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Partner on paternity leave. Not pulling his weight.

(161 Posts)
Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 12:08:09

Really need to have a rant. Absolutely furious with my partner's selfish attitude.

Our son was born last Friday, he is our second child, we already have a DD who is 3. We live miles away from my family, when I was pregnant my mum offered to come and stay with us shortly after DS was born to help out, we politely declined her offer. OH likes his own space, and I quite liked the idea of us being alone and having some quality bonding time as a family of 4. OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight, and I believed he would, it's not turned out that way.

I had quite a quick easy labour with DS and felt far better than I'd imagined I would afterwards. The worse thing I could have done is admit this to OH. As easy as my labour was I still expected a bit of pampering and praise when I got home from hospital. I just pushed a human being out of my vagina for gods sake! But my OH hasnt even so much as offered me a cup of tea, or a kind word. It's been expected that I get stuck back in to household chores and childcare from the moment I stepped through the front door after having DS, and I have received zero thanks for all I've done.

Since coming home I've juggled BF'ing DS on demand, with countless loads of laundry, I've hoovered, prepared several meals, bathed both kids with no help from OH, done 99.9% of nappy changes, washed dishes wiped surfaces, cleaned toilets etc etc. OH has put away one load of laundry and ran the hoover around once and sulked like a teenager whilst doing so after being nagged and nagged to help out.

Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.

I'm BF'ing DS so night feeds are completely up to me, the first couple of nights after being home from hospital he was great, he got up with me, chatted to me, got me glasses of water, helped me change him, winded him etc. Now that's all gone out of the window, and he just lies there and leaves me to it. When he is back at work I don't expect him to get up in the night at all, but during his paternity I do expect at least a little help in the night. Yes I am BF'ing, but that doesn't mean that OH isn't capable of changing the odd nappy in the night so I can lie back down again.

In fairness to him he has been good at occupying DD. But that is about all he does. & although he's great at playing with her, it lasts for all of about 20 mins before he gets bored and hands her her ipad so he can stare at his phone with his feet up for a good couple of hours, or stand in the garden puffing away on his e-cig, while simultaneously ignoring me picking up mess around him with a fussy baby permanently attatched to my tit!

He has drank roughly 6 out of the last 8 nights which has pissed me off no end! He hasn't actually got drunk, but I do feel drinking 4 cans of beers most nights is excessive, especially for someone who is supposed to be helping care for a young child and a newborn. It's not a holiday after all.

But the thing that has really pushed me over the edge happened this morning. DS seems to be 'cluster feeding' so I was up every hour on the hour between 10pm and 5am last night, he finally slept for a 4 hour stretch and woke up at 9am, I fed him, changed his nappy and clothes for the day, his crying woke DD, she's starving wanting her breakfast, DS was becoming increasingly unsettled and I couldn't calm him down, I nudged OH and asked if he could either take DS and try and settle him or take DD down for her breakfast. He refused to do either despite snoring away all night, said he was having a lie in as it was Sunday morning. This was at 9:40am, I dont think I was asking much. I actually can't effing believe him! My blood is still boiling. Anyway I took DD down poured her a bowl of cereal with screaming DS in my arms, wasn't too much trouble, but not the point. Why should I struggle if he's supposed to be around to help me? DD is currently watching CBeebies and I've just settled DS. I've only just managed to get a cup of tea in peace and OH is only just emerging from his pit 🙄

Also I seem to be suffering from a really bad case of the 'baby blues' every day since roughly day 3/4 when my milk camekn, it will get to around 5pm'ish and I will just sit in my bedroom in floods of tears, and I'm on a really short fuse during the day (although I suspect OH's attitude has something to do with that aswell) OH has been less than supportive, I would absolutely love for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a great job but OH is incapable of giving praise or affection, I've found myself really wishing I'd have had my mum here after all, as I'm feeling really low and getting worse with each passing day, I've found myself wishing I was back in hospital with DS as there are days I just don't want to leave my room but I feel I have to. Although I feel physically well, emotionally I am struggling, and I've really no one to talk to, no family around, no friends. My mum is only a phone call away which is great, but what I really want is love and support from my OH which I'm just not getting.

Just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Sorry for the long rant.

Mrsmummy90 Sun 05-May-19 12:14:35

What an absolutely selfish, lazy arsehole!!
Congratulations on the birth of your son!

You are doing a wonderful job and your children are so lucky to have such an amazing mum.

I would kick your OH out for a few days (to show him that his behaviour is not ok at all) and ask your mum to come and stay. You need support right now and it sounds like he will just refuse to offer it.

