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(176 Posts)
AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 12:52:10

Going through a pretty rough time at the moment (in the grand scheme of world miseries not so rough, but it's all subjective).....was dumped after a huge row, currently 10 days no contact. Does anyone have any stories of the other person realising their life was miserable without you and coming back? I need some hope to fuel my fantasies!

Fonduefrolics Wed 01-May-19 13:19:53

No contact? Have you tried to contact them or are you waiting for them to contact you? Was it definitely a dumping situation? After 10 days of no contact I wouldn’t bother to chase them but only you know how important this relationship is to you.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 13:25:05

Thanks for replying. Easter weekend was the last communication and there has been nothing since then. I decided to hold on to a bit of dignity and stop trying from that point.

Fonduefrolics Wed 01-May-19 13:33:20

It’s probably for the best OP. It does get easier with time. They know where you are if they have a change of heart - but are they really worth it?

Also just wanted to add that in the grand scheme of things most worries are insignificant but it doesn’t stop them from effecting our emotions. Your feelings are your feelings, I hope you feel better soon x

Dinky123 Wed 01-May-19 13:35:03

Hey- have been looking for a no contact thread.

Got to day 7 no contact yesterday and then decided to message him which resulted in going over to his house. Ended up in a huge argument and now back to day 1. Feeling utterly shit.

Sending hugs to you x

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 13:40:38

They are probably not worth it, it's been a long time coming but hurts more than I thought it would. I'm in my 30s too and feel like I should be past feeling like this!

Oh no! Whenever you start the contact again you quickly remember why it was best not speaking.....a few days after that you are back to missing them though. I found the first week relatively ok, probably because its happened so much I was used to the routine, but now it's new territory my mind is in overdrive!!

I dont know how to tag for the individual replies sorry!

Dinky123 Wed 01-May-19 13:45:39

Yes we were defo not ready to be in the same room as each other. Was just awkward and neither one of us knew how to act.

Felt so proud of myself for getting to a week. Gutted that I am now back on day 1. Determined to do better this time around though.

Is there any chance of getting back together?X

Tucobenedicto Wed 01-May-19 13:51:05

You must know yourself deep down if this will ever work..go with your gut..if you think you can save things then contact him..just waiting for the other person to make the first move is a bit childish..good luck

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 13:51:38

What happened to cause the break up? I'm still in the miserable stage so I want there to a reconciliation but I know it's not for the best. In a selfish way I want him to be miserable ha.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 13:53:36

I'm not really waiting for him to make the first move to be honest. I said how I felt when we last spoke, either he was still annoyed or he just doesnt care and as time goes on I think it's the latter. No point me getting in touch to repeat what I've already said before.

Tucobenedicto Wed 01-May-19 14:00:19

It's a horrible time and we have all been in your situation...I used to lie in bed and think all sorts of rubbish so forced myself to get up and keep busy..it does help a bit if your mind is on other things

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 14:17:53

I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself to be honest. It was only a couple of years and there were lots of ups and downs but it hurts more than the end of a relationship which lasted 4 times as long. I will be feeling ok and then it's the thought that it will be months of feeling rubbish that makes me panic and sets it back again!

Tucobenedicto Wed 01-May-19 14:34:36

I feel your pain cause it's horrible...you are wondering what they are doing and secretly hoping they are feeling as miserable as you...have you any friends you can talk to cause that helps and also lots of wine....

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 14:53:45

Yup exactly that. You just feel pathetic that your feelings are dependant upon someone else's actions. I know they shouldn't be, but they are. Just one message would make all the sick feelings vanish (probably for only a short period of time but it would be some relief!) I wish I was the sort of person who could just throw myself into moving on but I just feel worse. Hopefully this stage will pass quickly but I'm not holding out much hope!

Ariela Wed 01-May-19 14:59:39

I hope you're holding out till they DO make contact and then you can say 'Sorry, do I know you?'

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 15:15:30

That's the dream Ha.

Tucobenedicto Wed 01-May-19 15:19:58

Don't make yourself ill...send a txt if you think it will make you feel better...the reply might then tell you all you need to know

Whatisgoingonwithmylife Wed 01-May-19 15:21:57

Gosh, yes! I’m here! I ended things and went NC following lots of silent treatments etc. It has been 10 weeks! Every single day gets easier but I still miss him, love him, want to talk to him! He’s reached out twice but I can’t keep doing it to myself, the situation was toxic and we both deserve more! What a sorry state of affairs sad

mjvb123 Wed 01-May-19 15:36:28

I'm almost 6 months NC... (from my side)
My ex did come out of the woodwork two months ago, rather cowardly through a mutual friend of ours.
I've not heard anything else since, and though I have had times when I've been tempted to text/call, I've always managed to talk myself out of it.
Because I realised; that me no longer being available to him, is a pretty natural consequence of his decision. He knows where I am. If he wanted to make amends, then he would make decisive action to do so.
I have been where you are, some days still, I am right back at that stage. But I do honestly think time and space is needed to allow objectivity and to grieve the end of the relationship.
Plus; how is he ever going to miss you, or regret the loss of you from his life, if you are there at the end of the phone reminding him of your existence and craving validation!
Honestly, I do understand. But please allow yourself (and him) some space. If he is meant to come back, then he will.
Be kind to yourself.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 15:48:25

10 weeks.......wow!!! I admire your will power. 10 weeks is the stuff of dreams right now. What did you do to help you through it?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 15:51:23

mjvb123 very good advice thank you. What will be will be I guess. I thought I had a pretty thick skin until this, nothing seems to phase me much, but this has completely knocked me.

Knackeredmommy Wed 01-May-19 18:55:44

10 weeks here too, actually messaged him about 3 weeks ago regarding some mail that came for him, no reply. Ah well! The time apart is good, the longer the nc the more time to reflect. Don't wait, just work on yourself.

Lau247 Wed 01-May-19 19:23:22

@anotheronebitesthedust I’m currently
On day 15 no contact and started my own thread the other day. Sounds a bit similar to your situation on and off and became toxic like you I’ve been through this routine with him many a times before but never get past a few days or a week.. but this time it’s different and I am determined to break the cycle as I’m 29 and want find someone to settle down and have children and he’s very immature. I haven’t heard a word from him and I don’t think I will although a small part of me hopes he will miraculously change and realise what he’s lost..

In my experience men always always come back eventually but generally when you do not want them too and literally could not give a shit anymore and have most likely moved on. Where as us women when we are over someone that is it we don’t look back.

I have had many times where I’ve broken contact we’ve argued and I’ve regretted it or we have been okay for a few weeks then something happens again and it is just not worth it!

In my opinion if a man really wanted to be with you and valued your Rship they would not go days without contacting you.

10 days is a long time to get too i often even struggled to get past a few days before I would end up messaging him and he would reply with huge essays about how he is going to change but literally the very next day would be doing the same things that caused the argument.

I try to keep busy be around friends etc and do things for myself I do want to text him sometimes but as I have been through this so many times I just have nothing left to say even if I did I really wouldn’t know what to say that’s how I know it is the end for real.

Keep going you can do it !

