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I have to leave him, don't I?

(686 Posts)
MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:08:49

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:09:36

*as he went downstairs

SweepTheHalls Fri 03-May-19 07:10:23

No fixing ever. You have to be strong today xx

Wheresmyvagina Fri 03-May-19 07:11:03

I'm sorry x yes he has ruined it.

Singlenotsingle Fri 03-May-19 07:11:50

You can't let him get away with it. He'll do it again!

Happyspud Fri 03-May-19 07:12:03

No there is no fixing this EVER. I’m sorry OP, this must be very distressing and shocking.

7yo7yo Fri 03-May-19 07:12:29

Yes he’s ruined it.
Well done you for calling the police.
Now get real life help and support and don’t let him back.

whatsnewchoochoo Fri 03-May-19 07:12:30

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Yes you have to leave. Because anytime an abuser goes for your throat - statically they are more likely to end up killing you. This man, your husband, could leave your children without a mother

But even if he doesn't kill you, you will be miserable. You will walk on eggshells. He will do it again.

And he will teach your children that violence is normal. And they replicate that pattern in life.

I'm so sorry.

You can do this this. Get out.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:12:53

He's never attacked me before. How could he go from never to this? I don't understand.

user1493413286 Fri 03-May-19 07:13:00

I’m so sorry but yes he’s ruined it and there is no fixing it.
You can’t risk it happening again or live in fear that it will.

ChocAuVin Fri 03-May-19 07:13:12

Please be strong and don’t be persuaded this can ever be fixed. You’ll always be scared now, no matter what he says to ‘mend’ it.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Be kind to yourself and keep you and your DC safe flowers

PicsInRed Fri 03-May-19 07:13:24

He grabbed your throat and slapped you 3 times and the police only cautioned him?

Do they intend to charge him?

RubberTreePlant Fri 03-May-19 07:13:44

Why so very many "he grabbed me by the throat" threads in the past few days?

It's a bit alarming.

Sarcelle Fri 03-May-19 07:13:47

thanksHe's an idiot. Bet he Is regretting it now. But if he has done it once, all too easy to do it a second time.

Longdistance Fri 03-May-19 07:14:26

Aww, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He’s now shown you who he is. There is no fixing this as he will do it again.

Whatisgoingonwithmylife Fri 03-May-19 07:15:16

Gosh OP. You have handled this really well, you’ve done the right thing!

Did he assault you in front of the toddler?

PicsInRed Fri 03-May-19 07:15:30

Melted Egg, they never attack until they do.
They all have their first time, this was his (his first with you, he may have hurt other women).

Now he's breached this boundary, it's highly likely he will both continue and escalate the behaviour.

PicsInRed Fri 03-May-19 07:16:50

RubberTree, throat grab porn and generally wider acceptance of misogyny and violence against women.

katmarie Fri 03-May-19 07:17:00

There may be some underlying reason why he has suddenly snapped, but to be honest that doesn't really matter. As others have said, when an abuser goes for the throat the risk of them killing you goes up dramatically. You did all the right things,but please now make sure you have real life help and support, be it family or friends. And don't be ashamed to tell people what he did. Like you said, HE ruined this, and it's for him to be ashamed of his actions, not you.

RubberTreePlant Fri 03-May-19 07:19:25

@PicsInRed - awful.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:19:31

I don't understand the system or why they chose to caution him.

We've never had any dealings with the law, or social services, or anything. The worst we've done is speeding tickets.

I'm sorry if this doesn't seem a genuine thread, I saw the other ones and read them.

He didn't choke me, he held me by the throat, but my jaw hurts.

I have real life support.

JenniferJareau Fri 03-May-19 07:22:38

Yes you do flowers

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:23:20

Our eldest witnessed the whole thing. She is 16 and saw him going for me while my back was turned. She tried to stop h but he pushed her away and went after me.