HollowTalk Sun 05-May-19 12:14:46

I would tell him to sod off back to work and ask my mum to come and help. He's a bloody disgrace. Congratulations on your baby. Sort this out now and ask someone useful and kind to be with you.

Asdfghjklll Sun 05-May-19 12:15:04

What a twat.
Sit your husband down and calmly explain he is not helping at all. Men sometimes need the obvious explained. Then tell him he either helps or your mum comes. You deserve to be looked after too.

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 12:54:51

Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.

Frozen pizza is fine at the moment. If he gets a pass on the rest of the work after making dinner, so you do on the nights that you make dinner. Spell it out for him - what goes for him also goes for you.

You seem to be doing a large amount of housework - you've been hoovering, and he's also hoovered once, and you only came back from hospital two days ago?? Leave the housework for a bit. It's not important.

Have a proper conversation with him about the overnights. If you're doing all the feeds, he needs to do all the nappy changes. If he really feels he can't do that, you could give him a pass as long as he gets up at 5am each day to take the baby and let you lie in. If not, he gets the overnight nappy changes / settling.

Speaking of which, why have you done 99% of all nappy changes? Alternative them - "DH, I did the last one, it's your turn".

Playing with DD for 20 mins and then switching to CBeebies is fine. I could never manage more than 20 mins of childs' play in one stretch.

So... relax a bit, and speak to him about sharing the 'absolutely necessary' workload equally.

LittleMissEngineer Sun 05-May-19 12:55:02

Do you drive? Do you have a car? Do you get on well with your mother? If yes, then pack up what you need and take DS and DD and go stay with her. Honestly. If you can’t drive there, then ask her to come down.

I would write your DH as a lost cause for the next few weeks. I would actually think if writing him off longer term, but suggest that this isn’t the right time to consider that.

Your DH is taking the...

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 12:57:50

Also, since you've done all the childcare this morning, he can do all the childcare this afternoon.

You can do the baby feeds, but everything else - entertainment, nappy changes, food for the eldest - is on him.

Surely he has to agree that's fair since you've been doing it single-handed done it all morning? If he feels it's too much for him, ask why he thought it was ok to make you do it?

Parker231 Sun 05-May-19 13:00:20

I would either go and stay with your mum or arrange for her to come over and stay with you. That will help in the short term but you will need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is a pathetic father and partner.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sun 05-May-19 13:00:47

OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight,

1) don’t have another baby with him. Ever. No matter how much he promises.

2) was he pulling his weight before you got pregnant?

Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 13:00:48

Thanks for all of your kind words ladies. Feel so much better to get all of that off my chest. I wish I could sit him down and explain to him exactly how I felt but he'll just get defensive and angry, there's really no talking to him. Can't wait for him to buggar off back to work, and I don't know if this is just the hormones talking but I'm not even sure if I want to be with someone so uncaring, inconsiderate and selfish. He's always been like this, I'm sick of living in hope that he'll change I'm not sure if he ever will

ILoveMaxiBondi Sun 05-May-19 13:04:14

He's always been like this, I'm sick of living in hope that he'll change I'm not sure if he ever will

Ah. Question answered. He was like this before you got pregnant. And no, he won’t ever change. He doesn’t need to and there is no benefit for him in changing. He gets everything done for him, never has to lift a finger and the only price he has to pay is listening to you losing it every now and again because he knows you will go back to just doing everything once you’ve been got your rant off your chest. His life is sweet. Why would he change that?

Bluestitch Sun 05-May-19 13:09:12

Easy birth or not, you need to rest or you will end up ill. He's an absolute disgrace and I would be calling my mum for help in your position. Though I've just seen you say he's always been like this so you need to acknowledge that's the reality of your life if you stay with him.

Mayalready Sun 05-May-19 13:12:27

I hope you aren't doing his washing etc. Ring your dm and invite her to stay.
Dh twists, then too fucking bad.
Suggest he goes back to work Tuesday.

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 13:17:02

Suggest he goes back to work Tuesday.

No, don't. If he doesn't start helping with the baby, he's never going to. It's just cementing the idea that he works, so doesn't have to do any childcare, ever.

And personally I wouldn't call my mum to help. What sort of message is that? The kids' father won't do the work, so lets call in another woman to do it for him. But that's me, and I'm not tired and worn-down. So if you feel you need the support from your Mum, just ignore me smile

I would push him to agree that whatever goes for him, goes for you too. Surely that's fair? So he got a lie-in until 12 today. That means you get a lie-in until 12 tomorrow. Or does he think that's unreasonable?

