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What makes people selfish? (long moan sorry)

(14 Posts)
fedupwifey Sat 14-Jul-07 22:10:48

I'vejust realised quite how selfish my DH is. OK we've known eachother for over 10years so I'm feelingrather dumb, but....

I'm the kind of person who goes along with most things most of the time and rather than make a decision can give over to someone else without concern. It's onlynow I've realised I've always done this with DH and he always puts himself first. Well almost, he's very generous on mother's day and anniversaries and has been known to do some nice things for my birthday...but apart from a special occasion he always comes first.i suppose now the DC are a bit older I've realise he puts himself first before them too - this is why I've started noticing.
He does help out sometimes with the DC but its always with great effort and I'm suypposed to be grateful that he's put himself out -surely its a father's job/pleasure to spend time with DC at the weekend (he works away most of the week and often doesn't see them at all as home after bedtime)
An example before we had dc we'd go to the cinema and always watch what he wanted, once I said I'dlike to choose, he didn't like my choice so we had a row and we came home.

Anyway back to thread title, his sister is congenitally selfish and i find my PIL are quite selfish too. Is it inherited or copied, I don't think I'm a selfish person (DH does) and I know my mum is very unselfish so will my DC be selfish because it is a gene or only if they're taught? CanI change him?

Sorry waffly but fed up.

stressteddy Sat 14-Jul-07 22:15:10

Hello fedup - don't worry about moaning, I've had a big moan on here tonight too. It helps to get it out doesn't it??
Controversial view, but I think most men would be selfish given half the chance. It seems to be in their genes.
Don't worry about dc - you will help them to understand what theshould be.
Being selfish is not part of someone's innate personality so you have a chance to change this

fedupwifey Sat 14-Jul-07 22:24:10

Thanks stressteddy, just had a bad evening and DH just gone to bed early in a huff. I had a moan, well trying to point out that sometimes what he says to me, esp about what i eat upsets me. His reaction was to get cross for me telling him I was upset, so i pointed out that I was upset by things he said to me and also felt more upset theat when i mentioned the fact he just got cross - sorry does that make sense? anway upshot was that i realised i was only watching tv because i always watch what he wants to watch and actuallywould rather do something else -ok mn instead- so did. now he's huffy that i didn't go back and sit down and watch tv. silly really i suppose he's so used to me going along with things - apart from the odd tantrum ( that's me BTW )he's not used to me speaking up for myself unless we have a row, so he's assuming its a row. poor dear.

stressteddy Sat 14-Jul-07 22:27:25

fedup - keep talking sweetheart it really does help. Maybe it's time to do a bit more for you? Don't tell him why just say "I'm off to go on the computer now" and leave him to his programmes
He'll get used to it I'm sure
Maybe one you've got him used to the fact that you don't alwys do what he's doing you could have a chat to him about what you want???
Baby steps fedup, baby steps!!

fedupwifey Sat 14-Jul-07 22:35:59

i think you're right. the problem is that he's away alot of the week and comes home late from work either because he's been working or if not because he's out with mates either at work or home. we're both tired at the weekend him because of his work na more often because of his social life, me because we have 3 dc , one a baby and am up at least once or twice in the night. we row most weekend as a result. he's always grumpy at the weekends and i have tried various different solutions, family days out - he was teatchy-,days doing stuff at home together- he's grumpy house isn't perfectly clean tidy etc.- me taking DC out all day so he could have some time alone getting stuff done he never has a chance to do. this last worked the best,i often feel that i'd be better off a single mum as i'd then have no expectations. i actually asked him if he was having an affair today as he just seems to see the whole coming home and being with us as a chore. oh i don't know, but we row every weekend and i'm fed up of trying to prevent it without avail -

stressteddy Sat 14-Jul-07 22:41:10

Oh fedup -you sound so down. Having kids is so toughh and the strain it can put on a relationship cannot ever be anticipated. Maybe you and your dh need some time alone together? Maybe a nigyt away so you can tell him how you feel and decide how to sort it out together?

I feel for you I really do - it sounds like you are in pain.

mylastrolo Sat 14-Jul-07 22:42:37

someone who is depressed usually can only think of themselves and their own plight. haven't read all of thread just title.

stressteddy Sat 14-Jul-07 22:47:40

Fedup, I have to go to bed now. So sorry to leave you now. Do keep talking, the support on here is great
I'm on most days so do come and let me know how you are if you see me
Hope tomorrow is a more positive day for you

fedupwifey Sat 14-Jul-07 22:52:51

thanks for listening stressteddy, i know a lot of it is because i'm tired but it's like i'm also realising what my life is really like. we've been married 8 years this month and for the last 3 i've got to just before our w/a and not felt like celebrating. i don't know if its the time of year or something. also i had undiagnosed pnd after my first 2 dc but now i've had my baby i feel like a weight has been lifted and i've suddenly connected back with the person i was before i had dc. i'm still tired but i can feel its different. obviously dh has been through a lot in the last 6 years but he was never very supportive or helpful with the first 2 dc and i'm starting to notice how differently he treats me compared to how we were when we first met. he makes constant criticims or snipes about my lack of housekeeping (OK justified im' crap but i do have to look after 3 dc mostlyon my own) and my weight, I have let myself go a bit but I am not espescially overweight and recently havestarted to do something about it.
sorry i ama going on a bit - but our realtionship used to be based on mutual respect and intellectual equality, in fact in the past he said that he always thoguht i was clverer than him. now he's a bit like a tyrranical boss who comes home everyday and points out where i have failed. its not always verbal but the tuts and raised eyebrows are the same....

fedupwifey Sat 14-Jul-07 22:54:44

just crossed with stressteddy oops.
mylast rolo - do you think my dh could be depressed now - it would be his turn i suppose. he's so into his work though, just down about me.

legalalien Sat 14-Jul-07 23:11:13

Hey there,

I know where you are coming from, and have been fortunate enough to have some good advice from MNetters on my thread over the last few days. My thoughts on the matter:

(a) just don't go there re making comments re potential affair etc. If you must, think those thoughts to yourself, but once you voice them, they actually divert attention from the important issues.

(b) however hard and unfair it seems, consider the potential sources of stress that he's subject to (e.g. if he's the primary breadwinner, the pressure to provide), and make a point of mentioning them. It's kind of tedious but I'm coming to the view that it's an important part of the process.

(c) (and although this is at risk of minimising your importance in the family and someone's about to come down on me hard about the manner in which this perpetuates my own problems), I'd recommend making comments along the lines of "dc always asks after you when you're not here, he really wants you to do X" (and X has to be quite concrete). Generally, in my experience that kinda works (although am yet to try "DS really wants you to do the washing")

And less of the "poor dear" stuff"!

fedupwifey Sun 15-Jul-07 13:11:43

Thanks legalalien, you're right I just get fed up sometimes, esp after a sat night row and some wine. i knpw he's the one bringing in the money but i'd like to be treated like an equal instead of part of what he's paid for ...
feel a bit better today after a bit of sleep - thanks for all the support

mylastrolo Sun 15-Jul-07 15:56:15

glad you are feeling better it is very hard sometimes keeping everyone happy. You need to be happy too I could be talking about myself here. I'd had a few glasses last night so ignore post. take care and hope things improve

hurtwife Mon 16-Jul-07 08:23:33

It sounds as though you do not feel too good about yourself right now. Who does with children around all the time and the holidays looming ahead!!
Something i tell my children is - people will find fault in others when they are not happy themselves. Is your H really happy - and dont take this wrong but are you making it a happy home for him to come home to? (i have done that before and it becomes a vicious cycle).

You sound as though you have a competition of who 'hurts' the other with words the most and then thorw them back at each other. You have the power to stop this cycle. Try and be happier and believe me the extra effort in doing something to please your partner does pay off and makes you feel good too.

Good luck

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