Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Dating thread 154 - in which beards are encouraged.(1000 Posts)
Dating thread rules:
1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!
Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1
Link to previous thread:
Sorry about the weird title. It sounds a bit early 20th century children’s novel. 😂
Just going to post this again as I'm actually really gutted that what he his response. 😔. This was the guy that kept putting off meeting up
So i sent the this needs to stop message. I was lovely in my response that I needed more than just texting etc and that distance is obv an issue for him. Which I respect.
He replied with I PERHAPS deserve more than he can offer.
I wished him the best and he replied with 😏👋🏻
Honestly how do I even start liking these guys and investing my time in them
He’s a git. There is no perhaps about it. Not even a hint of perhaps. You deserve so much better.
I just feel gutted that I said anything. But I don't want to wait around for him to decide if he can meet me. Why are blokes so lovely via text and then turn out to be pricks
@lifegoes I'm sorry that it didnt go the way you wanted it to, but if any good comes from this it will be that you may need to reconsider how long you are prepared to message a guy before arranging a first date. Personally, I try and put a limit of one week on it. If we haven't met by then I either (a) get completely over invested - bad. very bad and no good ever comes of it or (b) lose interest because another fresh iron comes along who gets attention.
Not every one who is on the apps actually wants to physically meet someone - most of us do, but some just like then chat/banter/chase and it's an escape from their otherwise quite dull lives with very little investment 🤷♀️
I have a kind of vaguely dating related tale of woe today. I’m very grumpy and have decided to whinge here and drink wine.
I should currently be on date (number two hundred and something 😁) with MrSG in Paris. But due to the utter ineptitude of the airline I am at home. I’m flying out tomorrow but I have little confidence they won’t be just as useless tomorrow. There was even a seat available on the flight but the idiot I was dealing with didn’t realise that meant I could sit in it until it was too late. Sigh.
Love the title for the new thread
Aren't we filling them up quickly
@lifegoes Ugh, that's crap. What a time waster. Better that you have taken control and called it.
@JeSuisPrest that's really good advice re time limits. I find it totally sad (and annoying) that some people have to do this to inject a bit of fun into their lives.
@Crustaceans a date in Paris? That is so extra fingers crossed for tomorrow!
lifegoes at least you know where you stand now. It's disappointing I know, but better to find out now that he's a wet muppet rather than further down the line.
You said you wanted assertive, he isn't that, he can't even man up and tell you you're right without inserting an ego-saving "perhaps".
Move on, you deserve and will find better
lifegoes that's shit, but as crustaceans said he's a git and you knew it wasn't right so you dealt with it well. Please don't dwell on it, he's not worth it.
If he really wants unprotected sex then who's to say he isn't lying about sleeping with someone else?
I just mean if someone doesn't want to wear condoms then they would just lie.
Life 💐 was distance not an issue for you? I think if it’s going to be a ltr they need to be close. Maybe Jesuis right in that reluctance to meet should have been flag enough that he not arsed. Some are just good texters and play on that. Sure one of the men said if the man keen it shouldn’t be hard work. NEXT!
Crust thanks for new thread
@ccgirr no I wasn't fussed, I offered to meet half way and even go there just to meet for a coffee. Each time he agreed and then said he couldn't as he had the kids.
@Ant330 that really got to me the "perhaps". He was so lovely via text all the right things, ticking all the boxes. But he just kept putting off meeting me. And I do need a strong man that takes charge a bit.
Thanks all, Just a bit sad this keeps happening to me.
My (not sure what to call him yet) bloke seems to have passed the test, he hasn't logged onto Fab since he told me he had logged on because he'd had a message and wanted to check why because he thought he'd deleted the account - which he had because I was there when he did it (I wonder if it was a site message to tempt him back rather than a message from another member) despite a new friend request being sent to tempt him.
He's still showing as active but provided he's not logging in and responding to messages I'm going to accept this may be a technical glitch, and I'll just keep checking. I like that he hasn't once questioned why I'm still on there or why I'm checking up on him, which I'm doing openly, he just seems to want to prove he's not up to anything. I keep expecting him to kick off defensively as my ex would have done.
