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Cheating Husband

(76 Posts)
Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 10:52:18

Cheating cruel husband

Last year I got married, did IVF and suffered a natural miscarriage at 9 wks (first pregnancy ever). I was in a bad state emotionally and physically for couple of months. During this time my new husband turned to a female friend who supported him. I was not aware of his woman until I noticed a lot of messaging over the year. My husband said he was helping her because she was trying to flee her abusive husband but she then started clinging onto him. The messaging was becoming constant and I was constantly saying to my husband this is not right and I started to get a gut feeling it was more than friends. BTW I never met or heard of this woman before and apparently she does not have a relationship with her 3 children. It seems they have sided with their father. The youngest lives with the ‘abusive father’.

She’s very manipulative and over the year made her intentions clear to my husband that he should leave his new wife to be with her. She ruined a few special occasions (family birthday, first year anniversary, New Year’s Eve). She was desperate for my husband to be with her.

In the new year my husband said he needed time out due to various issues effecting him (work, marriage, relationship with his daughter). He left the home and did not tell anyone where he is staying other than work and ‘friends’. I was worried and tried my best to seek help via counselling, speaking to his family, GP etc which none was appreciated. In our first couples counselling he admitted he had a physical relationship with her. The crashed my world, my marriage, my future hopes and dreams of having a family). Since then he’s made us separate and I think is having a relationship with this other woman. She recently posted very loving messages to my husband which he liked and loves. He still saying he wants to do counselling but I’m concerned he’s not really into it. This woman has damaged my life and taken away my wife rights. She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!

I’m strugglin to know what to do, I’m 45 and wanted a life with my husband. I’ve seaked legal advice but I need substantial proof plus I won’t get any financial win out of a short marriage. I am the real victim but yet my husband and twisted everything and blames me for him having an affair!

Ladies (and gentlemen) what would you do in my situation? X

pinkyredrose Sat 04-May-19 10:58:41

You're 'concerned he's not really into it' hmm of course he isn't, he couldn't make it any clearer. Don't blame the woman, she hasn't broken any code,it's your sad excuse of a husband who cheated on you, not her.

NoBaggyPants Sat 04-May-19 11:00:12

Your husband no longer wants to be married to you, he's made that clear by his actions. You need to make a plan to move on with your life without him in it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you'd be delusional to think anything good will come out of trying to stay together.

Do you own your property or rent it? Do you work?

JuniFora Sat 04-May-19 11:01:48

Get away from him, file for divorce and move on. The woman is irrelevant. He had an affair because he chose to. He left because he chose to. He is not who you want him to be and won't give you want you want.

Don't waste another second of energy on him. Clear him out of your life and focus on building what you want for the future.

category12 Sat 04-May-19 11:17:14

The other woman isn't evil and she couldn't have ruined your marriage if your DH hadn't been interested. He is your problem - he cheated on you at a vulnerable time and then left you.

If you're in the UK, you don't need "substantial proof" of adultery, it'll make zero difference to any financial settlements.

What you need to do is get on with the divorce and move on with your life, get counselling on your own maybe to deal with the emotions round it all.

AnyFucker Sat 04-May-19 11:21:30

Why are you still trying to engage with him ? He has left you for another woman. His choice, despite you trying to excuse him by blaming the wicked OW.

ravenmum Sat 04-May-19 11:22:48

She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!
Your husband, who broke his wedding vows, doesn't realise how nasty of the OW it was to break the "girl code"?

Summersunsareglowing Sat 04-May-19 11:40:59

Wtf. Do you really need to ask what you should do?
What further proof do you need of his adultery? Didn't he admit to a physical relationship with the OW while you were in a counselling session? Isn't that all you need?
Why would you expect or want money from a short marriage?

Just divorce him and come out of the marriage with your self-respect intact.

Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 11:43:46

I know ladies it’s all down to him and breaking the wedding vows. I’m so hurt and living in a nightmare. My mental and physical health has been effected where I’m slowly going into depression. I’m just in disbelief he would do that so soon after getting married. I know he’s the one to blame and be angry with but I guess I still love him and living in some delusional hope.

The reason why I hate the OW too is because she knew he just married and wanted him to help her instead of his wife. We just started married life and I feel I’ve jusd been kicked to the curb.

MarIsFiuLiomE Sat 04-May-19 11:48:05

Id say your husband is cruel enough to not FINALLY call time on your marriage because he wants the freedom to go and see if it works out with yerwan and then come back to you if it doesn't/

Counselling?! why? because he wants his cake and to eat it later. he wants two cakes and wants the freedom to come and go with both cakes waiting to see who gets eaten and who gets spat out.

Honestly just call time on the marriage yourself. He's afraid it won't work out with the woman. You don't know what the future holds but you can be the stronger one.

category12 Sat 04-May-19 11:51:14

You need to cut contact with him, because he's fucking with your head.
You need to start divorce proceedings.
You need to see your GP and/or a counsellor to help you deal with all the emotional fallout of this. I'm sorry that he's done this to you flowers. It's not just the marriage, it's the hope of a dc as well, isn't it?

