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He prefers my body in underwear?

(77 Posts)
JayJay60 Wed 24-Apr-19 22:14:54

This is a bit of an AIBU but definitely inappropriate to post there. Boyfriend of 6 months has said he prefers my body in underwear, saying it makes my boobs/butt look better. I found this quite hurtful honestly. He says I am being far too sensitive and we all have opinions and of course that is true but he again confirms "yes, I think your body looks better like that than naked" ?? I just, I don't know. Isn't this quite offensive? Am I being over sensitive?

Arealhumanbeing Wed 24-Apr-19 22:35:13

He’s nasty. Get rid of him.

Badwifey Wed 24-Apr-19 22:37:10

I think you're being a bit over sensitive. I prefer to look at my husband in his boxers rather than it all hanging out!

NorthEndGal Wed 24-Apr-19 22:37:32

Did he just randomly say it, or did you ask which he preferred?
Either way, I can see how it could hurt

Knitclubchatter Wed 24-Apr-19 22:38:25

i thought everyone looked better with a little something on, than just naked? isn't that what lingerie are for? surely people don't wear those mega strange bras and matching undies all day at work?
i don't see anything wrong with the comment.

SandyY2K Wed 24-Apr-19 22:38:44

Does he mean in underwear as opposed to being naked? Or in underwear rather than in normal clothes?

If it's the former, then it's quite insensitive and hurtful, although I prefer my own body in underwear as opposed to no clothes.

Paddingtonthebear Wed 24-Apr-19 22:39:45

If he’s saying this after 6 months imagine how critical he will be about your body in 5-10 years time. Time to move on and find someone better

fluorescentorange Wed 24-Apr-19 22:39:59

TBF, I think a nice bum looks better in underwear.
You are being a little over sensitive.

AnotherEmma Wed 24-Apr-19 22:40:31

Dump and move on
(Sounds a bit like negging but either way it's not on)

LexMitior Wed 24-Apr-19 22:41:14

Well it might be nasty but of course some people really do like underwear because the body seems more erotic that way.

If he’s enthusiastic in his wanting to have sex with you, no issue. If the sex is bad or there are other comments about your body and sex, yes, he may be being nasty to you.

Paddingtonthebear Wed 24-Apr-19 22:41:25

I think the time line here is important. 6 months into a relationship. It doesn’t look good

ArtichokeAardvark Wed 24-Apr-19 22:43:08

Lingerie is designed to enhance what you've already got. It's like make up, everyone looks better with it on. I think you're overthinking this a bit.

To be fair, I'll admit that my huge boobs look a million times better in a well structured bra than swinging free, so I can see where your chap is coming from!

AnotherEmma Wed 24-Apr-19 22:46:47

Oh come on, surely it's sexier to be completely naked, it's not just the visual aspect, it's the sensual aspect of it too.

You might THINK someone looks sexier in underwear but you wouldn't say it would you? You'd just tell them they look sexy both with and without.

Why hurt someone's feelings and dent their confidence by saying they look better with underwear than naked?


TowelNumber42 Wed 24-Apr-19 22:47:22

My DH is like that too. I happen to share his opinion so it is OK. I like him in a suit: phoarr.

However, if I said I found his opinion hurtful, he wouldn't call me too sensitive. He would reassure me he likes my body, say it's him not me who has the "thing" going on with lingerie, he would be falling over himself to make me feel happy. Which would be both nice and smart (he likes having sex and having me feel shit about my body would not result in lots of good sex).

So this makes me think is your boyfriend not nice, not smart, or do you "give" sex even when you don't feel happy about it?

jackstini Wed 24-Apr-19 22:49:57

I think most bodies look better in underwear tbh including my own

Also nice underwear seems to indicate more of an effort that nothing?

Doesn't sound like he said it to hurt you on purpose

LexMitior Wed 24-Apr-19 22:50:35

I can well imagine if you are asked this question then a man may I prefer underwear. Yes, crass and stupid so if said spontaneously then likely nasty.

If the OP asked the question and gave him a choice, then he obviously has foot in mouth syndrome.

SleepWarrior Wed 24-Apr-19 22:50:38

Really needs some context to say either way - I can imagine conversations where it is definitely offensive and ones where it isn't.

It sounds like its upset you though, which suggests the former without more info.

PurpleDaisies Wed 24-Apr-19 22:51:58

Oh come on, surely it's sexier to be completely naked, it's not just the visual aspect, it's the sensual aspect of it too.

I don’t agree with this. I prefer nice underwear.