Does anyone else find that post divorce (ex cheated) you struggle to trust your gut instinct where the opposite sex and relationships are concerned? Anyway I appear to be in a relationship.
@JeSuisPrest totally agree. That's why I kept trying to arrange to meet him. Even from the second day of texting. Twice we agreed and then he couldn't, I even offered to come to him.
I don't like texting for long, it doesn't feel right for anyway.
He always gave the impression that he wanted to but couldn't. I tried to end it twice and he kept saying he would sort something. Yes I'm a fool, I am pleased I've ended it rather than him moving on to someone else kinda deal.
Just another mistake
Love the title for the new thread
Aren't we filling them up quickly
Well, I decided to bite the bullet and message the amazing man I met on Saturday night, the one I really really liked, but didn't know if he was into me....
I actually made a little tableau of Lego figures waving signs saying "That was fun, shall we do it again sometime?" (I know, but I enjoyed myself doing it, and thought it was funny, and it does kind of tie in with our conversations), and sent him a picture.
I thought I'd get a) a message saying "Sorry, but no spark", b) ignored, c) some kind of cute photo in return. Instead, he replied "Hello!". That's it.
That video on mindfuckery from the end of the last thread was extremely timely, I feel .
Oh lifegoes that's shit 😣. How long had you been talking? Only just catching up on the thread as had a long day at work.
I'm way overinvested in Mr Guitarist (which we all know) but I'm just allowing it. Normally I'd try chatting to others to stop myself but I just don't see the point. If it ends in shit, then it ends in shit but at least I've tried 🤷. He's away this weekend (both our child free weekend) and he lives an hour away so it does appear meeting is going to be difficult. But he does seem keen and I'm consciously trying not to overthink or self sabotage.
@ItsAMiracle2015 it's the guy I blocked on WhatsApp. So for texting for 2/3 weeks now. He came back via text and said He'd messed up and he'll sort something to meet up. I've got really invested it and he's been so amazing the past few days. But again 2 days after he said, nothing is mentioned. I just realised that I needed to bite the bullet and actually say something, hoping he might actually say ok right here's the dates.
I know the 2/3 weeks might not sound long to some as he had his kids, but I just wanted plans. Some form of action that proved he wanted to see me.
Not meeting for weeks after chatting I can't cope with, too many men wanting pen pals, so two week maximum always worked for me.
Not being able to meet more than a couple of times a week suits me fine, I'm used to having time to myself/with DD and time for friends now, so even in a LTR a couple of times a week and the odd full weekend is ideal. We all have different lifestyles I suppose and different expectations.
He's a twat lifegoes. Be strong. You deserve more.
@likeridingabike that's exactly it. I wouldn't mind if he had planned something in. But twice we had something and both times he had to cancel.
I don't want to see him every day! Once a week would have been enough for me. ESP with my life. But I couldn't even get the first date.
He just text ALL the time
I know @ItsAMiracle2015 I'm just gutted. I over invested in him. I really did! Texting he was everything I've been looking for. Hence why I wanted to meet him to ensure this was going to be good.
Never expected a 😏👋🏻 reply
You have to cut them loose lifegoes some men just don't want to meet, I still exchange the occasional message with a bloke I had one brief date with 6 months ago who still claims he wants to see me again when he's in a better place, there's always something work or family issues, always an excuse. It's not worth it.
Just an arsehole. Who wanted an ego boost and likely has something going on with someone else hence his phone 'dying' all the time. It's proper shit. And I'd be gutted too. But be sad, drink some wine and dust yourself off. You're the prize!!
Found you all!
life he is a monumental cockwomble, you deserve more
Awww thank you @ItsAMiracle2015 I do feel shit. But I do think he has others, he also had a dig at me about other men texting me.
Thank you shit
@likeridingabike I hate it when it's your choice, you always question if it was the right choice.
@crackofdoom well I had explained why it needed to stop. He replied with his part and I said I do wish you the best 😘
He replied with 😏👋🏻. So I'm assuming "doubt it face and bye"
I spoke to someone recently who s had terrible luck online dating for years.
