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Partner on paternity leave. Not pulling his weight.

(161 Posts)
Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 12:08:09

Really need to have a rant. Absolutely furious with my partner's selfish attitude.

Our son was born last Friday, he is our second child, we already have a DD who is 3. We live miles away from my family, when I was pregnant my mum offered to come and stay with us shortly after DS was born to help out, we politely declined her offer. OH likes his own space, and I quite liked the idea of us being alone and having some quality bonding time as a family of 4. OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight, and I believed he would, it's not turned out that way.

I had quite a quick easy labour with DS and felt far better than I'd imagined I would afterwards. The worse thing I could have done is admit this to OH. As easy as my labour was I still expected a bit of pampering and praise when I got home from hospital. I just pushed a human being out of my vagina for gods sake! But my OH hasnt even so much as offered me a cup of tea, or a kind word. It's been expected that I get stuck back in to household chores and childcare from the moment I stepped through the front door after having DS, and I have received zero thanks for all I've done.

Since coming home I've juggled BF'ing DS on demand, with countless loads of laundry, I've hoovered, prepared several meals, bathed both kids with no help from OH, done 99.9% of nappy changes, washed dishes wiped surfaces, cleaned toilets etc etc. OH has put away one load of laundry and ran the hoover around once and sulked like a teenager whilst doing so after being nagged and nagged to help out.

Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.

I'm BF'ing DS so night feeds are completely up to me, the first couple of nights after being home from hospital he was great, he got up with me, chatted to me, got me glasses of water, helped me change him, winded him etc. Now that's all gone out of the window, and he just lies there and leaves me to it. When he is back at work I don't expect him to get up in the night at all, but during his paternity I do expect at least a little help in the night. Yes I am BF'ing, but that doesn't mean that OH isn't capable of changing the odd nappy in the night so I can lie back down again.

In fairness to him he has been good at occupying DD. But that is about all he does. & although he's great at playing with her, it lasts for all of about 20 mins before he gets bored and hands her her ipad so he can stare at his phone with his feet up for a good couple of hours, or stand in the garden puffing away on his e-cig, while simultaneously ignoring me picking up mess around him with a fussy baby permanently attatched to my tit!

He has drank roughly 6 out of the last 8 nights which has pissed me off no end! He hasn't actually got drunk, but I do feel drinking 4 cans of beers most nights is excessive, especially for someone who is supposed to be helping care for a young child and a newborn. It's not a holiday after all.

But the thing that has really pushed me over the edge happened this morning. DS seems to be 'cluster feeding' so I was up every hour on the hour between 10pm and 5am last night, he finally slept for a 4 hour stretch and woke up at 9am, I fed him, changed his nappy and clothes for the day, his crying woke DD, she's starving wanting her breakfast, DS was becoming increasingly unsettled and I couldn't calm him down, I nudged OH and asked if he could either take DS and try and settle him or take DD down for her breakfast. He refused to do either despite snoring away all night, said he was having a lie in as it was Sunday morning. This was at 9:40am, I dont think I was asking much. I actually can't effing believe him! My blood is still boiling. Anyway I took DD down poured her a bowl of cereal with screaming DS in my arms, wasn't too much trouble, but not the point. Why should I struggle if he's supposed to be around to help me? DD is currently watching CBeebies and I've just settled DS. I've only just managed to get a cup of tea in peace and OH is only just emerging from his pit 🙄

Also I seem to be suffering from a really bad case of the 'baby blues' every day since roughly day 3/4 when my milk camekn, it will get to around 5pm'ish and I will just sit in my bedroom in floods of tears, and I'm on a really short fuse during the day (although I suspect OH's attitude has something to do with that aswell) OH has been less than supportive, I would absolutely love for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm doing a great job but OH is incapable of giving praise or affection, I've found myself really wishing I'd have had my mum here after all, as I'm feeling really low and getting worse with each passing day, I've found myself wishing I was back in hospital with DS as there are days I just don't want to leave my room but I feel I have to. Although I feel physically well, emotionally I am struggling, and I've really no one to talk to, no family around, no friends. My mum is only a phone call away which is great, but what I really want is love and support from my OH which I'm just not getting.

Just wanted to get all of this off my chest. Sorry for the long rant.

Mrsmummy90 Sun 05-May-19 12:14:35

What an absolutely selfish, lazy arsehole!!
Congratulations on the birth of your son!

You are doing a wonderful job and your children are so lucky to have such an amazing mum.

I would kick your OH out for a few days (to show him that his behaviour is not ok at all) and ask your mum to come and stay. You need support right now and it sounds like he will just refuse to offer it.

HollowTalk Sun 05-May-19 12:14:46

I would tell him to sod off back to work and ask my mum to come and help. He's a bloody disgrace. Congratulations on your baby. Sort this out now and ask someone useful and kind to be with you.

