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MIL forgot to cook my dinner!(361 Posts)
DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.
There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.
Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.
DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).
Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.
What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?
The brother may have had to keep a distance to retain his own sanity but it doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy to hear from your DH. I have a sister who is significantly older than me and left home when I was a small child, but since I became an adult we've been very close and we are the only people who understand the reality of dealing with our parents.
I really think your DH should suggest meeting up with his brother, and if he's honest about his feelings towards his patents he may find they have a lot in common! It sounds like the SIL will be very sympathetic as well, as she has been on the receiving end of the abuse.
Please don’t go there again. You deserve more and so do your children. Trying to maintain a relationship only works if both sides put in the effort. Your ILs are showing you no respect at all, they don’t deserve yours
I'll suggest it but I really doubt DH would feel like he could talk to someone who is effectively a stranger.
It might make it easier. Sometimes when there's less of a sense of connection there's less worry about being judged. And there's not much to lose if they're not close anyway, but he could gain someone who understands better than anyone else.
"Forgotten"? Hell, she wasn't catering for The Feeding of The Five Thousand!
She's having a (mean and cruel) laugh. But, just remember, what goes around comes around......
Talking to the brother maybe beneficial because the brother maybe able to answer some questions for him and give him some honest feedback.
I also would t be surprised if his parents encourages them to have a bad relationship. My mother certainly tried.
OP, you sound absolutely lovely and so does your DH. It is a very hard path to tread for him but it does sound as if he's coming around to the realisation that it's something he needs to do.
I thought my own PIL were batshit (and indeed they are) but ...
Omg @DGRossetti- your post has made me FINALLY realise why my ILs are so vile towards me.
* I think there's a risk inherent in relationships with children of narcissistic parents that the dynamic of bringing a stranger "into the family" suddenly raises the risk that the lifetime of lies NPs have built up for their kids could be blown apart in a moment. That makes the incoming partner a threat to be eliminated by whatever means possible.*
Thanks so much. Are you a therapist?
@DGRossetti- I'm so grateful for you to add your comment. I've read it over and over again and it is EXACTLY why I've been ostracised by my ILs. I've spent years wondering what I may have unintentionally said/done/implied for them to have taken issue with but I haven't done anything. They're majorly damaged and have their own issues and I'm going to stop making them my own. Someone once said to me before getting married that the first argument you have as a couple is the argument you'll revisit throughout your marriage- mine related to my ILs having tantrums and that continues to be the theme of our major disagreements. Sad. Some parents have a lot to answer for.
Not a therapist, I'm afraid. Just a victim.
Because we are generally not programmed to seek out the worst in anyone - let alone in what is "family", there is a tendency (illustrated on this very thread, if proof were needed) to try and find a more reasonable explanation for such behaviour. Of course this just lets the perpetrator not only off the hook, but can give them a licence to intensify their behaviour.
My MiLs batshit behaviour has stalked me across name changes on MN. Here's one example ...
Obviously because we trusted her, she had a key to the house for safekeeping. Only she'd let herself in, then put odd weird things in DS room. Of course we'd notice they were missing (TV remote was one), he'd say he hadn't touched it, and it would turn up in his room. Cue more punishment for lying and stealing^. Of course we got to our wits end, and turned to MiL for advice and help ... which would have consisted of her telling DS how horrid his Dad (me) was, and how his Mum (DW) should really leave me.
Now you know know I was warning upthread about contact with kids .
There are plenty of other examples of unbelievable behaviours that are worse.
Eventually we had a complete breakdown in our relationship with DS that's only just starting to be repaired (although it will never be "normal") - over 6 years on.
We went NC after the assault on me. The one crumb of comfort being she had misjudged it badly because I did report it to the police. Which resulted in her (and her dickwad DP) being told to stay well clear.
What a total and utter nasty piece of work. What is she like with your children? or others in the family.
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