So they have now decided to try dating women instead lol
I actually have thought about this very occasionally but would be too scared to message anyone as they'd know I'm looking for men..
Also just being curious isn't really enough right?
When someone refuses to meet, I always work on the basis that it was never going to happen. These days, quite a red flag for me is someone saying they have never been on an OLD date before, especially if they have been on OLD for a while.
< Takes a bow > ;)
unique that seems a bit weird unless you actually, genuinely fancy women? Unless you take the point of view that we're actually all more flexible than we think? I mean, the thought had crossed my mind, but I think it's a bit insulting to lesbians to go "Well, I'd obviously prefer men, but they're really crap, so I thought I'd settle for a woman instead".
@MrDrummer I'm still quite new to this OLD as some of the girls will tell you.
But I really thought oh he's so different, we just need to meet. But the two cancellations and promises to sort it. Never materialised
I know what you mean.
But maybe I'm attracted to some even tho I'm not sure what way it would go.
E.g. it's one thing to enjoy lesbian films and tv another to live it in real life.
I just don't care as long as it's good acting and drama. But yeh makes you curious.
@lifegoes Unfortunately, rule number 4 has applied in your case.
Oh I know @MrDrummer
I sometimes wonder if my profile just attracts these BS men.
I think you can appreciate than another woman is attractive without actually wanting them though. Most of us have an occasional girl crush I think, but for me, the penis bit is a bit of a deal breaker, ie essential for me. Plus to be frank I wouldn't know what to do with a fanny that isn't my own <lowers the tone>
Happy to review it, if you like, @lifegoes
Having said that, I can't really imagine how a profile could attract BS blokes. I think its just too easy to hide behind a couple of pictures and some text. If someone invented a bullshit detector, OLD apps would be decimated. That goes for men and woman, unfortunately.
Yeah I agree @MrDrummer tbh I do wonder if sometimes I just expect too much. But then Is wanting to meet someone too much ?
lol war is. I’m with you. Attractive sensual but need a cock! And the other bit 🤣
Thanks for the new thread. Great title.
Especially as Mr Stubble has said he would like to meet for a drink. However, he hasn't said when.
I suggested this weekend but he isn't available. And replied "we'll definitely get something sorted".
I'd like to say I'm not going to hang around waiting for him. But he's my only iron.
@lifegoes It's not expecting too much to meet someone, but perhaps expecting too much of online dating itself. There are a lot of reasons for ppl to use OLD and only one if them is to meet people for dating. Genuine people are definitely in the minority. In fact, I am giving up for the moment. I can't even get anybody to talk to me these days.
Drummer - find that so hard to believe as you seem so charismatic unless you in some remote backwater with no one near?!?
But he seemed to keen in fact his actual first lot of messages were about where we would meet etc. Even after he couldn't the first time he was so apologetic and tried to arrange the second (which he then cancelled) am I just being naive here @MrDrummer
@MrDrummer I don't understand that, you write so well on here that I can't believe you don't come across well on old messaging. I have had some really unimaginative guys approach me so I'm sure you would stand out.
@lifegoes no you don't expect too much. I can only assume he was married and/ or had lots of irons on the go and was choosing. What a twat.
Hi all - sorry about the flakiness that is going on
My date with Mr Games is still on for tomorrow night!
This is all the fault of *Hairy and *Bat and my random PoF profile
Very tired and overworked, but going anyway and will update ... even if there is nothing to report.
Wish me luck ... have zero exceptions as we have hardly spoken and his pictures and profile are minimal - but meeting in a very public place with my bus stop (or uber) right outside.
@ccgirr I have literally messaged everyone regularly online that I fancy in my area on PoF and either the convo has died within a couple of messages or got no response. Always read the profile and always write a personal message with some reference to the OP's profile.
Thank-you for the compliment, though. Just can't seem to standout from the crowd. Taken my PoF profile off line for the moment. I don't want to become part of the furniture, if you know what I mean.
@StealthNinjaMum he def was divorced as I checked his ex wife FB 🤦🏻♀️ but I do think he had lots of women on the go. Ex professional footballer so makes sense.
