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DH says he doesn't fancy or love me any more since we had children

(41 Posts)
Pammi Fri 13-Jul-07 21:37:47

My DH and I have been together for 4 years and have a nearly 3 yr old boy and a girl due in 7 weeks' time (both planned). He's now saying he's not in love with me any more and doesn't find me attractive. He says he wishes we hadn't had children as he's since decided he doesn't enjoy fatherhood and can't promise he won't leave us in future. I can't look forward to the birth of our baby for this reason and am very worried about being left with two children and no income (gave up job to have children). Should I try to fight for our marriage or just leave before I am left? I have no family near me so feel very alone and insecure.

CrookshanksinJimmyChoos Fri 13-Jul-07 21:39:47 sorry to hear this...don't have any experience of this but just wanted you to know there are people listening and am sure someone will come along with advice soon.

For what its worth, he sounds a complete tosser and you would be better off without him. How dare he make you feel so insecure about yourself and the future! If he wasn't that keen on fatherhood, why agree to the second child? I think a good long chat is in order as it sounds as if he doesn't really know what he wants...

Hope it works out for you and big hugs!

lilymolly Fri 13-Jul-07 21:39:48

oh sweetheart so sorry for you.
Is he having a panic about impending birth of dd?
Whilst I have no experience of this, my gut instinct would be to fight for this marriage. Hope someone else comes along to help.

Peachy Fri 13-Jul-07 21:40:20

Poor you <,hugs>.

In your heart- did you see this coming, or culd it be a panic attack with the baby due?

How about you, how do you feel about him 9and Im expecting his baby is not enough- really feel, in your heart)

OCuld he have antenatal depression?

Roseylea Fri 13-Jul-07 21:40:32

I don't really know what to say but just wanted to reply to your post to let you know you're not alone.

Stress can do strange things to people - maybe it's the stress of fatherhood that has changed the way your dh feels.

Have you got support from other people - friends, family etc?

moondog Fri 13-Jul-07 21:41:29

God,he sounds like an utter wanker.
Kick him out now.He sounds as if he will be about as much use as a.....words fail me.


Tortington Fri 13-Jul-07 21:42:14

dont go all " please don't leave me" reply with " whatever your arse is fat anyway"

Peachy Fri 13-Jul-07 21:44:56

Actually agree with Custy- there is nothing less attractive to a non-stalkery man than a desperate woman

Plus I was so guilty of that- Dh ahs these walkouts (linked to depression) and I used to beg, last time I waved him goodbye {blush] and guess what? He apologised

But anyway, you. Whats your own take on the causes of all thsi?

Carmione Fri 13-Jul-07 21:45:00

Relate asap, give it your best shot but don't try too hard as he will have to be the one to change if your marriage is to work.
He'd better be having some kind of breakdown because what he is saying to you is unforgiveable.
would it be possible to move to be close to your family.

Hattie05 Fri 13-Jul-07 21:45:10

Do you think this is hows he has felt for sometime? Or could he just be having 'panic' stress about the impending birth. I have heard of men suffering with a version of postnatal depression after the birth of their children, perhaps he is having similar now and things could change once the baby is born.

Would he consider some counselling?

My advice to you would be to talk and talk and talk! (no heated discussions allowed). Find time to sit and discuss in depth BOTH of your feelings in light of his recent lack of commitment. Work out together how you can make the relationship last, work out what he is missing and how you can work together to get it back for him. The usual stuff such as - nights out together, nights out singly with friends etc may help him feel less 'trapped' which is what it sounds like he may be feeling.

Did he tell you all of this in a heated discussion or calmly?

Pammi Fri 13-Jul-07 21:46:20

I think he is obviously scared at the thought of a newborn, sleepless nights, etc. but it's not exactly a picnic for me either - I hate pregnancy and can't wait for it all to be over, just want the end result. I honestly didn't see this coming at all. It's as if he's turned into a different person. He used to be the "perfect" partner, loving, considerate, kind, etc. and would do anything for me. Now he's turned into Mr Callous. He's saying he only agreed to have children because I wanted them so much, but at the time he said he wanted them too.

Hattie05 Fri 13-Jul-07 21:47:56

Meant to say - at the same time ensure he understands how your life has changed and how you are also missing things (assuming you are .... most of us miss things once we have children, but this can change again once family patterns settle down iykwim)

iamapieceofcheesecake Fri 13-Jul-07 21:49:27

Don't really know what to say pammi, just try to look forward to the birth best you can. He might change his mind when he's there with the both of you. Like the others have said, he could be fretting about another addition to your family.

Hattie05 Fri 13-Jul-07 21:50:39

defo sounds like a depressed man to me.

You need to get him talking properly to you about his feelings. Not just throwing comments like "he can't promise he won't leave in the future."