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Wed 01-May-19 22:52:44

@Lau247 I have just read your thread and your situation sounds so similar to mine. Maybe we were dating the same person?! I also live on my own no kids, friends all have families etc which makes it tough. I agree, if a man wants you, you know about it so the fact this time has passed tells me all I need to know really. You go through a stage of denial though dont you, making excuses for why there has been no contact....maybe he has lost his phone...been abducted by aliens....lost the use of his hands.... It's silly really but guess it's part of the process. I'm trying to keep busy but it's hard to find the motivation isn't it? 15 days is really good! I'm like you really, I do miss him, I do love him but I just have nothing left to say and am exhausted by it all to be honest. I'm still holding out hope he will be at my door next week crying his eyes out saying how stupid he has been, I really dont think it's a lot to ask.....ha... Never going to happen, but the fantasy keeps me going!

Lau247 Wed 01-May-19 23:47:59

@anotheronebitesthedust Lool they sound very similar! Yeah I agree you wound know about it but then again 10 days isn’t that long really depending on how long you were together and why you broke up... I think I’m past the denial stage I know he hasn’t contacted me cos he doesn’t want to and cos he thinks I will as of recently I’ve always been the one to break no contact.. but I have been in the in-denial stage before I do also have a habit of checking when he’s online on WhatsApp #stalker..

Sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation yes but I do force myself and I am really in a different place to where I was when we last stopped talking but it isn’t easy to get here and I could wake up one day and feel completely different.

Did he have a tendency to turn up at yours before ? Mine always used to do that when we argued or didn’t speak he would turn up here if I didn’t answer my buzzer he would leave notes on my car or in my letter box he has put pictures of me and him together along with long letters in my letter box .. he is 32 you can see by these actions he is very immature however he doesn’t do any of these things anymore I just don’t hear from him.

What is keeping me going is that if I don’t do this now then I won’t have what I want in life.. if they ever did genuinely want to change they have our number and know where we are they would make it known.

GreyCloud81 Thu 02-May-19 00:17:30

I’m also on day 10 of NC. However on the receiving end...
I don’t want him back (another thread somewhere about him being a lying cheat, who lived a double life), but I just keep waiting for the phone to ring, text to come through, or his key (locks changed) being tried in the door.

Think I just want him to realise he’s made a mistake, and let me put two fingers up at him. Or just to at least acknowledge the pain and hurt he has caused me.

Plus all his and the SDC personal belongings are here, it was his home. He left with the clothes he stood in. Nothing for the DSC. it’s all packed up. But I just have no where to take it, other than the tip! But can’t find it in me to dump, all his paperwork, memories if his late gran, photographs etc...

Day 11 tomorrow...

ALittleBitConfused1 Thu 02-May-19 06:25:51

Day 14 no contact. For me today. I know he removed my number from his contact list before when we argued so I'm assuming he did it this time too. In which case he's leaving the ball in my court. I know he would reply if i text but whats the point. It ended because of how little effort he put in in comparison to how much he expected me to put in so that says it all really. He was flakey and unreliable and i deserve better. Yes i miss him. Yes i loved him but ill be damned if i want to be with him again, making me feel like im just not important.
The thing is I realised that if I went nc it had to be to give me the time to get over him. Not just another tactic for me to use to try and get him to see my worth. He won't change. People who deserve 2nd chances don't actually need them. So nc is easy as syn once you've accepted it's over. Rather rhan using it as a waiting game, thinking right I'll show him.
If he didn't care when you were together why would he now.
I accepted my rship was over, nc was part of that. So knowing he would've deleted my number and would be expecting me to make the move I thought fuck it. I deleted everything. His number our messages, absolutely everything with his number attached. I then came off of wa for a week. I deleted messenger and deactivated my fb account. We met online so I deleted my whole pof (has obvs been dormant our whole rship) account too knowing that was another possible avenue of contact. Basically I can't contact him and he could only contact me if he had my number. End of. It's emotional freedom on a whole new level and you know what fuck him. If he can't treat me right I'll show him how a queen moves on, with style and grace.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 02-May-19 08:19:47

@Lau247 we argue a lot and to be honest the relationship is bordering on emotionally abusive, maybe that's why I'm thinking how I am now, I'm kind of conditioned to think a certain way and be worried about certain things. It's the typical when it was bad it was bad, but then there were the good times. Last month we had just short of a week not speaking and he made contact. This time feels different too. He feels like a stranger sometimes, maybe that's just when I'm feeling numb but they are the scariest moments because if I feel like that then he is bound too as well. I'm the same, up until recently I have always been in touch first. Even this time after we argued i tried for a good week to talk and at least have it end amicably but no. It's either a form of 'punishment' which I know is wrong anyway or he has just gone, probably both. Honorary member of the #stalker club here too! Lol. A spare sim card may or may not have inserted itself in my phone the other day, created a WhatsApp account and checked his online status because I am blocked on his usual account and I had convinced myself he had died in a week and that's why he hadn't messaged (obviously the only reason someone wouldn't message me is because of death?!) Haha. Thank God for the anonymity of mumsnet! I'm mentally not very stable at the moment! Hes never had form for turning up and I dont think he would. Deep down I know he doesnt care and I know all the hope I'm giving myself is silly. You just feel pathetic dont you? I'm a grown woman, act professional at work, put on a front but underneath I'm a crazy person lol. Wow the letters/photos etc are intense! It's weird how he can be that full on and then it go to nothing. And that is my reasoning for keeping going. I want to settle down and have a family and time is ticking so I cant afford to waste anymore time on someone who makes it clearer every day where i stand in their life!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 02-May-19 08:29:35

@GreyCloud81 day 11 today for me too.....how are you feeling? Where has he gone for 11 days without any belongings?! I've been in that situation with the same person too. We used to live together and I put everything of his in another room to try to mentally distance myself from it. It didn't work though because I knew what was behind the door when I walked past and it was almost worse in a way. Have you told him to come and collect his things? Your situation is worse than mine because at some point you are going to have to have contact to sort that out and sometimes having no contact and being in a little bubble oblivious to what they are up to/feeling/thinking helps to get through each day.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 02-May-19 08:46:34

@ALittleBitConfused1 I love your post, you sound like you have your shit together! I cant wait until I'm in that place. I'm trying to accept it at the moment, I dont want to cling on to hope and have the torment of technically going through two breakups when reality properly kicks in that it's over. The effort thing was the same with me. There were obstacles, but even when we were in contact recently and in a 'good place' I still felt deflated and like I was putting in more. Well done on deleting everything! I'm pretty much there too, any little reminders have been put in a bag in a cupboard, but I find myself noticing the spaces where they used to be more than I noticed the actual things when they were there. I love the last sentence of your post, I will be repeating that to myself every day now! I acted a bit pathetic at first and let my emotions get the better of me and as hard as it is getting through the days, it's now (pretty much) 11 days where I haven't played into his hands and given him the satisfaction of hearing me crying. I wasnt perfect at all and there were things he put up with too, but what I keep telling myself as well is that I'm glad in a way that I'm hurting right now. At least hurting shows that I did genuinely have the feelings i said i had. So if he can walk away from this what have I lost? I've lost nothing. But he's lost someone who genuinely loved him so more fool him.

Lau247 Thu 02-May-19 09:59:56

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah we argued a lot too almost daily just before we went NC. I would say same for me that there has been good times obviously but i fell pregnant last summer not planned and he completely turned he didn’t want anything to do with it said he would suppprt me either way but actions showed other wise he didn’t contact me and wouldn’t respond to me I had to tell his family to get him to contact me and I made the very hard decision to terminate because I don’t think I could have done it alone my family don’t live local and I have a mortgage that I would struggle to afford alone whilst on mat leave he didn’t come with me to the termination and we went NC for a month after I heard nothing from him and I was the one to break it even then. Stupidly we got back together and he has never been the same since I told him I was pregnant that day. I held a lot of resentment towards him and he wasn’t even trying to be a better man.