I've blocked him on everything now, I kept it open in hope he would come back. But s not worth it.
Finally some good news Mythologies. I'm glad that your accidental pof profile is working for you.
lifegoes just chalk this one up to experience, there will be more genuine guys out there ;)
Organising a date is simple, here's the dates I'm free over the next week or two, which one works for you. Don't get me wrong as parents sometimes those dates can change but not often. And if they do well then you just offer up the next few available dates.
All of the above of course is based on the premise that the person does actually intend to meet.
Don't worry about it, you're not the cause.
@lifegoes Get this for weird. I went speed-dating a while ago and I matched something so we got in contact later and swapped numbers and agreed a mutual place to meet even... but she was busy that weekend because it was her daughter's 18th... fair enough... started asking her when we could meet then she got vague then she asked me to send a picture. I was like... you met me, we talked... so then she said I was being shady because I didn't want to send a picture, so I sent a brand new picture and then she ghosted me a after another message or two. Go figure.
@lifegoes if I had lots of men
I can only dream I'd still not treat them how he treated you. You should tell us who he is. We could all bombard him with date requests and then not actually commit.
@Ant330 that's exactly the way I look at it. I've got a child, I know how hard it is. I even offered to go to him. He just said, there's nothing to do here.
@MrDrummer that made me laugh, I am sorry. But how did she not remember she had met you.
I do get your point now, some just want an ego boost, texting when bored etc. Don't actually want to start anything up as they can get that of needs be.
Right line drawn for me... I have taken up so much space on here talking about it.
Thank you all and @MrDrummer for being so kind and actually making me laugh.
On we go.
No idea why that all went in bold 👀👀👀👀
I would never treat anyone the way he treated me @StealthNinjaMum he's really lead me along the garden path. Texting all day, I've shared things with him that I have never told previously men. I've dated a footballer before and he was nothing but lovely. We are still friends now. But this guy, I can't get my head around it.
@StealthNinjaMum I am educated, witty, intelligent, solvent, look after myself, don't smoke, hardly drink,
have been told I have an amazing tongue and still don't get any interest. I am happy to accept that I am ugly son of a bitch but I get yelled at by the thread!
lifegoes that just makes me even more angry that he'd carry on leading you on while you were opening up to him. While I am really sorry how he has made you feel I suppose it's a lesson to the rest of us to not get carried away. Like you I've only doing this for a few weeks and without these threads I'd be doing the same.
There's really something to be said for only having one iron. I have had the most exhausting evening simultaneously messaging MrPlumber who is bored because he's away from home, MrStone who I think may self combust if he doesn't get laid soon and the lovely MrCornish who is well, just absolutely lovely and I fear may be tugging at these cold hard heart strings. I've told them all I'm going to bed now - seeing the green word "typing" from all 3 of them at the top of my convos list had disaster written all over it, although they all know I'm chatting to other people, it just isn't sitting right with me. Feck. I need to make some grown up decisions after my date with MrCornish at the weekend.
@MrDrummer good tongue you say?
I'm all those things too but can't get anyone close to my own age!
JeSuisPrest Assuming MrPlumber is in fact a plumber can you throw him my way? I really need a boiler service and a new bathroom.
He shared everything with me, I knew his day to day just by texts/photos/videos.
The more I think @StealthNinjaMum the more I'm starting to think he was controlling.
He'd text if my location changed on tinder or if I added a new photo. He'd ask where I was. He text and asked about why I was keeping my tinder fresh, bet I got loads of DM's of men as I was hot. Said he would understand if there was an overlap.
There was a few times his phone "died" in the middle of a convo. 2 hours later he appeared. Saying his charger was upstairs.
Red flags right!
That made me laugh too MrDrummer What a lot of weirdos there are in the world!
@lifegoes it's so odd that someone would spend their time on something that they knew wasn't going to go anywhere. Do they not have better things to do?
@StealthNinjaMum how old are you and what ages are approaching you? Presumably older
@StealthNinjaMum that's what has upset me I think. I keep wondering if I should have gave him longer to plan something.
> Do they not have better things to do?
Unequivocally, no... they do not.