Asdfghjklll Sun 05-May-19 12:15:04

What a twat.
Sit your husband down and calmly explain he is not helping at all. Men sometimes need the obvious explained. Then tell him he either helps or your mum comes. You deserve to be looked after too.

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 12:54:51

Whenever he prepares a meal it usually involves chucking a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I really don't mind tbh, only he seems to think that's his license to put his feet up and do nothing for the rest of the evening and it is therefore up to me to wash dishes and put DD to bed as he 'made dinner'.

Frozen pizza is fine at the moment. If he gets a pass on the rest of the work after making dinner, so you do on the nights that you make dinner. Spell it out for him - what goes for him also goes for you.

You seem to be doing a large amount of housework - you've been hoovering, and he's also hoovered once, and you only came back from hospital two days ago?? Leave the housework for a bit. It's not important.

Have a proper conversation with him about the overnights. If you're doing all the feeds, he needs to do all the nappy changes. If he really feels he can't do that, you could give him a pass as long as he gets up at 5am each day to take the baby and let you lie in. If not, he gets the overnight nappy changes / settling.

Speaking of which, why have you done 99% of all nappy changes? Alternative them - "DH, I did the last one, it's your turn".

Playing with DD for 20 mins and then switching to CBeebies is fine. I could never manage more than 20 mins of childs' play in one stretch.

So... relax a bit, and speak to him about sharing the 'absolutely necessary' workload equally.

LittleMissEngineer Sun 05-May-19 12:55:02

Do you drive? Do you have a car? Do you get on well with your mother? If yes, then pack up what you need and take DS and DD and go stay with her. Honestly. If you can’t drive there, then ask her to come down.

I would write your DH as a lost cause for the next few weeks. I would actually think if writing him off longer term, but suggest that this isn’t the right time to consider that.

Your DH is taking the...

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 12:57:50

Also, since you've done all the childcare this morning, he can do all the childcare this afternoon.

You can do the baby feeds, but everything else - entertainment, nappy changes, food for the eldest - is on him.

Surely he has to agree that's fair since you've been doing it single-handed done it all morning? If he feels it's too much for him, ask why he thought it was ok to make you do it?

Parker231 Sun 05-May-19 13:00:20

I would either go and stay with your mum or arrange for her to come over and stay with you. That will help in the short term but you will need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is a pathetic father and partner.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sun 05-May-19 13:00:47

OH was useless after the birth of our first DD and I relied heavily on my mum for support, but this time around OH promised me that he'd be a 'better man' and he'd pull his weight,

1) don’t have another baby with him. Ever. No matter how much he promises.

2) was he pulling his weight before you got pregnant?

Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 13:00:48

Thanks for all of your kind words ladies. Feel so much better to get all of that off my chest. I wish I could sit him down and explain to him exactly how I felt but he'll just get defensive and angry, there's really no talking to him. Can't wait for him to buggar off back to work, and I don't know if this is just the hormones talking but I'm not even sure if I want to be with someone so uncaring, inconsiderate and selfish. He's always been like this, I'm sick of living in hope that he'll change I'm not sure if he ever will

ILoveMaxiBondi Sun 05-May-19 13:04:14

He's always been like this, I'm sick of living in hope that he'll change I'm not sure if he ever will

Ah. Question answered. He was like this before you got pregnant. And no, he won’t ever change. He doesn’t need to and there is no benefit for him in changing. He gets everything done for him, never has to lift a finger and the only price he has to pay is listening to you losing it every now and again because he knows you will go back to just doing everything once you’ve been got your rant off your chest. His life is sweet. Why would he change that?

Bluestitch Sun 05-May-19 13:09:12

Easy birth or not, you need to rest or you will end up ill. He's an absolute disgrace and I would be calling my mum for help in your position. Though I've just seen you say he's always been like this so you need to acknowledge that's the reality of your life if you stay with him.

Mayalready Sun 05-May-19 13:12:27

I hope you aren't doing his washing etc. Ring your dm and invite her to stay.
Dh twists, then too fucking bad.
Suggest he goes back to work Tuesday.

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 13:17:02

Suggest he goes back to work Tuesday.

No, don't. If he doesn't start helping with the baby, he's never going to. It's just cementing the idea that he works, so doesn't have to do any childcare, ever.

And personally I wouldn't call my mum to help. What sort of message is that? The kids' father won't do the work, so lets call in another woman to do it for him. But that's me, and I'm not tired and worn-down. So if you feel you need the support from your Mum, just ignore me smile

I would push him to agree that whatever goes for him, goes for you too. Surely that's fair? So he got a lie-in until 12 today. That means you get a lie-in until 12 tomorrow. Or does he think that's unreasonable?

Whoops75 Sun 05-May-19 13:22:03

Send him back to work and get your mum over.