This is sounding worse and worse isn't it. I feel very confused. We've been together 19 years. We have a life together. What now?

whatsnewchoochoo Fri 03-May-19 07:23:34

Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amii_being_unreasonable/3363626-Domestic-Violence-did-you-witness-any-towards-your-mother

If you can read this post. Witnessing ongoing domestic violence ruins children's lives. Leave. I want you to leave for you, but that's always harder than doing it for someone else. So leave for your children.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Fri 03-May-19 07:25:53

You deal with it all one step at a time flowers

Reassure your children and keep yourself and the children safe. I’m sorry you’re gong through this and I’m sure someone will be able to offer better advice for the practical steps required.

Singlenotsingle Fri 03-May-19 07:27:03

How strange. He does this after 19 years? shock How old is he? Has he got incipient dementia?

category12 Fri 03-May-19 07:27:23

Yes, that's fubar. Sorry.

ChristmasFluff Fri 03-May-19 07:27:56

@Melted I can only echo what others have said. Please don't try to minimise what he has done - as a first attack this is horrific, and that is a good thing, because you CANNOT explain it away as just an argument gone a bit far.

The violence ALWAYS escalates. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I remember the first time the ex attacked me, I was horrified, but was able to explain it as 'he was drunk', 'it was a row gone wrong'. He didn't touch my throat or slap me. Within a year strangulation and banging my head on the wall was a normal event. By the time it ended he was strangling me until I blacked out, and punching me to unconsciousness.

Do not waver. He will cry, he will plead, he will promise. As he does, remember he will get worse, ot better, and the promises mean nothing. No-one would stay with a man who was constantly abusive - it is the 'nece guy' that they stay for. That is a mask. The moster he has revealed is the true person.

Please be strong flowers xx

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:28:23

He is 42.

He admitted to everything, the police tell me.

Apologetic, etc.

I feel sick.

bodgersmash Fri 03-May-19 07:29:01

So sorry this happened to you OP. You need to show your daughter that this is never, ever acceptable, and you need to leave that man immediately.

Imagine how you would advise your daughter if her partner had done this to her, and heed your own advice.

It's going to be scary, it probably won't be easy, but you need to do it and you absolutely can do it.

Well done for phoning the police without hesitation.

We are all here for you. thanks

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 07:32:36

Imagine how you would advise your daughter if her partner had done this to her, and heed your own advice.

Thanks for this.

TheSerenDipitY Fri 03-May-19 07:35:41

make yourself a promise, an oath, an unbreakable oath! to leave this man and never go back, and if you cant do it for yourself... do it for the children, so they dont have to grow up witnessing the abuse, so that they dont suffer the abuse and so that they are not at risk of accepting the abuse when they get older.... staying with him is not just going to effect you at put you at risk... it risks their entire lives from this moment on... do ti for them... protect them

Lweji Fri 03-May-19 07:35:45

Big hug. I've been there and it is a shock to the system.
Whatever you do, don't take him back or allow him back in.

The police may have only issued a caution, but ring Women's Aid or the police domestic violence unit and ask for advice on keeping you safe.
Look into court orders if he doesn't stay away voluntarily or issues any threats.

This may have been his first time in actions but I bet he thought about assaulting you before. He just didn't do it.

Prepare yourself for people minimising it and asking what you did to cause his assault. Distance yourself from those people.

category12 Fri 03-May-19 07:36:32

I'm so sorry, op.

Because your dd witnessed it all, was pushed away etc, it's even more important that you continue to take a stand on this. You wouldn't want this to be something she accepted in her own relationships.

You've done the right thing in getting the police involved.

bigbadbadger Fri 03-May-19 07:37:44

Well done for calling the police. Do not see him. Do not speak to him. Look after your dc. You are still a loving family, he is just no longer part of it.

sazzle27 Fri 03-May-19 07:38:31

Stay strong, you have done the tight thing with calling the police straight away.

