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I have to leave him, don't I?

(676 Posts)
MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:08:49

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

ilikemethewayiam Fri 24-May-19 20:40:02

I think the psychological ‘make over’ is so important! I went the whole hog. When I left I took nothing from our joint house. The things I thought were precious to me actually reminded me of him and therefore triggering, so I didn’t want them. I started afresh in a new house. I raided the sales and eBay. I made a completely fresh start! It was the making of me! I think you should do what ever you need to do to feel safe and happy for you and your DC! If that’s repainting, moving stuff around or even throwing things away, Do it! Once you do you will never look back! You will go through a complete re-evaluation of your marriage and rewrite history. That’s a normal part of the process. You will come out of the other side so strong and wise. You will never put up with that sh*t again! It’s a wonderful feeling!

AppleKatie Fri 24-May-19 21:46:23

My God OP you’re amazing. I don’t often read relationships threads because they are tough going but your strength in the face of all this is inspirational.

I can’t do the specialist advice other posters do but bloody good on you for everything you’ve done so far. Your DD must be a mix of gcse panic, upset at the change and so very proud of you too.

I reckon it’s that last one that will stick with her.

MeltedEggMum Fri 24-May-19 21:55:50

ilikemethewayiam you've made me more determined to do it now. Can't wait to make the changes!

And AppleKatie you've made me tear up. DD is so tough and determined, and smart and confident. I'm going to keep her that way, as best I can.

AppleKatie Fri 24-May-19 22:01:01

Well since you now know what an arsehole her father is your DD can only be a credit to you.

Sorry for making you cry. I’m honestly in awe of your strength though.

I had a friend who kicked her husband out over a similar ‘one off’ incident (they never are though even if that’s how it seems at first). But in her case it was their toddler he shook not her.

She made up her mind, did the right thing and he was gone. Her life is different now to how it might have been, but only in a good way. Her daughter is amazing too and thankfully will probably not even remember that day, she’ll know she has a Mum to rely on though as yours will do too.

Absolutepowercorrupts Fri 24-May-19 23:41:11

flowers for you MeltedEggMum
I'm another one in awe, you are so strong and focused. And a fantastic role model for your daughter.
Well done for getting this far, changing the colours in your home environment will help you to remove bad memories and replace them with good ones. Keep on keeping on, and I wish you many years of peace and happiness. KoKo

Mythreefavouritethings Sat 25-May-19 00:12:24

I love your ideas, Melted. Your spirit is showing and you are creating a cosy home for yourselves. I wish you all the strength and luck.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Sat 25-May-19 00:13:18

Another voice ringing your praises. I've been so impressed with the way you've handled this.

I haven't been through what you have, but I have reached a huge crossroads in life before. When you make the right decision in those circumstances you're buoyed up by innate rightness of it. Each time you make a brave but considered change you shoot up in terms of confidence and your awareness of your boundaries.

Weenurse Sat 25-May-19 05:01:25

You have come such a long way. Your daughter has seen first hand how to respond to an abusive relationship and be strong.
I would stay clear of your step father though.

Jessicataylor Sat 25-May-19 09:30:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MeltedEggMum Sat 25-May-19 12:42:11

Blank slate. grin

Mummytoonlychild Sat 25-May-19 12:54:27

Well done!!!! how are you feeling now? Better I hope

MeltedEggMum Sat 25-May-19 13:20:51

Good! I always hated that wallpaper; it was the same as was in this horrid little rental we lived in for a few months whilst house hunting. I told him I wanted to change it and he said he liked it so I never did. hmm

And now it's gone!!

I am going to stick with white for now but I need to consider what I actually want in terms of colours for each room. The options are a bit overwhelming!

Mummytoonlychild Sat 25-May-19 14:04:07

Remember White for a clean slate what about when you hit a milestone change each white room to colour showing you have coloured your own life with your daughter and it will show you how far you have come and grown together

ilikemethewayiam Sat 25-May-19 14:32:42

Yay! So glad to see this Melted! Your healing journey has truly begun!

Weenurse Sun 26-May-19 01:52:56

💐 well done

ImNotNigel Sun 26-May-19 11:33:44

Excellent work !

MeltedEggMum Sun 26-May-19 19:43:12

Weekends are hard.

Last weekend was obviously extra awful, but this weekend has been upsetting in other ways, too. I missed out on a fun party due to distance/travel costs/childcare - I had been planning to go before my husband destroyed my life. I felt quite bitter and sad last night.

