with no help from OH, done 99.9% of nappy changes, washed dishes wiped surfaces, cleaned toilets etc etc. OH has put away one load of laundry and ran the hoover around once and sulked like a teenager whilst doing so after being nagged and nagged to help out.

Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.

I'm BF'ing DS so night feeds are completely up to me, the first couple of nights after being home from hospital he was great, he got up with me, chatted to me, got me glasses of water, helped me change him, winded him etc. Now that's all gone out of the window, and he just lies there and leaves me to it. When he is back at work I don't expect him to get up in the night at all, but during his paternity I do expect at least a little help in the night. Yes I am BF'ing, but that doesn't mean that OH isn't capable of changing the odd nappy in the night so I can lie back down again.

In fairness to him he has been good at occupying DD. But that is about all he does. & although he's great at playing with her, it lasts for all of about 20 mins before he gets bored and hands her her ipad so he can stare at his phone with his feet up for a good couple of hours, or stand in the garden puffing away on his e-cig, while simultaneously ignoring me picking up mess around him with a fussy baby permanently attatched to my tit!

He has drank roughly 6 out of the last 8 nights which has pissed me off no end! He hasn't actually got drunk, but I do feel drinking 4 cans of beers most nights is excessive, especially for someone who is supposed to be helping care for a young child and a newborn. It's not a holiday after all.

But the thing that has really pushed me over the edge happened this morning. DS seems to be 'cluster feeding' so I was up every hour on the hour between 10pm and 5am last night, he finally slept for a 4 hour stretch and woke up at 9am, I fed him, changed his nappy and clothes for the day, his crying woke DD, she's starving wanting her breakfast, DS was becoming increasingly unsettled and I couldn't calm him down, I nudged OH and asked if he could either take DS and try and settle him or take DD down for her breakfast. He refused to do either despite snoring away all night, said he was having a lie in as it was Sunday morning. This was at 9:40am, I dont think I was asking much. I actually can't effing believe him! My blood is still boiling. Anyway I took DD down poured her a bowl of cereal with screaming DS in my arms, wasn't too much trouble, but not the point. Why should I struggle if he's supposed to be around to help me? DD is currently watching CBeebies and I've just settled DS. I've only just managed to get a cup of tea in peace and OH is only just emerging from his pit 🙄

Also I seem to be suffering from a really bad case of the 'baby blues' every day since roughly day 3/4 when my milk camekn, it will get to around 5pm'ish and I will just sit in my bedroom in floods of tears, and I'm on a really short fuse during the day (although I suspect OH's attitude has something to do with that aswell) OH has been less than supportive, I would absolutely love for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a great job but OH is incapable of giving praise or affection, I've found myself really wishing I'd have had my mum here after all, as I'm feeling really low and getting worse with each passing day, I've found myself wishing I was back in hospital with DS as there are days I just don't want to leave my room but I feel I have to. Although I feel physically well, emotionally I am struggling, and I've really no one to talk to, no family around, no friends. My mum is only a phone call away which is great, but what I really want is love and support from my OH which I'm just not getting.

Just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Sorry for the long rant.

ThatCurlyGirl Thu 16-May-19 15:42:00

How are you doing OP? Thinking of you thanks

Tunnockswafer Thu 16-May-19 15:50:30

Honestly call your mum. Let her help you.

Tunnockswafer Thu 16-May-19 15:58:33

If the OP is talking about another part of the UK she won’t need a passport for the baby (or dd) to fly, bringing birth certificate is fine eg to NI.

BlingLoving Thu 16-May-19 16:04:13

I am always a little bemused by this idea that men can't do a thing in the night because they have work to do the next day. It's funny - it's okay if they're tired at work because they were out drinking with friends/ watching tv/playing games etc, but helping during a crisis? Hell no. When I went back to wrk and DH was a SAHD he did most of the night time stuff. But in a crisis, we were all up. And yes, it meant I was even more tired at work, but that's just life.

You need to get this child and your DD on a plane and go to your mum here you have support and help and can take some time to think. Good luck OP. This is truly one of the most horrendous stories I've read on here in a while.

Wussypillow123 Thu 16-May-19 16:18:23

I have a 8 week old who I am trying to breastfeed and a partner who was pretty useless on maternity leave, and a DD. I’m combining breastfeeding with formula - and have found the following things help.
- I have the pre-sterilised bottle packs from supermarket, which I use in an emergency (I try not to use too much formula in case I produce less milk)
- we have a night shift, DP does 9 til 1am with baby in pram basin in lounge, DP sleeps on sofa and does bottle feeds of expressed milk - I take over at 1pm and DP sleeps rest of night in bedroom
- I’ve given up on putting him down in cot, DS has strong startle reflex, swaddling helps stop this and pram basin (or Moses basket) feels more enclosed.
- he loves a baby carrier and to be curled up on me so a baby carrier is AMAZING (like a Baby Bjorn). I can get jobs done with free hands
- I would avoid making rash decisions until you’ve caught up on sleep. Think sitting DP down and working out a plan of action might help?
- it is VERY hard, you are doing a fantastic job xxxxx

Wussypillow123 Thu 16-May-19 16:24:40

# I take over at 1am I meant to say!!

Wussypillow123 Thu 16-May-19 16:35:29

## and he was on paternity not maternity leave!!

Tunnockswafer Thu 16-May-19 18:43:59

I remember a man at my last workplace coming in for months after his wife had a baby looking exhausted every day. He clearly wasn’t ignoring all the night wakenings!
I can see that some formula might make things easier but bloody hell id be annoyed if a lazy dh made me not fulfil my own desires re breastfeeding.

Femodene Thu 16-May-19 18:53:58

He’s just a boyfriend, there’s nothing shackling you to the piece of shit deadbeat, dump him, remove him from the property and inform the landlord that it’ll be just you now, he can parent his kids 50% of the time, when the baby is older he can parent him 50% of the time too. This is a toxic environment for your kids, having a shit dad isn’t a burden, don’t make them live with a man who despises their mother.

Femodene Thu 16-May-19 18:54:31

*IS a burden

Merryoldgoat Thu 16-May-19 18:55:12


I agree - even when I was on mat leave my DH shared nights.

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