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Husbands 1 night stand - it's been 8 weeks and I still think about it everyday

(29 Posts)
Riss70 Tue 17-Jul-07 12:08:31

I found out my husband has a one night stand - things were really at a shitty place in the marriage when it occured but that was for both of us - only one of us was selfish and spinless enough to resort to infidelity - we are attending professional counselling (have only been once as we had a holiday previously booked and have only just returned)
BUT the problem is that I still think about what he has done almost every day WHEN does this invasion of my head space stop - every now and then I just feel like screaming GET OUT LEAVE I CAN"T GET PAST THIS!!!!!

Admittedly he does seem to be trying very hard ot make some changes and being - generally very considerate but these invasive thoguhts are driving me spare

pirategirl Tue 17-Jul-07 12:10:52

I don't know how long it takes. I'm sorry, it must hurt like hell, and totally put a whole new dimension to your relationship.

You must be very angry, is the counselling geared towards your anger. Perhaps YOU need to go seperately, to see how you feel.

RubySlippers Tue 17-Jul-07 12:12:43

i think what you are feeling is natural
you are very angry with him but the key is to move past this point if you can
the counselling should help with this process
it may not happen overnight - could be weeks or months
have you told your DH how angry you still are

Desiderata Tue 17-Jul-07 12:14:04

I'm so sorry to here it, Riss. I can't help at all, except to acknowledge that you must be hurting like hell at the moment.

Speccy Tue 17-Jul-07 12:16:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DangerousBeans Tue 17-Jul-07 12:17:52

Eight weeks is not very long, and you are bound to be devastated about this.
The counselling will help you to address your feelings.
Whether you will ever completely forgive him is a different issue, but it is good that you are both trying hard to make your relationship work.
It might be an idea to take some time for yourself to think things through away from home.

Hassled Tue 17-Jul-07 12:21:41

My ex-DH had a very brief affair 1n 1994. We split up in 1995 - I'm now happily remarried with 2 additional children to the 2 I had with ex. Ex and I are great friends - he babysat last night for DH and I.
However, whenever I think about what he did, the lies he told, what the OW was doing, the deceit etc etc I STILL get bloody livid - and we're talking 1994!
You're being completely reasonable to be so angry - and you will continue to be angry for a long time. 8 weeks is no time at all when you think about you have to come to terms with. What you will find is that as time passes the gaps between the bouts of anger get longer and longer. Eventually I could forgive my ex, but we split up due to the badness of the marriage that prompted him to stray in the first place. I agree that counselling on your own first might get the whole "moving on" process started more easily. Good luck.

Riss70 Tue 17-Jul-07 12:24:28

He knows that I am angry but I have said that I will try and keep it to the sessions with the counsellor - one is on next week that god!!!!!

If things get too much as they were on holdays whilst we were playing Happy F*Cking families with various friends and family members he would sometimes pick up that I was not travelling too well and come and place a hand on my shoulder or knee and await my reaction - then react accordingly to my response. He did well in all honesty.

I think that I may ned seperate counselling as I am now getting very angry and having terrible thoughts about the girl involved and my thought patterns are more destructive than they were initally - sometimes I just feel like smacking my husband in the mouth - it is just this strong urge that hoits suddenly and is intense for about 1-2 minutes - so far I have resisted it...oh yes and infromed him that it is happening intermittently to me. I also want to confront her and almost feel like hitting her (I have to work at the same place as the cow and initally I did not blame ehr at all only him now it seems it is spreading)

AND YES YES YES it hurts like hell to think that he as prepared to risk his family, me and the three children for a quick shag against the f*ucking pub wall - mind you he has quit working there since it occured - before I found out and and of his own volition grrrr do I keep making excuses or allowances here for this jerk!

overdraft Tue 17-Jul-07 12:25:16

Hi Riss
My dh had an affair which lasted 5 weeks. You will stop getting angry. I still think about it everyday and we are two years on , I don't get angry all the time now though.I felt like you many times and did scream GET OUT and just want the hurt to go away.
Your realationship is different now and will not return to how it was before. It isn't a bad thing as now it can even be better. In the beginning it consumed my every thought, i went over and over it. I love my husband though and he is a different. You will never forget but you will begin to make peace with yourself. Keep posting XX

overdraft Tue 17-Jul-07 12:28:55

God Riss having to work with her must be tough.My dh other woman was our nextdoor neighbour and I had to live there on my own for months and see her walking about. Good on you for not hitting her though