> seeing the green word "typing" from all 3 of them at the top of my convos list had disaster written all over it
LOL. You know you are in trouble when you are typing any old rubbish to bat the conversation back to them, just so you can keep up!
@StealthNinjaMum I can't vouch for his plumbing skills but the expansion valve on his anode rod was a sight to behold and made my butterfly valve very happy. Several times. He didn't even attempt the back vent, and so grateful was I that we practiced the blow down manoeuvre until it was perfected.😂
@JeSuisPrest crying literally crying with laughter at this
Congratulations @JeSuisPrest, you win the internet for the day!
@lifegoes what did that video say about the vortex of something fuckery that someone posted earlier? These guys are inconsistent, have no defence for their behaviour and I can't remember the third thing. I guess we need to accept we'll never understand them. My ex had a mid life crisis so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some people's behaviour is unexplainable.
@JeSuisPrest 😂😂 love it!
So had a last minute date with MrFox tonight for a 'quick' drink. He turned up with a bunch of my favourite flowers. I think I melted a little ☺️
Still a perfect gentleman and we could've talked all night. 🙃
@StealthNinjaMum One point from the video "was otherwise perfect"
> I guess we need to accept we'll never understand them.
You are very much assuming that they understand themselves. That applies to both male and female. I really recommend (said this before) The Chimp Paradox by Professor Peter Stevens.. gives an excellent model for understanding how emotions can drive us to do things that we don't understand and aren't actually in our best interests. Reading it was life changing, for me.
Been lurking for months but so fed up tonight. The guy I’ve been seeing for 8 months from old said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. We’ve been away for several weekends, met my family, planning to go away this summer then BANG doesn’t want any of it anymore. Told me he loved me last week - just lies. Utterly miserable😢
@MrDrummer Thanks. Oh that's a coincidence, a friend suggested this week I buy The Hidden Chimp by the same guy and I ordered it from Amazon. I've been having this conversation with my daughter about how she should be more self aware and understand whether her behaviour is caused by her emotions, rational thought or habit. She's been struggling with her father walking out. If I like The Hidden Chimp I'll get the Chimp Paradox.
@Nowthefunbegins I'm so sorry to hear that. Back to what I was saying above I just don't understand how these people do that. Do you have support in real life? Please look after yourself.
I have that book @MrDrummer I've not read it. Been sitting in my kindle for years now.
I must read it.
@StealthNinjaMum as if I just updated my photos on tinder and he liked one of them. Probably didn't realise it was me. I totally forgot I still had him in my messages.
@StealthNinjaMum I haven't read the Hidden Chimp but I think it came after the Paradox. It is an excellent read, although a heavy tome at time. The relationship stuff is excellent. The tl;dr is never settle for someone. Just keep looking for the right person. I have been settling for the wrong person all my life. And it has brought me nothing but misery. There is another book... The Silent Guides plus there is an online community called The Troop, which is a support network, which I was planning to join. I probably have to re-read the paradox again and get the other two. Got his name wrong Prof Steven Peters
For those that are interested, take a look at...
Thanks for this Drummer I do love reading/watching things like this.
@lifegoes Can't recommend it enough... also "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" is a great book (although pretty repetitive and thus I didn't finish it, but I still got a lot out of it) I think Amazon do an abridged version for just a £1
@lifegoes maybe he just likes everyone's photos? Tosser.
@MrDrummer The Hidden Chimp is about helping children so maybe not relevant to you now (apologies if I've got you confused with Hairy but I think you have a grown up child?) Will watch the youtube video in the morning.
@StealthNinjaMum Ah, I didn't realise it was for children. Just looked and it looks quite good but my daughter is too old for it. I didn't do all the exercises in the paradox, so I will have to go back and re-read it. The video is just an explanation of why we end up with unhelpful emotions, e.g. fear of rejection, etc, that stop us doing the things that we want to do.