I think it may be a good thing he has blocked you tbh that way even if you message it won’t go through and you won’t be breaking the NC I have asked mine to block me numerous times and he won’t.

I also thought the death thing blush because beflre we went NC he was crying down the phone to me telling me he was severely depressed so I started to think the worst.

How long were you together and how old is he? Does he still live with parents ?

I’m close to my work colleagues so they know what I’m going through so at work sometimes I do have a rant about him lol but I still feel a bit pathetic cos he’s done so much and I shouldn’t even care where he is or what he’s doing.

As for not being mentally stable I feel the same I suffer from anxiety anyway but my mental health has taken a nose dive since the pregnancy and he has massively contributed to it I’ve had conselling and I’m on the waiting list for CBT. He knew all of this and how it was effecting me and pretended to care but carried on doing the same things. If someone is effecting your mental health then they really are not good for you but sometimes you just kinda get stuck.

Yep he was quite intense this was all before the pregnancy really after that he stopped doing all those things he completely changed he would just do them to get me back anyway but he wouldn’t change his ways .

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 02-May-19 11:23:25

@Lau247 oh I'm so sorry you had to go through that on your own. That just shows the type of man he is and you are so much better off without him! Did he go to the termination with you?

I'm just into my 30s and hes late 30s. We used to live together but live separately now. How he acts and the games he plays though you would think he was a lot younger. To be fair how I am acting now I feel a lot younger, I feel like I should have a bit of life experience behind me now and be able to handle these situations, but apparantly not.

I am the same with work colleagues which is good I guess, I find I get so many differing opinions from people though and it's just a bit self indulgent and encourages me to wallow and analyse! Some people think hes met someone else and that I should be dating.....i couldn't think of anything worse right now. He might deal with it that way and if he does so be it, but it will just end up making me feel worse in the long run!

I suffer with anxiety too, I've never been to see anyone about it though. I should probably use this time to work on myself so mistakes I made dont repeat themselves when I eventually meet someone new. The thought of the bank holiday weekend coming up now isnt helping either. It seems like an endless amount of hours to get through, mind being in overdrive. Some people would kill for a few days to themselves wouldn't they? But having every weekend is just torture right now.

Whatisgoingonwithmylife Thu 02-May-19 12:43:27

Oh my goodness ladies, I also thought the death thing! He told me he was depressed, suicidal and then no contact! I assumed the worst! I wonder if this is a ploy of toxic men to keep us tethered to them?

Lau247 Thu 02-May-19 16:11:29

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah I know it does and you would have thought I would have left him then even I thought I would have at the time but clearly not.. no he didn’t come I went with my friend to all the appointments his excuse was he felt I didn’t want him there and pushed him out .. and he was right I didn’t want him there cos of how he was acting which I feel was the plan all long so he could completely distance himself from it all.

Oh okay he’s a bit older than mine then he is 32 but yes same acts much younger does yours have kids with anyone else ? I’m 29 and feel the same like why am I even bothered by this loser but I can’t help it and I’m not having a great day today tbh.

My friends tell me to date aswell and I have guys I talk to that are friends but interested and I’m not interested tbh.. I joined tinder blush but I have no interest to even chat to anyone. I have a feeling he is dating someone else but I thought that when I was pregnant and he wasn’t but I have my suspicions too.

Tbh my ex was busy a lot he worked 7 days a week so the bank holiday doesn’t bother me too much as one of our big issues was that he never made enough time for me so even if we were together I garuntee I would have been left till last. That being said because I’m not with him I feel I need a plan for the whole weekend as sitting around thinking about this situation makes it worse I was the same over the Easter bank hol too I always feel like I need to have plans when me and him Aren’t in contact which isn’t always easy when your friends have young children so I understand where you are coming from totally. Yep my friends always say they wish they had some me time.

@whatisgoingonwithmylife I think it may be just that ! Mine didn’t say he was suicidal but he kinda did without saying it. It’s also an excuse to justify their behaviour... saying they don’t know who they are anymore they don’t like themselves etc I’ve heard it all

GreyCloud81 Thu 02-May-19 18:31:03

@anotheronebitesthedust
To the outside world I'm calm, in reality I'm drowning, angry, hurt and upset and just want to scream at him. He had a OW lined up, so he went to hers. I understand he can easily replace clothes etc... but how he is going to replace all his and the DSC personal documents, memories, photographs, business accounts and paperwork, is beyond me. Hence why I am waiting for the NC to be broken at some stage, but the waiting is driving me insane. Along with the fact their belongings are still here, even though most are shut away, like you said they are still there. I've told him to come and collect, but I don't think he has got any of the messages. I can't send a letter, as I don't know where he is living. I can't even said an email, as I solely managed his email accounts!!

I'm early 30's too, and still lacking life experience to deal with these men, or spot them in the first place, so don't worry. Every always seems to have a different opinion on the matter, and leaves you analysing everything you said and did. I too dreading the weekend.. alone, should have been doing something with the Exp and the DSC.

@Lau247 Sorry you had to got through that on your own. Sometimes you do just need to rant and get it our your system. My MH and anxiety has took a plunge too.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 02-May-19 22:05:15

@Lau247 I'm glad you had friends around you to help you through, that must have been awful. Yes he does have kids with someone else, that caused problems to an extent because due to work commitments he could only see his kids at the weekend so he had them every weekend which meant no couple time. I felt I was fighting for his time too, I would have always wanted his kids to come first, but it was crap feeling us drift apart and knowing that there just wasnt the time and knowing that our relationship would have never been a priority. Bank holiday has the same effect for me really, I'm not sure if I'd have been seeing him, but it's more just having empty days knowing that if there is nothing planned it's harder to get through. How are you feeling tonight? Have you been keeping busy? I've been to see a friend which was nice, felt positive for a couple of hours and could actually see a light at the end of the tunnel and then I got in the car to drive home and just started crying ha.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Thu 02-May-19 22:21:06

@GreyCloud81 I can't even begin to imagine how you're coping with that. You're a much stronger person than I am. Breakups are hard enough as it is but knowing someone else is involved is awful. I sit imagining it and it could be true who knows, but ignorance is bliss. He sounds really quite sadistic to be honest, does he enjoy torturing you by leaving you in limbo not knowing when he will be in touch? Or is he just a coward and ashamed of how hes acted pulling the disappearing act? He doesnt sound as though he is someone who cares at all how he has made you feel. Do you get on well with his children?

Lau247 Fri 03-May-19 00:17:39

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah it was an awful time tbh thank god I had my friends or I don’t know how I would have got through it. That must have been hard as like you said you wouldn’t want to seem like you trying to come beflre his kids.. so that’s a tough one but they will make time it they wanted too

Yeah definatly know what you mean about bank hol luckily I have plans for most of the weekend as it’s the weekends I struggle the most really as during the week I’m working.