plus30 Tue 17-Jul-07 14:41:08

Hi there

My dh had a one night stand five years ago. We had only been married for two years and most of that I had spent working away from home. While on one of my trips he went to Edinburgh to visit his best friend and the pair of them headed out got bollock drunk and picked up a couple of girls. I knew something was different the moment I got back from my trip. Dh was distracted, fidgety, wasn't sleeping or eating and over the following couple of weeks lost a lot of weight. I knew something wasn't right but didn't know what until eventually he broke down and told me what he had done. He was full of remorse and I was absolutely furious. Although i said the marriage was over neither of us made any attempt to physically move and over the next few weeks my emotions swung between being angry, disappointed, angry, hurt, angry and furious! Funnily enough I didn't really think much about the other girl - it wasn't really important to me but then I knew she was living in a different country and I knew there was no chance that there was anything going on.
Anyway I won't bore you (or anyone) with all the details but suffice to say we are still together and had our first child 2 years ago this September. It hasn't always been easy - i was particularly resentful following the birth of our daughter for some reason - in a funny kind of way I think I felt like I had rewarded him for bad behaviour by giving him the most precious gift? But on the whole things haven't been all bad. Our relationship is possibly better than ever than ever - we communicate more and I can honestly say I'm not living in fear of him doing it again. I'm not saying it never gets cast up in the heat of a row (which thankfully we dont do very often) or that it doesn't enter my head from time to time but it's really not a big deal anymore. Sorry for the rant but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it CAN get better and I hope for the sake of you and your children it does. My advice is to let your emotions out and make sure your husband knows that he owes it to you to listen to your every word as when you need him too. Good luck!

Scampynoodle Tue 17-Jul-07 14:51:08

I'm so sorry that you are going through this so I hope that these comments help.

For what it's worth, why not show him how completely f@cking angry you are? What's wrong with him seeing how utterly devastating this has been for you? Is it really so bad if he sees you shrieking or if you do give him a smack? I know that it sounds awful to advocate violence but there are times when all the talk in the world doesn't create the same feeling or have the same impact as chucking a dinner service at the wall.

Counselling certainly seems to be the way ahead, if only to help you through this awfulness (and I'm all for Pirategirl's idea that you could go on your own - I've done that in the past and it's soooo helpful and liberating). You can't carry this type of anger around forever because there comes a time when, for your own sanity, you have to move on (even if you always retain the urge to kick him in the cock).

But I reckon that your anger also has to be acknowledged if you are going to deal with it. And part of that process is his acknowledging and understanding exactly how angry you are - if that takes an afternoon of you chasing him with a large stick then so be it.

Finally, don't beat yourself up about still being angry. Any shock in life can take such a long time to sink in. All of us deal with life's shit in the only way we know - do it in your way, in your own time. Think about yourself, now, and what you need to do to get through this. For one moment eight weeks ago your husband did nothing but think of himself. I reckon the least he can do now is afford you the same luxury.

I hope this helps. Please put me right if it doesn't!


hurtwife Tue 17-Jul-07 18:18:02

Hope you are ok - but you have a right to be angry - hopefully once you get it out it will be gone. Remember it is eary days - are you sure you really want to make a go of this marriage? I say that because you may not have made up your mind yet and all this is still such a shock. The fact that he can move on proves it was not that much for him - which is a good thing surely. It was probably just sex (i hope that helps to think of it like that - just a function really).

It must be hard to have to work with her - is she embarassed at all? Dont sink yourself to her level - you are a better person than that at least (whatever your other faults you would not stoop so low).

The anger will go - there are some techniques but i am not that good at them. Try and limit yourself to a time to think about it and then go and treat yourself - say to a bath or a sit down with a glass of wine - something just for you alone.
Look at the 'bigger picture' - this is just a small thing it could have been a lot worse (i am not saying that to be patronizing) but in the big scheme of life this will just be a blip and if you can work it out together then you can be stronger.

I remember your posts when you first found out and i remember then that you did not seem so angry - is this the way you tend to be or was it just shock?
Do you think that maybe you are now trying to get your H to 'give up' and prove you right? I think i sometimes do that just to test him to the limit but i think that is a natural reaction too.

Take care and be kind to yourself

elesbells Tue 17-Jul-07 18:34:44

hi riss. you have received some very good advice here already but i just wanted to add that is perfectly acceptable for you to be angry and agree you should show him how you feel. If that means screaming, shouting, swearing and spitting fire at him then so be it.

it might also help you to accept that, in time, you might forgive him as the pain and rawness of it all will fade, but you will never forget his infidelity. this will change your relationship forever, be it good because you might both try a little harder or bad because you will never recover from the pain.

most of all you need to give yourself as much time as you need to get through this and if individual councelling is for you then go for it, working through your feelings on your own might be better for you.

i wish you luck and hope you do what is best for you and your family.

maturer Tue 17-Jul-07 20:40:38

Riss 8 weeks is still very raw-It's 3years...will be 4 in Nov since I found out about mydh affair and there still isn't a day goes by when I don't think about it!
However we are still together and through this trauma and counselling we are closer and stronger.