Hi everyone I’m just introducing myself after reading the whole last thread then frantically looking for the next one. I was recommended this thread after posting my own woe is me tale about old. Thank you too whoever said to join this thread. You are all just lovely and supportive to each other. 💐💐💐xxx
Hey @Lollyjack welcome to the new thread -sorry I put the link for the old one up for you, I didnt realise how close we were to a new thread, and it moves pretty fast. Feel free to jump in where ever and tell us about any irons you have or dates lined up. Get your toe back in the water after your last experience
@30somethingandsingle I'm getting the warm fuzzies about MrFox. What a gent.
lifegoes unless he lives in the arse end of nowhere I'd be suspicious of somebody telling me there's nothing to do where they live. They may be either hiding something from you, or you from somebody else.
I wouldn't take every new 1st date into my local, but surely there are other options in the vicinity?
Anyway you've done the right thing, forget and move on.
@JeSuis - you're on a par with Alan Partridge
Your post Je Suis about having three irons on the go really hit the mark.
I feel quite guilty about it all, although of course they could be doing the very same thing.
Also, I’m so confused about them all. I think I have a clear front runner but then one from the back pulls in front with an insightful conversation or some fantastic date idea.
So far for me. I am on date no.3 with Mr Hotel (he stayed in a hotel last time). He has just changed jobs and it means we won’t get to see each other much, I’m up for a FWB type situation but not so sure about him.
Mr Barge - haven’t met him yet. Had some phone conversations. He seems crackers and doesn’t follow any OLD rules which I like. I need to check out some of his stories to see if he’s bullshitting before I get too excited.
Mr Beany - He said he looked like a bean when I said I’d been on a date with a potato. I haven’t met him either, he is lovely and sensitive and insightful. Again, different from what I’ve come across.
By next week I should have met them all and this should be easier 😬😬😬
JeSuisPrest your description of Mr Plumber was hilarious. I'll probably remember it when I have my boiler serviced next (that's not an innuendo!)
lifegoes sorry you've had such a crap time. Put it down to experience. Each interaction we have on OLD helps us learn about ourselves and what we want. And hones your bullshit detector!
MrDrummer haven't seen your profile so I've no idea what you look like. But you come across very well on here. I can't understand why you get no interest.
But I'm in the same position. Sometimes I feel invisible on the apps and have to check I haven't hidden my profile.
Found the new thread, love the title, was at the gym yesterday eying up a lovely bearded man.
POF has been super busy withnidiots messaging me that live 100+ miles away, I mean what makes them think I’m going to want to meet up with someone who lives 3 hours away? I think I need to change my settings.
Things are going a bit slow with my potential irons, I have a date tomorrow but not with the one I want a date with. I need to spend some time later replying to messages and finding some new irons.
JeSuis you win the Internet.
I'm not keeping any other irons at the moment, but have a reserve just in case, kind of.
Dear all, would really appreciate your wisdom. I have been following your threads for some time now, loved the packing for the night away one! Anyhow, I joined Match and had a date on Thursday, I will call him Mr Peru. It was good and I saw him Saturday and we have plans again for Thursday! BUT he has taken his profile off match saying he is only interested in me, he says he doesn't expect me to do the same but does want me to tell him if I am chatting with any other men.
I am only recently single and was looking forward to dating but I feel a bit trapped already! This is not right is it? I don't want to not chat to other men, I don't want lie to Mr Peru. Mr Mill has messaged me, he has a mill in France, but feel I can't respond. This is crazy that I feel that I can't do what I want because Mr Peru has said he thinks he is falling for me and has been hurt in the past.
Never expected to be in this sort of mess so quickly!
Advice will be super appreciated. Thank you and good luck to us one and all!
MrPeru is being very unfair and quite controlling. You’ve had one date. One. Telling you what you can and can’t do because he’s ‘falling for you’ is not a good sign.
Talk to MrMill and tell MrPeru that you aren’t ready for exclusivity. He may put an end to it, but I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.
Today I am making my second attempt to get to Paris.
@Matched I think you just need to be honest with him and tell him that you are enjoying his company but that you are not ready to be exclusive.
I would prefer someone is honest with me so that I could make my own decisions on whether I was happy to continue dating.
Three dates is pretty early to be committing but personally I can't date more than one person at a time so maybe he's just the same.
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Please login first.