ImNotNigel Sun 05-May-19 13:28:50

I wish I could sit him down and explain to him exactly how I felt but he'll just get defensive and angry, there's really no talking to him

He KNOWS how you feel. He just doesn’t care.

He gets angry to make you STFU so he can go back to his phone in peace.

Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 13:30:41

@iloveMaxibondi I absolutely will not be having any more babies. When I was on maternity after having DD, he did nothing to help and we argued non stop for 9 months! When I went back to work i suppose he did pull his weight a little more, he works 9-5, mon -fri, I worked 24hours a week in the evenings and every other weekend, before going off on maternity, so he would be looking after DD while I worked and vice versa, and when we were both at home we'd split housework and childcare 50/50. However it took a lot of nagging and complaining on my part to get him to finally understand what's expected of him. As I had an extra 2 days off I did all the bigger more time consuming household tasks so on the rare occasion we were together as a family we could spend it enjoying 'quality time' although tbh a lot of the time OH would be far happier doing his 'own thing' i.e sitting on the computer or his phone, and he has to be dragged kicking and screaming out to do family stuff. Now that I'm on maternity I'm worried he'll be of the belief I should be doing absolutely everything, and it's his god given right for him to have time to himself as he works all day and I don't (according to him being at home with kids is a breeze and he doesn't get how stressful/tiring and lonely it can be). During the last week my 3 year old has been more help to me than he has so I can only imagine how lazy he's going to get when he goes back to work.

He's always been an insensitive prick and probably always will be despite him struggling with his own mental health in the past and me being there for him when he needed me. I know some men are just rubbish at understanding when it comes to these kind of things but he hasn't so much as offered me a cuddle when I've sat up stairs by myself in floods of tears, he hasn't even attempted to understand how I'm feeling.

Orangepear Sun 05-May-19 13:35:05

My stbxh was similarly crap. I don't miss him. Definitely go and stay with your mum, or ask her to come to you. It will be her instinct to care for you, and easy birth or not, you need that at the moment.

Also, make life easy for yourself with breakfast for your 3yo. Keep something by your bed so you don't have to get up - banana, water bottle, bowl of dry cereal in bed will seem like a big treat to her. I bet she would like to help with your baby too - my DC have a 3 year age gap and my eldest loved to fetch nappies and wipes and bring me biscuits!

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 13:35:31

according to him being at home with kids is a breeze

Well, in that case he should have no problem looking after both kids this afternoon while you have a break?

Yukka Sun 05-May-19 13:36:41

Oh god how annoying this is. When is he supposed to go back to work? I think you have to tell him, forget his defensiveness, you’re but asking for an amasser if justification, yiu just need him to know he’s being a useless parent and partner right now and it would be better if he weren’t there. Then phone your mum to come down x

Mumtobe193 Sun 05-May-19 13:44:33

@LannieDuck I've done exactly that! I've gone back to bed with my sleeping DS and currently enjoying cuddles. I'd buggar off out for the afternoon and leave DS with him if he wasn't breastfed.

I've left OH to look after DD. We will see if OH has taken the initiative to put on a load of laundry or actually dress DD at some point today when I decide to emerge later on this afternoon ...

Quartz2208 Sun 05-May-19 13:48:34

Why are you with him OP he offers nothing to your life at all

LannieDuck Sun 05-May-19 13:53:17

Well done! Will be interesting to find out how (in)competent he is when left to get on with it by himself...

My guess is he won't have taken the initiative to do anything. When you get up, make it clear that you're having time off, and the household is his responsibility this afternoon.

MadeForThis Sun 05-May-19 14:02:00

Treat him like a child. Write a jobs list fir the week. Make sure he does his share. A frozen pizza doesn't count as making diner so he doesn't get nights off.

If he's still a twat when he returns to work make him fend for himself. Eat dinner before he comes home. Don't wash his clothes.

He's acting like he's on holiday.

SandyY2K Sun 05-May-19 14:05:55

Tell him if he doesn't buck up you'll get your mum to come over.

I have to say that frozen pizza is hardly nutritious for a breastfeeding mother.

My DH seemed to think paternity leave was a holiday first time round...I wanted to kick him back to work...he was bloody useless.

He bucked up a bit when I said I was talking DD to mum's over 200 miles away. I did take her, because I was shattered... he improved (a bit) when I came home.

Looking back, with the knowledge I have now... I would have been a lot more insistent on him doing more.

ChiaraRimini Sun 05-May-19 19:10:02

I'm so sorry OP but he sounds like a manipulative selfish waste of space.
Using your easy labour to make you start doing choreS as soon as you get home
Equating him putting a pizza in oven with you doing dishes and putting kids to bed
Having a lie in while you have been up all night with the baby.
Honestly I'd do yourself a favour and leave now.
I had to sleep on the sofa with my newborn (not safe) because the crying was disturbing my ex on our first night back from hospital and he needed his sleep. I stayed with him for 20 years, like a mug. I should have got out then, they never change.

aidelmaidel Sun 05-May-19 19:15:11

Hey, easy birth doesn't necessarily mean easy ride with postpartum hormones. Your DH is being a total cunt. You are not being in the least unreasonable. Get your mum in till you get pumping established, and then think about the future of this relationship.