You have to make sure you stay away from him, for your safety and that of you children. As pp have said, DV only escalates, and that is a horrific first act of violence as it is..
thanks

Moondancer73 Fri 03-May-19 07:42:24

Very scary for you and your daughter. My ex also grabbed me by the throat and squeezed. I came to on the floor and he very calmly offered me a glass of water. Stupidly I let him stay and of course he used it as a threat to scare me again - hand toward throat if I became too troublesome. Thankfully it never happened so badly again but it could have ended badly obviously - you totally did the right thing although I don't understand just a caution.

Beansandcoffee Fri 03-May-19 07:42:57

Stay strong for your daughter. She is on the verge of dating etc. She needs to know that isn’t acceptable behaviour from anyone. You need to leave him. I’m so sorry.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 03-May-19 07:43:34

So not only did he seriously assault you, but he hurt your DD as well.
Walk away now whilst you have the strength to. Your DD will never forget seeing that. She doesn't need anymore memories like that.

Divebar Fri 03-May-19 07:49:16

He’s been given a caution because he ( presumably) has no previous convictions and because the injuries were sustained we’re at the lower end of the spectrum ( a common assault rather than an ABH). He would have been interviewed and would have needed to admit the offence for the caution to be an option. It is now on his record so it will show if anyone checks in future.

I’m sorry this has happened.... it must be incredibly shocking after being together so long. And the fact it was in front of your child is doubly tough.... sounds like he was completely enraged.

Pigsinduvets Fri 03-May-19 07:51:51

Sorry this is happening to you Melted. Well done for reporting it. Yes leave him.
I know he hasn’t been violent to you before. Have you experienced any coercive /controlling abusive behaviour from him before. Could be anything from making jokes about you that you have told him hurt your feelings, to blocking you going passed him, to controlling the finances, to telling you he doesn’t like your friends/family, to coercing you to do sexual things that you don’t want to do. Abuse can be physical, sexual, financial or emotional.
I recommend doing Freedom Programme which you can do online or at a group. Also buy the book “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It may be that he has become abusive overnight but more likely that he has been abusing you in other ways and you haven’t realised that it was abuse.

ooft Fri 03-May-19 07:52:37

He will do it again and again and again if you don't leave. So sorry this has happened

recall Fri 03-May-19 07:54:10

I am full of admiration for you....calling the police, especially the first time . I didn’t have your courage and only wish that I had . Your daughter is downloading your behaviour and you’ve shown her that DV is never acceptable. flowers

Popetthetreehugger Fri 03-May-19 08:00:45

I’m so sorry this has happened, for me , practical head helps . If your daughter is 16 , she’s in exam year ? I’d let head of year know what’s happened as she may need an ear at school . Also she may have homwork due in . This will give Her the breathing space she will need . Every good wish 💐

vdbfamily Fri 03-May-19 08:01:06

If this was first sign in all those years married and over something minor I would suggest he sees A GP asap as there are medical conditions that can cause personality changes. I would be looking for a reason of it is genuinely out of character.

scarbados Fri 03-May-19 08:16:35

Please leave him. Please don't think it's a one-off and let him back.

I gave my ex the benefit of the 'just the once and he won't do it again' doubt. The second time he did it, I spent 4 days on an ITU and my parents were warned I might not survive.

Please don't ever put yourself in that position. If he can do it once, he can do it again. And if he can do it to you, he can do it to your child.

Mammatino Fri 03-May-19 08:30:30

Stay strong. Whatever his reasons/excuses they are his to deal with, he needs to take his own responsibility and deal with it ALONE. you need to concentrate on you and your little family, you sound awesome, a really strong character who can walk forward here. Get as much help and advice as you can regarding your emotional, health and finances. See a solicitor and do not allow this to be brushed under the carpet. Keep strong and practical.

ShatnersWig Fri 03-May-19 08:33:02

There's no fixing this, is there?

Absolutely not. And you know there isn't.

