Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Partner on paternity leave. Not pulling his weight.(161 Posts)
Really need to have a rant. Absolutely furious with my partner's selfish attitude.
Our son was born last Friday, he is our second child, we already have a DD who is 3. We live miles away from my family, when I was pregnant my mum offered to come and stay with us shortly after DS was born to help out, we politely declined her offer. OH likes his own space, and I quite liked the idea of us being alone and having some quality bonding time as a family of 4. OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight, and I believed he would, it's not turned out that way.
I had quite a quick easy labour with DS and felt far better than I'd imagined I would afterwards. The worse thing I could have done is admit this to OH. As easy as my labour was I still expected a bit of pampering and praise when I got home from hospital. I just pushed a human being out of my vagina for gods sake! But my OH hasnt even so much as offered me a cup of tea, or a kind word. It's been expected that I get stuck back in to household chores and childcare from the moment I stepped through the front door after having DS, and I have received zero thanks for all I've done.
Since coming home I've juggled BF'ing DS on demand, with countless loads of laundry, I've hoovered, prepared several meals, bathed both kids with no help from OH, done 99.9% of nappy changes, washed dishes wiped surfaces, cleaned toilets etc etc. OH has put away one load of laundry and ran the hoover around once and sulked like a teenager whilst doing so after being nagged and nagged to help out.
Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.
I'm BF'ing DS so night feeds are completely up to me, the first couple of nights after being home from hospital he was great, he got up with me, chatted to me, got me glasses of water, helped me change him, winded him etc. Now that's all gone out of the window, and he just lies there and leaves me to it. When he is back at work I don't expect him to get up in the night at all, but during his paternity I do expect at least a little help in the night. Yes I am BF'ing, but that doesn't mean that OH isn't capable of changing the odd nappy in the night so I can lie back down again.
In fairness to him he has been good at occupying DD. But that is about all he does. & although he's great at playing with her, it lasts for all of about 20 mins before he gets bored and hands her her ipad so he can stare at his phone with his feet up for a good couple of hours, or stand in the garden puffing away on his e-cig, while simultaneously ignoring me picking up mess around him with a fussy baby permanently attatched to my tit!
He has drank roughly 6 out of the last 8 nights which has pissed me off no end! He hasn't actually got drunk, but I do feel drinking 4 cans of beers most nights is excessive, especially for someone who is supposed to be helping care for a young child and a newborn. It's not a holiday after all.
But the thing that has really pushed me over the edge happened this morning. DS seems to be 'cluster feeding' so I was up every hour on the hour between 10pm and 5am last night, he finally slept for a 4 hour stretch and woke up at 9am, I fed him, changed his nappy and clothes for the day, his crying woke DD, she's starving wanting her breakfast, DS was becoming increasingly unsettled and I couldn't calm him down, I nudged OH and asked if he could either take DS and try and settle him or take DD down for her breakfast. He refused to do either despite snoring away all night, said he was having a lie in as it was Sunday morning. This was at 9:40am, I dont think I was asking much. I actually can't effing believe him! My blood is still boiling. Anyway I took DD down poured her a bowl of cereal with screaming DS in my arms, wasn't too much trouble, but not the point. Why should I struggle if he's supposed to be around to help me? DD is currently watching CBeebies and I've just settled DS. I've only just managed to get a cup of tea in peace and OH is only just emerging from his pit 🙄
Also I seem to be suffering from a really bad case of the 'baby blues' every day since roughly day 3/4 when my milk camekn, it will get to around 5pm'ish and I will just sit in my bedroom in floods of tears, and I'm on a really short fuse during the day (although I suspect OH's attitude has something to do with that aswell) OH has been less than supportive, I would absolutely love for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a great job but OH is incapable of giving praise or affection, I've found myself really wishing I'd have had my mum here after all, as I'm feeling really low and getting worse with each passing day, I've found myself wishing I was back in hospital with DS as there are days I just don't want to leave my room but I feel I have to. Although I feel physically well, emotionally I am struggling, and I've really no one to talk to, no family around, no friends. My mum is only a phone call away which is great, but what I really want is love and support from my OH which I'm just not getting.
Just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Sorry for the long rant.
I'm so sorry OP but he sounds like a manipulative selfish waste of space.
Using your easy labour to make you start doing choreS as soon as you get home
Equating him putting a pizza in oven with you doing dishes and putting kids to bed
Having a lie in while you have been up all night with the baby.
Honestly I'd do yourself a favour and leave now.
I had to sleep on the sofa with my newborn (not safe) because the crying was disturbing my ex on our first night back from hospital and he needed his sleep. I stayed with him for 20 years, like a mug. I should have got out then, they never change.
Hey, easy birth doesn't necessarily mean easy ride with postpartum hormones. Your DH is being a total cunt. You are not being in the least unreasonable. Get your mum in till you get pumping established, and then think about the future of this relationship.
How did it go when you got up yesterday, OP? And did you get a lie-in this morning to make up for his mega-lie-in on Sunday?
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Look, I’m not trying to be a dick, but it’s clear from your posts you know what he’s like. He did nothing last time, he’s been no better this time, he’s insensitive and defensive and lazy.
You’re daft if you think he’d be any different this time.
You need to either accept his disgraceful behaviour or plan your life without him because you won’t change him.
I’d be sending him on his way.
So OH is now back at work.
He came home this evening. Ate dinner. Then buggared off upstairs for a 4 hour 'nap' because he was just 'so tired' (despite the fact I was the only one who was up in the night on Sunday with DS). Leaving me to get DD ready for bed, to bath DS and to wash all the dishes.