LannieDuck Mon 06-May-19 09:44:38

How did it go when you got up yesterday, OP? And did you get a lie-in this morning to make up for his mega-lie-in on Sunday?

Hestrunnnnn Mon 06-May-19 10:22:49

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Merryoldgoat Mon 06-May-19 10:38:01

Look, I’m not trying to be a dick, but it’s clear from your posts you know what he’s like. He did nothing last time, he’s been no better this time, he’s insensitive and defensive and lazy.

You’re daft if you think he’d be any different this time.

You need to either accept his disgraceful behaviour or plan your life without him because you won’t change him.

I’d be sending him on his way.

Mumtobe193 Tue 14-May-19 02:49:54

So OH is now back at work.

He came home this evening. Ate dinner. Then buggared off upstairs for a 4 hour 'nap' because he was just 'so tired' (despite the fact I was the only one who was up in the night on Sunday with DS). Leaving me to get DD ready for bed, to bath DS and to wash all the dishes.

Then when I finally got to bed myself absolutely exhausted, DS woke up again just an hour later. Got him down within half an hour. An hour later ... awake again. He has now cried and fussed for the last 2 hours. & where is my OH? He jumped in the car about an hour ago and went to his parents to sleep. He ran off on me in the middle of the night, completely exhausted, I'm crying, baby's crying, DD's awake and she's crying, and rather than supporting me he's left me to deal with this completely on my own. I actually can't effing believe him. DD has finally fallen back to sleep in the last 10 mins & im Currently sat here giving DS his 12847271th feed in the last 2 hours feeling pretty shit tbh. Sleep deprived and severely pissed off would be an understatement.

Anyone else think this behaviour is completely unbelievable or is it just me?

Halo84 Tue 14-May-19 03:10:35

I can’t believe he went to his parents’ home!!

Time to call your mother. Either go stay with her, or have her come stay with you until your son is more settled.

Graphista Tue 14-May-19 03:16:08

Why are you flogging this not only dead but rotting horse?

Call your mum as soon as is a reasonable time to get her, tell him to stay at his bloody parents as you have enough on your plate raising 2 kids you don't need to be raising a 3rd in the form of a grown ass man!

I don't understand why you had a 2nd with him when you already knew he was lazy and useless but you are where you are, the point now is to not continue making the same mistake.

Contact your GP and HV to link in with support services for after your mum goes as I'm guessing she has her own life to return to at some stage.

DO NOT be tempted or talked into taking this waste of space back!

Aus84 Tue 14-May-19 03:24:17

No it's not just you OP. His behaviour is disgusting. Can you picture yourself being with this man for the rest of your life? Or do you think you deserve better.

ohtheholidays Tue 14-May-19 03:26:39

For the love of God kick the fucker out!

Ask your Mum if she could come and stay for a while so you can catch up on some well deserved sleep and so you have the extra pair of hands to help with your 2 young DC being as your OH is to much of a cunt to help out!

Merchant Tue 14-May-19 03:28:03

Get your mum down. You need help and he’s not giving it. He had a 4 hour nap and then left? Wow. So so selfish. Get your mum to come stay with you for a week and help. Message him and say “mums coming to stay with me. Stay at your parents. We will talk when I’ve actually had some help and some sleep. You’ve been incredibly selfish and leaving today showed that” I wouldn’t let him back until he bucks his ideas up.

DPotter Tue 14-May-19 03:29:32

That's absolutely disgraceful behaviour on the part of your DS father and his parents - they should have kicked him back!
If you're still awake - ring the parents house now and get them to wake him and send him back. Alternatively have his things in bin bags for him to collect tomorrow. Or both.........

Pushpull Tue 14-May-19 03:33:17

What a horrible man he is. Absolutely get your mum to stay and tell him you'll speak when you're calmer/clearer about what you want to do. I cant believe anyone would think that was ok (or that his mum wouldn't tell him to grow up and go home). Just get through tonight however you can, even if it involves the tablet for dd.

I cant see how you are better off for having him in your home at all!

Ferii Tue 14-May-19 03:34:41

I'm completely stunned by what an absolute shit your OH is! The initial bad behaviour was more than enough to qualify him as arsehole of the year but driving off in the night to sleep at his parent's is an utter pisstake! Your PIL shouldn't have let him in and sent him packing.

He needs a strong message, kick him out and he can go and live with his parents, that's the choice he made. Him being at home is making life more difficult not better for you. Get your mum down and ignore your OH for as long as it takes for him to realise he's a selfish waste of space. Make sure you tell your PIL your side of the story so they have no sympathy for the little bastard.