Tonight and today hasn’t been so good I guess cos I’m approaching 3 weeks now and not heard a word it’s starting to feel more real and then the anger sets in and you start thinking I can’t believe he has the cheek to not even see how I am after what he’s doing etc etc Lool

It’s good you saw your friend and kept busy but bless you for crying on the way home flowers you just have to try and remind yourself why your not together and imagine the time your wasting with this person when there is someone out there who will give you what u want .. easy for me to say can’t event take my own advice lol

GreyCloud81 Fri 03-May-19 01:35:59

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
Hope your feeling better now.
I too went to see a friend tonight, felt strong, then cried all the way home, now I can’t sleep!!
That’s how I feel at the minute, like he is torturing me, punishing me when I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s horrible, as I hate the fact the DC have no belongings, and that they’ve lost their home, friends, family, because of his selfish attitude and cheating. I think he is a coward, no words could justify what he has done. But surely this has to come to a blow soon? I’m going to try and deliver a solicitors letter tomorrow to him, in reference to the business, and hopefully break the NC! As when all this is done, I can then go NC properly.
Yes sad I was really close with the DSC, prob too close. They called me their step mum, this was their home, I’m even a governor of their school, and did all the collections and drop offs.

@Lau247 Hope your feeling better? And the anger stage passes, to the no f**ks given stage soon!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Fri 03-May-19 08:52:59

@Lau247 lol I never take my own advice, it's so easy to see clearly with other people's situations isnt it, but when it's your own emotions cloud it all. Oh the anger stage is good!!!! Its bitter sweet though isnt it. I woke up this morning feeling happy. It was very surreal. I drove to work feeling happy, actually looking forward to the weekend which is a complete 360. I felt more relief I guess, maybe its acceptance to a degree. And then I thought can I really have moved on emotionally after 12 days?! Can he ?! Then I got to work, heard a song on the radio and felt sad again. God damn you Tom Walker.And then began the trip down memory lane and then the fear and panic that he has someone else to occupy him. It's a rollercoaster isnt it? If he doesnt get in touch do you think you will ever contact him again after some space? My relationship had been on the decline for a while, we argued that much that we only really saw each other once a month if that. So there are no new memories really to miss which is sad because that in turn means nothing to draw us back together really. We still kept in contact pretty much every day and had some good runs of a few weeks so there is that to miss, but it terrifies me because I'm starting to realise it was probably the best thing to happen and I feel 'free' to an extent, but on the flip side I do love him. And I dont think that puts me in any better position really. What are your plans for the weekend are you doing anything nice?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Fri 03-May-19 08:59:33

@GreyCloud81 Do you think it will work out with the OW? I really hope he comes crawling back at some stage and you're strong enough by that point to tell him where to go. Disgusting behaviour. Tearing apart his children's lives too, how and why did he think it was worth it?! Will you maintain a relationship with the SDC? I hope you're feeling positive today, the solicitors letter will give you back some control and not let him think he can dictate how it plays out by going into hiding. Have you managed to make some plans for the weekend?

Lau247 Fri 03-May-19 09:16:34

@anotheronebitesthedust I don’t think many people do take their own advice lol but your right it’s so easy to give but not take it. I’ve had days like that where I wake up and feel happy don’t think of him as much and feel like I’m over it too then I have days like yesterday where I feel quite down about it.. it’s all part of the process in getting over someone but we are still at really early stages 12 days and 18 days compared to years with someone isn’t a lot of time really.

I have that fear and sometime random thoughts pop in my head of him with other women and wonder what he’s doing but I don’t think he’s anywhere near Ready for a serious Rship so it will be the same with whoever he’s with I think.

The mind frame I’m in now no I won’t contact him if he doesn’t me as it’s always been me breaking contact and I feel he is waiting for it. Will you ?

Exactly the same for me were saw each other very little towards the end due to the arguing I haven’t actually seen him for a month nearly now but we would still be in contact daily . It’s sad really but even if your in contact just to argue it feels better than no contact at all sometimes cos it feels like well at least he cares.

I feel the same as you kinda feel free and see it as a positive at least I’m not stuck in this and I can go and meet someone better but then on the other hand you think ahh well I know him inside out I’m comfortable around him and it’s shit that I’ve gotta start all that again.

I’m going out tomorrow night to an actual club lol haven’t been to one In a while mainly
Just bars and on Sunday I’m going for dinner with some friends. What about you ?

GreyCloud81 Fri 03-May-19 11:07:42

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
I don’t know if it will work out with the OW. I hope it doesn’t. After all the lies he told the pair of us, I’m shocked she took him back, but that’s her life and mistake. I would love for him to come crawling back, so I could give him the middle finger though.

Today I’m okay. Nervous about going to drop this letter off... it’s only a piece of paper though!! I’ve already taken 3 calls this morning for his business, constantly feel like I’m organizing his life! And having to repeat myself saying we are no longer together, and don’t have any contact. However as our jobs are connected, I know this isn’t going to be the end.

I want to maintain a relationship with the DSC, however under the circumstances I don’t see that happening sad

I agree The anger stage is good, I still think I’m in that stage, and shock. The upset is to come. Understand what you mean about Tom Walker, Lewis Capaldi, Ed Sherran, them songs just open up wounds. But your beginning to feel free, hopefully that will last, and you can build yourself up. Of course you will still hold some “love” feelings, he was part of your life, and that doesn’t just go away.

I’ve not really got any plans for the weekend yet.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Fri 03-May-19 12:16:25

@Lau247 I suppose a couple of weeks is nothing really is it when you put it like that. It seems a lot worse than it is though because of the complete radio silence. Quite a lot can change in a couple of weeks can't it so I wonder how his life has changed. I hope it's for the worse lol. Knowing my luck he has probably won the lottery and is on a yacht somewhere all over a playboy model. Brilliant. I'm not sure if I will contact him. Maybe at the month/6 week mark I might send something. But I might not have anything I want to say at that stage. If I did say anything it would be more of an acceptance really and a way for me to get final closure and completely draw a line. I feel the exact same about the arguing. Sometimes I would push and push knowing it would create more arguing but I would rather us be in contact arguing than nothing at all. Seems silly now I've gained some perspective but I guess that's all part and parcel of a toxic relationship. Oh I definitely cannot be bothered with starting over...going through all the 'firsts' again, learning to trust, being disappointed. I hate dating with a passion, much prefer to fast forward to about 6 months into a relationship in the comfortable happy stage. I'm jealous, clubbing will be fun! But no drunk texting!! Are you likely to bump into him when you are out?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Fri 03-May-19 12:24:33

@GreyCloud81 the calls sound tough, they are constant reminders when you are trying to push thoughts of him away! Has the letter now been dropped off? That's such a shame with the SDC. Hopefully when things settle you will be able to have some sort of contact with them, how old are they? The feeling ok stage has passed for me now, I have spent the last hour trying to find distractions (eventhough I'm at work which should be distraction enough!) and have even been googling puppies contemplating getting one as a new focus. Come Monday I will be like melissa McCarthy in bridesmaids owning all of the puppies ha. This is slightly morbid but sometimes I wish i could just fall unconscious for a couple of weeks to skip all this out. Wake up refreshed with some missed calls and messages saying what a mistake he has made and life would be all good again.

