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No Contact

(176 Posts)
AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 12:52:10

Going through a pretty rough time at the moment (in the grand scheme of world miseries not so rough, but it's all subjective).....was dumped after a huge row, currently 10 days no contact. Does anyone have any stories of the other person realising their life was miserable without you and coming back? I need some hope to fuel my fantasies!

Doughnuts88 Fri 24-May-19 12:28:39

Saw my ex today, very briefly. He told me what he had been up to with work and when I commented that he seemed better, he said he really wasnt, just busy. He cried and hugged me and said how good it was to see me and that he wished he could stay longer. No contact starts again now!

mjvb123 Thu 23-May-19 20:14:36

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust It is. She was getting poorly again towards the end of our relationship. To use his words 'it will get her eventually' sad
Right now I'm not reacting, as far as I know she is still here. But as you say, despite no longer being in each other's lives, this is unprecedented.
Would it be me, to not acknowledge it and reach out? Honestly, no. Because even though I now feel like I didn't mean very much to him, he did mean (and still does mean) a lot to me.
And I know in this case, I wouldn't be 'giving to receive'.
But I don't know, as you say it will depend how I feel when the time comes.
I will probably be asking you then, what you think I should do!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 23-May-19 19:45:59

@mjvb123 oh that is sad about his mum. I would struggle to know what to do in those circumstances. You're not part of each others lives anymore, but a loss like that sort of takes precedent really. I'd like to think that if I went through something like that that people would reach out. You'll have to see how you feel. Even if you did reach out it doesnt mean youd have to engage in conversation or start undoing all your hardwork.

mjvb123 Thu 23-May-19 19:31:09

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust You should! Honestly. It seems the fog is clearing for you, which is great. But not to say it still won't be a bumpy ride to come! (Sorry!)
You really do just have to take it day by day, and as I've seen you say to a pp - as long as you know you've said your piece, made your apologies. The ball is no longer in your court. It it's up to them, if and when the time is right.
No I didn't, I was a good girl! I've actually been going through an 'angry' phase the past couple of days. Stark contrast to the beginning of the week, when I was feeling so very sad for him.
His mum has days left sad
I'm not sure how I'm going to feel or react when the time comes.
I know, I can say all these things, and on the outside look like I'm doing well. But I don't feel like I am.
At this stage there is nothing more we can do. Which can at times, be very hard to make peace with.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 23-May-19 18:55:01

@mjvb123 awww thank you 😊 I act all strong but I'm a mess inside Haha. Did you end up messaging him? I might have to read the messages back from the start of this thread. I feel a bit stronger as in my head is clearer and I know what's right and wrong now and it isnt clouded by how I felt. I do still love him though and secretly hope he will get in touch but what can you do?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 23-May-19 18:51:01

@Doughnuts88 I wish I could follow my own advice to be honest lol it's tough, there are some days I've wanted to send him a list of suggestions of how to end his life coz I hate him that much and other days I would have happily traded a family member just to hear his message tone go off Haha. The extremes are horrible. I remember at about day 12 thinking I was over him and surprised at how easy it was Haha. It was a cruuuuuel trick even today I have felt fine all day then wanted to cry when I got home. But now I'm thinking right, if I found out in a couple of weeks he had met someone would I rather be upset and also gutted because all I'd done was cry and eat crap and I looked like crap Haha or would I rather be upset but think at least I'm getting on track and will find someone better? People say you shouldnt do things for them or to please them or in the hope they come back which is true, but you care about someone so its natural. Best thing to do is to just use that pain to do something positive.

@Unlucky2015 everyone on this thread will tell you not to give in!!!! If its meant to be it will be , just let it play out. If you've made mistakes then apologise by all means dont just play a game, but if theres nothing else you can say that you havent already said then leave him to come to you and if he doesnt, he wasnt that bothered anyway and it's better to find out now than waste more time!

mjvb123 Thu 23-May-19 18:43:43

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust Can I just say how super impressed I am by the advice you have just given?! wink
Look back at your previous posts and see how far you have come already!
I completely agree, with the line 'only accept things when you are ready'.
As you know, I'm a bit further down the line from you, and I've reminded myself many times that it's ok, we all grieve and process things at our own rate.
This is my grieving process.
And that's what I'd say to anyone else going through the same. Don't beat yourself up or think that you need to speed up the process. What I've come to realise is that it shows me my feelings are genuine and I am sincere. And there is nothing wrong with that smile

