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MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

(361 Posts)
NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:37:34

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

bigchris Sat 20-Apr-19 21:38:50

She sounds an absolute bitch

I'd assume your dh gave you his dinner ?

JohnLapsleyParlabane Sat 20-Apr-19 21:40:07

I'd say that's out and out aggressive, nothing passive about it.

WifOfBif Sat 20-Apr-19 21:40:54

What did your DH do?

Prequelle Sat 20-Apr-19 21:41:42

My DP would have escorted me and the kids out and took us for a takeaway.

This is absolutely appalling. If she had truly forgot she would have been mortified and offered you her own or something

desparate4sleep Sat 20-Apr-19 21:42:02

what did you say? if she had genuinely forgotten she would have offered you hers or made smaller portions from everyone elses.

Sakura7 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:42:06

What a weapon.

You mention a back story so I'm presuming it's not the first time she has behaved badly?

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Sat 20-Apr-19 21:42:10

Are you a size that she would consider overweight?

ILiveInSalemsLot Sat 20-Apr-19 21:42:28

She didn’t forget.
And what does a slice of pizza later mean? Why couldn’t you eat with everyone else?
She’s horrible.

Samoture Sat 20-Apr-19 21:42:52

That's just peculiar. Even if she'd miscounted (which is possible if you were helping the children) surely she would have been mortified and got another serving for you as soon as your DH said anything - her response does make it seem like it was planned. confused

Farmerswifey12 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:42:55

She sounds awful. And even if it was (which it wasn't) a genuine mistake, as host you would be mortified, apologise profusely, and give them your dinner. What did your husband do?

PurpleDaisies Sat 20-Apr-19 21:43:03

What happened next?

Witchofzog Sat 20-Apr-19 21:44:10

She left you out on purpose. I would be horrified if I did this and would be doing my best to find a solution - not saying you can have an extra slice of pizza later. She is behaving horribly.

My mil used to do the same thing and DP would share his with me. But I felt like I was taking scraps and it caused arguments because he could not see his mum was in the wrong. What did your husband say?

Bluntness100 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:44:22

Eh? What? So what happened next? Did they all sit and eat and you watched? Or did someone share?

Sakura7 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:44:30

Are you a size that she would consider overweight?

What the actual fuck? confused

It is not normal to feed all your guests a dinner bar one person, regardless of size. There's no excuse here.

boomboom1234 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:44:37

I don't understand - she didn't dish up for you and didn't even then go and get you some food when it was noticed?!

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:44:47

DH offered me his and I declined.

I was quite shocked and dealing with the children so just carried on (classic British attitude).

It's bizarre even for her.

PurpleDaisies Sat 20-Apr-19 21:45:52

So you sat watching everyone else eating, while your husband effectively did nothing and your mil said nothing?

InsertFunnyUsername Sat 20-Apr-19 21:46:27

Yeah she is being a bitch!

If for whatever strange reason i was hosting and forgot someones dinner, they would never even know. I would either dish up myself a smaller portion and swipe some of the others to make a plate, or give them mine and fake not hungry, unless of course i reaaaaaaally didnt like the person grin

Justmuddlingalong Sat 20-Apr-19 21:46:42

Well there's your excuse for never going to hers over mealtimes ever again.

boomboom1234 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:46:50

I'm sorry OP that must have felt really really horrible for you. What a mean unpleasant lady.

Ribbonsonabox Sat 20-Apr-19 21:49:21

How can you forget someones dinner?!? If it's one extra person then you just divide the portions up more so everyone has a bit less... why didnt she try and do that? To me that really looks like shes being a bitch on purpose...

gamerchick Sat 20-Apr-19 21:49:31

Well I wouldnt be going back over there.

Your husband should have got up, halfed his onto another plate and had an extra bit of pizza for tea though.

acomingin Sat 20-Apr-19 21:49:59

Leave now and never return. Your DH should have suggested this. He does not have your back.

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:50:15

They don't eat at the table. So I was at the table with the children. Everyone else was in the living room. DH came into me and the children and then noticed.

DH offered and I said no. I then busied myself with the children.

It's tricky. It's not something I actually processed straight away, if that makes sense.

It's so awkward anyway that I focus on the children when I'm there and don't pay much attention to them.

s0ckswithsandals Sat 20-Apr-19 21:51:03

You said and did nothing? Your husband said and did nothing? hmmI would of called her a hag walked out and got McDonald's on the way home. Maybe forget to give your DH a dinner next time you cook and see what he says then.

Prequelle Sat 20-Apr-19 21:51:35

So what did he say to her then?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Sat 20-Apr-19 21:52:09

Seriously annoyed on your behalf! What rude behaviour

I hope that your DH has had some serious words with his mother or is planning to!

Prequelle Sat 20-Apr-19 21:52:23

You need to think about the way your kids are seeing you being treated. As they grow older they're going to see the blatant disrespect and their dad not doing anything about it.

ticketsonsalenow Sat 20-Apr-19 21:53:21

What sort of a meal was it that there was absolutely nothing she could have served up for you?

Were there no seconds waiting in the kitchen or leftovers or anything?

If I ever accidentally made a faux pas like that I'd be mortified. She clearly wasn't.

LongTermHold Sat 20-Apr-19 21:53:22

This is too weird. What did DH say to MIL?

Sorry, but that is dreadful. But OTOH if it was genuinely a mistake - which it may be! - there wasn’t much she could do once it was done.

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:53:46

DH didn't do anything wrong. It's a complicated situation for us all.

We go to their house 1-2 times per year because of their behaviour. Things are difficult for him too.

I was hoping for a rationale explanation and a good excuse. We've worked so hard on our relationship with them I don't want this to be "a thing".

MissClareRemembers Sat 20-Apr-19 21:54:42

A decent host would offered theirs IF it was a genuine mistake.

HauntedPencil Sat 20-Apr-19 21:55:19

Woah that's weird isn't it.

I can imagine why you and DH carried on though, I've been in situations where after you think why on earth didn't I just walk out.

If it was genuine I mean just possibly you'd plate everything and as you were sat with the kids it might have happened you'd be surely apologising profusely and trying to sort it out, get more etc.

God knows, some people are just very very strange. I would feel very unwelcome

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:55:25

It was pasta so she could have divided some up for me. She breezed over it and made it seem perfectly acceptable.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Sat 20-Apr-19 21:55:49

Sakura it's the sort of dickish thing Mumsnetters have reported their MILs doing at various times over the years; I didn't say it justified the action, just that it sadly wouldn't be the first time I'd heard of it!

I agree with the poster above me re respect and kids picking up on the lack of it.

Troels Sat 20-Apr-19 21:56:09

There is no rational explanation or good excuse, it's time to stop bothering going there all together and your Dh needs to contact his Mum and set her straight, nasty cow she is.

Cornishqween Sat 20-Apr-19 21:56:44

I'd have expected dh to grab the kids and walk us out of there and tell mil why.

It's an absolutely disgraceful way to treat someone in her home. She'd be lucky if she didn't end up wearing some of her dinner grin

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:56:59

We did have a chat on the drive back about how that looks to our children (and other things- she never offers me a drink when doing the rounds and barely talks to me). The children are getting older and will be noticing.

SnapesGreasyHair Sat 20-Apr-19 21:57:35

But it is "a thing" a bloody BIG thing

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:58:30

They "disowned DH" before and it broke his heart. It was awful. They're expert manipulators.

I don't want them near my children. I don't want them near my husband.

boomboom1234 Sat 20-Apr-19 21:58:33

I think this is a really good point about the kids noticing. I seriously think it would be better if you stay home from now on. Let your husband go with the kids if he wants but don't go there to be treated like that. Not good at all.

Justmuddlingalong Sat 20-Apr-19 21:58:42

You aren't kicking up a fuss because you don't want it to become a thing?
My reaction would have been "right kids, coats on, we're going."
The lack of reaction by you and your DH is allowing her to be a bitch with no come back from you.
If you've worked hard on a relationship with them and they haven't reciprocated, what's the point?

HauntedPencil Sat 20-Apr-19 21:58:47

Sounds as if you are trying to repair things and sucking up visits but she isn't even meeting you part way.

It's basic stuff giving guests the same food, drinks etc. It's not right.

Oldbutstillgotit Sat 20-Apr-19 21:59:00

Why do you visit ? Why does your DH not step in and take your MIL to task? You say he has done nothing wrong but that’s not the impression I get - he should have made a fuss and demanded an explanation .

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Sat 20-Apr-19 21:59:25

You sound as though you’re happy to accept this terrible behaviour but have obviously been upset by it (posting). I’m assuming you just wanted a rant rather than any advice - still not sure why you’d want a relationship with someone when this must be the tip of the iceberg....

DewDropsonKittens Sat 20-Apr-19 21:59:33

This is an intentional snub, if you continue to do nothing about it and your DH doesn't address his mothers way of treating you it will cause a huge rift between everyone

Eventually..over something insignificant you will implode, then be accused of being rude / aggressive

Been there. Got the scars.