GreyCloud81 Fri 03-May-19 15:48:18

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
They are... its like I just want to move on with my life, and tried and get over the hurt. But every day there is a constant reminder of him. Just been to drop the letter off. He looked like he seen better days, black eyes, tired, general mess. At first he seemed willing / open to discuss matters, then he just got spiteful, rude and obnoxious. Great qualities!
The DSC are 4 and 6. How he was today, I don't see us having contact. He left is as I would hear from him later, and that i need to watch it. Very doubtful that he will contact.
Hope you've managed to distract yourself at work, I also googled puppys grin don't think I will get one though. You going to? Bridesmaids is a great film, if you need cheering up.
Agree with the whole starting again thing, the whole rifling through the single men again, fills me with dread. If you find a time machine to get us through the next 6 months, and then fast forward again in to 6 months of a relationship... it would be great.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Fri 03-May-19 20:38:36

@GreyCloud81 how did you feel seeing him? Nice that he didnt look his best, at least he isnt having the best time. The weird thing when not speaking to someone is you tend to romanticise things dont you? And then when you see them you almost feel a bit deflated that it wasnt like what you built it up to be. He said you need to watch it?! Wow. He really is awful isnt he. I'd love a puppy at some point and although it would be a great distraction right now it wouldn't be fair on the dog because I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I need some sort of focus though, just feel a bit lost. I got home from work, ate more chocolate than I care to admit and then decided enough was enough and I went for a run. If by some miracle I do see him again I dont want to look like I fell apart and comfort ate the whole time even thought that's all I feel like doing. A time machine would be an absolute life saver right now. I'll keep a look out lol .

GreyCloud81 Fri 03-May-19 22:14:56

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
I had felt sick and anxious all last night and today, up until the point I saw him. Worse bit is I looked at him, thought you look 'beat up' which I assume he has got himself in to a fight, or the OW kicked him into touch, but I knew when i looked at him that I still loved him, despite what he did. But I would never go back to him. As the person I loved, isn't the person he is and I need to understand that.
Yep he said I need to watch it, he is coming for me. Think its just scare tactics, but has left me slightly on edge. I would have said a few weeks ago that he isn't at all that type of person, but I would have also said that he isn't a cheat.
I feel lost too.. do you work the standard 9-5 (ish hours) and have the evenings and weekends to dwell too? Run would probably help clear your head, and see if more as re-building your life and self esteem for when you meet someone new, not for if your run into the ex. Do you live close to each other?

Lau247 Sat 04-May-19 09:41:21

@anotheronebitesthedust no a couple of weeks isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things and men have a tendency to even pop back up after 6 months / year even longer. A lot can change in a few weeks yeah and that does have me wondering but radio silence is for the best it’s the only way really and I do feel a lot more less anxious and more peaceful not having huge arguments every day. Lol at the playboy model.

If you get to 6 weeks not speaking and he hasn’t spoke to you then I wouldn’t even bother messaging him he may ignore it and you would have come so far and have to start over again.

I wound also push and push and once the arguments started I would be so angry
I wouldn’t know how to stop it was really a toxic Rship towards the end and I admit I said a lot of horrible things but it was mainly because I couldn’t forgive all the things he had done.

I know getting to know someone all over again can be exciting but also scary as well. I just can’t be bothered but then I feel I should be single for a bit but then I feel pressured because of my age I need to meet someone.

Should be fun but will be the first time I’ve gotten drunk since not speaking to him so my friends have given me strict Instructions to Delete his number lol but I really feel no urge or want to talk to him right now.

No chance I’ll see him we do live local about 15 mins from each other but we live in London and the place I’m going is in a different part plus he rarely goes out he works all the time and in the evenings he does very little apart from meet his friends and chill round there’s really.

Does your ex live local to you ?

Lau247 Sat 04-May-19 09:49:31

@anotheronebitesthedust also read what you’ve been saying about the puppy.. my advice don’t do it !! I got a puppy about a year ago and I could not handle it I ended up having to give it back to the breeder. It was a lotttt of work I was still with my ex then but he didn’t live here so I was very much doing it on my own and I’ve never had dogs growing up. I knew this when I got her but it is like having a baby it would cry even if I went into another room and I have a one bed flat so wasn’t like she couldn’t hear me. I always wanted a puppy and was never allowed one when I was young lol I’d love to have one but getting one alone was very very hard especially if you work 9-5.. I kinda make my decision on a whim to get one and I did lose money and mess the puppy around by giving it back and I didn’t think it though.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 06-May-19 14:05:45

@Lau247 @GreyCloud81 how are you both doing? How was your night out @Lau247 ?! No he doesnt live local, when we both moved out of the house we shared he moved about an hour away. I suppose that has its positives, not much chance of bumping into him.

I think I will hold off on the puppy for now!!! I've been trying to keep busy all weekend, but nothing has really helped that much. Hope you're both ok

lifegoes Mon 06-May-19 15:45:03

I'm struggling a bit this weekend, had NC for 4 months. I've been fine then this weekend I can't stop thinking about them. I don't know where it's come from or why. I'm trying to keep busy but I miss them. It feels quite overwhelming. Any advice?

GreyCloud81 Mon 06-May-19 16:06:12

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
Atleast you don’t live close by. We live 30minutes apart, prob why he could get away with a double life, but I work a lot in his area.
You had a good weekend? Despite nothing helping.
I’m the same, I’ve kept busy, seen friends, hardly been home. But today I’m just fed up, angry, upset. Why should I be living in this house, with all this stuff, whilst he is just getting on with stuff, and NC to even sort it out. I can’t just chuck the DSC things in the bin. I’m so frustrated by it all today, I’ve even messaged OW (I know that is prob done me no favours and isn’t her problem, but if she wants to play happy families, she can deal with the stuff).

@lifegoes
Sorry I don’t have any advice, other than keep going. I think there must be light at the end of the tunnel....

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 06-May-19 16:06:14

@lifegoes sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm only on day 14 so that is nothing in comparison to your 4 and a half months, I should be asking you for advice!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 06-May-19 16:10:11

@GreyCloud81 has the OW replied? Has he contacted you since the letter was dropped off? I had plans for today, and I had an early night last night feeling ok and woke up this morning and just couldn't be bothered. I've managed to put a load of washing on and that's about it! I'm glad you've managed to keep busy. Could you drop all his things at the OWs?! It shouldn't be up to you to do that but you need to be able to start processing everything and that's impossible for you how it currently is.

GreyCloud81 Mon 06-May-19 16:15:36

@anotheronebitesthedust
No reply. I don’t think she will even tell him I’ve messaged. I don’t think she trusts him (why would she) and is obviously leaving lines of communication open, so she can check up on him. But he is/was under the impression that she has blocked me.
Heard nothing from him since I dropped the letter off on Friday. Even though he said he would contact me to arrange collection, money owed and the business later that day.
I had a call today saying that he was still claiming that I was working for his “primary” business, which has infuriated me.
I’ve woke up the same today, it’s weird isn’t it? Had loads of plans, and I’ve just about pulled myself together to wash some clothes and cut the grass.

Getmyfrownupsidedown Mon 06-May-19 17:18:37

Hi ladies,

How are we all holding up?

Another one here... been lurking the past few days. Only Day 3 for me (this time) and I find I'm constantly looking to see if he is online, although I think he's removed me from social media. It's like I'm desperately holding on to that little thread of connection even though I know he is toxic for me and ending the relationship is the best thing he has done for me.

It was me who broke NC last time at about day 10. I'm hoping this time I stay the distance and reading about your journeys is motivation to stay strong.

flowers

Lau247 Mon 06-May-19 17:19:22

@anotheronebitesthedust my night out was was good thanks. I’m doing okay but still
Think of him near enough 24 7 it’s meant to get easier but if I’m honest I thought I maybe would have heard from him by now it’s been 3 weeks and I guess it just feels final now this wasn’t just one of our on and off tiffs I feel it is off for good which is for the best. The thoughts of is there someone else are quite strong atm.. I’ve deleted his number as I found myself just checking his WhatsApp several times a day sad I no lol. Him not living local is good like you said no chance or
Bumping in to him. Keeping busy is good but I guess we just have to ride this feeling out till it goes !

