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Cheating Husband(76 Posts)
Cheating cruel husband
Last year I got married, did IVF and suffered a natural miscarriage at 9 wks (first pregnancy ever). I was in a bad state emotionally and physically for couple of months. During this time my new husband turned to a female friend who supported him. I was not aware of his woman until I noticed a lot of messaging over the year. My husband said he was helping her because she was trying to flee her abusive husband but she then started clinging onto him. The messaging was becoming constant and I was constantly saying to my husband this is not right and I started to get a gut feeling it was more than friends. BTW I never met or heard of this woman before and apparently she does not have a relationship with her 3 children. It seems they have sided with their father. The youngest lives with the ‘abusive father’.
She’s very manipulative and over the year made her intentions clear to my husband that he should leave his new wife to be with her. She ruined a few special occasions (family birthday, first year anniversary, New Year’s Eve). She was desperate for my husband to be with her.
In the new year my husband said he needed time out due to various issues effecting him (work, marriage, relationship with his daughter). He left the home and did not tell anyone where he is staying other than work and ‘friends’. I was worried and tried my best to seek help via counselling, speaking to his family, GP etc which none was appreciated. In our first couples counselling he admitted he had a physical relationship with her. The crashed my world, my marriage, my future hopes and dreams of having a family). Since then he’s made us separate and I think is having a relationship with this other woman. She recently posted very loving messages to my husband which he liked and loves. He still saying he wants to do counselling but I’m concerned he’s not really into it. This woman has damaged my life and taken away my wife rights. She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!
I’m strugglin to know what to do, I’m 45 and wanted a life with my husband. I’ve seaked legal advice but I need substantial proof plus I won’t get any financial win out of a short marriage. I am the real victim but yet my husband and twisted everything and blames me for him having an affair!
Ladies (and gentlemen) what would you do in my situation? X
You're 'concerned he's not really into it' of course he isn't, he couldn't make it any clearer. Don't blame the woman, she hasn't broken any code,it's your sad excuse of a husband who cheated on you, not her.
Your husband no longer wants to be married to you, he's made that clear by his actions. You need to make a plan to move on with your life without him in it.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you'd be delusional to think anything good will come out of trying to stay together.
Do you own your property or rent it? Do you work?
Get away from him, file for divorce and move on. The woman is irrelevant. He had an affair because he chose to. He left because he chose to. He is not who you want him to be and won't give you want you want.
Don't waste another second of energy on him. Clear him out of your life and focus on building what you want for the future.
The other woman isn't evil and she couldn't have ruined your marriage if your DH hadn't been interested. He is your problem - he cheated on you at a vulnerable time and then left you.
If you're in the UK, you don't need "substantial proof" of adultery, it'll make zero difference to any financial settlements.
What you need to do is get on with the divorce and move on with your life, get counselling on your own maybe to deal with the emotions round it all.
Why are you still trying to engage with him ? He has left you for another woman. His choice, despite you trying to excuse him by blaming the wicked OW.
She so evil but my dumb husband does not see this. She broke the ‘girl code’ not to cheat on married men!
Your husband, who broke his wedding vows, doesn't realise how nasty of the OW it was to break the "girl code"?
Wtf. Do you really need to ask what you should do?
What further proof do you need of his adultery? Didn't he admit to a physical relationship with the OW while you were in a counselling session? Isn't that all you need?
Why would you expect or want money from a short marriage?
Just divorce him and come out of the marriage with your self-respect intact.
I know ladies it’s all down to him and breaking the wedding vows. I’m so hurt and living in a nightmare. My mental and physical health has been effected where I’m slowly going into depression. I’m just in disbelief he would do that so soon after getting married. I know he’s the one to blame and be angry with but I guess I still love him and living in some delusional hope.
The reason why I hate the OW too is because she knew he just married and wanted him to help her instead of his wife. We just started married life and I feel I’ve jusd been kicked to the curb.