Mummaofmytribe Tue 14-May-19 03:36:49

You poor thing. I went through similar years ago. If your Mum is supportive, ring her, tell her everything so you can have a good cry and ask her to come stay as soon as she can. Then you'll have help with DD and housework while you struggle through those godawful cluster feeds.
Your husband, well you have to make a decision here. He's shown himself to be both lazy and selfish in the extreme. He doesn't care about either you or his little kids. He's willing to abandon you in the middle of the night! I hope his mother gives him an earful. I'd have been mortified if my son had done that when he and DIL had their LO. He would've been sent home to tend to his responsibilities

InionEile Tue 14-May-19 03:41:39

Just kick him out. Tell him to stay at his parents indefinitely like the overgrown child that he is. Do you have any other friends / family you can ask for help? You need some support. I hope your mother can come and stay with you. What is your living situation? Do you own / rent and whose name is the house / lease in? A lot to think about when you are sleep deprived and have a newborn but honestly this man-child is more of a hindrance than a help so he's no loss to you now that he's gone.

Mumtobe193 Tue 14-May-19 03:47:22

DS Is now in hysterics.

My nipples are now cracked and bleeding. Only a matter of time before DD gets up again. Sat here sobbbing.

OH's phone switched off.

What on earth do i do?

Lozzerbmc Tue 14-May-19 03:49:42

Outrageous that he should go to parents! I’d get my mum to help if it were me. So sorry you are going through this. Your OH is very selfish and frankly doesn’t deserve you. You are doing a wonderful job your DCs are lucky to have you.

e1y1 Tue 14-May-19 03:49:45

What kind of "man" leaves at 1 am in the morning leaving his partner and 2 kids, when 1 kid is less than 3 weeks old?, and he has work the next day? Hi

A bit of me hopes this isn't real (I'm not saying it isn't).

Lozzerbmc Tue 14-May-19 03:51:40

Get your mum in tomorrow and have a serious chat with OH about responsibilityflowers

Boobahs Tue 14-May-19 03:52:07

Get you all into one bed, snuggle up and try to grab a doze. Plaster your boobs in nipple cream. Hugs xx

Coyoacan Tue 14-May-19 03:57:15

Really OP, I have rarely heard of such appalling behaviour.

You need your mother, now.

Poppins2016 Tue 14-May-19 03:58:49

Take it hour by hour. This difficult night will come to an end. flowers

Call your mum in the morning and ask her to stay/go and stay with her. Then take it from there. One thing at a time.

Windygate Tue 14-May-19 04:00:16

He told you all along who he was, a lazy man who is a rubbish father and partner. Now believe him. I'm sorry to be harsh, you don't need kicking when your down but you need help.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to ring me right now, I'd pack a bag and get in the car. Your mum isn't stupid she knows exactly how useless this man is.

His parents are an absolute disgrace, they should have sent him straight back home and told him to start being a decent human being.

If your not asleep and baby is safe go and make yourself a cup tea and grab some biscuits. First thing in the morning ring your mum if you haven't already and ring the midwife/health visitor.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

Windygate Tue 14-May-19 04:00:42

He told you all along who he was, a lazy man who is a rubbish father and partner. Now believe him. I'm sorry to be harsh, you don't need kicking when your down but you need help.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to ring me right now, I'd pack a bag and get in the car. Your mum isn't stupid she knows exactly how useless this man is.

His parents are an absolute disgrace, they should have sent him straight back home and told him to start being a decent human being.

If your not asleep and baby is safe go and make yourself a cup tea and grab some biscuits. First thing in the morning ring your mum if you haven't already and ring the midwife/health visitor.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

Windygate Tue 14-May-19 04:01:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Windygate Tue 14-May-19 04:01:42

He told you all along who he was, a lazy man who is a rubbish father and partner. Now believe him. I'm sorry to be harsh, you don't need kicking when your down but you need help.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to ring me right now, I'd pack a bag and get in the car. Your mum isn't stupid she knows exactly how useless this man is.

His parents are an absolute disgrace, they should have sent him straight back home and told him to start being a decent human being.

If your not asleep and baby is safe go and make yourself a cup tea and grab some biscuits. First thing in the morning ring your mum if you haven't already and ring the midwife/health visitor.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

HoustonBess Tue 14-May-19 04:03:04

Get your mum in.

When you're calm and have had a bit of sleep, write out a day or two's diary showing what you've done vs what DH has done, hour by hour.

I'd properly lose your shit at him and make if clear your relationship is on the line and you need him to step up. Make it clear you're not a drudge and won't be letting him treat you like one.

Sorry you're going through this. thanks

Bbang Tue 14-May-19 04:10:50

I have a daughter, if this was her I would want her to ring me no matter what time of day/night. Ring your mum lovely!

