Talk

Advanced search

MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

(361 Posts)
NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:37:34

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

Bignosenobum Sat 27-Apr-19 20:24:17

What a total and utter nasty piece of work. What is she like with your children? or others in the family.

DGRossetti Sat 27-Apr-19 17:07:54

jinglet

Not a therapist, I'm afraid. Just a victim.

Because we are generally not programmed to seek out the worst in anyone - let alone in what is "family", there is a tendency (illustrated on this very thread, if proof were needed) to try and find a more reasonable explanation for such behaviour. Of course this just lets the perpetrator not only off the hook, but can give them a licence to intensify their behaviour.

My MiLs batshit behaviour has stalked me across name changes on MN. Here's one example ...

Obviously because we trusted her, she had a key to the house for safekeeping. Only she'd let herself in, then put odd weird things in DS room. Of course we'd notice they were missing (TV remote was one), he'd say he hadn't touched it, and it would turn up in his room. Cue more punishment for lying and stealing^. Of course we got to our wits end, and turned to MiL for advice and help ... which would have consisted of her telling DS how horrid his Dad (me) was, and how his Mum (DW) should really leave me.

Now you know know I was warning upthread about contact with kids sad.

There are plenty of other examples of unbelievable behaviours that are worse.

Eventually we had a complete breakdown in our relationship with DS that's only just starting to be repaired (although it will never be "normal") - over 6 years on.

We went NC after the assault on me. The one crumb of comfort being she had misjudged it badly because I did report it to the police. Which resulted in her (and her dickwad DP) being told to stay well clear.

jinglet Sat 27-Apr-19 13:58:12

@DGRossetti- I'm so grateful for you to add your comment. I've read it over and over again and it is EXACTLY why I've been ostracised by my ILs. I've spent years wondering what I may have unintentionally said/done/implied for them to have taken issue with but I haven't done anything. They're majorly damaged and have their own issues and I'm going to stop making them my own. Someone once said to me before getting married that the first argument you have as a couple is the argument you'll revisit throughout your marriage- mine related to my ILs having tantrums and that continues to be the theme of our major disagreements. Sad. Some parents have a lot to answer for.

jinglet Fri 26-Apr-19 23:33:43

Omg @DGRossetti- your post has made me FINALLY realise why my ILs are so vile towards me.

* I think there's a risk inherent in relationships with children of narcissistic parents that the dynamic of bringing a stranger "into the family" suddenly raises the risk that the lifetime of lies NPs have built up for their kids could be blown apart in a moment. That makes the incoming partner a threat to be eliminated by whatever means possible.*

Thanks so much. Are you a therapist?

UncomfortableSecret Tue 23-Apr-19 12:20:00

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and so does your DH. flowers It is a very hard path to tread for him but it does sound as if he's coming around to the realisation that it's something he needs to do.

I thought my own PIL were batshit (and indeed they are) but ...

Aussiebean Tue 23-Apr-19 11:14:54

Talking to the brother maybe beneficial because the brother maybe able to answer some questions for him and give him some honest feedback.

I also would t be surprised if his parents encourages them to have a bad relationship. My mother certainly tried.

ralfeesmum Tue 23-Apr-19 10:59:17

"Forgotten"? Hell, she wasn't catering for The Feeding of The Five Thousand!

She's having a (mean and cruel) laugh. But, just remember, what goes around comes around......

Belenus Tue 23-Apr-19 06:53:16

I'll suggest it but I really doubt DH would feel like he could talk to someone who is effectively a stranger.

It might make it easier. Sometimes when there's less of a sense of connection there's less worry about being judged. And there's not much to lose if they're not close anyway, but he could gain someone who understands better than anyone else.

Sandytoesfrecklednose Mon 22-Apr-19 21:37:33

Please don’t go there again. You deserve more and so do your children. Trying to maintain a relationship only works if both sides put in the effort. Your ILs are showing you no respect at all, they don’t deserve yours

Sakura7 Mon 22-Apr-19 20:51:27

^ parents, not patents

Sakura7 Mon 22-Apr-19 20:50:30

The brother may have had to keep a distance to retain his own sanity but it doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy to hear from your DH. I have a sister who is significantly older than me and left home when I was a small child, but since I became an adult we've been very close and we are the only people who understand the reality of dealing with our parents.

I really think your DH should suggest meeting up with his brother, and if he's honest about his feelings towards his patents he may find they have a lot in common! It sounds like the SIL will be very sympathetic as well, as she has been on the receiving end of the abuse.

NannaNoodleman Mon 22-Apr-19 20:35:13

Exactly! The emotional load and anxiety of having a NICU baby is unbearable enough without that sort of behaviour.

NannaNoodleman Mon 22-Apr-19 20:31:55

It is worth a try. He hasn't got anything to lose.

timeisnotaline Mon 22-Apr-19 20:07:00

You might be surprised. If you are willing to open the conversation they might jump in and let it all out. If they won’t do that then yes it might all fizzle. Worth a try?