It's OK to hate the OW, but don't let that deflect you from the reality that he chose this.

MarIsFiuLiomE Sat 04-May-19 11:52:37

OP, I sympathise with your hatred of the other woman, but rationally, think, what woman even a 'bad' woman who breaks the girl code as you call it gets this involved with a man who says this to her

''i haven't confirmed to my wife that we're done, in fact I've told her that counselling might save us, so really you can't count on me love, this might work out, it might not, i'm hoping i have a door mat to fall back on, I will not release the door mat by confirming to her that she is free to start moving on, so, with that in mind, you gonna invest your emotional energy in to me?''.

Nope. You can guess yourself the version of events she's been told.

''i want to confirm to her that it's over but she's crazy and I don't want her to have a breakdown. just give me 3 weeks. yeh i know i said that 2 months ago but you have to be patient. we do have a future together, probably i just haven't told my wife yet because i'm not certain about you either ''

KennyCalmIt Sat 04-May-19 11:56:40

I understand your anger towards her but she hasn't forced him into anything. He’s a grown man with his own mind. He could’ve said no, he could’ve told her to back off and blocked her but he chose not to

Divorce him. Take what you can get and move onto better things. This man will continue to hurt you if you don’t.

Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 12:03:32

I know the real answer is divorce and get that satisfaction of me making the decisions on ending the marriage. It’s my birthday on Monday he posted me a card so again it plays with my mind. Does he really want me or the OW. The truth is ladies this is my second marriage and I’m scared and feel like a failure. Both times was husband mistakes. I wanted to be finally happy with what I believed is a good man.

Do you agree, once a cheater always a cheater?

category12 Sat 04-May-19 12:10:01

Life is too short to waste on someone who shits on you from a great height.

NoBaggyPants Sat 04-May-19 12:10:54

Some people cheat once and never again. But surely you can see this isn't just about cheating? He's playing you and the other woman off against each other, I bet if you spoke to her (and I'm not suggesting you do) that you'd find you've both been told the same bullshit stories. I'm not excusing her role in this, but it strikes me that he has a habit of playing on vulnerable needy women.

Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 12:28:13

As I said he’s blaming me for the affair, apparently I didn’t love him, took him for granted, did not support him, made him feel isolated, when I was struggling with the miscarriage, didn’t listen to him. All these accusations are false as we were both very loving. Things changed when the OW came on the scene. I believe he was comparing me to her constantly as she has her own agenda of steeling my husband to help her get through the bad relationship he was feeling from. I blame them both for damaging me life and killing my new marriage and future hopes. 😥💔

JuniFora Sat 04-May-19 12:56:12

Your life is in your own hands. You can't project what you want on another person and expect them to give it to you, it's pointless to waste energy on that when they've made it clear you won't get what you want from them.

You need to let him go and focus on your vision for the future. Find someone who shares that.

NameChangeNugget Sat 04-May-19 15:03:33

He’s a prize wanker.

Your anger should be 100% aimed at him, not her.

LTB

MarIsFiuLiomE Sat 04-May-19 15:13:05

@nobaggypants that is an excellent observation. He let the OP down in her hour of need to go and be the rescuer /white knight that he failed to be for his own wife.

That sort of relationship has no longevity because once the OW feels ok again the dynamic between them will change and he wont be THE BIG MAN. Seems like he likes that role but isnt capable of living up to it. He will race off to a new woman who can be 'rescued' but rescued in a way that turns him on.

Long term you dont need that shit op.
He can only be one thing and if you need something else, he cant evolve or offer something new. There would be no growth as a couple with a man with no self awareness!

CuriousaboutSamphire Sat 04-May-19 15:22:22

You don't have to listen to his version of what happened. You don't have to consider whether anything he says has any merit. You don't even have to wonder what went wrong.

You know that at a very emotional time he chose to start an affair candy is now trying to make himself feel like less of a shit by writing himself a new history.

Text him : grow up, accept the consequences if you're own actions. I will be seeking legal advice.

And then put him out of your life.

TeaForTheWin Sat 04-May-19 15:31:48

In your situation I would google 'triangulation'.

This women may well be evil incarnate but she doesn't owe you squat. Your husband did and yet he cheated, lied, kept secrets, played with your emotions and is now probably with that other women whilst, when it suits him still giving you hope.

Stop being angry at the other women, she is actually irrelevant tbh. Wake up and blame the real person responsible - your fake husband who is playing you (and her) like a fiddle.

TeaForTheWin Sat 04-May-19 15:36:11

And fyi he most certainly is not a good man. Good men don't hide secret women for a year and then come out with bullshit stories about
it. Nor do they make you out to be the bad guy when THEY cheat.

I would also goodle 'narcissistic personality disorder' and 'gaslighting'.

CurtainsOpen Sat 04-May-19 16:13:59

"hello fellow ladies"

Isreeh Sat 04-May-19 18:17:04

It’s the emotional investment I find hard breaking. I know everyone is absolutely right and I just need the strength to start proceedings. I’m just so disappointed that he has changed into a different person since the OW.

My heart is constantly heavy and I need to find my self respect and walk away.

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