Id say your husband is cruel enough to not FINALLY call time on your marriage because he wants the freedom to go and see if it works out with yerwan and then come back to you if it doesn't/
Counselling?! why? because he wants his cake and to eat it later. he wants two cakes and wants the freedom to come and go with both cakes waiting to see who gets eaten and who gets spat out.
Honestly just call time on the marriage yourself. He's afraid it won't work out with the woman. You don't know what the future holds but you can be the stronger one.
You need to cut contact with him, because he's fucking with your head.
You need to start divorce proceedings.
You need to see your GP and/or a counsellor to help you deal with all the emotional fallout of this. I'm sorry that he's done this to you . It's not just the marriage, it's the hope of a dc as well, isn't it?
It's OK to hate the OW, but don't let that deflect you from the reality that he chose this.
OP, I sympathise with your hatred of the other woman, but rationally, think, what woman even a 'bad' woman who breaks the girl code as you call it gets this involved with a man who says this to her
''i haven't confirmed to my wife that we're done, in fact I've told her that counselling might save us, so really you can't count on me love, this might work out, it might not, i'm hoping i have a door mat to fall back on, I will not release the door mat by confirming to her that she is free to start moving on, so, with that in mind, you gonna invest your emotional energy in to me?''.
Nope. You can guess yourself the version of events she's been told.
''i want to confirm to her that it's over but she's crazy and I don't want her to have a breakdown. just give me 3 weeks. yeh i know i said that 2 months ago but you have to be patient. we do have a future together,
probably i just haven't told my wife yet because i'm not certain about you either ''
I understand your anger towards her but she hasn't forced him into anything. He’s a grown man with his own mind. He could’ve said no, he could’ve told her to back off and blocked her but he chose not to
Divorce him. Take what you can get and move onto better things. This man will continue to hurt you if you don’t.
I know the real answer is divorce and get that satisfaction of me making the decisions on ending the marriage. It’s my birthday on Monday he posted me a card so again it plays with my mind. Does he really want me or the OW. The truth is ladies this is my second marriage and I’m scared and feel like a failure. Both times was husband mistakes. I wanted to be finally happy with what I believed is a good man.
Do you agree, once a cheater always a cheater?
Life is too short to waste on someone who shits on you from a great height.
Some people cheat once and never again. But surely you can see this isn't just about cheating? He's playing you and the other woman off against each other, I bet if you spoke to her (and I'm not suggesting you do) that you'd find you've both been told the same bullshit stories. I'm not excusing her role in this, but it strikes me that he has a habit of playing on vulnerable needy women.
As I said he’s blaming me for the affair, apparently I didn’t love him, took him for granted, did not support him, made him feel isolated, when I was struggling with the miscarriage, didn’t listen to him. All these accusations are false as we were both very loving. Things changed when the OW came on the scene. I believe he was comparing me to her constantly as she has her own agenda of steeling my husband to help her get through the bad relationship he was feeling from. I blame them both for damaging me life and killing my new marriage and future hopes. 😥💔
Your life is in your own hands. You can't project what you want on another person and expect them to give it to you, it's pointless to waste energy on that when they've made it clear you won't get what you want from them.
You need to let him go and focus on your vision for the future. Find someone who shares that.
He’s a prize wanker.
Your anger should be 100% aimed at him, not her.
@nobaggypants that is an excellent observation. He let the OP down in her hour of need to go and be the rescuer /white knight that he failed to be for his own wife.
That sort of relationship has no longevity because once the OW feels ok again the dynamic between them will change and he wont be THE BIG MAN. Seems like he likes that role but isnt capable of living up to it. He will race off to a new woman who can be 'rescued' but rescued in a way that turns him on.
Long term you dont need that shit op.
He can only be one thing and if you need something else, he cant evolve or offer something new. There would be no growth as a couple with a man with no self awareness!
You don't have to listen to his version of what happened. You don't have to consider whether anything he says has any merit. You don't even have to wonder what went wrong.
You know that at a very emotional time he chose to start an affair candy is now trying to make himself feel like less of a shit by writing himself a new history.