EKGEMS Mon 22-Apr-19 20:02:33

I had a preemie baby in NICU for six weeks and I would've gone ape shit if my PILs had pulled this stunt on us! The majority of issues stemmed from my MIL and my relationship but it's all rainbows and unicorns compared to your experience! Best of luck!

NannaNoodleman Mon 22-Apr-19 19:45:13

I'm not sure DH would talk to his brother about it. There's a large age gap so they've never had much of a relationship. They've seen each other about 3 times in 20 years (the brother rarely visits).

He also lives far away so he's not someone we'd just pop over and visit. They don't speak on the phone or even message (just birthdays and Christmas).

I'll suggest it but I really doubt DH would feel like he could talk to someone who is effectively a stranger.

Binting Mon 22-Apr-19 18:31:54

@Nanna, I too support the NC option, having done so myself (with emotionally abusive foster parents).

I do wonder whether it is worth your DH getting in contact with the brother who is estranged from the family? It might benefit both of them, and benefit you and SIL? There may be a backstory as to why this idea wouldn’t work but it may be helpful. Your MiL might have stirred things between the brothers behind their backs, it could be an opportunity for both of them to support each other in dealing with their toxic parents.

DGRossetti Mon 22-Apr-19 17:59:28

I used to work with someone like that. The most manipulative and aggressive person I have ever encountered but the aggression was carefully targeted. Every time you slapped her down and put her back in her box she'd find another way to come at you but it was so subtle that if you told anyone you looked like you were the crazy paranoid person. The only person who really got what she was like was a friend of mine who was married to an abusive, manipulative man.

The beginning of the end was my realisation that I was seeing one thing, while DW was seeing another. If I had said anything, I was the one with the problem. Don't ask me why, but I secretly recorded MiL during a "little chat" we had where she said an awful lot (of course I was not to mention it to DW as MiL was worried how her MS would cope ...).

Of course her recollection of that chat to DW was a work of fiction. But I had the proof.

Like many here, the first thought was dementia of some kind, but subsequent events proved otherwise.

Rather tellingly, my DF told me within minutes of the first time he met her that she was never to be trusted - but when you're young who listens to their parents ?

Belenus Mon 22-Apr-19 17:43:25

I'd hope so, but my MiL was far more subtle than that

I used to work with someone like that. The most manipulative and aggressive person I have ever encountered but the aggression was carefully targeted. Every time you slapped her down and put her back in her box she'd find another way to come at you but it was so subtle that if you told anyone you looked like you were the crazy paranoid person. The only person who really got what she was like was a friend of mine who was married to an abusive, manipulative man.

I left that job. You can't deal with people like that. It's not good for you.

ohfourfoxache Mon 22-Apr-19 17:27:02

He’s going to need you now more than ever.

But I completely agree with you that they no longer have an invite to yours and you and the dc never set foot in theirs again.

DGRossetti Mon 22-Apr-19 17:21:08

I see what you’re saying but it can be done. @Nanna’s DH will have to be extremely strong and 100% loyal to Nanna if and when he sees his parents and shut down instantly any trash talk about her.

I'd hope so, but my MiL was far more subtle than that ... sad.

IHateUncleJamie Mon 22-Apr-19 17:16:18

Personally, I can't see how only one person can go NC in a situation like this.

I see what you’re saying but it can be done. @Nanna’s DH will have to be extremely strong and 100% loyal to Nanna if and when he sees his parents and shut down instantly any trash talk about her. That’s one of the boundaries he’ll have to set: “I’m not here to talk about Nanna, I’m here to see you and if you want to continue seeing me at all, I am not discussing my wife.” They will try EVERYTHING to get inside his head and divide the two of you, @NannaNoodleman so I’d suggest very low contact for now.

He also REALLY needs to start having counselling and reading about toxic parents and the Narcissistic Family dynamic in the meantime.

Attitude84 Mon 22-Apr-19 17:14:24

You were too nice.

To hell with that!!! I’d have picked up my kids and husband and gone out for dinner, leaving monster in laws at home!!!! That’s just plain rude and spiteful!!! And also very immature!!!!

MachineBee Mon 22-Apr-19 15:28:52

That sounds like a good solution OP. Keep to neutral ground. Don’t make a song and dance about not visiting at each other’s homes. Just make the arrangements for DH to meet up with them halfway between your DPs and his.

NannaNoodleman Mon 22-Apr-19 15:04:04

We live a long way away. It's a 3 hour drive to my parents' house and then a further hour & half to ILs house.

DH has said he won't go up to their house again. They are no longer welcome in my house.

Their only option is to meet up for a day out somewhere between my parents' house and DH's parents' house whenever we're up that way visiting.

Other than that, it's just phone calls and messages.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »