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Haven't spoken to husband in 5months

(16 Posts)
applecrunch92 Wed 24-Apr-19 01:06:30

It all started with a small argument with my husband which then became violent with him throwing stuff around the house and slapping me, eventually I called the police on him (Didn't make a case against him). It was just to get him to stop being aggressive.

So it's been 5 months and we still haven't spoken, why would he feel like the victim? I don't understand how he can't see that he's in the wrong. A WHOLE FIVE MONTHS is outrageous!!!! And I've been looking after our 2 month old who has just turned 7months
All by myself.

Help me understand where I went wrong?

prawnsword Wed 24-Apr-19 01:35:19

you’re wrong because

- you’re expecting an abusive person to think like a normal person & see the error of his ways
- you don’t yet realise that he feels like he was entitled to verbally & physically abuse you due to his deep feelings of misogyny towards women
- you can’t see him not speaking is just using new tactics! The Silent Treatment is a form of emotional abuse & you scared him with the police so he will lay low for now & try new abuse strategies to keep you in your place, so you will keep treading on eggshells around him
- you only used the police to get him to lay off, thus allowing him to escape consequences for his actions
- you’re expecting your version of events to be the same as his, when he would tell this story very differently & make himself out to be the victim

BitOfFun Wed 24-Apr-19 01:37:49

What is your housing situation? Could you speak to a Domestic Abuse officer at the police station you dealt with and get advice on getting him to leave?

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 24-Apr-19 01:41:04

Why are you still with this person.

I don’t think you can come back from not speaking for 5 months.

How long will it take before you or he brings this to a head and goes or changes the locks when the other person is out.

applecrunch92 Wed 24-Apr-19 01:56:16

I still in the house which is in my name, he left to live at a friends, I'm just wondering how a person would ignore their wife for 5 months like I was in the wrong I know he resents me for calling the police on him but I had no choice I was scared and he wouldn't stop and I didn't press any charges so his work wouldn't be affected.

Halo84 Wed 24-Apr-19 01:58:28

Do you want him back?

applecrunch92 Wed 24-Apr-19 02:00:32

Absolutely not!!!!

RosemaryHoight Wed 24-Apr-19 02:05:28

Your husband sounds like a tosspot who has let his child go. You haven't done anything wrong. He is horrid.

SleepWarrior Wed 24-Apr-19 02:09:13

He's capable of not speaking to you for the same reason he was violent - he's just not a very nice person and he refuses to take any responsibility or try to put things right (sorry flowers).

To be honest though, I think I'd be glad of a man like that leaving me well alone.

prawnsword Wed 24-Apr-19 02:09:19

Sorry I misunderstood, the way it’s written sounds like he is still in the same house.

You have answered your own question - he resents you calling the police & not copping his abuse. Abusers always feel like the victim. Their ability to do mental gymnastics is really incredible. That’s why you’re astounded how he can possibly feel like the victim when obviously you are. In his mind, you will have provoked him into losing his temper. He didn’t lose control, he used violence in an attempt to cause fear so he could control you.

Abusers are scared of legal repercussions, so he is trying to regain control by giving you the silent treatment & refusing to engage with you.

I say leave him to it - you’re never going to get the apology & insight from him that you deserve.

Humpy84 Wed 24-Apr-19 02:15:46

He might feel like a failure as a Dad and a Husband and have all kinds of feelings post baby or anxieties. He might not trust himself to be around the baby or you. Perhaps this is the best decision until he gets his head right and can increase contact. Reach out for support with other mums, groups, family because you need it with s baby so young.

DistanceCall Wed 24-Apr-19 02:16:11

He's not going to see that he's in the wrong because he's abusive, and abusive people always believe it's someone else's fault (so they are justified in treating others like shit).

Don't waste your time and energy expecting repentance or regret from him. Rather, spend them on getting a divorce.

applecrunch92 Wed 24-Apr-19 02:22:45

Thank you prawns world for your kind words.
You're absolutely right, he does feel like the victim although I would never ever get back with him it would be nice to get an apology for treating he that way.
Maybe I am a little bit naive in thinking that everyone is like me.
He is horrid I just need to move on now x

applecrunch92 Wed 24-Apr-19 02:24:46

I've just been blaming itself for the past few months as I've tried to be the best wife I could be whilst dealing with a newborn and everything that comes with it, I tried to be the prefect wife, why could he not appreciate what he had at home.
It definitely goes to show that you can do everything right and still get treated like you're nothing.

FifisLovelyApron Wed 24-Apr-19 02:49:03

It might be worth getting some legal advice now and making some initial preparations towards divorce, get all relevant papers in order and copied, keep the copies separate from originals. Also get some advice on child maintenance if he is not contributing towards his child's expenses. And if he causes any trouble in the future don't hesitate to press charges.

prawnsword Wed 24-Apr-19 02:55:41

You’ve done nothing wrong & are not to blame here! But it sounds like deep down you do know that & know you’re worth more than staying with someone who wrecks the house & lays their hands on you.

I highly suggest you read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? There are free PDF versions of the book online. It really helped me understand how abusers think, operate & justify their behaviour. Can’t recommend this book highly enough!

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