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Cheating Husband

(76 Posts)
Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 10:52:18

Cheating cruel husband

Last year I got married, did IVF and suffered a natural miscarriage at 9 wks (first pregnancy ever). I was in a bad state emotionally and physically for couple of months. During this time my new husband turned to a female friend who supported him. I was not aware of his woman until I noticed a lot of messaging over the year. My husband said he was helping her because she was trying to flee her abusive husband but she then started clinging onto him. The messaging was becoming constant and I was constantly saying to my husband this is not right and I started to get a gut feeling it was more than friends. BTW I never met or heard of this woman before and apparently she does not have a relationship with her 3 children. It seems they have sided with their father. The youngest lives with the ‘abusive father’.

She’s very manipulative and over the year made her intentions clear to my husband that he should leave his new wife to be with her. She ruined a few special occasions (family birthday, first year anniversary, New Year’s Eve). She was desperate for my husband to be with her.

In the new year my husband said he needed time out due to various issues effecting him (work, marriage, relationship with his daughter). He left the home and did not tell anyone where he is staying other than work and ‘friends’. I was worried and tried my best to seek help via counselling, speaking to his family, GP etc which none was appreciated. In our first couples counselling he admitted he had a physical relationship with her. The crashed my world, my marriage, my future hopes and dreams of having a family). Since then he’s made us separate and I think is having a relationship with this other woman. She recently posted very loving messages to my husband which he liked and loves. He still saying he wants to do counselling but I’m concerned he’s not really into it. This woman has damaged my life and taken away my wife rights. She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!

I’m strugglin to know what to do, I’m 45 and wanted a life with my husband. I’ve seaked legal advice but I need substantial proof plus I won’t get any financial win out of a short marriage. I am the real victim but yet my husband and twisted everything and blames me for him having an affair!

Ladies (and gentlemen) what would you do in my situation? X

Mythreefavouritethings Thu 16-May-19 19:59:13

Never, not ever!

Mythreefavouritethings Thu 16-May-19 19:58:47

You’re on the right road, OP, and in the longer term when you look back, think the future you is going to be so proud of you! Very best of luck, this was ever getting a happy ending as it was.

Isreeh Thu 16-May-19 19:22:03

@category12, thank you. My family and close friends all agree too. I’m in shock though at making this decision. I hope he regrets it all one day and realise what he’s lost. X

category12 Thu 16-May-19 18:41:37

You're doing the right thing, OP. flowers

Isreeh Thu 16-May-19 17:05:07

So I’ve finalky done it! Petitioned for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour! I’m in shock, sad, hurt and feel scared and volunerable for the future. I know it’s my feelings but I still love my husband but cannot be treated this way anymore! I hope there will be light at the end of the tunnel! X

Isreeh Sun 12-May-19 18:44:11

@Mythreefavouritethings, thank you for the tip regarding the drama triangle. Very interesting and some of it makes sense. My H is controlling the whole situation and making out he is the victim. But the truth be told I see it completely the other way.

I see myself as the 'victim' being persecuted by H for no reason.
OW sees H as the 'victim' and is being the rescuer with her own agenda. H is having his cake and eating it! angry sad

Mythreefavouritethings Sun 12-May-19 12:48:59

By the way, I use victims with inverted commas, not referring to genuine ones.

Mythreefavouritethings Sun 12-May-19 12:48:15

The mental health (complete manipulation by the way) issues will not magically go away with someone else. You’ve created a vacancy for another bullshit inbox, he won’t be able to resist. Victims always need a villain of the piece, it comes with the territory. Stand back and let him fill the fresh air with what he needs - toxic fumes in the form of another ‘cruel’ woman. If you can, Google drama triangles. You have perpetrator, rescuer, and victim. It’s clear which roles HE thinks you both occupy, might be interesting on reflection to see what you think.

Isreeh Sun 12-May-19 12:35:22

@Mythreefavouritethings, I really hope that part comes when he realises what he’s thrown away. At the moment he’s acting all arrogant because he’s got another woman so doesn’t care about me.

The other thing which you might have read in this thread is he claims he’s got some mental health issues. All his anger is towards me that I didn’t love him, took him for granted, wasn’t there for him emotionally after the miscarriage. Really it’s two things going on, manipulation from the OW and him blaming me for his own choices and actions. Let’s see but all I know is he’s not the man I married.