Doughnuts88 Thu 23-May-19 18:15:39

That was just what I needed to hear and you are so so right. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out, it really helped and I think I'll be re-reading it a lot!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 23-May-19 16:07:58

@Doughnuts88 if you dont want to accept it's over yet you dont have to. There is no timescale. I havent really accepted it yet, if I think of months down the line without him I feel sick, but I'm just taking one day at a time really. Dont put too much pressure on yourself. You dont know what's going to happen, a lot can change from day to day, their feelings can change from day to day so dont force yourself to accept anything you're not ready for. What helped me is having a plan too. I thought right if I've not heard anything in a fortnight I will send a letter. I found that if I knew I could make contact if I wanted and didnt have that taken away, then I coped better. You will find that by the time the two weeks rolls around anyway you want to wait longer or something may have changed. I wouldnt keep in touch with him at all or ask to meet. Just tell yourself 'look we arent dead. So there is the opportunity at some point to meet if we both want to. It doesnt all have to happen straightaway'. Tell yourself that and then leave him to it. All you are doing now is feeding his ego. Think of it roles reversed if you didnt want to speak to someone all that much right now and they asked to see you. It would make you feel reassured. You wouldnt be worried that you had lost them because they are there literally telling you they are waiting for you. Keep reminding yourself of that. Remove yourself and make yourself unavailable to him.

Unlucky2015 Thu 23-May-19 15:56:49

Day 10.. half way through and temptations to cave.
Someone stop me lol x :-(

Doughnuts88 Thu 23-May-19 13:27:38

I really needed to hear that today,you have done amazing! I've been tempted to text after we had a nice chat yesterday (although I stupidly asked if we could meet and he shot me down saying it would be nice but he is needing to stay in and catch up with work) and knowing that I am seeing him tomorrow when he drops stuff off at the house. No contact should be able to start properly again over the weekend then. I'm starting to get it in to my head it is really over and that I deserve better. Got good news about a couple jobs i applied for so that was a win too!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 23-May-19 13:09:17

Hi newbies! You are both doing really well. It is very hard, I'm on about day 30/31 I've stopped keeping track now which is a good sign. I've had nothing apart from him trying to get my attention. Maybe that's why I feel okish at the moment, but it doesnt really get easier if I'm being completely honest ha. You just have less moments of waking up with your stomach in knots and wanting to cry all the time. You limit the crying to odd moments here and there and just feel a low level of sadness all the time rather than the intensity of the first few days. My advice would be do all you can to work on yourself. I know its said a lot and it's the last thing you want to do when you're miserable, but do things, little things. If they do get back in touch, you will realise at that point that they have been getting on with their lives and you are almost resentful that you let them consume your time so much and wish you had just got on and moved forwards. So do little bits, whether it's a nice hair cut (nothing drastic haha), gym more, eating better, pushing yourself with a new job, decorating, just something positive that is moving your life forwards. That way if they come back you will be stronger and feel more in control of whether you want to let them back in. And if they dont, you havent just sat and festered for weeks, you have started building something just for you. Plus noone is going to want someone that they think is sat at home pining after them, it's too easy. So you need to make yourself a bit unobtainable, to make the idiots feels like rubbish for letting you go and also to improve your own self-esteem. I'm only saying this from my own experience, I tried getting myself together for a couple of weeks, then the reality hit and I felt completely drained no motivation for weeks and let it fall apart and I regret that now and wish I had just kept going. You cant control what someone else thinks/feels/wants, you are never going to be able to do that, but you can control what happens to you.

Unlucky2015 Wed 22-May-19 12:24:55

Thank you
I’m sure you’ll get back to no contact eventually.

Doughnuts88 Wed 22-May-19 10:48:44

Not really, just telling me about his busy day at work and evening out. Been a bit more texting today. It does get worse before it gets better. I wont be texting again after this fizzles out - back on no contact for me and you didnt cave, so well done.

Unlucky2015 Wed 22-May-19 10:45:40

Least you did eventually get a response.
Yes you will need some contact to sort the house sale.
Did he have much more to say?
I’m on day 9 and burst into tears for about a hour this morning. I thought it would get easier the longer no contact went on but it seems to be getting worse. I didn’t cave though x

Doughnuts88 Wed 22-May-19 09:08:03

Sorry, meant to say no contact or limited contact (we are selling our house) for 2 weeks.

