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Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

(329 Posts)
CyclingMumKingston Sun 28-Apr-19 15:38:51

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.


Ruru8thestars Wed 22-May-19 08:29:19

He won’t want 50/50

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 22-May-19 08:38:48


re your comment:-
"If i stay with him to at least i am able to limit the damage to DC".

No you won't. Staying with him is the worst thing you can do for both you and your kids. You cannot protect them from his behaviours within the home because you are all there with him. They are directly seeing all this and are learning from you both about relationships.

Do not be so afraid of change or the unknown.

And no he wont want 50/50 either; he may well state that merely to frighten you and keep you in line. It would also interfere too much with his cycling and wanting his own life. Abusive men often state or insinuate that they want 50/50.

Whisky2014 Wed 22-May-19 10:32:34

Ok he doesn't even want to parent them 10% of the time...even 5%? So really, ask yourself how likely it will be he takes them 50%?

He likes cycling too much!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Wed 22-May-19 11:15:59

The other thing about staying, following on from Attila's comments, is that it shows implicit approval, or at the very least acceptance, of his behaviour.

Whereas if you leave, yes, you will not be there for them when they are with him, but they will separate "how daddy does things" from "how mummy does things" in their minds. And they will know that you're not ok with what he does.

Regarding not being there for them when they're with him, keep in mind that his impatience with them is designed to get them running to you as quickly as possible. He may well behave differently if you're not there. Then again, he probably won't - and he'll not want them around him very much.

ptumbi Thu 23-May-19 08:02:02

Get legal advice. Today.

donajimena Thu 23-May-19 08:33:11

The old 50/50... my friends ex wanted 50/50 when they got to court the judge said so, you propose 50/50 residency ? Cue mr arsewipe stammering but but but, I have to work.. confused

ptumbi Thu 23-May-19 13:42:46

Of course they don't want 50/50. They only say it to hurt you. but as mentioned upthread, once you get over the hurt, and start hammering out the practicalities, they dont want to know. They don't want to parent, they want to hurt you. They don't want anything to do with the kids, just to get at you. Luckily, I think the courts are well versed in spotting these dicks.

And, yes, when he starts mentioning 50/50 you can start saying how great that would be - time to yourself, time to go out and meet new people, how great the 'bond' between dc and father will be....when he does his days of parenting/cooking/cleaning up/driving about/school runs/school evenings/nursing/night wakings ....

He'll be torn between trying to hurt you and trying to stop you going out and having any fun. It's quite funny to watch, really.

endofthelinefinally Thu 23-May-19 13:59:05

OP, if you read other threads on here you will see that you have had good advice.
These men who threaten 50/50 actually don't mean it at all. He will never give up his hobby and leisure time to parent his children. You will be on your own, but it will be easier in the long run.

EKGEMS Thu 23-May-19 14:02:30

Omg if I had a bastard like him in my life I'd be practicing my 999 call and drafting his "suicide" note

foreverhanging Thu 23-May-19 15:29:33

Op please I implore you to get some advice from a solicitor. You cannot change this man.

Bruisetooeasily Fri 24-May-19 14:09:58

Staying with a man who sulks, manipulates you with his moods and fake tears
ignores his dc
does not enjoy spending time with his dc
sulks and gets offended for days if asked to parent
Punishes you the dog and the dc with his moods
Refuses to listen or take on board any of your genuine feelings
Decides his own time is more precious than yours /or the marriage
Staying with him so that he can continue to model this behaviour day in and day out so that your dc can either copy him or have their self worth chipped away along side yours.
Staying with him will show your dc that they don't deserve any better of a father, that a man who is offending by parenting them is something they'll have to accept and live with.
This is not ok you deserve better and frankly so do those innocent dc.
The older they get the more they will see hear and remember especially the" your mothers a ....... "

Your DH is sorry alright he's sorry you And your dc are getting vin the way of his life!
As far as he's concerned your there to do the mundane shit of family life he can't be arsed with but you must do it quietly as the cycling is on soon!

