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Cheating Husband

(76 Posts)
Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 10:52:18

Cheating cruel husband

Last year I got married, did IVF and suffered a natural miscarriage at 9 wks (first pregnancy ever). I was in a bad state emotionally and physically for couple of months. During this time my new husband turned to a female friend who supported him. I was not aware of his woman until I noticed a lot of messaging over the year. My husband said he was helping her because she was trying to flee her abusive husband but she then started clinging onto him. The messaging was becoming constant and I was constantly saying to my husband this is not right and I started to get a gut feeling it was more than friends. BTW I never met or heard of this woman before and apparently she does not have a relationship with her 3 children. It seems they have sided with their father. The youngest lives with the ‘abusive father’.

She’s very manipulative and over the year made her intentions clear to my husband that he should leave his new wife to be with her. She ruined a few special occasions (family birthday, first year anniversary, New Year’s Eve). She was desperate for my husband to be with her.

In the new year my husband said he needed time out due to various issues effecting him (work, marriage, relationship with his daughter). He left the home and did not tell anyone where he is staying other than work and ‘friends’. I was worried and tried my best to seek help via counselling, speaking to his family, GP etc which none was appreciated. In our first couples counselling he admitted he had a physical relationship with her. The crashed my world, my marriage, my future hopes and dreams of having a family). Since then he’s made us separate and I think is having a relationship with this other woman. She recently posted very loving messages to my husband which he liked and loves. He still saying he wants to do counselling but I’m concerned he’s not really into it. This woman has damaged my life and taken away my wife rights. She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!

I’m strugglin to know what to do, I’m 45 and wanted a life with my husband. I’ve seaked legal advice but I need substantial proof plus I won’t get any financial win out of a short marriage. I am the real victim but yet my husband and twisted everything and blames me for him having an affair!

Ladies (and gentlemen) what would you do in my situation? X

BogglesGoggles Sat 04-May-19 18:21:01

You need to stop fixating on the other woman. He turned out to be an arsehole. You don’t seem to have anything preventing your from divorcing him so just get rid of the bastard.

Redglitter Sat 04-May-19 19:39:24

Does he really want me or the OW

Why on earth are you letting him make that decision. Clearly he wants the OW or she wouldn't be in the picture.

Stop blaming her for this & kick him out. Let her have him. Hes hardly a catch

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 05-May-19 09:42:36

No. He hasn't changed since the OW. That's just when he stopped pretending.

You really do need to start getting angry with the right person.

ScreamingLadySutch Sun 05-May-19 09:47:42

Does he really want me or the OW

Here is your answer:

The Unified Theory of Cake
April 19, 2012 by Chump Lady

Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)

The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense.

Cake eaters act vague. They need time. They appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.

There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave.

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 10:12:08

@ScreamingLadySutch

I like the cake theory which does present a interesting way to see it. As the chump I do feel everything above and I need to remove the cake fork.

What is so messed up is how he does blame me for his actions. Below is his text this week but it’s all Bullshit! He’s so delusional but yet is trying to justify his own actions.

“I had an affair because you didn't love me and you don't love me, support me and made me feel isolated and a stranger in my own home. You made it all about you. I am not living in my own home it became somewhere I felt uncomfortable and anxious.”

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 10:16:18

Also he thinks he’s having some sort of mid life crisis. Recent issues include PTSD so again is excuses to have an affair. He’s not been officially diagnosed and has not been to GP to be assessed. Excuses!!

RevealTheLegend Sun 05-May-19 15:01:04

What is so messed up is how he does blame me for his actions. Below is his text this week but it’s all Bullshit! He’s so delusional but yet is trying to justify his own actions

Nope

That’s cheating bastard 101. he’s keeping you focused on something other than what a massive cock he is being. He’ll bowl all sorts of outrageous bullshit at you, and once he sees you bite (ie react in any way) he’ll keep throwing variations on the theme to keep you questioning yourself instead of stepping back and seeing the obvious truth. He’s a cheating arsehole who doesn’t deserve another minute of your time.

Ignore and move on.

(I find a nice bland statement like ‘well that’s your opinion and you are entitled to it‘ useful with people like that. Your not agreeing, but not down the rabbit hole of defending yourself either)

JuniFora Sun 05-May-19 15:44:37

Block him now. Don't waste anymore time or energy on him. Time is the most valuable commodity we have, he doesn't deserve yours. I like the cake theory too.

pickletickled Sun 05-May-19 16:09:47

No he's not having some kind of mid life crisis - he's just a cunt!