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 06-May-19 17:44:51

@Lau247 I'm glad you had a good night. Did it help take your mind off things? I'm starting to feel like its 'final' too. I was that used to the tiffs that I thought I would have heard something too. I've never gone through even one weekend not speaking so now that it's the second , one being a bank holiday, it feels very real. The WhatsApp urge is too strong isnt it. I'm blocked so I'm ok on my phone apart from my spare sim card Haha. I'm resisting the urge to put that in though again and have convinced myself again he is dead as that is the only reason I can possibly think of as to why he doesnt want to talk to me Haha. That or a date. I've even resorted to asking my friend to put his number in whastapp and check if he is online. There is no limit to how low I will go Haha. Do you really think there is someone else? What was your last conversation like with him?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 06-May-19 17:47:35

@Getmyfrownupsidedown welcome! It's tough going isnt it? How long were you together? What caused the break up? I think I'm slowly going insane, it helps having people to talk to going through similar though.

Lau247 Mon 06-May-19 18:33:51

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah that’s exactly
Like me I’m so used to this that I didn’t really believe it but the longer it goes on the more I am coming to terms with it. Yeah very strong I check several times a day and just look at him online Lool sad ! But it’s not good so for now he’s deleted. I have heard that ppl pretend their ex’s are dead to get over them Lool maybe the way forward. And mines never blocked me but don’t worry I’ve been there asking friends to check when I thought he had. I’ve also contacted him off my work phone during arguments when he hasn’t answered my calls. I do and I don’t I don’t really think another Rship but I think someone defiantly has his attention at the moment this is the longest time we’ve ever not spoke apart from after my abortion where I got to 3.5 weeks and then caved. The last conversation we were arguing over the same stuff and he responded with one of his long bshit essays which is normal behaviour for him half of which don’t make sense and he just promises aload of shit that he doesn’t even attempt to put into action so i actually ignored it and we haven’t spoken since that day. I do keep checking my letter box 🙈 if he reaches out it will probably be via letter or email as he’s done before he won’t msg me. What was your last convo like with your ex ?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 06-May-19 21:12:04

@Lau247 wow your last conversation with him would be a really strange one for it to end on, I would have thought he would have said more after that? Surely if he meant it he would want to put it into practise? The last conversation we had he told me he didnt love me enough to sort anything ha. Absolutely brutal. At the time I didnt think too much of it, he said awful things all the time in rows, but now sat here on day 15 I'm thinking hmmm maybe there was some truth in that Haha. I think women just torture themselves with social media dont they. I dont have Facebook or Instagram which is good because I would drive myself crazy. Whastapp I'm blocked so that's better in a way. Now this is how unhinged I am, when I used to have an iPhone and he blocked me I just used to set the iMessage to use a different email address of mine to send the message from and I would iMessage from that like ping ping! Me again! Hahaha. I have real issues. I shouldn't be writing this in a forum!!!

Lau247 Mon 06-May-19 23:59:43

@anotheronebitesthedust he usually would say more that’s why I am suspicious as to what is going on atm and why he’s just left it and I’m thinking is someone else involved. Exactly he doesn’t put any of it into practice he’s a very good talker but he shows little to no action and I just have nothing left to say I can’t change him and spent a very long time trying. Ahh that mustn’t have been very nice to hear I dunno how I’d handle that. But yeah I guess cos he’s done it before you probably thought it was just another argument. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does msg you soon though. I have Facebook but I don’t use it he has Facebook and we’re not friends but we’re connected on messenger for some reason and I noticed he has constantly been online I didn’t think ppl used Facebook chat anymore lol and have no idea who he would be talking to on there so I’ve now deleted the app. He doesn’t have Instagram and I’m very Happy he doesn’t tbh as I don’t want to stalk him lol. I think it is probably a good thing you are blocked as at Least you can’t see anything at all it’s better off that alway. Oh I didn’t know you could do that haha that’s given me ideas Lool. Well I feelna bit of a loser talking Ona. Forum whilst he’s probably out there not giving two shits!! Lol

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 07-May-19 08:31:51

@Lau247 I know I feel really sad talking about it on a forum too whilst he is probably running around loving life, but it helps to talk about things doesnt it. We can just pretend that there is a men's forum somewhere where they are hopefully spilling out all their feelings and crying about what idiots they have been. Highly unlikely but we can hope Haha. Yeah he was awful when we last spoke, I was reading the last messages again this morning and I sound so pathetic in them but looking back I dont understand how he could have just left things like that. I'm having a morning though where I feel ok and dont care so much. You've done well deleting apps. Is there any way you could find out if there was someone else or would you not want to know? I'd prefer not to know I think. The other day i hit a new level of crazy too.....walking around the streets and supermarket looking at people thinking 'he might like you' 'you might be talking to him' and then hating someone I didnt even know hahaha. Heartbreak does some crazy things to you.

Getmyfrownupsidedown Tue 07-May-19 13:20:24

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
Not even that long, around 18months. He didn't want to talk about his emotions and he ended it by saying he didn't see a future. He was very demanding about my time, monitoring my online activity and I was starting to push back.

I am trying to make sense of it all, his actions and words don't add up.

My current line of though is that we are upset about a life we are imagining for ourselves and not mourning them as a person if that makes sense? We've invested all this time and effort for what?

And then we think why were we not good enough? When what we should be saying is, they weren't good enough, we deserve better.

I sound all wise, as I sit here checking whether he is online and wondering what he is doing and hoping that he'll call me - while I fend off the feeling of dread that is gnarling away in the pit of my stomach!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 07-May-19 14:15:30

@Getmyfrownupsidedown he sounds as psychotic as me 😂 he will be hating the fact you've not been in touch, sounds like he could be quite controlling. That is exactly it, we are mourning someone we thought we loved but actually we love someone who doesnt exist.

Getmyfrownupsidedown Wed 08-May-19 00:15:05

It was EA. The more I talk about it, the more I see it. But doesn't stop the irrational emotions.

That's the nail on the head. They don't exist.

We need to put ourselves first smile

Lau247 Thu 09-May-19 09:08:11

@anotheronebitesthedust haha I’m sure there is a men’s forum out there somewhere however I highly doubt my ex is on there loool ohh I can never read back messages I delete all traces of messages when we break up it makes me feel better I don’t want to see anything. I’m sure you don’t sound pathetic but we have all been there but at least you’ve not contacted him again. Maybe delete the msg thread ? I know his best friend actually knew him before I knew my ex and have his number but he would of course never tell me anything and I wouldn’t want to know so I’m glad he isn’t the type to post things and use social media he doesn’t even have a WhatsApp picture he’s one of them ppl lol. He does however use snap chat and I’ve thought about making a fake account to spy but I won’t cos if I see anything I don’t like it will just hurt me 🙈 I have done similar things like that looking at other ppl etc but not with this break up. I can’t believe it will be a month next week we haven’t spoken he also knows I have been going through a lot lately not even just in regards to him and the fact he hasn’t reached out to even see if I am ok considering the way things were left just makes me not wanna talk to him even more. I feel like when I think about him I don’t even know him anymore. I honestly don’t think he will msg me again any time soon and I have no intentions of ever messaging him again

Getmyfrownupsidedown Fri 10-May-19 12:11:29

I wish I had your resolve. I can't bring myself to delete and I find myself reading back, then just get myself upset. Vicious cycle I can't control.