Not that I would say this.

Chocmallows Wed 24-Apr-19 22:52:49

When we're in the mood, my partner makes me feel good in lingerie and naked, isn't it more about a connection and being tactile rather than a review of what you're wearing?

w0man Wed 24-Apr-19 22:53:33

It's one of those things where context matters and in a newish relationship I can see how it be hurtful.

Is he's saying in a way that means he'd rather you keep your underwear on for sex or sleeping because he doesnt want to see you naked then he's a twat.

This early in when you accidentally hurt someone you apologise and not call them "sensitive"

Chocolate35 Wed 24-Apr-19 22:54:41

I’d be upset but I would never ask. Did you ask or did he just come out with it? I agree that women look better in underwear, my husband I prefer naked. I think it’s a mean comment to make after 6 months together.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Wed 24-Apr-19 23:05:09

Well my boobs are definitely more boob shaped and in the correct boob place on my body when they are in a bra! So....

I think context is key here.

If I asked Dp a specific question he would answer honestly and I'd want him to but he wouldn't insult me and neither would he randomly decide to comment.

deydododatdodontdeydo Wed 24-Apr-19 23:06:19

Eh? I thought that was the whole point of nice underwear.
Unless there is some backstory or he said it in a nasty way I don't see how it's hurtful or needs the dump and move on comments.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Wed 24-Apr-19 23:07:09

I suppose though to add to my last post I know he adores me and shows me in multiple little ways that that is true so I would know the feeling behind any comments he made on my body etc

Ohyesiam Wed 24-Apr-19 23:07:57

The problem here is that when you said you didn’t like that comment, he told you you were too sensitive, which shows he can’t empathise, or take your needs seriously.
To me that is how you see someone in a casual relationship, because surely in a deeper relationship we are looking to be present and connect rather than appraise and give grades.
But some people are happy( or prepared to put up with) a more transactional approach to intimate relationship.
You know which is right for you op.

MitziK Wed 24-Apr-19 23:30:40

There are two possibilities here.

1. He's an arsehole and criticising your body.

2. He thinks that underwear/clothing is like wrapping a beautiful present, rather than dumping it on the table and saying 'here you go, love', and finds it enhances his appreciation with the appearance, texture and hints of what is waiting underneath. But is crap at saying it/is too embarrassed to say that nice underwear pushes every one of his buttons in case it sounds a bit pervy.

I am of the second opinion but not embarrassed in the slightest, DP doesn't see the need for it and his main aim is to get it all off me as quickly as humanly possible (whilst allowing for sensitivity). Which can be a bit meh, as I know any effort I go to will not make the slightest bit of difference. He is, however, a fan of how I do my makeup and hair on nights out and has the ability to occasionally say the right thing, so it's not 'Yeah, you look great. Can you get your tits out now?'

Only you can find out/know what he actually means.

Orangeballon Wed 24-Apr-19 23:31:25

I would agree with him, I prefer my body in underwear, I am not fat just normal size but my boobs are a bit on the big side.

Nnnnnineteen Thu 25-Apr-19 00:03:57

There are very few people whose bodies look better with nothing on. I would much prefer to see a body in lovely underwear than naked. I don't think he's nasty or abusive, he just clearly isn't tuned into what you needed him to say.

HappyLife21 Thu 25-Apr-19 00:04:43

The issue isn’t that he said or thinks this, but how he handled your response.

FuriousVexation Thu 25-Apr-19 00:12:18

I agree with Paul Hardcastle up there, I fancy guys more when they are smartly dressed, or in flattering underwear, than totally naked.

My FWB once took me to a swinger club. It was 95% men and they were all naked just wearing a towel around their waist. Oh dear god. Maybe I'm really shallow but I was like YOU'RE SO UNSEXY WITHOUT CLOTHES

I personally like to wear a deep suspender belt which covers my "mum tum" and turns on guys who aged 40-60 who grew up thinking stocking and suspenders were the bomb ;)

RiversDisguise Thu 25-Apr-19 05:33:56

I think it's unusual for men. I actually love lingerie but men generally seem to prefer them off.

Airbiscuits Thu 25-Apr-19 06:11:04

Some men definitely have a massive thing for lingerie.
Sadly not my husband, but previous boyfriends have. So I have a lot of wasted beautiful underwear.

Maybe it was his clumsy way of trying to get you to dress up for him?