Pack his bags for him. He leaves, you don't.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-19 08:33:43

Yes you do, sorry

Bluntness100 Fri 03-May-19 08:35:04

Op there is always a first time. Always. And the first time is never the last time. Never.

So I don't believe this is some mild mannered man, his aggression has likely been escalating to this.

The bottom line now is you need to model good behaviour for your daughter and end this. You must teach her it's never ok for someone to physically assault you., what she witnessed will have traumatised her.

The relationship has to end. For all your sakes. Because if it doesn't you teach her it's ok to be hit or to hit. And because it's only so long till he does it again. And the next time could be a hell of a lot worse.

LilyRose16 Fri 03-May-19 08:35:11

I’m so pleased that you phoned the police, you are the biggest role model for your daughter, she is watching and learning from you with every decision you make. Stay strong and don’t back down, he will try and minimise it as much as he possibly can but there is absolutely no way his behaviour can be forgiven. You’re doing great flowers

Weenurse Fri 03-May-19 08:35:15

So sorry you are going through this.💐
Time to leave or have him go.
Tell school for support for your children

Dropthedeaddonkey Fri 03-May-19 08:40:48

You may find out from the kids this isn’t the first time he has snapped. It was only when my friend called the police and her daughter who witnessed attack on her mum was questioned and my friend had chaperone her daughter in the police interview that she found out he had been violent to the children. Until then she thought it had just been her. Think about counselling for both of you.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 09:01:01

I think I've minimised a lot of his "grumpy" behaviour.

It's true - nobody does anything without thinking about it first.

I'm telling school now.

beenandgoneandbackagain Fri 03-May-19 09:13:30

You must be in a state of absolute shock. Well done for acting swiftly and demonstrating behaviour like this is unacceptable, so your daughter learns that message too.

I suspect, as a PP said, that much of his "grumpiness", i.e. emotional abuse, has been minimised. I think, as women, we are conditioned to put other people first, to try and coax and cajole men out of their grumpiness by conforming to their wishes. It's a sick societal model.

As for the other posters who suggested a possible medical cause. Even IF it was medical, it is not safe for the OP to remain with someone who has the potential to cause her life-threatening harm at any given moment, so OP has to make a safe-space for herself and her daughter whatever the root cause of the man's violence.

As others have said, he will beg, plead, apologise, cry, blame you, blame anything but his own male aggression.

Good luck.

JuniFora Fri 03-May-19 09:21:01

Unless he has a long history of emotionally abusive behaviour and this was the culmination of it then I would be concerned that he has a brain tumour or early onset dementia. A radical personality change is caused by something.

ctrlalt Fri 03-May-19 09:45:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlokeHereInPeace Fri 03-May-19 09:50:43

Good luck. Kick him out. Spend time with your daughter.

Littlechocola Fri 03-May-19 09:51:46

@JuniFora that would make it acceptable?

JuniFora Fri 03-May-19 10:03:33

Little; no, it wouldn't, he wouldn't be safe to live with. However, if it is caused by a brain tumour or dementia then it's not a choice, he needs medical treatment. The only person I know of who suddenly became violent in his forties had a brain tumour. Radical personality changes in later adulthood need to be investigated because people don't change for no reason.

Again, if he's always been a dick and this is an escalation of that, his behaviour is on him. If this is something very new, I'd be concerned.

afrikat Fri 03-May-19 10:08:54

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. When I was 18 I saw my step dad attack my mum and when I tried to intervene I got punched in the face. Police were called. They sent him for a fucking walk. She took him back a few weeks later and I'm not sure I ever quite forgave her for that
HE has ruined this, HE is the one to blame and no matter what happens from now, you can never go back to how things used to be

Pigsinduvets Fri 03-May-19 10:09:37

Yes Juni however OP has already said that she realises now that she has minimised his ‘grumpiness’. So far more likely that he has been emotionally abusive for years and that OP is on the brink of the process of discovering what abusive behaviour really is and what he has been doing to her and her children.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 10:20:48

Waiting to see the GP now. My parents are waiting at the house so I won't be alone when I go home after.