Text him : grow up, accept the consequences if you're own actions. I will be seeking legal advice.
And then put him out of your life.
In your situation I would google 'triangulation'.
This women may well be evil incarnate but she doesn't owe you squat. Your husband did and yet he cheated, lied, kept secrets, played with your emotions and is now probably with that other women whilst, when it suits him still giving you hope.
Stop being angry at the other women, she is actually irrelevant tbh. Wake up and blame the real person responsible - your fake husband who is playing you (and her) like a fiddle.
And fyi he most certainly is not a good man. Good men don't hide secret women for a year and then come out with bullshit stories about
it. Nor do they make you out to be the bad guy when THEY cheat.
I would also goodle 'narcissistic personality disorder' and 'gaslighting'.
It’s the emotional investment I find hard breaking. I know everyone is absolutely right and I just need the strength to start proceedings. I’m just so disappointed that he has changed into a different person since the OW.
My heart is constantly heavy and I need to find my self respect and walk away.
You need to stop fixating on the other woman. He turned out to be an arsehole. You don’t seem to have anything preventing your from divorcing him so just get rid of the bastard.
Does he really want me or the OW
Why on earth are you letting him make that decision. Clearly he wants the OW or she wouldn't be in the picture.
Stop blaming her for this & kick him out. Let her have him. Hes hardly a catch
No. He hasn't changed since the OW. That's just when he stopped pretending.
You really do need to start getting angry with the right person.
Does he really want me or the OW
Here is your answer:
The Unified Theory of Cake
April 19, 2012 by Chump Lady
Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.
Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?
Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)
The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense.
Cake eaters act vague. They need time. They appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.
There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave.
I like the cake theory which does present a interesting way to see it. As the chump I do feel everything above and I need to remove the cake fork.
What is so messed up is how he does blame me for his actions. Below is his text this week but it’s all Bullshit! He’s so delusional but yet is trying to justify his own actions.
“I had an affair because you didn't love me and you don't love me, support me and made me feel isolated and a stranger in my own home. You made it all about you. I am not living in my own home it became somewhere I felt uncomfortable and anxious.”
Also he thinks he’s having some sort of mid life crisis. Recent issues include PTSD so again is excuses to have an affair. He’s not been officially diagnosed and has not been to GP to be assessed. Excuses!!
What is so messed up is how he does blame me for his actions. Below is his text this week but it’s all Bullshit! He’s so delusional but yet is trying to justify his own actions
That’s cheating bastard 101. he’s keeping you focused on something other than what a massive cock he is being. He’ll bowl all sorts of outrageous bullshit at you, and once he sees you bite (ie react in any way) he’ll keep throwing variations on the theme to keep you questioning yourself instead of stepping back and seeing the obvious truth. He’s a cheating arsehole who doesn’t deserve another minute of your time.
Ignore and move on.
(I find a nice bland statement like ‘well that’s your opinion and you are entitled to it‘ useful with people like that. Your not agreeing, but not down the rabbit hole of defending yourself either)
Block him now. Don't waste anymore time or energy on him. Time is the most valuable commodity we have, he doesn't deserve yours. I like the cake theory too.
No he's not having some kind of mid life crisis - he's just a cunt!
I also don't know where you were going with the - her kids live with her "abusive" ex? You don't know her to judge her for that so that's out of order too. FYI my dc stayed with their abusive arse of a father because I had a breakdown and he fucking brainwashed them (and everyone else too) My mental health issues do not make me a bad person.
She is guilty of being an arsehole for being involved with a married man but again, you don't know what your H has been telling her really.
The only option is to file for divorce from a massive cock. I know he’s to blame for this adultery but honestly I feel OW has influenced him to say some of the bullshit above. Ladies, this is not the type of friend you want in your circle. She’ll steal your man as she seems to love being the centre of attention in a group of men.
My stupid DH has also thrown away his future with a woman who would have done anything for him.