EmeraldRubyShark Thu 25-Apr-19 06:45:07

I get it and he’s not alone thinking that way! But his response to upsetting you bothers me. If my OH said that and I took it the wrong way he’d say sorry and try make me feel better and reassure me how much he fancies me, not tell me I’m over sensitive.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 25-Apr-19 06:51:27

I much prefer dp in certain clothes or some really nice boxers.

My dp is one of those who like nice lingerie too. Which suits me as I love buying nive underwear.

This really depends on what the converstation was.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 25-Apr-19 06:53:50

I personally like to wear a deep suspender belt which covers my "mum tum" and turns on guys who aged 40-60 who grew up thinking stocking and suspenders were the bomb ;)

That's dp!!! And he is just 40. grin

NameChangeNugget Thu 25-Apr-19 06:58:01

I feel so much sexier in hold ups and beautiful lingerie. DH seems to like it too.

I agree with your partner OP.

However, as to whether this was a bad thing to say depends on the context.

ShinyShoe Thu 25-Apr-19 07:05:51

Did you ask him what he preferred? Or did he start up the conversation?

Rubberduckies Thu 25-Apr-19 07:15:47

I think it depends how it came up. I wouldn't automatically assume he's an arse. My husband feels similar but explained how he finds it sexier when some of me is covered because he can take it off...! I wouldn't say I prefer him naked with it all hanging out.....but doesn't mean I don't like his naked body or I'm hypocritical of him!

wertuio Thu 25-Apr-19 07:16:07

The reaction to OP’s response is insensitive, but it is honest.

Of course most women look better in underwear than naked. A well fitted bra is something that is loved by most of the women i’ve ever known (biblically and socially).
I’ve always understood that fancy knickers are worn as much to make the wearer feel good as they are to turn on a partner.
But unless it’s a rather ermmm specialist set it’s difficult to pay effective attention to the areas which need attention.
My boxers stay on for as long as I can get away with because I think I look better all neatly packaged together.

Not my most coherent writing but I think you should get the gist of it.

NewMum19344567 Thu 25-Apr-19 07:18:52

I 100 percent prefer my body in underwear after breastfeeding forever I have 2 empty sacks and bras make them look pert again! If my husband said anything without prompting I'd be sad but if it came in conversation you can't be upset he gave a honest response?

seven201 Thu 25-Apr-19 07:22:40

I much prefer my body in underwear. I also prefer my husband's body in boxer shorts. He was just being honest and it came out a bit wrong! Was he just trying to say he likes seeing you in sexy undies?

ChristmasFluff Thu 25-Apr-19 08:16:26

Lots of people prefer to see others in underwear, but it is usually because of the erotic mystery and intrigue of not being able to see everything, not because they don't like their partner's body.

Even if a person had the thought that their partner looks better in undies, there is no need to voice that thought when another, just as valid, reason exists. Because for most people, their partner's body is part of them, and inseparable from the whole - so you love a partner's body even though it objectively may be less aesthetically pleasing than other people's. For example, I came to genuinely love chest hair despite having been averse up til that partner.

He's taken an opportunity to put you down. It won't be the only time he does that. Bin.

Lottie35 Thu 25-Apr-19 08:43:09

He's an immature, entitled twat. Ffs you're not here to serve him or make sure he likes the way you look.
He should love how you look in joggers, naked, ill, stressed, happy, upset....he sounds awful and selfish.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Apr-19 08:52:47

I much prefer my own body in underwear.
I would not take offence at someone telling me the same thing.
But you are offended and your feelings are totally justified.
So what now for you?

supadupapupascupa Thu 25-Apr-19 09:50:04

My dh would say the he prefers me in underwear too. And I would agree with him. But he loves me naked, by which point he's not worried about what I look like anyway. So it's not a problem. If your partner still fancies you between the sheets I'd say chalk it up to being insensitive. But it's not a real breaker

Ariela Thu 25-Apr-19 10:09:04

Isn't the whole point that with underwear is more titillating?

Hanab Thu 25-Apr-19 10:13:05

Maybe nice underwear or you specifically in underwear turns him on🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people have preferences .. or fetishes ..

User10fuckingmillion Thu 25-Apr-19 10:13:29

I look better naked wink probably because I can’t afford nice underwear

PlinkPlink Thu 25-Apr-19 10:33:55

My ex would co-erce me quite alot.

He went through a phase of regularly asking me to dress up despite me making it clear I didn't want sex in any form.

I gave in many times... it set a precedent for our relationship.

In the end, I was repulsed by him (for many other reasons too) and left.

My OH would compliment me in lingerie, it's a fun thing to do every now and again. But he'd never say "you look better in that". He's not a prick.