As an aside, what example does it set your children that you're all pretending to like each other, having an atmosphere with you being left out

If MIL has the children alone, she is more than likely working on them to turn against you

Mine did, small things at first like "oh mummy won't like that, but she is silly so here you go''

BornInAThunderstorm Sat 20-Apr-19 21:59:54

I would make this my last visit tbh.

If she honestly “forgot” during plating up then you would expect her to try to redistribute the food or find an alternative. It sounds like she wasn’t really embarrassed or apologetic, which suggests it was intentional.

Does she think that you not visiting often is due to your influence perhaps, and is trying to punish you?

Yabbers Sat 20-Apr-19 21:59:54

DH didn't do anything wrong

So he DID call his mother out for being a spiteful beast and told her you wouldn’t be coming back, then?

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 22:00:02

I don't want my children seeing them without my supervision.

Absolutepowercorrupts Sat 20-Apr-19 22:00:37

She's not sending you a passive aggressive message at all. She's just made it clear where you stand in her eyes. I have no idea what to suggest you do next.
This is appalling and although they probably is a massive back story, I wouldn't have stayed there and I think your husband should have made it clear that treating you like this is terrible

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Sat 20-Apr-19 22:00:57

Your update confirms this, counselling for DH and never see them again .... your children will be aware of this as you realise

Still sending hugs

Absolutepowercorrupts Sat 20-Apr-19 22:01:33

there not they

HarryDaylight Sat 20-Apr-19 22:01:54

How unbelievably rude and ill mannered of your MIL.
You deserve these flowers for putting up with her.

TheGrapefulDread Sat 20-Apr-19 22:03:04

Apart from your husband, no one else offered or re-plated all those dinners to include you ? What a shower of shits! If no one called her out on her fuckwittery - they are all complicit in the action. Hope she enjoyed the moment. It would have to last a long time if I was on the receiving end of that treatment.

Absolutepowercorrupts Sat 20-Apr-19 22:05:26

Just seen your updates flowers
She's a cunt and your h isn't much better, I agree with pp about your children noticing her treatment of you.

Sakura7 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:05:33

OP if their behaviour is that bad and you have to work so hard to maintain the relationship, why do it? You and your DH don't have to put up with being disrespected.

You should read up a bit on dysfunctional families - Out of the Fog is a good website to start with. Not trying to do an armchair diagnosis but it might be something to read up on in case any of it resonates.

winterisstillcoming Sat 20-Apr-19 22:05:34

Next time take a fuck off picnic for yourself, or order yourself a takeaway to her house.

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 22:06:03

DH does need counselling regarding them.

They been hideous to him over the years and we're low contact. They usually visit us on our terms and are on their best behaviour.

They "disowned" DH when DS was a poorly premature neonate in NICU because we'd given DS my surname.

It almost sent DH over the edge. We've discussed counselling but then they "changed".

This is very hard.

billybagpuss Sat 20-Apr-19 22:06:46

Did anyone else notice and say anything?

That’s horrendous behaviour

PinkiOcelot Sat 20-Apr-19 22:06:53

Myself and my children would never be setting foot through their front door ever again. That’s disgusting.
Never mind them disowning your husband, he should be disowning them!

cuppycakey Sat 20-Apr-19 22:07:29

I don't want them near my children. I don't want them near my husband.

There is nothing you can do about DH but I do agree you shouldn't be seeing them and neither should the DC.

If DH won't agree to this then you have a DH, not a PIL problem. flowers

QueenoftheBiscuitTin Sat 20-Apr-19 22:08:20

Disgusting behaviour from MIL.
I wouldn't be bothering to visit again.

Wondermoomin Sat 20-Apr-19 22:09:49

That's terrible! It's straight up rude and obviously deliberate as any normal person would've eked out an extra portion. When I've accidentally misjudged, I take a smaller portion. MIL will sit there scoffing what should've been my meal if she unexpectedly stays for dinner, and I'll have a noticeably smaller meal than anyone else, I thought it was bad enough that she never insists on a more equal split but for your MIL to miss you out completely is off the scale!!

winterisstillcoming Sat 20-Apr-19 22:10:19

Scrap the picnic. Don't go.

Theclearing Sat 20-Apr-19 22:11:02

Next time you go, (if you have to!) bring a delicious drink in a contigo cup and a delightful lunch in a Tupperware, keep them concealed in backpack until someone says, ‘er, isn’t nanna getting a drink/lunch’ then you can say brightly, ‘oh don’t bother about ME, passive-aggressiveMIL, sure I have a lovely coconut latte right here’ <insert tinkly laugh/consume beverage>.