And today I had a conversation with another man who doesn't know anything about DV, and had nothing especially constructive to say to me. He didn't question my decisions per se, but he did mention that marriage counselling might have been a good idea before things got to this point. First of all, I told him that this issue was due to coercive control and abusive behaviour, not a 'problem' in our marriage. I then told him that I'd already tried to convince my husband to see a therapist about a year ago (or less, I can't remember exactly) and he was not interested.

I also told him that I do not have the emotional or mental capacity to get people up to speed with the reality of domestic violence, and it's not my job. If someone wants to talk with me to ostensibly help me, then then need to do some research or training. Not. My. Job.

I'm going to refuse to engage with people like this. It isn't doing me any good. I don't want to talk to people who don't understand what I'm going through, frankly. I don't have time for it. It drains me. If someone wants to offer practical support, to look after my DC so I can go to appointments, to help in a very specific way without expecting me to vomit my feelings everywhere, fine. But I am not going to participate in any more of these conversations. I can't do it.

Not sure how to shut it down without being a cow, but I need to figure something out, because word will get around very soon in our extended friendship group (so far only select people know and have been allowing me my privacy) and I can't deal with it.

This is so mentally taxing. I feel like I'm swimming against a tide of sludge.

ilikemethewayiam Sun 26-May-19 22:24:34

I totally get where your coming from OP, I felt the same way talking to others about abuse and DV. The moment I suspected they didn’t understand the issues I just shut the conversation down. I refused to discuss it with anyone who was not 100% supportive. I was very lucky as my BFF had been through the same thing and worked for Women’s aid, running the Freedom Program in our area. I had total support and understanding from her. I actually dropped friends based on comments like it takes two break a relationship and maybe you were just not compatible etc etc. I could tell by their reactions sometimes that they thought I was probably either exaggerating or making it up. They had to go. I’m sorry OP I’m not helping much but you will encounter these people. If you suspect they are those people just tell them you don’t want to discuss it with them and change the subject.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 26-May-19 22:25:20

Melted your instincts and boundaries have served you so well in this, I know you will find a way to say to people 'this isn't something I want to talk about right now'.

It does get better. Maybe not right now, or for a wee while, but it does. I know it's exceptionally hard to just keep putting one foot in front of the other in these circumstances but you will do it. I know it's really hard when as well as fending off him and all his rubbish you are having to fend off ostensibly well-meaning individuals whose interactions drain you and leave you feeling judged. Even when it's supportive people telling you how strong you are when you feel anything but. It's exhausting. Mumsnet can be your lifeline (as it was mine when I left my abusive husband) because people understand. Massive hugs to you. flowers

HotChocolateLover Sun 26-May-19 22:30:13

My ex-husband went for my throat once and pinned me up against the wall. I was terrified. His dad had to take him away. I divorced him shortly afterwards. There were other issues but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 💐

ViolentBrutishAndShort Mon 27-May-19 08:42:13

I agree with the above sentiments. We have gone through terrible thing after terrible thing. People often try and minimise it to your face! Also, after a very short while, if it was evident they wanted detail I would put my head on one side and say, "Awww" and then nothing. As if I was sympathising with them for having such a prurient mind! Most of them had no clue how bad things had really been for us as a couple because they never actually asked or cared. We've shuffled a lot of those down the pecking order I can tell you!

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda Mon 27-May-19 09:21:11

This is why so many abuse victims go back...because of abuse apologists!

@melted l have been reading your thread but haven’t commented until now. You are doing really well and are showing your daughter what a strong women you are.

Next time some twat —abuse apologist— tries to minimise or say that you are partly at fault —as fucking if—, tell them that YOU will not be discussing/explaining anything. That if they cannot take you for your word then you have no room for them in your life. Yes, you may lose some friends but at least you’ll know who really are your true friends.

I know it’s hard. But you can do this!

ViolentBrutishAndShort Mon 27-May-19 10:09:52

You are actually doing brilliantly OP.

Mummytoonlychild Mon 27-May-19 19:07:11

I hope this works I just saw this on Facebook and thought of you

MeltedEggMum Mon 27-May-19 20:18:27

Thank you, Mummytoonlychild. flowers

I think I've figured out a cheap way to create a standing desk for my laptop. It's really fun to set things up just as I want them.

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