So sorry this his happening at such an emotional rollercoaster time for you! xx

Peachy Fri 13-Jul-07 21:53:28

Agree that he sounds depressed,depressed people become so wrapped up in themselves they lose sight of tohers peoples needs, no matter how much they love them. They also get quite desperate / scared and its not unusual to destroy a relationship through fear and / or basic self loathing.

Tortington Fri 13-Jul-07 21:53:53

thing is - things will never be how they were - if he wants up the wall sez - regular pissed up weekends and aunchy childfree holiays - he has shit his load.

it takes two to make children and i think you should mak that perfectly clear.

i think you should have a hypothetical conversation where you make it cear that he will be a weekend dad - which will allow YOU to get shit faced at weekends without kids round your arse.

"don't think i'll sit here crying over your sorry arse" should be your turn of phrase.

HE madethem - he will have volvement in their lives - if he wants to make that saturdays in the park then tats his decision - bu he should grow the fuck up - and you should tell him so.

and tell hm your not gonna be waiting around for him to get his act together - you will have two children - they ARE your priority and he better get over himself becuase he's selfish twat. They are small and innocent. and if he wants to walk out - you better bet you will take half his fuckig wages or post an add in the paper with his picture telling the town what a coplete wanker he is.

put posters up at the local pub "have you seen this loser? who doesn't pay for his kids.

so all in all he will be the loser becuase he will still have to financially support the children, he will still have to see the children and yo wont be waiting around cryig your eyes out - ph no "new dress for me honey... because i will get mine"

Hattie05 Fri 13-Jul-07 21:56:32

anger isn't always the best way to deal with depression but custardo you do have some truths in their .

But if you go in guns 'a' blazing you will end the relationship. A little tact and understanding can go a loooong way to help a depressed man see what he would be missing if he did walk out.

Hattie05 Fri 13-Jul-07 21:56:49


Tortington Fri 13-Jul-07 21:57:12

depends on the situation - only you can judg - sometimes the whinin little shits need a fuckin kicking.

Pammi Fri 13-Jul-07 21:58:14

It's possible he could be depressed as every time I try to broach the subject and get him to talk more about his feelings, he gets angry and says we can't possibly make any decisions about anything until after the birth. He did say he resents me "persuading" him to have children, although just taking his anger at himself out on me I suppose. His own dad didn't treat him well as a child so I'm disappointed he's thinking like this about his own children. He's great with our son who worships him, but will then moan to me about having to think of his needs all the time. I've tried to get us to go out together more but he says there's no point while I'm pregnant - highly insulting!

Tortington Fri 13-Jul-07 21:59:17

sounds like he's a complete wanker

Peachy Fri 13-Jul-07 22:00:32

Hwen my Dh is ill (he gets bouts of recurrent depression, most severe when DS3 was due alhtough some minor bouts recently) i find I have to take a very headmistressy approach to get through. Sarcasm / subtlety etc just dont work. I make sure he gets the food / etc he needs to be well (becuase he wont eat if I dont), put as little stress on him as possible and take a very straight 'well you know I love you very much but it ahs to be your decision. you wuld be missed but not mourned and I think you would miss the boys terribly' approach. It works. because its not that he doesnt love me, but that he doesnt see himself as loveable in those times. Fortunately he is very loving (OK welll maybe thats an exageration, but for a couple who ahve been together a decade he is) man when things are normal.

Peachy Fri 13-Jul-07 22:02:22

A Dad who didnt fir the mould is a classic precursor of antenatal depression in men.

Ids he someone who normally ahs very high standards? It may be that he is struggling to fill an idealised Dad mould in hi head and is panicking about doing it again

Hattie05 Fri 13-Jul-07 22:03:16

Pammi, i'd recommend you get yourself some support to help you through this.

Is that his constant attitude? If it is and you feel it is affecting yours and your sons life, then i would ask your dh to leave until he is prepared to talk, don't throw this at him in an argument, but just explain that until he is ready to talk, you cannot help him or work anything out.

Stay strong, and remind yourself that none of this is your fault, and that he is most likely not meaning the stuff he is saying about you at all and that the depression is deep within himself and only he.

Trust me i've been there and come out the otherside with the relationship in tact and a healthy happy dp back, but it takes a whole lot of work on both parts and you firstly need to decide if you think the work is worth it!

Take care x

TaylorsMummy Fri 13-Jul-07 22:08:47

you've been together 4 years and your son is nearly 3 - so you've had kids a lot longer than you didn't!! and hes saying for all that time he's not loved or fancied you?? why the hell's it taken him so long to work that one out then?? i know it's really hard but i would leave him before he leaves you.don't do anything drastic just yet.i would wait until after you've had your dd but get planning now so that it's all in place.what a loser he is.some men make me sick.

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