And as for that prick, well he’s well and truly shown his colours hadn’t he. He will never change, the never do. Bag up his essentials dump them by the back door and tell him you hope he’s happy at his parents as that’s where he’s living now.

Boot the waste of space out and accept the help from your mum, I’m rarely shocked by things these days but this takes the cake. He is a fucking disgrace.

Pushpull Tue 14-May-19 04:11:34

When/if dd wakes the tablet is fine isnt it.

For your nipples take some painkillers, get some nipple cream on and try leaving them uncovered. Will baby take a dummy/bottle just to give you an hours respite? As a one off I dont think itll affect bf'ing

Could you ring your mum now, she could come in the morning and you could get back to bed.

Leave your husband where he is, dont waste what little energy you have on him. That's a problem for another day, and abig one at that. Right now you need to get through the night cake

Preggosaurus9 Tue 14-May-19 04:17:46

What the fuck? I am in shock that this man has run away to his parents. What is he, 12? I am so sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve to be treated that way and neither do the DC. He does not deserve the love of any of you, the selfish git.

Please ring your mum as soon as you can, I'm sure she would want to come and help as soon as possible.

You are an amazing mum, you can get through this.

blackcat86 Tue 14-May-19 04:22:48

What an absolute twat. DH was awful when I was pregnant and when DD was little but even he didnt just leave. Kick him out. Hes made a choice to leave the family unit and you're better off without him so you can actually get some help. Get your mum over. I suspect she'll be happy to hear from you and to get stuck in.

Shipwrecked2019 Tue 14-May-19 04:26:16

Please don't let him come home. My DS is 16 weeks old and the thought of you doing all that within days of your son being born makes me so sad for you. There's no benefit to him being there as he doesn't support you. You may as well be by yourself and not resentful of him dossing around whilst you do everything.

What are his mum and dad like? What will they think of him turning up? Hopefully they will tell him he's being an absolute knob!

Halo84 Tue 14-May-19 04:33:29

I would not blame his parents. They probably don’t know the situation.

OP, is your DS hungry? Is that why he’s waking? My second was almost 10lbs, and I didn’t have enough milk for a while. Your stress level and fatigue may be affecting your milk production. Can you supplement with formula? I did for some time (can’t recall now, 4 or 6 weeks). He slept better, and I got more rest. I had the purist nurses telling me my body would produce what he needed, but I don’t regret the supplementing.

cordeliavorkosigan Tue 14-May-19 04:38:14

Is he bad enough that you just want to leave? do you think he'll ever get better?

would showing him this thread help?

would not letting him see either DC until he shapes up help? go to your parents, turn off your phone, leave a note that he won't see your dc without a court order unless he shapes completely up?

I don't know of course. but he is acting like a complete and total arse.

cordeliavorkosigan Tue 14-May-19 04:38:46

and yes - there are times for formula and this really does sound like one of them.

BonAccordSpur Tue 14-May-19 04:50:56

wow another useless dad! never heard this story before...get him to exchange places with your mum for as long as possible and if he's still a uselessfuck on his return make his departure permanant..

Mumtobe193 Tue 14-May-19 04:51:12

I don't actually have any formula in the house, otherwise I'd definitely give it a go, I'm so desperate for sleep now!

Although actually I don't think he's hungry? He seems pretty satisfied after all of his feeds? He's plenty of wet and dirty nappies and has gained lots of weight already.

However he's been really congested since the day he came home from the hospital, so I suspect the crying tonight is down to discomfort. He's been at the doctors twice and just been given saline drops and told it will pass. Plus he really seems to struggle with getting his wind up. I think it's a combination of a blocked nose and a bit of trapped wind tonight and he keeps latching on and off me for comfort more than anything I think.

He's fallen asleep in my arms finally. I can hear the birds singing and it's getting light outside already so I hope to god he stays asleep when I put him in his crib because it's only a few hours max until DD gets up!

Blondiemama Tue 14-May-19 05:01:21

OP, this is absolutely horrific behaviour from your OH. Please call your mum this morning and get her round, even if it’s just so you can go to sleep for a few hours. I’d also suggest speaking to your HV/GP, sounds like you need some proper care even if it’s just chatting through how you’re feeling. As for the useless idiot that is your OH, I’d be seriously tempted to tell him to stay at his parents for a few weeks if he’s not going to support you practically or emotionally. You don’t need a third child to look after and I’m sorry OP but his behaviour is simply unacceptable. You need to look after yourself and the DC first and don’t give that shit a second of your time and energy right now.