I know this means I'm technically not NC sad

After a positive and strong (ish) couple of days, I'm wavering and tearful today, but hanging on in there.

Getmyfrownupsidedown Mon 13-May-19 14:29:14

How is everyone getting on?

I'd a pretty positive weekend, but fighting the urge to contact ex today. Can't focus my mind.

Lau247 Mon 13-May-19 17:49:50

@getmyfrownupsidedown I’ve been fighting the urge to contact my ex too pretty badly in the last 3 days.. it’s been a month NC for me this week and reality that it’s over has defiantly kicked in

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 13-May-19 20:28:22

@Lau247 @Getmyfrownupsidedown sorry I've been a bit quiet the past few days, been really struggling too. I hit the 3 week and a day mark. It gets better in the sense you dont break down 24/7 do you but you just have a constant sad feeling. I've even applied for a second job so I can just work every day Haha. How are you both doing?

Lau247 Mon 13-May-19 20:35:04

@anotheronebitesthedust 3 weeks is really good and you should be proud of that! I am at the 4 week mark tmrow (not like we’re counting haha) since Saturday I’ve really wanted to contact him the only thing that is stopping me is 1. I know he will ignore it and 2. I’ve come to far to give up now. A second job is a good idea it’s good to keep busy

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 13-May-19 21:08:47

@Lau247 yeah I figured if I'm working then I'm more distracted Haha do you know for sure he wouldn't reply? You cant message now it will undo all your hardwork! Just think it will be like going back to square one. I know what you mean though it is really difficult. I just miss him and feel like I dont know him anymore.

Lau247 Mon 13-May-19 21:46:04

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah distraction is good! Don’t think I want another job though lol. I don’t know for sure but I think it’s likely he won’t last time I broke it I took me sending several msgs to get a response. But yeah that’s what I keep thinking if I do contact the last month has been for nothing. I feel exactly the same it’s only been a month which isn’t even that long but I totally feel like i don’t know him anymore like I wouldn’t even know what to say if I spoke to him again

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Mon 13-May-19 22:21:06

@Lau247 you had to send a few messages to get a reply? That's awful especially considering the circumstances last time too. A month isnt really long is it, but each week just creates more distance doesnt it and not nice. I was expecting to be thinking about him less at this stage and that's not really changing.

Lau247 Mon 13-May-19 23:04:21

@anotheronebitesthedust yep he would
Ignore me to the point I got angry and said things I wasn’t proud of and then use it against me cos he knew I’d snap in the end happens every time we go NC then I look like the bad angry person all very manipulative and I don’t want to go back to that place. It’s not long really no and surprisingly It’s gone so quick! But totally get you the longer it goes on your realise the on off cycle really Could be broken even though it’s for the best for us it’s still sad

Getmyfrownupsidedown Tue 14-May-19 00:29:59

It gets better in the sense you dont break down 24/7 do you but you just have a constant sad feeling.

But totally get you the longer it goes on your realise the on off cycle really Could be broken even though it’s for the best for us it’s still sad

This exactly.

I already have a second fun job and it's really helping to keep me distracted. I've booked a few holidays too to look forward to.

Weirdly, I'm also having bouts of anger towards him, which I guess is a good sign.

Let's not break ladies... we deserve better and we won't be sad forever!

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 18:06:25

@Lau247 I know that feeling I've said a lot I'm not proud of but it's annoying isnt it how he has hurt you so much yet you're missing him and want to message but he hasn't been in touch? I really do wonder whether they think the same. How are you feeling today? I think that it's gone quickly too, at the start I thought it would drag.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 18:11:58

@Getmyfrownupsidedown I definitely feel like I'll be sad forever. On my gravestone it will say 'here lies AnotherOneBitesTheDust. She was sad' Haha. The sun is shining, beautiful day and I've got in from work and am sat eating biscuits. Not even ordinary biscuits, 130kcal a go kind of biscuits. I'm hoping the second job will help. It will mean I have one or no days off a week ha but it's the weekends I hate so it will help through those. Booking holidays is a good idea! Are they actually holidays away or a holiday from work? Have you got anything nice planned? The anger is also good, when I was my angriest I wrote down things I hated about him to try and get me through when the anger subsided. It helped for a while until I got used to the list and just missed him again Haha. Jesus I'm depressing tonight.

Lau247 Tue 14-May-19 19:53:07

@anotheronebitesthedust I know exactly ! I feel like how dare you do all this to me and not even want to no if I’m doing okay or even care. It’s anger more than sadness for me I feel angry that he hasn’t reached out and the fact he hasn’t makes me want to msg him to find out why he hasn’t lol! He would say because he feels he’s not good enough for me his favourite line! I’m feeling okay I don’t feel sad I just don’t know when the feeling of hoping he will contact me is going to go away. How are you feeling ? Yeah tbh it has actually flown by after the first week went

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 20:13:17

@Lau247 you've just got to remember that he hasnt been in touch, but you haven't either, that's what I keep reminding myself. I read back the last messages again last night and I got a bit angry too to be honest that he could leave it how he did. Then I just got upset again. I'm wondering when that feeling will go too, will we just wake up one day and not even think about it?! Or when that feeling goes, will it be like starting all over again because the reality that that's really it will kick in?! I just want to have even half a day where I dont think about him once.

toddlermom Tue 14-May-19 20:22:40

I found that blocking him on everything ( email, text, what's app etc) made me feel much more in control and that I wasn't "waiting around for his call." Obvs he could still call me from
Another number but this made me feel better.
Good luck!!

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim Tue 14-May-19 20:26:14

I was totally broken hearted during a break up. He kind of ended it. I didnt know what to do with myself, all I wanted to do was get in contact with him or ANYTHING. I couldn't sleep, eat, think straight...But I did something that was really hard, almost impossible. He wanted out? I gave him what he wanted, I gave him my absence. I went NC, no presence online, nothing.
I practically disappeared.
Three weeks on he was desperately trying to contact me, get a response, anything.
He was going out of his mind.
I learned then that it's the most effective way of gaining someone's attention.
It's called the law of scarcity, and it damn well works lol
But know what was interesting to me? After he came crawling back I realised he could sod off, I had my strength back.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 20:36:41

@toddlermom thank you for the advice 😊

@ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim I've completely disappeared, haven't blocked on WhatsApp, but I didnt want to sink to his level, not changed my picture though (I sound about 12 haha) as that's contact in a way isnt it, i basically wanted it to be like i had died ha. He clearly doesnt care though as 3 weeks and 2 days later and theres still silence! I need this witchcraft that you speak of in my life !