@pickletickled, yes you are right I don’t know the real full story to why her children are staying with the ex. But judging her Facebook posts she does not act like an abused person and openly says where is hanging out. She said to my DH that she was fleeing and hiding from her ex. In my opinion I’d really understand it but not when she’s acting like life is good! He may have brainwashed them too but her children (including two adult children) all don’t want a relationship with her. My friends all say none of it makes sense!
How should "an abused person act" ?
Please examine the language you are using.
@AnyFucker, yes you are right. I’m just hurt and angry that I’m not really thinking right myself. I’d normally never use such language. It’s the messed up situation which is causing me to be out of character. Sorry for any offence x
What is an abused person supposed to act like?
I don't act like one neither, as far as I'm aware. Yes, i can mope and cry if I really wanted to but I CHOOSE not to. My life is good! I have recently married, I go on holidays. I laugh, joke etc.... Should I not do those things because of my past then?
I initially came back on to relook at my previous post and was going to apologise if my initial response came across a bit harsh but jeez I now see it wasn't.
I am not offended, love. I am sorry you are hurting so much. The problem is your husband and even if OW was the worst person in the world it doesn't change the fact that he let her into his life.
Ok so I have cross posted with your apology.
You really need to stop focusing on this woman. She may well not be a nice person but this is ALL the fault of your H. He made vows to you, she didn't. He alone is responsible for his own actions.
I get that you are upset, angry and hurting but you really need to direct it at HIM.
@pickleticked, I don’t know anything about abused people so its my naivety about such things for which I apologise. X Yes everyone is allowed to be happy regardless. The situation has messed up my normal way of thinking because my stupid husband has cheated on me while I was at my most volunerable and I’m angry and hurt. Sorry x
Yes he’s already the first step to block his posts so I don’t see his updates where he tags the OW.
The reason it seems I’m fixated with the OW is because a few years ago a different ex wanted me to have an affair with him (first year of marriage too) but I point blank refused knowing I didn’t want to hurt and damage someone else’s life. I guess it’s because I’d hope other women would be the same.
All of this is my arsehole husband fault 😥💔👿
As I said he’s blaming me for the affair, apparently I didn’t love him, took him for granted, did not support him, made him feel isolated, when I was struggling with the miscarriage, didn’t listen to him.
LT absolute fucking B
As I said he’s blaming me for the affair, apparently I didn’t love him, took him for granted, did not support him, made him feel isolated, when I was struggling with the miscarriage, didn’t listen to him. All these accusations are false as we were both very loving
Yes this is what lots of cheating men do, they will rewrite your entire history just so they can justify the cheating...otherwise they're just a horrible cheating bastard and well, they're not going to admit that are they? Google the cheaters script, it's all in there, my ex was textbook 'the script'.
Oh and stop doing the pick me dance. Let him go and take satisfaction that they'll never trust each other...two cheaters together, sounds lovely.
I'm so so sorry you are going through this and are in so much pain. It's fucking awful.
You do know that you must leave him. He may even try and win you back at some point. Please be strong. You are worth more. You. Are. Worth. Much. More.
So today is my birthday and my H sent me a pitiful birthday card with, signing off ‘All my love’ which is very ironic to the way he’s been treating me! 👿 I’d rather him not say anything!
Happy birthday OP. Your next year will be better without him.
@category12 thank you lovely! Yes hope next year will be better with a ‘REAL’ man x
Happy birthday OP! Maybe this time next year you'll be happy by yourself! You don't need a man to make you happy!
So to all you lovely people reading and supporting me in this post I want to let you know I have instructed my solicitor to start drafting the divorce on the grounds of 'Unreasonable Behaviour'.
The last straw came when he accused me of 'Battering and Bruising' him! I mean WTF, he is projecting himself onto me. That comment hurt like hell and I am the victim and he has twisted it all around.
Anyway here goes, wish me luck (God I am going to need it!)
Oh fantastic!!!!!! Well done. I'm so thrilled for you.