Otherwise it all sounds too batshit to handle.

justasking111 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:14:12

Go NC yourself and your children, encourage OH to do this as well.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

AWishForWingsThatWork Sat 20-Apr-19 22:14:28

Your DH has done something wrong: he didn't immediately tell his mother this was unacceptable and allows his mother to treat you badly generally and in front of him, in front of his extended family, and in front of his own children. This is not on. SHe should have been dealt with immediately and he should have helped you and the children get your things together and leave immediately.

He needs to get over the idea of estrangement and put it in place himself while he seeks counselling to address his need to keep this horrible woman in his life.

Singlenotsingle Sat 20-Apr-19 22:15:30

So sad. Heartbreaking.

foreverhanging Sat 20-Apr-19 22:17:14

That's not passive aggressive that's full on arsehole aggressive. What a cunt

HauntedPencil Sat 20-Apr-19 22:17:46

Look there is obviously a back story here so everyone saying how they'd tell her to go fuck themselves and stomp out great but you aren't in that situation.

You shouldn't have to put up with being treated badly to try and repair their relationship though, and you can't keep going to visit for them to treat you like that however supportive you would like to be to DH as he attempts to salvage a relationship.

It's BASIC stuff isn't it, you aren't asking for fawning but not being offered or given food & drinks it really shows they haven't changed, it sounds like some sort of pathetic mind game.

IHateUncleJamie Sat 20-Apr-19 22:18:35

Very difficult and I sympathise as I am no contact with my parents after decades of abuse. Although I could never stick up for myself around my mother, I could and did stick up for DH without fail.
So really your DH should have been able to call his bitch of a mother out for your sake, if not his own.

He needs counselling ASAP. If he wants to see them again that’s up to him but if I were you I wouldn’t go and don’t let him take the children. Don’t worry about your dcs; toxic grandparents are worse than no grandparents. It’s not good for the children to see their grandparents bully you and DH and for neither of you to assert yourselves. I understand how difficult it is but the sooner you all go No Contact with these people, the better. They’ve shown who they are.

Bittern11 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:18:51

What’s the point of you ‘working’ on your relationship with your ILs if they don’t work on it too?

They sound toxic.

I’d cut them right out.

Maybe your h needs counselling. Has he read the stately homes thread?

whyohwhyowhydididoit Sat 20-Apr-19 22:19:06

I came on to suggest bringing a concealed packed lunch too but I wouldn’t do the tinkly laugh thing. I would just crack on with my delicious self prepared feast (maybe include an alcoholic beverage). If any one asks just say ‘MIL doesn’t cook for me, it’s just one of those things’. That or order a pizza with the same matter of fact explanation.

But in reality I wouldn’t ever stay there over a meal time again. When it’s time for her to dish up, I would round up the kids and say my goodbyes.

HauntedPencil Sat 20-Apr-19 22:19:11

Agree I wouldn't go back with DC at this point. You tried, she was a dick so you did your bit.

Justmuddlingalong Sat 20-Apr-19 22:21:11

Yes. Ignore all of the advice given here, OP, except HauntedPencil's. 🙄

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken Sat 20-Apr-19 22:21:31

Please don’t let your MIL treat you this way, especially in front of your children. She is very obviously making it clear that she can stand you, and you and your husband are effectively saying it is ok to treat you like absolute shit!

She doesn’t offer you a drink when she does everyone else and she doesn’t give you any food?! If it was a genuine mistake she would have been mortified, offering you her meal, offering to make you something else, and if you refused would have probably felt too awful to eat her own meal.
The fact she didn’t do any of those things speaks volumes.

I can’t imagine how awful and embarrassed you must have felt. Your husband needs to stand up for you. This isn’t a bit of wife and MIL friction, she is treating you like shit and he continues to allow it, by making you have contact. He should be telling her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is disgraceful and if she tries ANYTHING similar again, they will be no contact

I’m all for trying to keep the peace in families where possible but bloody hell, not in this situation angry

GuineaPiglet345 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:24:06

You and your DH need to take charge of the relationship with them and cut them off. They don’t sound like they’d be a positive influence on your children and they clearly have no respect for you.

sackrifice Sat 20-Apr-19 22:25:14

Crikey.

You all need to like, never ever go round there again, and never ever be in if they want to come round yours.

Sakura7 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:26:23

Posters here are piling on the DH, but when you've grown up with abusive parents they manipulate you to the point that you don't know what's normal and what's not. It sounds like he does know their behaviour is wrong, but it takes a lot of reflection and work on yourself to get to the point where you can go no contact. I agree counselling is a must, and the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

NannyRed Sat 20-Apr-19 22:26:28

We've worked so hard on our relationship with them I don't want this to be "a thing".