This feels like a dream.

Rhiannon87 Fri 03-May-19 10:27:49

Been here, bought the t shirt.

It sucks. Hugely and may be one of the most painful things you will ever have to do. If your gut instinct is to leave follow it. I'm sure I speak for the entire Mumsnet commuinity when I say we'll be here to listen and suppory but make sure you have "real" people in yourlife too.
Much love, this is an incredibly tough time xxx

bellaellie Fri 03-May-19 10:29:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Fri 03-May-19 10:33:37

Yeah he'll do it again.
No way back here.
Kick him out, why should you have to leave?

bluebell34567 Fri 03-May-19 10:36:55

did he take something do you think, like drugs?

Backseatonthebus Fri 03-May-19 10:47:03

Was the 'joke' more than a joke? A personal attack? A threat? Something like that?

Are you referring to the OP's first post? If so, whatever she said, nothing would make his behaviour acceptable, or even excusable. His violence is his responsibility.

Well done OP, you have achieved so much already. And you are setting a really important example to your DC that violence is never acceptable in a relationship.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 11:11:28

The GP wants me to get an x-ray if the pain continues after a few days. My face is swollen.

I amp purposely not giving a huge amount of detail here, for obvious reasons.

But no, I didn't do anything to warrant being grabbed by the throat and hit around the face hard enough for a GP to order x-rays.

Nobody does! Doesn't matter what yosaid. Doesn't matter how much he despises me. He shouldn't have done this.

Thanks to people offering support.

ImNotNigel Fri 03-May-19 11:16:29

But no, I didn't do anything to warrant being grabbed by the throat and hit around the face hard enough for a GP to order x-rays

There is NOTHING that you could have said or done that would warrant this. Please hold onto the truth and ignore the victim blamers here.

I’m in awe of your strength and courage in dealing with this so quickly to protect yourself and your children.

Pigsinduvets Fri 03-May-19 11:20:09

Glad you have seen doctor and have your parents support. Did the police take photos? I suggest taking your own photos of your injuries. In part because at some point you may doubt yourself and it will be useful to remind yourself of what he actually did. Are you taking anti-inflammatories?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 03-May-19 11:25:52

Your instincts in a horrible situation were 100% correct. You phoned the police and got him removed. You should be so proud of yourself for showing your DD exactly what to do.

Now you have to keep showing her what to do.

I know it's hard, I really, really do know. And there will be lots and lots of people, online and IRL, who will want you to sweep it under the carpet and carry on.

But you must not.

To repeat a pp's advice: if this had happened to your DD, what would you want her to do? Now do that.

Lweji Fri 03-May-19 11:27:42

OP, like I posted before

Prepare yourself for people minimising it and asking what you did to cause his assault. Distance yourself from those people.

Even on this thread. hmm

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-19 11:58:11

bella what if it was ?

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Fri 03-May-19 12:02:36

You are handling this like a superstar egg!

This thread is the perfect blueprint to teach people how to react to dv in a relationship.

I'm very sorry I know that won't be of any comfort to you, you must be devastated and rightly so but this part will be over soon and then you and the kids will forge a new better life and you'll look back on this and it will feel like your past and it will be.

TakeMeToKernow Fri 03-May-19 12:05:24

flowers bloody well done for doing the right thing straight away. Now keep on doing the right thing.

afrikat’s post should be food for thought - “she took him back a few weeks later and I’m not sure I ever quite forgave her for that”

Inawholeofdoom82 Fri 03-May-19 12:13:31

You have done the right thing for yourself and your kids. Stay strong, you will get through this. I am so sorry this happened to you and that your poor dd witnessed it. Every abuser has a first time, get out now.

2cats2many Fri 03-May-19 12:19:44

Well done for calling the police. That was brave and strong.