Belated happy birthday! ❤️
Happy Birthday you deserve love and happiness and your making the first step to achieving it take good care x
Thank you @user1497997754 and @alonelonelyloner for your kind birthday wishes. It was pretty upsetting knowing what I have to do.
I’m collecting all my things from the house tomorrow but feel sick, nervous and scared. I know it’s the right decision and it sucks and still painful process. 💔😥
thank goodness you're finally seeing this clown for what he us .. a selfish self absorbed manipulating calculating gaslighting CUNT.
well done OP
Well done in starting your divorce procedures. You deserve better! It may be very hard now but I'm sure you'll be much better without that despicable person in your life. Good luck!
Well picked up my stuff (H on holiday) but it was really sad. I cried leaving my marital home and I even kissed my H bed pillows goodbye. It’s difficult and totally heartbreaking
H has hardly made no effort to fix anything so no choice left. 😥😓😔
@Isreeh It won't be always this hard. This too shall pass. Do you have family or friends who you can talk to?
@DieselSucker, yes I have a supportive network of close friends and family. They say I’m doing the right thing x I wonder what my H is going to make of it when he comes back from holiday!!
@nisnamesblaine, husband had an affair first year of marriage, all after I had a miscarriage. Blames me and still seeing the other woman. 💔
He is giving you crumbs because you serve the purpose of being his bullshit inbox. Any worries or negative feelings, he gets to dump into you and you can hold them for him. I feel sad reading your comments but it does feel there’s an underlying awareness of what is happening here. There is no easy and painless answer but you have a short/long term situation here. You can keep dealing with he pain in the short term by engaging with him and trying to get into his head, or you can look at the longer term gains of starting to free yourself. You sound lovely. You could do a lot better. Life is short.
Just saw update. You’re going to be just fine, OP. Courage and class in spades. It’s going to get better and maybe one day you’ll be back here helping someone else get through this situation.
Thank you @Mythreefavouritethin
I have been wondering whether I did do the right thing leaning the house (it’s his house really). But I guess time will tell if he starts to release what he’s done by damaging our lives and marriage. X
As tempting as it can be to hope he sees sense and you get some payback, the very best moment is the one where you realise he is no longer occupying either head or heart space. The irony is, it’s often the way that it’s at precisely this moment the realisation of what they’ve thrown away hits them. Too late. I wish you all the strength and joy in the world, OP, this is the painful part so hold tight and draw strength when and where needed. This is the right path x
The other thing which you might have read in this thread is he claims he’s got some mental health issues. All his anger is towards me that I didn’t love him, took him for granted, wasn’t there for him emotionally after the miscarriage. Really it’s two things going on, manipulation from the OW and him blaming me for his own choices and actions. Let’s see but all I know is he’s not the man I married.
The mental health (complete manipulation by the way) issues will not magically go away with someone else. You’ve created a vacancy for another bullshit inbox, he won’t be able to resist. Victims always need a villain of the piece, it comes with the territory. Stand back and let him fill the fresh air with what he needs - toxic fumes in the form of another ‘cruel’ woman. If you can, Google drama triangles. You have perpetrator, rescuer, and victim. It’s clear which roles HE thinks you both occupy, might be interesting on reflection to see what you think.
By the way, I use victims with inverted commas, not referring to genuine ones.
I see myself as the 'victim' being persecuted by H for no reason.
OW sees H as the 'victim' and is being the rescuer with her own agenda. H is having his cake and eating it!
So I’ve finalky done it! Petitioned for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour! I’m in shock, sad, hurt and feel scared and volunerable for the future. I know it’s my feelings but I still love my husband but cannot be treated this way anymore! I hope there will be light at the end of the tunnel! X
@category12, thank you. My family and close friends all agree too. I’m in shock though at making this decision. I hope he regrets it all one day and realise what he’s lost. X
You’re on the right road, OP, and in the longer term when you look back, think the future you is going to be so proud of you! Very best of luck, this was ever getting a happy ending as it was.
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