Kaleela Tue 14-May-19 05:08:52

I wouldn't be letting the bastard back in. What an absolute selfish waste of space and how dare his mother allow him to do that. You poor poor thing.

gerispringer Tue 14-May-19 05:17:18

Phone mum first thing. Go and stay at hers or get her to come to you, tell her the full story, tell her it’s an emergency. It sounds like she will be supportive.
Talk to the HV today, get an urgent appointment re your feelings and the feeding issues.
Have you got a friend who could look after DD for a couple of hours today? You could get some respite and start packing.
Think about getting legal advice.

InionEile Tue 14-May-19 05:17:35

Do you have a sling? That saved me so many times when I was on my own with a non-sleeping baby and hyper 3 year old and DH either sick or traveling for work. It meant I could keep her quiet while I got on and did what I had to do. Sit up with the baby and watch TV, if he won’t sleep. It might calm down that panicky feeling you get when you haven’t slept. The 3 year old can join in when she wakes up. In your situation you’re in survival mode, so just do whatever you have to do to get through the hours.

Wishing you the best, some rest and I hope you can get some help from family or friends soon to keep you going. flowers xx

Blondebakingmumma Tue 14-May-19 05:20:57

Oh OP. I remember how difficult the early days were when my DS was new and I also had my dd (similar age gap). It’s really really tough going, but hang in there it will slowly get easier. I was a walking zombie for the first year (my son had terrible gas and crap sleeper).

I’d ring your MIL and tell her to tell her deadbeat son to pull his head in, man up and send him home to help his struggling wife or don’t plan on returning.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 14-May-19 05:22:02

I second using a baby carrier! It made life so much more bearable.

category12 Tue 14-May-19 05:34:29

Wow, op. I hope you are getting some sleep now.

Call your mum when you're up and get some help and support.

I think he should go to his parents permanently. Unbelievable.

Nc1548 Tue 14-May-19 05:35:17

I hope you are asleep OP. You are doing great. Hard as it is if DS isn't well breastfeeding will help him fight infection. I hope he feels better soon.

You OH is unbelievable, leaving you on your own in the middle of the night would be bad enough, but with 2 children?? And his parents take him in??

That would absolutely be it for me.
At least if you get rid of him you don't get upset because he's not helping and someone else can step in. Ask your mum for help.

I really really really can't believe he left you with a poorly baby and your DD in the middle if the night and turned off his phone. What if something happened?? I have had to take DC to A&E in the middle of the night.

I wouldn't tell him to stay at his parents "for a few weeks" (he obviously doesn't mind and why should he get a break?)

Him moving out for 52 weeks per year would be my preference.

Do not let him minimise the seriousness of his irresponsible selfish behaviour.


Shoxfordian Tue 14-May-19 05:39:43

Hope you're getting some sleep. Can your Mum still come to help you or stay? Tell your useless partner not to bother coming back

GertrudeCB Tue 14-May-19 05:40:32

I have heard of some shitty husbands but yours is in a league of his own angry.
Call your mum,

TacoTeabagging Tue 14-May-19 05:59:40

What an absolute selfish fucking BASTARD!! His behaviour tonight was beyond disgraceful. He's abandoned you and the children when you need help because he perceives his needs as more important. Fuck that . If he were my DH that would be it, he'd find all his shit waiting for him on the doorstep.
He's been next to useless your whole relationship but now he's telling you loud and clear that what he wants trumps what you and the children need. You deserve so much more than that, don't ever think that you don't. Tell him to live at his sodding mothers!

cloudymelonade Tue 14-May-19 05:59:56

Everyone else had said it but didn't want to read and run. Please get your mum to come and help you, you deserve and need some rest!
My DH is currently on his last week of paternity leave and if he had behaved like that, I would have shown him the door.

Poundlandkate Tue 14-May-19 06:28:51

What a selfish bastard. Don't let him back in he can stay with his Mum. Call your Mum and get her to come down.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo Tue 14-May-19 06:30:40

i can't tell you how angry I would be if my adult son turned up at mine to sleep, having left his partner to cope with their children - let alone a newborn (barring truly exceptional circs like a career-deciding exam the next day).

Call your mother. Pack his stuff, put it out, he is not to come back until he understands what he has done.

LannieDuck Tue 14-May-19 06:59:01

Do whatever you've got to do, OP. Call your parents, call your in-laws, ask friends for help.

He won't like that, of course, because it will make him look bad. But you do what you need to do to get through the next few nights.

And when you feel ready, tell him not to come home.

LellyMcKelly Tue 14-May-19 07:19:00

Jesus, I can’t believe he actually did that. How self centred do you have to be to actually pull a stunt like that? I’d have his things in a bin bag and on the door step in a heartbeat. What an absolute waste of space.

Morgan12 Tue 14-May-19 07:26:56

Please please please stay firm on this one and do not allow him back. I wouldn't even let him back to pack a bag.

I'd pack one and drop it at his mums today. Tell her what's been happening. No need to hide it.

He isn't helping you at all anyway so he shouldn't be missed much. Hopefully this will give him a swift kick up the arse.