Whoops75 Sun 05-May-19 13:22:03

Send him back to work and get your mum over.

ImNotNigel Sun 05-May-19 13:28:50

I wish I could sit him down and explain to him exactly how I felt but he'll just get defensive and angry, there's really no talking to him

He KNOWS how you feel. He just doesn’t care.

He gets angry to make you STFU so he can go back to his phone in peace.

Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 13:30:41

@iloveMaxibondi I absolutely will not be having any more babies. When I was on maternity after having DD, he did nothing to help and we argued non stop for 9 months! When I went back to work i suppose he did pull his weight a little more, he works 9-5, mon -fri, I worked 24hours a week in the evenings and every other weekend, before going off on maternity, so he would be looking after DD while I worked and vice versa, and when we were both at home we'd split housework and childcare 50/50. However it took a lot of nagging and complaining on my part to get him to finally understand what's expected of him. As I had an extra 2 days off I did all the bigger more time consuming household tasks so on the rare occasion we were together as a family we could spend it enjoying 'quality time' although tbh a lot of the time OH would be far happier doing his 'own thing' i.e sitting on the computer or his phone, and he has to be dragged kicking and screaming out to do family stuff. Now that I'm on maternity I'm worried he'll be of the belief I should be doing absolutely everything, and it's his god given right for him to have time to himself as he works all day and I don't (according to him being at home with kids is a breeze and he doesn't get how stressful/tiring and lonely it can be). During the last week my 3 year old has been more help to me than he has so I can only imagine how lazy he's going to get when he goes back to work.

He's always been an insensitive prick and probably always will be despite him struggling with his own mental health in the past and me being there for him when he needed me. I know some men are just rubbish at understanding when it comes to these kind of things but he hasn't so much as offered me a cuddle when I've sat up stairs by myself in floods of tears, he hasn't even attempted to understand how I'm feeling.

Orangepear Sun 05-May-19 13:35:05

My stbxh was similarly crap. I don't miss him. Definitely go and stay with your mum, or ask her to come to you. It will be her instinct to care for you, and easy birth or not, you need that at the moment.

Also, make life easy for yourself with breakfast for your 3yo. Keep something by your bed so you don't have to get up - banana, water bottle, bowl of dry cereal in bed will seem like a big treat to her. I bet she would like to help with your baby too - my DC have a 3 year age gap and my eldest loved to fetch nappies and wipes and bring me biscuits!

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 13:35:31

according to him being at home with kids is a breeze

Well, in that case he should have no problem looking after both kids this afternoon while you have a break?

Yukka Sun 05-May-19 13:36:41

Oh god how annoying this is. When is he supposed to go back to work? I think you have to tell him, forget his defensiveness, you’re but asking for an amasser if justification, yiu just need him to know he’s being a useless parent and partner right now and it would be better if he weren’t there. Then phone your mum to come down x

Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 13:44:33

@LannieDuck I've done exactly that! I've gone back to bed with my sleeping DS and currently enjoying cuddles. I'd buggar off out for the afternoon and leave DS with him if he wasn't breastfed.

I've left OH to look after DD. We will see if OH has taken the initiative to put on a load of laundry or actually dress DD at some point today when I decide to emerge later on this afternoon ...

Quartz2208 Sun 05-May-19 13:48:34

Why are you with him OP he offers nothing to your life at all

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 13:53:17

Well done! Will be interesting to find out how (in)competent he is when left to get on with it by himself...

My guess is he won't have taken the initiative to do anything. When you get up, make it clear that you're having time off, and the household is his responsibility this afternoon.

MadeForThis Sun 05-May-19 14:02:00

Treat him like a child. Write a jobs list fir the week. Make sure he does his share. A frozen pizza doesn't count as making diner so he doesn't get nights off.

If he's still a twat when he returns to work make him fend for himself. Eat dinner before he comes home. Don't wash his clothes.

He's acting like he's on holiday.

SandyY2K Sun 05-May-19 14:05:55

Tell him if he doesn't buck up you'll get your mum to come over.

I have to say that frozen pizza is hardly nutritious for a breastfeeding mother.

My DH seemed to think paternity leave was a holiday first time round...I wanted to kick him back to work...he was bloody useless.

He bucked up a bit when I said I was talking DD to mum's over 200 miles away. I did take her, because I was shattered... he improved (a bit) when I came home.

Looking back, with the knowledge I have now... I would have been a lot more insistent on him doing more.

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