To be dismissive of your feelings too? Nope... not acceptable.

LordWheresMyShoes Thu 25-Apr-19 10:36:25

Everybody looks sexier in nice underwear than naked IMO.

The way he phrased it and reacted to your hurt was a bit douche, though.

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff Thu 25-Apr-19 10:36:39

Just tell him you would prefer him with a bigger dick....

PinkHeart5914 Thu 25-Apr-19 10:37:52

Surely that’s the point of nice underwear to look fucking hot!

Naked is good but I can completely understand why decent underwear does it for many people

dontgobaconmyheart Thu 25-Apr-19 12:21:42

The whole purpose of the majority of underwear is that it lifts and shapes tbh, a bra especially quite obviously lifts breasts up most of the time and creates a cleavage. It's a tough one OP as I agree I'd feel like you do, but I am quite insecure about personal comments on my appearance and tend to conflate them into other things.
Logically, what he's saying is reasonable- maybe he's been abrupt and isn't being helpful in the aftermath but it doesn't mean he's wrong to have been honest. I'm sure we all have certain things we like our partner in or looking like at the end of the day, it doesn't mean he is saying he doesn't find you attractive when nude, just by saying he likes how underwear looks. I think I find underwear quite a bit sexier than a nude body anyway really in some ways.

I like my DP in a suit rather than in his lobby house clothes; it doesn't mean an awful lot. I think the notion that if you 'really' love someone you would think they were unbearably attractive in all states of undress regardless is totally unrealistic, especially as we are all ageing and changing often. I think if it's a one of comment and the relationship is otherwise good(?) I'd just forget it and focus on the fact it's a compliment about the underwear not an insult to your nude body. It is your body in the underwear after all, that he likes.

Erythronium Thu 25-Apr-19 13:00:29

Tell him he has a tiny cock. If he complains remind him that it's just an opinion.

What a weird thing for him to say. Does he have form for saying hurtful things to you?

Branleuse Thu 25-Apr-19 13:08:05

I think this is pretty normal tbh. Some people love nakedness, others prefer a bit of lingerie. I dont think this is particularly "out there"

Unless of course hes repulsed by you naked, which is completely differnt to prefering a bit of lingerie

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 25-Apr-19 13:14:53

Tell him he has a tiny cock. If he complains remind him that it's just an opinion.

Definitely do this. Dont have an adult converstation about the fact that you feel hurt or why he feels that way. Does nice underwear do it for him etc? It doesnt really do it for you etc.

Then when he responds with 'actually my dick is above average, its not my fault you have a baggy fanny' as a way to throw an insult back at you, try not to be offended. After all, if you follow the above advice, all you are doing is trading insults and purposely trying to hurt eachother. Not very healthy, though.

Usedusername Thu 25-Apr-19 13:18:09

It might be worth pointing out to him that not all thoughts need to be expressed! There's nothing wrong with what he said IMHO but the fact it hurt you shows he should maybe think twice before saying something like that again...

Branleuse Thu 25-Apr-19 13:19:07

If most people generally found people to look better naked than in sexy underwear, then they wouldnt make all the fancy frilly stuff would they. What would be the point

Erythronium Thu 25-Apr-19 13:29:04

all you are doing is trading insults

Yes, that was my point, he insulted her. Don't be so literal.

zusie Thu 25-Apr-19 13:37:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RuffleCrow Thu 25-Apr-19 13:42:53

ditch him. Let him go and eye up the lingerie mannequins in m&s instead of treating you like one if that's what he's into grin

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 25-Apr-19 14:02:50

Yes, that was my point, he insulted her. Don't be so literal.

Actually, we don't know it it was. OP didnt come back to explain if there was any context. If he has purposely insulted her, she should dump him.

Getting into a childish game of 'who can insult eachother more' really isnt going to help OP is it?

This converstation has upset her. How do you think she will feel after they have flung a few more insults

Oldrockman Thu 25-Apr-19 14:32:46

Do people not have the common to give a non answer, say sometimes naked sometimes in underwear, then if they ask what underwear, give another broad answer. Say its down to how you feel or sometimes you like to see them take it off and so on. Don't give an answer that could upset the other person. Never negate how something makes them feel either, soon as people start doing it to you I feel its time to consider moving on.

Shodan Thu 25-Apr-19 14:48:13

It's not a question I'd have thought to ask tbh (although I've texted DP to ask now grin) but I think a lot depends on how it was phrased.