I did counselling by myself I needed to vent the anger and sadness in a safe place otherwise I think it can be so destructive doing it all together.

Time does heal very slowly.... I know that feeling of wanting it out of your head it's so unfair you never asked for it you did nothing wrong and yet it's stuck there forever....there are times I feel ambushed by the thoughts as they come from out of no where but I can now most of the time choise to push them away and what we have as acouple now having got through this to gether is i believe a closeness we may not have had.

Give it time, keep talking make sure he shares your pain and yes I'd say look after your own mental well being and have some you counselling.

hurtwife Tue 17-Jul-07 21:51:39

Riss also think of all these lovely people who you are now connected to just because of this shit you have to deal with. We are all now connected and for that i feel some kind of thanks.

One day i hope i can even meet some of these people who have helped me through this awful time but until then i hope to at least be a bit of help to others in a similar position.

My friends are emmigrating next week over to you and we will hopefully be coming to visit sydney next july. Thats a long way off just imagine how our lives will be by then.

Take care and find a way to vent the anger.

Riss70 Fri 20-Jul-07 09:15:31

Thank you all sooo much for your kinds words and wisdom - at times I feel like this mad obsessed woman because the thoughs as you say Maturer, ambush you from nowhere

And I might just take the advice that you other fine MN's have given me and really give it too him letting him know how angry I am as it has been like a tumour trying to contain it until the counselling session this time - especially after the "holiday of facade" as I cynically refer to it in my mind

This is the first opportunity I have had to get back on MN since I made the post....

I would never hit either of them even though I feel that way....well perhaps him ;-)

And Hurt...I guess that the anger and pain is settling now where as initally we had become so distant and detached that there was a nothingness. The fact that he is doing so many things that should have always been happening is reminding me of what he put at risk for a cheap shag against the pub wall and yes it was only sex he has indicated that he has no desire to see her again, he even quit his job at the pub where she frequents....thank you so much for your advice throughout and for remembering me xx Pleae get in touch when you are closer to coming over and perhaps if you have the time we may have a chance to meet.

Today I emailed him from work and let him know that I am at boiling point and that he may well expect an outburst very soon and that the purpose of the email was to let off steam so that I did not completely fly off the handle irationally and tell him to get out then and there....I have comitted to attending sounselling for a period until I make a choice about the marriage and I want to do that as I beleive it can work and in all honesty on the majority of days it ahs been better than it has for a long long lets see and thank you all again xx

purplepoppet Fri 20-Jul-07 09:19:03

Its' still very early days, so don't be hard on yourself for feeling like're perfectly normal. You do have to get it out though, otherwise you will go mad and he deserves to know how much he's hurt you.

Best of luck with it all and as they say, time's a great healer and in time you will know where this is going.

Riss70 Fri 20-Jul-07 10:23:53

Thanks Poppet....I hope that you and the others are right that time will help and I know that I must allow myself to let out the anger or yes I will go spare!!!

Riss70 Mon 23-Jul-07 10:55:58

bumping for back up ;-)

Riss70 Mon 23-Jul-07 11:37:05

any feedback.......I know I sound terrible but I am going spare with the crap that this has entailed!!!

annieatno4 Mon 23-Jul-07 11:47:22

Hi, iam sorry you feel like this - iam in a similar position, but its been 12 weeks, and iam still churning it over. So, iam sorry no advice, but just to give you support and hugs

Riss70 Tue 24-Jul-07 01:36:18

Thanks Annie - and to you as is horrible isn't it and sometime you just need some support to know that someone is acknowledging your feelings ..... take care

hurtwife Tue 24-Jul-07 03:04:02

Just wanted to say i am still thinkjng of you and my friends fly out on wednesdsay so will be thinking of oz even more then and would love to meet up when over there - is that husband bashing season in july (oh please say yes !!!).

Catch up soon but remember you are not alone -what am i doing up at 3 am british time - well the demons are still with me - say no more!

alipigwidgeon Tue 24-Jul-07 04:27:59

hurtwife how are you (alipiggie with HP name). Often think how life's treating you too. My demons (H related) subside and then something brings them all back to the surface again. Strangely enough, Harry Potter is one thing that brings it all back. Long story. It's nearly two years since I found out about H's affair and no, I'll never ever forget what he's done. He's change mine and the boys lives forever as he decided that marriage wasn't for him, eternal bachelor springs to mind. I'm coming out the other side a stronger and more confident woman. Would I ever forgive him, no I won't, and sadly the hurt will probably come back harder at one point as I'm sure he's going to end up with the OW.

Take each day as it comes. Accept any offers of help that come your way. Remember you are not alone in having these feelings. Take strength from the thought that you have already got so far. Thinking of you and all the others who have gone through this.a

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