I also don't know where you were going with the - her kids live with her "abusive" ex? You don't know her to judge her for that so that's out of order too. FYI my dc stayed with their abusive arse of a father because I had a breakdown and he fucking brainwashed them (and everyone else too) My mental health issues do not make me a bad person.
She is guilty of being an arsehole for being involved with a married man but again, you don't know what your H has been telling her really.

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 16:10:30

The only option is to file for divorce from a massive cock. I know he’s to blame for this adultery but honestly I feel OW has influenced him to say some of the bullshit above. Ladies, this is not the type of friend you want in your circle. She’ll steal your man as she seems to love being the centre of attention in a group of men.

My stupid DH has also thrown away his future with a woman who would have done anything for him.

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 16:17:21

@pickletickled, yes you are right I don’t know the real full story to why her children are staying with the ex. But judging her Facebook posts she does not act like an abused person and openly says where is hanging out. She said to my DH that she was fleeing and hiding from her ex. In my opinion I’d really understand it but not when she’s acting like life is good! He may have brainwashed them too but her children (including two adult children) all don’t want a relationship with her. My friends all say none of it makes sense!

AnyFucker Sun 05-May-19 16:39:28

How should "an abused person act" ?

Please examine the language you are using.

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 16:45:27

@AnyFucker, yes you are right. I’m just hurt and angry that I’m not really thinking right myself. I’d normally never use such language. It’s the messed up situation which is causing me to be out of character. Sorry for any offence x

pickletickled Sun 05-May-19 16:47:36

Whaaat?
What is an abused person supposed to act like?
I don't act like one neither, as far as I'm aware. Yes, i can mope and cry if I really wanted to but I CHOOSE not to. My life is good! I have recently married, I go on holidays. I laugh, joke etc.... Should I not do those things because of my past then?
I initially came back on to relook at my previous post and was going to apologise if my initial response came across a bit harsh but jeez I now see it wasn't.

AnyFucker Sun 05-May-19 16:49:00

I am not offended, love. I am sorry you are hurting so much. The problem is your husband and even if OW was the worst person in the world it doesn't change the fact that he let her into his life.

pickletickled Sun 05-May-19 16:50:31

Ok so I have cross posted with your apology.
You really need to stop focusing on this woman. She may well not be a nice person but this is ALL the fault of your H. He made vows to you, she didn't. He alone is responsible for his own actions.
I get that you are upset, angry and hurting but you really need to direct it at HIM.

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 16:51:36

@pickleticked, I don’t know anything about abused people so its my naivety about such things for which I apologise. X Yes everyone is allowed to be happy regardless. The situation has messed up my normal way of thinking because my stupid husband has cheated on me while I was at my most volunerable and I’m angry and hurt. Sorry x

Summerwalk Sun 05-May-19 16:55:56

Stop with social media

Isreeh Sun 05-May-19 17:44:16

Yes he’s already the first step to block his posts so I don’t see his updates where he tags the OW.

The reason it seems I’m fixated with the OW is because a few years ago a different ex wanted me to have an affair with him (first year of marriage too) but I point blank refused knowing I didn’t want to hurt and damage someone else’s life. I guess it’s because I’d hope other women would be the same.

All of this is my arsehole husband fault 😥💔👿

Slicedpineapple Sun 05-May-19 17:54:42

As I said he’s blaming me for the affair, apparently I didn’t love him, took him for granted, did not support him, made him feel isolated, when I was struggling with the miscarriage, didn’t listen to him.

LT absolute fucking B

lisamac28 Sun 05-May-19 18:54:50

As I said he’s blaming me for the affair, apparently I didn’t love him, took him for granted, did not support him, made him feel isolated, when I was struggling with the miscarriage, didn’t listen to him. All these accusations are false as we were both very loving

Yes this is what lots of cheating men do, they will rewrite your entire history just so they can justify the cheating...otherwise they're just a horrible cheating bastard and well, they're not going to admit that are they? Google the cheaters script, it's all in there, my ex was textbook 'the script'.

lisamac28 Sun 05-May-19 18:55:39

Oh and stop doing the pick me dance. Let him go and take satisfaction that they'll never trust each other...two cheaters together, sounds lovely.

AloneLonelyLoner Sun 05-May-19 19:19:01

I'm so so sorry you are going through this and are in so much pain. It's fucking awful.

You do know that you must leave him. He may even try and win you back at some point. Please be strong. You are worth more. You. Are. Worth. Much. More.

Isreeh Mon 06-May-19 21:52:59

So today is my birthday and my H sent me a pitiful birthday card with, signing off ‘All my love’ which is very ironic to the way he’s been treating me! 👿 I’d rather him not say anything!

category12 Mon 06-May-19 22:25:16

Happy birthday OP. Your next year will be better without him.

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