Bruisetooeasily Fri 24-May-19 14:11:10


SignedUpJust4This Fri 24-May-19 14:14:18

I suppose if you were bottle feeding then this lovely man would be up all. Night doing night feeds would he? He's an utter arse hole OP.

DishingOutDone Fri 24-May-19 16:12:44

I take it you've had a look at this OP? My H was the same as yours when my DCs were little and I can identify a lot with the outcome of this thread, has certainly opened my eyes:

Hillfarmer Wed 29-May-19 11:12:12

I feel for you OP. Your H is being vicious at a time when a decent man would be stretching to take on as much domestic stuff as he can so you can care for your newborn.

Another current thread you might find interesting reading, have pasted below. Clear parallels here might help you know you’re not alone.

CyclingMumKingston Wed 29-May-19 13:07:05

Thank you for the threads recommendations. So interesting.
@jamaisjedors thread is a real eye opener
I was waiting to post to see if this new habit would stick. DH has been doing morning and evening routine with toddler. Basically dress him up and breakfast. Then dinner and bed routine. So far so good. One week. He has been particularly sweet as he has a business trip to Venice coming up smile no major accidents where he is growling at us either. I have been going for a swim during the week and feeling so happy. Hoping for these changes to last as I am aware of the cycle of abuse. Stay posted. Thanks for being here x

MrMagooo Wed 29-May-19 13:31:27

Your husband is a MASSIVE dick. You should probably set yourself a number of times you are going to allow him to treat you like something under his shoe. Luckily you haven't just caved in and accepted this behaviour completely.

Regardless of his childhood or your childhood you need to see that this behaviour is wrong and we no longer live in a death do us part society or staying together and making it work. Yes relationship need work but this man is HARD work who believes you are a second class citizen to him.

I wouldn't cook, wash or do anything for this selfish childlike creature.

user1494670108 Thu 13-Jun-19 14:41:58

How's it going cyclingmum? Is this new behaviour beginning to form a habit of what your more equal lives will be or is he slipping into old habits?

1forAll74 Thu 13-Jun-19 15:30:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhatALearningCurve Thu 13-Jun-19 15:51:25

@1forAll74 well you are boasting because if you weren't you wouldn't have described people who don't live like they as "snowflakes"

It's not being a snowflake to expect your partner to be just that. A partner. Being a man doesn't give some licence to not do their fair share with children and housework.

Just because you lived that 50 years ago doesn't make it correct. Likewise women 50 years before that accepted that their lives would be dictated by their fathers and then their husbands. Never by themselves.

Times move on, people wake up and learn that being male isn't a get out of real life card

Beebeequeue Thu 13-Jun-19 16:52:03

Cycling. Take no notice of 1forall being a downtrodden doormat is all she knows. Hope things are going well for you

CyclingMumKingston Fri 14-Jun-19 10:51:03

Hi thanks for asking!

Husband has been away for work in an exotic sunny location abroad, lucky him.

He has another opportunity next month to go to a networking trip in a beautiful location so he has been on his best behaviour as he would like to go.
I just said it s his decision whether it s appropriate for him to be away so often but he seems to take no notice.
I m really knackered after looking after our 2 DS all week and i d be really upset if he takes no notice and goes also on the second trip.
I m afraid he is so cheerful atm as he wants my blessing to go on this trip (but he would go even if i asked him not to go)

CyclingMumKingston Fri 14-Jun-19 10:55:23

Sorry not sure if previous post made much sense ;) very sleep deprived today

On another note my mum just casually mentioned that marriage is for life but she acknowledged that "the new generation splits up easily if there are problems".
I do not think marriage is for life (but this is a recent realisation for me)

Aussiebean Fri 14-Jun-19 11:04:52

Can you go off for a few days on your own when he comes back and before he leaves again?

Only fair.

Weenurse Fri 14-Jun-19 11:48:07

Maybe go with him as a family.
My DH worked away from home when ours were primary school age, think prep and grade 1.
I would take them for a few days to where DH was, and explore local area while he was at work.
Then dinner together and bed for DC.

We would then watch a movie together.

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