Mythreefavouritethings Sun 12-May-19 12:14:12

As tempting as it can be to hope he sees sense and you get some payback, the very best moment is the one where you realise he is no longer occupying either head or heart space. The irony is, it’s often the way that it’s at precisely this moment the realisation of what they’ve thrown away hits them. Too late. I wish you all the strength and joy in the world, OP, this is the painful part so hold tight and draw strength when and where needed. This is the right path x

Isreeh Sun 12-May-19 12:01:51

Thank you @Mythreefavouritethings for your kind words. It’s a massive step for me to take considering I still love my husband very much. I never really got to enjoy married life as the affair started 5-6 months into our marriage.

I have been wondering whether I did do the right thing leaning the house (it’s his house really). But I guess time will tell if he starts to release what he’s done by damaging our lives and marriage. X

Mythreefavouritethings Sun 12-May-19 10:08:18

Just saw update. You’re going to be just fine, OP. Courage and class in spades. It’s going to get better and maybe one day you’ll be back here helping someone else get through this situation.

Mythreefavouritethings Sun 12-May-19 10:06:45

He is giving you crumbs because you serve the purpose of being his bullshit inbox. Any worries or negative feelings, he gets to dump into you and you can hold them for him. I feel sad reading your comments but it does feel there’s an underlying awareness of what is happening here. There is no easy and painless answer but you have a short/long term situation here. You can keep dealing with he pain in the short term by engaging with him and trying to get into his head, or you can look at the longer term gains of starting to free yourself. You sound lovely. You could do a lot better. Life is short.

Isreeh Sun 12-May-19 09:29:44

@DieselSucker, yes I have a supportive network of close friends and family. They say I’m doing the right thing x I wonder what my H is going to make of it when he comes back from holiday!!

@nisnamesblaine, husband had an affair first year of marriage, all after I had a miscarriage. Blames me and still seeing the other woman. 💔

Hisnamesblaine Sat 11-May-19 23:55:40

Why are you leaving the family home?

DieselSucker Sat 11-May-19 23:45:28

@Isreeh It won't be always this hard. This too shall pass. Do you have family or friends who you can talk to?

BumbleBeee69 Sat 11-May-19 12:54:12

you can make it through this Lady flowers

Isreeh Sat 11-May-19 11:39:59

Well picked up my stuff (H on holiday) but it was really sad. I cried leaving my marital home and I even kissed my H bed pillows goodbye. It’s difficult and totally heartbreaking
H has hardly made no effort to fix anything so no choice left. 😥😓😔

DieselSucker Sat 11-May-19 01:11:54

Well done in starting your divorce procedures. You deserve better! It may be very hard now but I'm sure you'll be much better without that despicable person in your life. flowers Good luck!

BumbleBeee69 Fri 10-May-19 21:52:42

thank goodness you're finally seeing this clown for what he us .. a selfish self absorbed manipulating calculating gaslighting CUNT.

well done OP flowers

Isreeh Fri 10-May-19 21:42:21

Thank you @user1497997754 and @alonelonelyloner for your kind birthday wishes. It was pretty upsetting knowing what I have to do.

I’m collecting all my things from the house tomorrow but feel sick, nervous and scared. I know it’s the right decision and it sucks and still painful process. 💔😥

user1497997754 Fri 10-May-19 19:05:54

Happy Birthday you deserve love and happiness and your making the first step to achieving it take good care x

AloneLonelyLoner Fri 10-May-19 17:35:14

Oh fantastic!!!!!! Well done. I'm so thrilled for you.

Belated happy birthday! ❤️

Isreeh Fri 10-May-19 15:42:22

So to all you lovely people reading and supporting me in this post I want to let you know I have instructed my solicitor to start drafting the divorce on the grounds of 'Unreasonable Behaviour'.

The last straw came when he accused me of 'Battering and Bruising' him! I mean WTF, he is projecting himself onto me. That comment hurt like hell and I am the victim and he has twisted it all around.

Anyway here goes, wish me luck (God I am going to need it!)

pinkyredrose Thu 09-May-19 09:11:50

Happy birthday OP! Maybe this time next year you'll be happy by yourself! You don't need a man to make you happy!

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