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Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

(188 Posts)
CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:49:56

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE smile

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff Fri 26-Apr-19 13:55:57

When I was married to exh we had the first dgc. Gps only semi interested tbh. Sil had a dc a year later and hell were we all dumped. The Lord had re-arrisen it seemed!
Bitter pill tbh but less people I had to please regarding the dc!
Have a last moan to dh then agree just never mention them again. Let dh keep in touch if he wants but Yanbu to back off imo.

CaptainJaneway12 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:56:49

Goodness I can understand you feeling hurt. Once she is moved I would stay low contact with her. It's sad for your son but she obviously isn't bothered about having an ongoing relationship with him.
Does new baby have any immune issues or was she premature? Just trying to think why she is so worried about germs.
My child at 3 was very heavy handed and jumped around, could she be worried your son might accidentally hurt the baby?
You should have let your son meet his new cousin, why on earth did you let her have him and not take him anyway?

If you want any real answers you will need to get DH to speak to her, but honestly, she has made her position clear so I would just walk away.

AfterLaughter Fri 26-Apr-19 13:59:15

OP shock She is an absolute thunder cunt! What an awful thing to do to a 3 year old boy sad angry

Sunshine1235 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:59:23

I got to the end but don’t know if I have any advice. I can totally understand why you’re so upset this is completely out of order and weird towards your son. The only thing I can say is at least this has happened while your son is relatively young and can’t fully realise what’s happened. If I were you I probably would just go NC as far as possible in order to protect him because even if she shows renewed interest in him who knows how long it’ll last. How is your relationship with your SIL? can you go ahead and forge a relationship with her and the baby separate from your MIL.

What is your husbands take on all this? Is he thinking of saying something?

ourkidmolly Fri 26-Apr-19 14:00:09

That's truly terrible especially for your dh. He must be really feeling his parents' rejection. What appalling behaviour. I think you just have to distance yourself as much as you can. The 👍🏼 is really awful.

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:00:27

New baby is fit & well & Mum had a normal delivery so no issues there at all. What she had originally said is there are 3 Mondays in Jan I can't do & gave us the dates. We were absolutely fine with that.

She then proceeded to keep letting us down at the last minute giving us no time to find alternative childcare. Sadly my Mum is not local & doesn't drive so she couldn't help either.

I'm just horrified at how our DS has just become obsolete overnight. Is so upsetting

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:02:13

Mu husband is complete denial about this & won't hear a bad word said about her. He just makes excuses.

But on a serious note, I think his Mum has mental health issues as she is just being so weird. Xmas for example, she told us not to contact or attempt to visit the daughter as she needs to relax. Subsequently, it was the first Xmas we didn't see her.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Fri 26-Apr-19 14:02:42

I agree with PP that best for this to happen now while your son is young enough nitvto realise and be upset

I would be very very wary about building any kind of relationship between your DS and his GPs in the future, keep them at arms length

Do you/DH have any kind of relationship with SIL? I'm guessing not as the children would have met

It's utterly bizarre tbh, so hurtful that she would treat her grandson like this

Some people are just plain bloody odd!

DBML Fri 26-Apr-19 14:02:50

I understand how you feel, I’ve dealt with similar, but what can you do? You can force your MIL to behave differently, so I suggest you do your own thing as a family with DH and DS, leave her to get on with it and in the future you’ll never have to feel obligated to return any favours - if you know what I mean.
I’m sorry it’s like this for you. It is hurtful and especially when she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with your son, but it really is her loss and one day she will realise.
Just to add, I have no problem with family members not wanting to commit to regular babysitting duties...they’ve done their time and fair enough, it’s the letting you down and separating the grandchildren I’m referring to.
Good luck op.

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:04:07

Thanks for replying everyone it is really appreciated that you have taken time to do so!

I'm just at a total loss & in shock. Didn't even sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about it all. I am so so upset, like I said, I have genuinely treated them as I would my own parents.

IamPickleRick Fri 26-Apr-19 14:04:32

My PIL are similar. Have their other GC everyday, our DC never see them on their own only with SILs kids there, go on holidays with them, take them on days out and give them treats, if something is on the tv that SILs DD doesn’t want to you watch but my kids are enjoying, it’ll get switched over to her preference, mine get told off for things they are allowed to do etc

We never ask anything of them ever and if we did, they wouldn’t say no but they’d check if it fit in with SILs plans first. Christmas Day this year we sat there for ages watching the other kids open their presents while ours had just one thing each (there were more but there was no hurry to hand them out, they were at the bottom of the pile and SILs kids ones were being handed out as a priority)

I engage less and less.