You can refer yourself to the Freedom Programme. You may find that this isn't as out of the blue as you think and that there are patterns in your relationship that you maybe couldn't see before.

freedomprogramme.co.uk

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 13:38:04

So. He's been and gone. I never saw or heard him. My parents spoke with him and he appears contrite. He's staying at a hotel for the weekend but no plans have been made beyond that.

I know there's old baggage between us and we have had our differences, but he doesn't know how to communicate. The times I've talked to him about serious things he just sits mute. I thought he was at least listening but it's like he was frozen and nothing went in.

He basically needs a lot of therapy but I can't sort it out. If he wants to salvage any sort of relationship with the dc, that's on him.

It hurts to chew and it's pissing me off.

MrsBailey2be Fri 03-May-19 14:15:31

You are so so brave. Well done you flowers

No matter what anyone says or does to someone they do not have the right to abuse you verbally, mentally or physically angry

As others have said if this was your DD or even DS you would demand they leave straight away so stick to that advice. You have shown that it is not acceptable behaviour & this is what to do should anyone ever be placed in the situation you have so sadly found yourself in. You are not putting up with it & neither should anybody man or woman, that find themselves in an abusive situation.

No one is saying the next few weeks, months or even years are going to be easy but I assure you now he has done it once, he will do it again I absolutely guarantee it, from personal experience sad

The apologies, gifts & sorry's are all good & well, plus he's swore to never do it again, doesn't know what came over him, he'll get help yadda yadda, until next time. There WILL be a next time.

The mental scars & the fear will always be there lurking in the corner no matter how much you think you've gotten over it if you take him back.
Every time you say something he doesn't agree with, 'will he go for me', every time you have an argument, 'will he go for me', did I make his cuppa right, 'will he go for me'? Might sound dramatic but he's never laid a hand on you in 19yrs, now that he has that line has been crossed & there is no going back.

I send you all my love & strength & promise it gets easier in time

Much love xx

ImNotNigel Fri 03-May-19 14:24:07

Soups, milk shake, smoothies, ice cream, fruit juice. Anything apart from alcohol ( the worst thing in this situation, you need a clear head ).

I’m glad to hear you have lots of RL support. Please try to focus on yourself and your children, you don’t have the mental energy to worry about his issues / therapy / lack of communication skills.

There’s plenty help for him out there is he wishes to access it but that has to be 100% his responsibility. Please politely rebuff any friends and family who want to talk about him and how you can fix him.

And don’t worry about where he will stay next week. I work with homeless people and I can assure you we NEVER see men with jobs, savings, credit cards and a support system who have split up with their partner like this. Because they are very good at doing what they have always done - looking after Number One.

Despite what he ( or any flying monkeys) might tell you, he will find a room somewhere very easily, either a friends spare room or rented.

I hope you will be able to get some legal advice next week, so you know where you stand regarding the house etc.

Have you taken sick leave from work ? Will you boss / colleagues be sympathetic ?

Have you set up a means of communicating with him that doesn’t involve you seeing him or speaking to him Eg email , via a third party etc ? Email is best so you don’t have to screen shot everything.

SignedUpJust4This Fri 03-May-19 14:49:00

You are doing the right thing OP. Imagine that rage unleashed on your toddler. So sorry this happened to you.

mary91 Fri 03-May-19 14:51:10

thanks

Pigsinduvets Fri 03-May-19 15:05:01

The sitting silent, frozen and mute is called stonewalling. It’s an abusive technique. It’s done purposefully to devalue you and your feelings. It’s not because they are crap communicators. It’s because they are effective abusers.

Branleuse Fri 03-May-19 15:18:27

im sorry OP, you must be devastated, but not only must you protect yourself, you must also show your daughter that this is absolutely unforgivable and that if a man raises his hand, you walk away

MsDogLady Fri 03-May-19 15:20:31

I am sorry that you are going through this physical and emotional pain. Yes, you must leave him.