Hate to be the one to tell you, but relationships shouldn’t ever be such hard work, walk away now and let your husband know you do nothing t intend to return.

toucantoo Sat 20-Apr-19 22:27:47

This is and never will he anything other than a toxic relationship. You and DHs energy needs to go into healing him away from his DPs. He needs to accept them for what they are and remove them from the equation. Him needing some sort of affirmation from them is tying you all to the toxic nature of the relationship.

Butterymuffin Sat 20-Apr-19 22:30:44

We've worked so hard on our relationship with them I don't want this to be "a thing".

These aren't people worth having a relationship with. Cut your losses, all of you.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar Sat 20-Apr-19 22:32:03

Wow your telling me not one person in that house questioned this bitch?? What a wonderful family you've married into. My children would be nowhere near any of them and as for your husband...WTAF?!

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 22:33:11

He's been raised by these people. They've had many years shaping him to feel guilt when they tell him that he's bad!!

He's not a big alpha male who can tell people to fuck off. He's confused and hurt by them. He's trying to process their behaviours.

I want his world to be ok. I want him to have this parental relationship that he craves... but he won't because they're fuckers. It's much harder for him to see that than me.

NannaNoodleman Sat 20-Apr-19 22:35:04

BIL suffers the same FOG as DH. BIL's wife wouldn't notice if I sat naked at the table swinging my nipple tassels in perfect circles. DH's father is as much of a fucker as his DM.

whatsnewchoochoo Sat 20-Apr-19 22:36:23

I'm sorry this is hard but honestly you have to stop going. You have to stop letting your children see this. I'm sorry if your DH can't stop himself from going right now but you can't change that. You can change what your kids have to see

Ps. Also- she's a horrible fucking bitch! I'm furious on your behalf.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:37:18

I wouldn’t be going again that’s for sure

NaturatintGoldenChestnut Sat 20-Apr-19 22:37:23

This relationship is not worth working on. Your h should have got up and left with you all. She didn't forget. She meant it. He's enabling and so are you.

MrsChanandlerBongg Sat 20-Apr-19 22:38:17

Had this been a genuine mistake, everyone would've divided their dinner up to plate you up a portion. This was completely pre-meditated.

Are DH's siblings like this/did they not say anything either? Or are they the same as PIL?

If their behaviour has always been an issue and has now been taken a step further, definitely cut them out and encourage DH to do so too. Given the difficult situation they abandoned their own son while you were both going through such a hard time, they clearly don't give a shit. I don't know why you bother giving them the time of day!

Drogosnextwife Sat 20-Apr-19 22:38:21

Why are you both pandering to that crap. When they cut contact with you, you should have kept it that way. Why would you all put yourselves through that for people that would do things like that to you?

justasking111 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:38:22

I went no contact to protect my children from my DM. You need to do the same.

crabb Sat 20-Apr-19 22:43:25

Have you posted about this situation before? It sounds familiar.

FoxSquadKitten Sat 20-Apr-19 22:44:56

We go to their house 1-2 times per year because of their behaviour

Well that's clearly 1-2 times too many 🤬

ohfourfoxache Sat 20-Apr-19 22:46:16

Cut your losses. If she wants a relationship with them fine, but do not subject the dc or yourself to any more of their fuckwittery.

ohfourfoxache Sat 20-Apr-19 22:46:49

Sorry, if DH, not she

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Sat 20-Apr-19 22:53:50

I’m so sorry for you all. What horrid rude people.

AdaColeman Sat 20-Apr-19 22:59:04

What a horrible and despicable thing to do to you. Obviously deliberate since with pasta she could have adjusted the portions to feed everyone.

You should have eaten your DH meal when he offered it, then her plan would have backfired. She would have probably made him some thing else, as it was you that she was directing her loathsome behaviour at.

I would never visit them again and neither would my children. I feel so sorry for you, that you have this dreadful woman in your life, instead of the caring loving mother in law you deserve.

Sakura7 Sat 20-Apr-19 23:02:24

As someone who had a mother with a personality disorder and an enabling father, it took a long time for me to really process how badly I was treated, and to accept they would never change. One thing that really did help was reading up on PD parents and their enablers. I spent so long believing my situation was unique, until I discovered that my parents fit a script, and their pattern of behaviour was not that unusual after all. Instead of covering it up, I could open up and talk to people in the same boat as me.

I think your DH needs to do some reading and definitely go for counselling. The only way forward is no contact.

It's a very hard situation for you too OP but you sound like a wonderful caring person. I agree with the others that you and your DC should not see them, and give DH space to come to that conclusion himself.

MissLadyM Sat 20-Apr-19 23:05:26

Bitch. Don't take this crap. Your husband is weaker than a nun's piss for not being furious with her.

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