If it was exactly as you've said, that he 'prefers' you in underwear and that it makes your boobs and butt look better, I'd be hurt too, and probably less inclined to be uninhibited in bed.

If it was said in a complimentary way e.g that it does great things for your boobs/butt and that he loves the 'wrapping' then maybe that'd be ok.

Having said all that, I do prefer my body in underwear, although hold ups/g strings/anything that will sink into the fleshy bits won't do for me. DP I prefer naked cos he's beautifully made grin

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 25-Apr-19 14:51:47

The issue isn't his preference, that's not important.

The issue is that he felt the need to express his preference and then call you sensitive for having feelings. That's what makes him an arsehole.

I might say, "DH you look hot in those boxers" but I wouldn't say, "I prefer your body in boxers" and then kick off if he was hurt. That's just shitty and I suspect negging.

Usedusername Thu 25-Apr-19 14:54:40

Are you still there, OP? What do you think?

JayJay60 Thu 25-Apr-19 15:08:07

Sorry i have been so busy with work.

It originally came up that he doesn't like bums/anal anything of the sort, which is completely fine but he said he liked a butt in underwear, again all fine and I was like so you like the underwear to make a butt look better? Not being sarcastic, was trying to figure out his preferences and he says well I prefer it when you're in underwear, I think it makes your body look better... I hadn't actually asked him at this point. I was like what? So my boobs too (as he doesn't like butts, it didn't bother me about that but he always complimented my boobs) and he says, yes, I prefer them in a bra. I prefer your body in underwear than without but this point I was actually really hurt. It was those exact words of "I prefer your body in underwear than without". So I was like oh cool and was quite upset and that's when he said I was being ridiculous and it's a matter of preference just like we each have a position preference, but I have to disagree with that, I don't think it's the same at all.

Thank you for all the replies, I really appreciate it

deydododatdodontdeydo Thu 25-Apr-19 15:15:50

The issue is that he felt the need to express his preference and then call you sensitive for having feelings. That's what makes him an arsehole.

The issue is he was foolish enough to answer her questioning honestly and then be surprised at her over reaction.
Doesn't seem like he's an arsehole.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 25-Apr-19 15:37:06

But OP, you did ask him.

He told you he doesnt like asses without underwear. It's a general issue.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 25-Apr-19 15:38:40

Sorry got distracted.

It a general thing for him, when it comes to bums. Sounds like a general thing with boobs.

I think dicks are ugly. Men in boxers are far more attractive to me.

He probably should havent answered honestly. But then you would have probaly known he was being diplomatic and then bothered by it anyway.

SleepWarrior Thu 25-Apr-19 16:12:01

It's the 'your' that's the problem here then.

He didn't say "I think nice underwear is more sexy than nakedness", he said "I prefer YOUR body in underwear than without". Then when you expressed upset he didn't clarify that he thinks that for everyone and he didn't mean to single you out, instead he called you sensitive. So a double insult.

Don't be with someone who blames you when they are insensitive and upset you, it'll be a long road of things like this. If you'd been married fifteen years and he was otherwise wonderful then I'd say talk it out, but 6 months - nah. Not the one.

wotsittoyou Thu 25-Apr-19 16:18:57

I'm so suprised that people are saying that underwear clad is sexier than naked. I hate underwear, it always looks uncomfortable and try hard.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Apr-19 17:41:15

If you want to stick some nipple tassels on to spice things up in the bedroom, good for you. If your body confidence is low and you like to wear underwear to feel sexier and more attractive, fair enough. But please don't claim that most people think everyone looks better in underwear. No they don't. A lot of people appreciate the natural beauty of the human body.

During sex it's fun to take underwear off and touch and admire the body underneath. If you tell your sexual partner that their body looks better with underwear on, you risk spoiling their confidence and your shared pleasure in those moments.

Cherylshaw Thu 25-Apr-19 17:44:57

I think men and women look sexier in underwear! I'd say you were being sensitive imo.

user1486131602 Thu 25-Apr-19 20:38:25

What do think he'd feel like if you said: I prefer your body in ....another room!
Blokes lack a sensitivity chip and women have 2!
Just explain that you can see his point of view, but because it's hurtful to you, he should respect your feelings and not put things that way again x

Branleuse Thu 25-Apr-19 22:13:46

from your update, i think he sounds like he might have some hangups.

RiversDisguise Fri 26-Apr-19 06:48:40

A man who doesn't like bums? Lol wtf? Is he trying to prove he isn't gay or something? I have never met a man who didn't like a nice bum. He is definitely odd.

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