Then when I finally got to bed myself absolutely exhausted, DS woke up again just an hour later. Got him down within half an hour. An hour later ... awake again. He has now cried and fussed for the last 2 hours. & where is my OH? He jumped in the car about an hour ago and went to his parents to sleep. He ran off on me in the middle of the night, completely exhausted, I'm crying, baby's crying, DD's awake and she's crying, and rather than supporting me he's left me to deal with this completely on my own. I actually can't effing believe him. DD has finally fallen back to sleep in the last 10 mins & im Currently sat here giving DS his 12847271th feed in the last 2 hours feeling pretty shit tbh. Sleep deprived and severely pissed off would be an understatement.
Anyone else think this behaviour is completely unbelievable or is it just me?
I can’t believe he went to his parents’ home!!
Time to call your mother. Either go stay with her, or have her come stay with you until your son is more settled.
Why are you flogging this not only dead but rotting horse?
Call your mum as soon as is a reasonable time to get her, tell him to stay at his bloody parents as you have enough on your plate raising 2 kids you don't need to be raising a 3rd in the form of a grown ass man!
I don't understand why you had a 2nd with him when you already knew he was lazy and useless but you are where you are, the point now is to not continue making the same mistake.
Contact your GP and HV to link in with support services for after your mum goes as I'm guessing she has her own life to return to at some stage.
DO NOT be tempted or talked into taking this waste of space back!
No it's not just you OP. His behaviour is disgusting. Can you picture yourself being with this man for the rest of your life? Or do you think you deserve better.
For the love of God kick the fucker out!
Ask your Mum if she could come and stay for a while so you can catch up on some well deserved sleep and so you have the extra pair of hands to help with your 2 young DC being as your OH is to much of a cunt to help out!
Get your mum down. You need help and he’s not giving it. He had a 4 hour nap and then left? Wow. So so selfish. Get your mum to come stay with you for a week and help. Message him and say “mums coming to stay with me. Stay at your parents. We will talk when I’ve actually had some help and some sleep. You’ve been incredibly selfish and leaving today showed that” I wouldn’t let him back until he bucks his ideas up.
That's absolutely disgraceful behaviour on the part of your DS father and his parents - they should have kicked him back!
If you're still awake - ring the parents house now and get them to wake him and send him back. Alternatively have his things in bin bags for him to collect tomorrow. Or both.........
What a horrible man he is. Absolutely get your mum to stay and tell him you'll speak when you're calmer/clearer about what you want to do. I cant believe anyone would think that was ok (or that his mum wouldn't tell him to grow up and go home). Just get through tonight however you can, even if it involves the tablet for dd.
I cant see how you are better off for having him in your home at all!
I'm completely stunned by what an absolute shit your OH is! The initial bad behaviour was more than enough to qualify him as arsehole of the year but driving off in the night to sleep at his parent's is an utter pisstake! Your PIL shouldn't have let him in and sent him packing.
He needs a strong message, kick him out and he can go and live with his parents, that's the choice he made. Him being at home is making life more difficult not better for you. Get your mum down and ignore your OH for as long as it takes for him to realise he's a selfish waste of space. Make sure you tell your PIL your side of the story so they have no sympathy for the little bastard.
You poor thing. I went through similar years ago. If your Mum is supportive, ring her, tell her everything so you can have a good cry and ask her to come stay as soon as she can. Then you'll have help with DD and housework while you struggle through those godawful cluster feeds.
Your husband, well you have to make a decision here. He's shown himself to be both lazy and selfish in the extreme. He doesn't care about either you or his little kids. He's willing to abandon you in the middle of the night! I hope his mother gives him an earful. I'd have been mortified if my son had done that when he and DIL had their LO. He would've been sent home to tend to his responsibilities
Just kick him out. Tell him to stay at his parents indefinitely like the overgrown child that he is. Do you have any other friends / family you can ask for help? You need some support. I hope your mother can come and stay with you. What is your living situation? Do you own / rent and whose name is the house / lease in? A lot to think about when you are sleep deprived and have a newborn but honestly this man-child is more of a hindrance than a help so he's no loss to you now that he's gone.
DS Is now in hysterics.
My nipples are now cracked and bleeding. Only a matter of time before DD gets up again. Sat here sobbbing.
OH's phone switched off.
What on earth do i do?
Outrageous that he should go to parents! I’d get my mum to help if it were me. So sorry you are going through this. Your OH is very selfish and frankly doesn’t deserve you. You are doing a wonderful job your DCs are lucky to have you.
What kind of "man" leaves at 1 am in the morning leaving his partner and 2 kids, when 1 kid is less than 3 weeks old?, and he has work the next day? Hi
A bit of me hopes this isn't real (I'm not saying it isn't).
Get your mum in tomorrow and have a serious chat with OH about responsibility
Get you all into one bed, snuggle up and try to grab a doze. Plaster your boobs in nipple cream. Hugs xx
Really OP, I have rarely heard of such appalling behaviour.
You need your mother, now.
Take it hour by hour. This difficult night will come to an end.
Call your mum in the morning and ask her to stay/go and stay with her. Then take it from there. One thing at a time.
He told you all along who he was, a lazy man who is a rubbish father and partner. Now believe him. I'm sorry to be harsh, you don't need kicking when your down but you need help.
If you were my daughter I'd want you to ring me right now, I'd pack a bag and get in the car. Your mum isn't stupid she knows exactly how useless this man is.
His parents are an absolute disgrace, they should have sent him straight back home and told him to start being a decent human being.
If your not asleep and baby is safe go and make yourself a cup tea and grab some biscuits. First thing in the morning ring your mum if you haven't already and ring the midwife/health visitor.
I'm so sorry you are going through this
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.