NoUsernamesILike Fri 26-Apr-19 14:05:34

I would just go NC OP (with all of them, but that's my opinion) , does SIL ever mention the fact that her mother never takes her DN as she had been before her DD being born

whitesoxx Fri 26-Apr-19 14:07:48

Can't you just arrange for him to see his cousin without involving mil? I don't understand why you left him with her and went to see the baby without him.

I realise you moved to be nearer to her but maybe she wasn't expecting that and her long term plan had always been to move closer to her daughter. She is just avoiding you as she doesn't know how to say that?

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:08:41

Relationship with SIL is ok. She hasn't made much effort to be part of DS's life despite pretending to act all excited when I got pregnant. She hasn't once offered to take him out, babysit him or go out with us. She's seen him 3 times in last 2 years. But when we see her it's fine.

I think you're right in engaging less & less. I think I'm going to let OH deal with MIL from now on. I'm too proud to chase them to have a relationship with him.

What is so hurtful is the fact they were involved & then just vanished. It's so so sad for my little boy & my heart breaks for him.

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:11:22

whitesoxx - MIL insisted she have my son & wouldn't take no for an answer. But youre absoutely right, next time we see her, I will insist my DS goes with us & will say can you just leave your 2 children to sort it out please , there's no need for you to be involved in this.

Is almost like she has become obsessed with this baby. Is just utterly weird. Have spoken to a few mates & they are all in agreement its disgraceful behaviour....

MIA12 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:13:35

My god, it’s no wonder you are hurt and upset. I can’t help wondering if, as you say, this is a manifestation of a mental health problem with irrational fears of germs and contamination. That doesn’t make it any less confusing for your little boy though. The secretly moving away is such a horrible way to behave too.

whitesoxx Fri 26-Apr-19 14:15:20

She doesn't need to know you are going. Can't your husband speak to his sister about it?

All sounds very strange. Doesn't help if he's in denial though

Sunshine1235 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:17:30

Also if she ever does offer to have him again I would refuse, whatever this weird behaviour is it would surprise me if it manifests in other ways as the children get older with comparisons etc and you don’t want him to be exposed to that

WeepingWillowWeepingWino Fri 26-Apr-19 14:22:11

With regard to your DS that sounds horrible and upsetting.

But - the bottom line is you moved nearer your ILs only when you had your DS - because you wanted the support? Help with childcare? Not because you actually wanted to live near them.

And now she is moving to support her DD and probably provide childcare. It's not actually any different.

She's messed you around for sure. But, hand on heart, are you annoyed because your free childcare has disappeared? I don't blame you but I think it's important to be honest with yourself.

diddl Fri 26-Apr-19 14:23:00

Will her daughter be wanting full time childcare?

Why did you move to be nearer your ILs?

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:23:54

Oh I actually sent a message to MIL to say I hope you will continue to see DS as it feels as though he has been completely dumped now the other babt has arrived. I hope that's not your intention but thats how it feels.

Her response was "We love our gorgeous DS & he brightens up our lives it's just silly Nanny hang ups". WTH does that even mean?? Why isnt she hung up on getting ill from the baby she is seeing every other day.

When she went NC with us she put the house on the market. She kept avoiding us popping over & obviously we then knew why....as we'd have seen a bloody for sale sign in the front garden?

Do you not think it would be courteous to tell the people it affects the most before you list it at the very least? The whole thing stinks. See I'm getting mad again now!!

Incidentally SIL's OH's parents have decided to move to be closer to the baby too. I think my MIL is now proper panicked that the other Nanny will see the baby girl more than her & she has major FOMO.

All the while, we've just been kicked to the kerb.

Chilledout11 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:24:38

She is showing her true colours. I would be really deeply hurt but I would just play it cool and keep a massive distance. I don't understand why she favours one grandchild over another. My mother shows favouritism to the first grandchild (happens to be mine) but she really tries to cover it up. This is plain awful and horrendous to your little boy and you.

justasking111 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:24:48

I just do not get it that if the grandchild is born of a daughter rather than a daughter in law, it is more important. My granny had three sons, one daughter, twelve grandchildren. We were all equally loved.

Your in laws are barking, the stamp duty will cost them a bundle, plus, estate agents fees, solicitors fees, moving fees, loss of friends and an established social all to be near a child who will be at school in a few years....

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:26:34

WeepingWillowWeepingWino - Absolutely not bothered about free childcare in slightest. We can afford FT. They offered to do Mondays & said they very much wanted to. We never asked.

We now get 30 hrs free anyhow so it's really not an issue. We moved closer to them so we could see them more simple as. Nowt to do with childcare.Our first house was not in as nice area & we had to wait until salaries etc improved before we could make the last move to be near them.

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