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim Tue 14-May-19 20:42:06

No, don't block on anything, in a few days, change your whatsapp pic to one he hasn't seen before, but it's gotta be absolutely knockout, something you know he'd love, and importantly, you looking HAPPY!
Do you have him on fb or Twitter?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 20:49:54

@ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim I'll have to have a night doing my hair and make up and have a little photo shoot, just make sure Im not fake smiling too much or crying otherwise I'll look like a manic, slightly unhinged clown Haha. I dont have either, the usual advice is make sure you look like you're having fun and not bothered etc but I can't do that, I dont have any social media! Is that what you did in your no contact phase ? Not that I should care at all what he thinks anyway I'm a grown woman for God sake and hes not a nice person but the child in me wants him to be miserable ha

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim Tue 14-May-19 20:55:36

I know how you feel, you try not to show it but it's eating you up.
I know it probably sounds childish the way I played it, but it stopped me going insane, I had a lot of other stuff going on and I wasn't in a good place.
Whether it's 3 weeks or 6 months, the longer you go NC I find the more they wonder why the hell you're not chasing them, they can't stand not knowing what you're up to. They need to know you're pining & devastated (even if you are, don't you dare let them know lol)
Things do get better with time, you need to take care of yourself, I hope that you find peace of mind lovely smile

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 21:14:42

@ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim thank you 😊 I'll get there eventually, we all will I hope! Did you end up meeting someone new? I think everyone is like that to some extent, you just do what feels best in the moment to pull you through dont you. There are some days it has taken all my strength not to slowly drive past his house with sunglasses and a fake moustache on to see if there are any suspicious shadows or if he is out at a weekend Haha. I'll probably still be on here in a few years like 'today is day 736 no contact. I made my 8th fake Facebook profile today. I'm not blocked yet. He is getting married next week. I still feel like theres hope, he will message any day now guys!' 😂

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim Tue 14-May-19 21:21:51

:D haha creased! I was slightly obsessed but the fake moustache thing erm :D I got through it yeah, it took a long time, some days were excruciatingly bad, I wanted to cave in and message him, but it got better.
I met someone else, neither of us was looking for a relationship, I never thought I could feel like I do. He's a billion times the man I went NC with, the man who dropped me like I was nothing, he did me a favour.
The break up was the best thing that could have happened.

Lau247 Tue 14-May-19 21:29:19

@anotneronebitesthedust yeah I supppse I can think of it like that I haven’t been in touch either even tho I have had to stop myself A few times but it’s making me a bit crazy not knowing what he’s up too. I’m guilty of putting up a few WhatsApp statuses (me trying to have fun lool)
that he used to watch straight away.. he hasn’t watched a single one since we went NC and Ive noticed he is never online but I am defiantly not blocked .. god I sound sad Lol Maybe he’s doing no contact on me. to be honest every break up I’ve had one day I did just woke up and thought fuk it and I didn’t care anymore so I think it does happen like that. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had an ex who hasn’t come back but it has never been when I wanted him too always when they literally disgust me lol and I couldn’t think of anything worse

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 21:55:12

@ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim haha I've had all sorts of crazy go through my head! Aww that gives me hope, I love a happy ending. I'm glad you're now happy, I know that one day I'll get to that place, but I can't see it at the moment. What happened to the ex, did he keep trying?

@Lau247 your mind is your own worst enemy isnt it, imagining all different scenarios. Can you ever see you two speaking again? If I wasnt blocked I'd have been checking his whastapp status too. Once in my younger (even more unhinged days) I turned my phone screensaver off and then just opened WhatsApp, put my phone on my bedside table and went to sleep so it stayed as 'online' for quite a long time so I looked like I was having fun conversations at all hours. I woke up to messages saying 'who on earth are you speaking to at 2.47am' 'why aren't you answering me' I was like muahaha my master plan worked. In my defence I was only in my teens at the time cough early 20s at least cough. It's nice to know though that most women think the same and we all have our moments.

lifegoes Tue 14-May-19 21:59:34

I would try and stop doing things to get his attention as all its doing is keeping him alive in your head.

I know it's funny and feels good, but what good will it bring you. Instead, he still won't contact you and then it will feel worse.

Honestly, take the plunge delete his number or better still block him he's still obtaining head space for you right now.

He's probably deleted your number so can't even see what you are doing.
Tough love is all 😘

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 22:08:44

@lifegoes that is very true it does keep fuelling it really, you're right. Hes probably moved on to be honest. I've deleted pics etc the only reason I haven't blocked his number is because I have an android and the model I have you can't actually block calls and texts. When you block a number it still shows that the number tried to call in the call list, it just doesnt pop up on the screen and texts are sent to a separate 'blocked messages' folder so they can still be accessed which is quite annoying. So I would just keep checking that anyway. A number change might be the best idea at some stage!

Lau247 Tue 14-May-19 22:22:16

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah your mind really is a very powerful thing his life wasn’t exactly exciting before but now all of a sudden I think he must be doing these wonderful things. Hmmm I’m not too sure I guess the longer it goes on the less likely I’ll be to even feel comfortable messaging him again.. and I think he will be to coward to reach out so maybe we won’t. Haha more unhinged days .. I actually had no idea you could do that Lool I thought that your phone would lock automatically and you would then show as offline. My ex is kind of the opposite If he feels I’m talking or seeing someone else he is less likely to reach out he is very stubborn when he wants to be. But as @lifegoes on said we shouldn’t do things to try and get their attention because it then does let them know we are still there and they can see what we are doing..
No contact Truely means basically falling off the face or the earth for a while

AnotherOneBitesTheDust Tue 14-May-19 22:30:32

@Lau247 yeah my ex was the same, I knew his routines and he never did anything especially exciting, but you think maybe they have this new lease of life now and will go all out, especially with summer coming up and the days being as nice as they are now. My ex is the same. The old WhatsApp trick wouldn't have worked on him. Hes stubborn too, I think he probably thought I would have said something in the first week. I dont think he will have expected me to just leave it. The second week he probably thought 'hmmm this is a bit strange, she has usually been in touch by now', but waited it out and then last week the arrogance will have kicked in too 'shes definitely met someone, why else wouldn't she be trying to speak to me'. Hes the same, too stubborn to check, would see it as 'weak' and on top of that just doesnt care enough!

lifegoes Tue 14-May-19 22:34:15

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust I delete their number as I've been here and you can't help but check and it consumes you. If they call, they call. Even better as then you can ignore or take great comfort of them contacting you. Deleting just clears your mind

Mine has been months now, I still have bad days where I want to know what he's doing. But I'm glad I deleted his number so I can't check on WhatsApp. But it does getter better when you just try and remove everything to stop you from looking.

Lau247 Wed 15-May-19 08:10:28

@anotheronebitesthedust tbh all my ex really does is work But yeah it defiantly does make me wonder what he’s up to now it’s getting warmer. My ex is the same I usually msg him after a few days of an argument so I think he probably
Thought I would too I’ve never managed to go this long so I’m sure he’s surprised but then on the other hand I think is he relieved is he happy I haven’t. The sheer fact he’s probably expecting it is one of the main things stopping me from messaging him. Yeah defiantly agree my ex is prob thinking that too that I have met someone else as I said a few things in our last argument that weren’t true 🙈 regarding other guys. His friend has been watching all my stories don’t know If guys report back like women do lol I think really none of this matters as if a man did want to reach out nothing would stop him

mjvb123 Wed 15-May-19 13:51:27

I replied a little bit further up thread, but wondered what you fellow 'NC-ers' think of a little predicament I'm in...
I am 6 months no contact with my ex. He did give me a message through a mutual friend a couple of months ago. It seemed a cowardly attempt at apologising for how things had ended, and for causing me pain.
It was left with said mutual friend telling him the ball was in his court, and he apparently said he would be in contact.
Alas, he has not.
Friday is his birthday. And I am in two minds as to whether to reach out or not.
Would I be using the wrong occasion to do so? Will I be setting myself up for more pain?
It feels so sad to not acknowledge his birthday, but at the same time; he may not be receptive and I will feel like a fool for still caring.
Any thoughts?

lifegoes Wed 15-May-19 14:50:27

@mjvb123 I would leave it. He doesn't deserve a happy birthday message. Why does he?!

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