Doughnuts88 Wed 22-May-19 09:07:20

He did reply super late to say he'd been busy (yawn) and said 'I've been better', blaming it on work and a lack of sleep. And asking how I was and hoping I was ok. I have offered him the house countless times so he can get some time alone to chill out but never takes me up on it!

Unlucky2015 Tue 21-May-19 22:57:11

No reply is still a reply as people say.
How long did you go no contact for? X

Doughnuts88 Tue 21-May-19 19:43:52

Thank you Unlucky, no reply so far and not expecting one now. Clearly going no contact was something he was rather pleased about despite his reservations! Feel like a fool. Do not give in, its brutal getting no reply but at least its killed that hope I had thinking he still cared.

Unlucky2015 Tue 21-May-19 15:42:44

So sorry to hear that doughnuts
I’m on day 8 no contact and that’s what stops me when I’m close to caving the fact as i did cave and I got no response it would hurt me all over again!
Maybe he will reply to you later tonight? Who knows x

Doughnuts88 Tue 21-May-19 15:01:30

I caved and messaged asking how he was and he saw it hours ago and hasn't replied. At least I have my answer, which is probably a blessing as if he had replied I was going to ask to see him the weekend. I just don't get how easy it is for him to walk away from 6 years.

mjvb123 Tue 21-May-19 13:30:00

@Lau247 Oh I am so so sorry to hear you went through that.
So incredibly sad thanks
I can't begin to imagine how difficult it's been. Has he ever apologised for his behaviour? How things ended?
Yeah it was very confusing. I wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve.
But as it's a couple of months down the line now, he's got whatever he wanted out of that. Part of me, has excused him not acting further as I know his mum has deteriorated in this time. So his energies (rightly so) have been towards her. It's looking like she hasn't got much time left (a matter of days). I think when she does go, I will find it incredibly hard not to break NC.
Ah yes, I have thought about cutting ties many times. I have managed to scale back, but I really don't want to lose them on top of everything else.

Lau247 Tue 21-May-19 00:23:03

@mjvb123 yeah your right actions speak way louder than words and he’s not really the typical guy as in he wound send me huge essays generally thought guys usually just ignore or say one word lol but it would be full of promises he didn’t keep so when I read them two messages at the weekend I just thought bullshit I’ve heard it all before.

Yeah I can imagine so much can happen in a few weeks let alone 6 months.. my ex did some bad things to me and I’m reminded of it everyday not sure if i said in this thread but he abandoned me whilst pregnant and I had to have a termination and he didn’t come with me I feel I carry that every day too.. can’t go down the baby isle in shops or watch certain programmes pregnant women are a huge trigger and it just takes me back to what he did.

Staying in touch with mutual friends isn’t really a good idea and could be why you haven’t heeled properly it may be best to cut ties for your own good.. I only had one of his friends numbers and I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp so he can’t see what I’m doing my pics etc and report back. Both him and my ex are now blocked on WhatsApp although I think I said I can’t bring myself to completely block the number from being able to text me .

That was a coward way to contact you and seems very confusing.. I wouldn’t know what to think if I was you but the fast he hasn’t said anything after all this time really says it all I guess.

I have felt this way before with previous ex’s I’ve actually felt worse than this lol I do know how to pick them but I think out of all my rships its very hard for he to get over what he has done and be able to move forward in my mind.. I should hate him for it but sadly I don’t

lifegoes Mon 20-May-19 21:11:04

I just want to drop in and say how amazing you are all doing. NC is so hard and I've done the begging thing, I begged me ex to please give me a chance and that I loved him. He told me he loved me very much but he couldn't trust me. (Tbh it was made easier after that as I found out he was still happily married and I didn't know) but it didn't make the NC any easier believe me. I had fallen for the guy so much. And there were days (wrongly May I add) I hated that I wasn't good enough. That I had begged him and I still wasn't good enough.

He's still happily with her (she did find out)

I digress, but you are all doing amazingly well. Be proud of yourself, NC is hard no matter how/why it's done. I'm sure women really suffer more than men with it too

Doughnuts88 Mon 20-May-19 21:00:08

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like that, it is so hard. He contacted me about our house but I get the impression he would like to chat more. He said he wanted to continue talking when I said we should have less contact.

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