Your daughter bravely tried to help you, but he pushed her away so he could attack you. She may feel some guilt that she was unable to stop him. She must also be shocked at what her father is capable of. Your calling the police and refusing to allow him back is showing her that she should never tolerate violence.

Did your toddler see or hear the attack? If so, it must have been very scary. I wonder how your husband reacted to him/her after he found all the talc.

This is so difficult to come to terms with, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. You and your daughter would likely benefit from the support of counseling to process your thoughts and feelings.

pointythings Fri 03-May-19 16:01:55

You're doing everything right. Your determination shines through all your posts. Keep being the exception to the rule, keep being the one woman whose partner gets exactly one shot at DV and no second chances.

As one exception to another, I raise a brew to you.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 18:11:17

I keep reading this thread. Thank you all for commenting, it makes me feel less alone. I have support, but it's easier to read than talk.

Social services are being contacted. The school had an obligation etc. I have been referred to a DV charity and have an appointment with a solicitor next week.

He's texted me but I haven't replied.

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 18:12:38

Alone isn't the right word. Can't think.

S1naidSucks Fri 03-May-19 18:29:41

May I suggest that you video yourself eating and talk about how uncomfortable and painful it is, how frightened you were when he did it, how your daughter reacted and how you feel now. If you end up crying during it, so be it.

If you ever feel that you want him back or kid yourself that you over reacted, just play back the video. Good luck OP, I wish my mother had been as strong as you. 💐

Charley34 Fri 03-May-19 18:45:09

Thinking of you and your DC.
sorry this happened to you sending hugs x

Annasgirl Fri 03-May-19 18:47:38

Oh OP just want to send you support. Please do not listen to this man and do not let him back into your life. Why did your parents mention that he is contrite - so what? My parents would not be in the same room as a man who hit me. If your parents are not 100% on board with you please find people who are. Also, change your locks.

He seems to think he can come back after the weekend - please do not let him back ever, you owe it to yourself and you owe it to your children.

Reach out to people who will help you. And continue to be strong. There are lots of women on here who can give you practical advice and emotional support.

KTara Fri 03-May-19 18:54:20

I am so sorry, you must be so shocked.

You are doing the only thing you can but that does not make it any easier. You did not cause this.

I am glad you have support around you. Please take it. Be gentle with yourself flowers

pointythings Fri 03-May-19 19:04:09

I'm shocked at your parents' response, to be honest. My parents loved my H - he was a DH for most of our long marriage until it went wrong - but if he had ever raised a hand to him, he'd have been dead to them. I hope you will seek support with this - PP have suggested the Freedom Programme and I second that.

I also think making a recording is a good idea. It will steel you when you start doubting yourself. And you will.

Meanwhile let the wheels of officialdom and services roll on. And don't let him come home - SS can help with that, as can police DV services. The law is on your side here, use it.

Sarcelle Fri 03-May-19 19:05:59

Is the text an apology. Or does he want to come back?

IndieTara Fri 03-May-19 19:24:47

What did the text say OP?

Tavannach Fri 03-May-19 19:31:00

Stay strong. I hope you feel better soon.flowers

MeltedEggMum Fri 03-May-19 19:33:04

I skimmed through it. I can't read it again.

He apologised fir the kids, he said sorry to me. I don't remember.

MrsMozartMkII Fri 03-May-19 19:40:34

Oh lass. I'm so sorry. No wise words, just a gentle handhold.

Starlight456 Fri 03-May-19 19:41:08

Agree well done in phoning the police . I was strangled by my ex . He was cautioned and Ss informed. I didn’t leave at the time absolutely should have. From that point it will never get better.

The one thing that sticks out for me that I haven’t seen mentioned Is in your post you tried to diffuse the situation . I do wonder how much you do this and compromise.

It may well be worth looking at the freedom program. I think you will find there have been lots of emotional abuse.

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