I'm furious on your behalf. What an arsehole.

MrsMozartMkII Tue 14-May-19 07:26:58

You need to rip your 'D'H a new one!

What a selfish self-centred shit.

Ditto others. Get your mum there soonest, and when you've slept and got your brain in gear, give your relationship with your husband a good going over.

I'm so bloody angry for you lass. Have a huge hug and a handhold.

pudding21 Tue 14-May-19 07:27:43

Phone him in the morning and tell him to stay away. Call your mum and ask her to come help. In the meantime, do what you can and don’t put too high expectations on yourself. You poor thing. And he’s a wanker.

BelleSausage Tue 14-May-19 07:31:46

You are doing a brilliant job all on your own. It sounds like he is not helping much anyway. You sound like a great mum. Let the house slide for a bit. Your DD can watch a bit of tv while the baby is little. It won’t hurt. Give yourself all the breaks you can. Call your mum.

I would tell him to stay away for a bit. Perhaps the shock might bring him to his senses!

Good luck! You can do it.

Ruru8thestars Tue 14-May-19 07:38:00

Call your mum. Leave this arsehole

peachgreen Tue 14-May-19 07:40:46

He's a waste of space OP. Get your mum over and get rid of this arsehole.

NabooThatsWho Tue 14-May-19 07:42:01

God what a dick. He just doesn’t care does he? He brings no value whatsoever to you or your DCs lives.

Get your mum round to stay and don’t contact him.

Also you could try a bit of formula and possibly a dummy so you can get a bit more rest? Some sleep will do you the world of good.

Big hugs flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 14-May-19 07:43:19

Do not continue to teach your children such crappy lessons about relationships. Unfortunately you have likely hung in there in the forlorn hope that he would change and step up. He has really and truly now shown you how selfish he really is and this is who he was all along. I would imagine that his parents have taken his side and are very much of a similar nature.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.
This man needs to be gone from your life permanently and I would seriously consider giving both children your surname now rather than his. You do not need to hand over any more power and control to him.

0ccamsRazor Tue 14-May-19 07:49:05

Op i dont have any advice other that what has already been suggested.

I am so sorry that you are coping alone with your very small dc as well as recovering from the birth.

Sending you lots of (((hugs)))
I hope that your dm comes to help you today.


NeatFreakMama Tue 14-May-19 07:50:05

This is horrible, you’re doing an amazing job! Can you get your mum around, you badly need rest. I can not believe his behaviour, I’m so sorry.

Oblomov19 Tue 14-May-19 07:54:42

Why haven't you told him everything you've written on this thread. He sounds like a complete emotional idiot. Waste of space.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 14-May-19 07:56:18

I would have called his parents landline.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 14-May-19 07:56:41

And instead of your mum ask PIL for help.

Doobydoodah Tue 14-May-19 08:01:31

Call your mum now. Forget the rights and wrongs and long term. You need care and support to get you and the children over this tricky time. Baby blues every day? You need your mum now.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay Tue 14-May-19 08:07:54

You ring your mum. You take the kids and you go there and stay there. You tell your useless DH to fuck off.

Your DH’s behaviour has nothing to do with your hormones.

Pushpull Tue 14-May-19 09:00:04

I hope you've had some sleep and your mum is on her way. Do you feel safe feeding lying down, there is good advice on cosleeping from the lullaby trust which may help you get some sleep. Also you can slightly incline the cot which may help.

Is there anyone who could take your oldest out for a walk to the park or similar to burn some energy off. And perhaps you could pick up some ready mixed bottles just to give you a break at night time, the feeding is great particularly if he has a cold but there is no harm in one off supplementing/top ups.

It's hard to tell I guess whether you're crying because of the situation or whether there is anything more going on, but its maybe worth speaking to your hv/gp

I agree totally with what's been said about your dh but I just wouldnt waste the energy on trying to fix/deal with him just now.

You and your mum have got this

Oohgossip Tue 14-May-19 09:07:06

He’s a waste of space. Don’t let him back home, there are 2 kids now who’ll be watching example and you do t want them thinking this or normal or ok.

Suebnm Tue 14-May-19 09:12:59

I have read some really awful things on here but this is really bad.

My sons wife (who is wonderful) had a baby 5 days ago and I have just given my son a talking to, I would not have let him in my house if he had done that to my lovely daughter in law, the mother of my grandchildren.

You need to reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend OP, you're doing a fabulous job with your two but you don't need this kind of severe stress. It will only get worse.

Please talk to someone in real life.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay Tue 14-May-19 09:13:11

I would be wanting to know why only his sleep and his rest is important?

foreverhanging Tue 14-May-19 09:26:12

Op, I would tell him not to come back home and that you'll leave his things out the front for him. What an absolute waste of oxygen he is.

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