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Went to solicitor yesterday, not coping very well.

(25 Posts)
Rocklover Thu 12-Jul-07 18:41:13

I went to see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings yesterday and it was really scary. She wants to sue for divorce on grounds of emotional and financial abuse, I was hoping to keep things amicable, but know this will not be possible once he gets the letter.

He is a teacher and at the moment he has his own flat (new, luxury one), is going on an all inclusive 3 week holiday to Cuba in August and is always buying new clothes and stuff. He has stopped all maintenance for our daughter and is insisting I pay back the £2000 he gave me as a goodwill gesture on our split as he says he is broke, I have given him £500 so far. I am currently living with my parents and I work part time for some extra cash, I cannot afford a place of my own and I have virtually no possessions from the marriage. I know that what the solicitor is doing is correct, but I have never been brave enough to admit to myself how much he manipulated me.

I am so stressed and quite depressed about it all and like I always do when stressed I am focusing on hating aspects of my appearance (currently is my hair, have a terror of it being damaged beyond repair...although in reality I know a few split ends and some hair breakage is normal). I can sit all day just thinking about it, looking at it and worrying, it is exhaustimg me.

This is making things much harder for me, my parents think I am totally insane. I am already on a low dose of amitryptiline and don't want to go down the AD's route. How can I sort my head out before I crack totally?

lou33 Thu 12-Jul-07 18:54:30

i'd say do it, and dont repay him a penny

he sint supporting you or your daughter, why should you give him back money that went towards her?

TimeForMe Thu 12-Jul-07 19:01:18

I would say let your solicitor handle things the way she is doing. If your ex H gets snotty instruct your solicitor to inform him that all communication with regards the divorce goes via solicitors, then you don't have to discuss or face anything with him without legal representation.

As for the money, i agree with Lou, do not pay him another penny!!!

As for yourself, you are at a very low ebb at the moment, try not to be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself nicely and kindly, you deserve better than this. You have done the hardest part by leaving a man who abused you emotionally. Don't take over where he left off. Be nice to yourself. If your split ends bother you so much then why not book in at the hairdressers for a restyle, i bet it would do you the world of good

makemineadouble Thu 12-Jul-07 19:08:17

Brill advice from TFM be kind to yourself go have a lovely treat at the hairdressers if a cut is too scarey try deep conditioning treatment and a blowdry??

Let solic do everything if he gets arsey just blame her say "oh I don't know, thats what they've told me to do" Sometimes it pays to play it that way

teafortwoandtwofortea Thu 12-Jul-07 19:12:09

Hi again - now I saw those pics of you the other night and your hair is lovely - don't think otherwise!

I think your solicitor is right - you have to do it for your little girl as much as yourself, she deserves a financially secure future and it's his responsibility and yours to provide that for her.

You say you've never really admitted how much he manipulated you? Would it help to talk about it? My relationship before DH was horrendous and looking back I was manipulated and emotionally abused, but I really only came to that realisation by talking about it here on MN and discussing it with other womne who'd been through the same thing. At the time, and for a few years afterwards I always believed it was me who was a fault - by getting it down on paper as it were and having other people's opinions it helped me to see how skewed my own perception of the relationship was.

aloha Thu 12-Jul-07 19:24:36

Yes, don't pay him a single penny! Broke my arse.
Let everything go via your solicitor. If he starts on you, say 'It's all going through my solictor, I don't want to talk about it' and if he is aggressive, put the phone down. You know your hair isn't the problem. Talk to your gp about some counselling maybe to help you through this difficult time. Try to consciously relax. You are on the verge of a wonderful new life.

TimeForMe Fri 13-Jul-07 10:38:16

Hope you are feeling better today

Have a read of this!

http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/dailys/112007.html

Anniegetyourgun Fri 13-Jul-07 10:50:54

I was saying to someone the other week how embarrassed I felt that I had allowed myself to be manipulated for so long. She told me her sister had only recently come to realise her husband had been emotionally abusive for years - the sister is a psychoanalyst, so spent a lot of her time helping other people through the same thing, without ever realising it was happening to her! So you're not an idiot - he was clever. Now you're wise to him it's easy to see; when you were in the middle of it it was too confusing. Forgive yourself and look forward.

Sounds like your solicitor is right. There is no way to keep this amicable other than giving him everything he wants, and that just isn't an option because your child will go without. How DARE he ask for the money back that he GAVE you? Do get some counselling, dear, you need to find out where he hid your backbone, retrieve it and start fighting back.

Rocklover Fri 13-Jul-07 12:33:07

Thanks so much ladies, I know I have to do it, and everything will be alright in the in end, just bracing myself for the crap to come.

It was such a shock to hear someone saying to me, "you have been abused", he used to shout and swear at me, walk out when he couldn't cope and even called me mad once and chucked me out of the house! Also he couldn't cope with any stress and would never talk about anything, just get up in the morning and stay on the pc all day playing games. The shouting was usually caused by me being upset at being ignored, getting no help, or by trying to talk to him about why he was upset.

I am just so used to walking on eggshells around him that the though of someone saying to him in black and white "you did this" is quite scary. He also warned me that if I was going to go down the hardball route, things wouldn't be very pleasant.

I had a bit of a talk with my new DP last night and I know he will be there for me, just have to let the other stuff (hair etc) go. You are right I do need to retrieve my backbone...I used to have a pretty strong one!

newgirl Fri 13-Jul-07 12:37:55

he sounds awful and manipulative - do everything through the solicitor - this is for your dd sake

is your new dp financing you and dd? is that making things less clear cut? I would discuss it all with your solicitor
please be kind to yourself - this will all be in the past soon xx

Rocklover Fri 13-Jul-07 12:42:39

No I currently live with my parents and I should qualify for legal aid. I know DP would lend me money if I needed it (bless him), but I am not one to accept that kind of thing, I like to be as independnet as possible.

So financially it is pretty clear cut, I am receiving tax credits and I work part time, and luckily whilst with my parents that is more than enough money. However, if I were to move out on my own, things would be very tight indeed!

ManxMum Fri 13-Jul-07 13:09:29

Don't give him any more money!

I takes a woman many more years than a man to recover from divorce.

Get everything and I mean EVERYTHING in writing through your solicitor.

Try relate for some councilling, just talking about what he has done to a third party can help.

Keep your chin up, it DOES get better!!

I had my exH on phone the other day and he said 'have you got a minute?' and I said 'Not for you' and put the phone down!!

[big, brave emoticon]!

Rocklover Fri 13-Jul-07 17:52:04

H rang this afternoon to ask what had happened at the solicitor's (of course I did not divulge). He has had some papers from a free legal advice thing (teachers union I think) and declared to me that we would not be able to get divorced until next year because of the 2 year living apart thing. He then said that if I was to start "playing games" with the unreasonable behaviour card, he is going to be very unhappy and will refute all claims (which according to my solicitor would cost him at least £3000).

I am really dreading next week, he is going to be totally outraged and it is not going to be pretty. Am really worried....not sure I can go through with it. I don't want to get married or anything, so wouldn't it be easier just to wait another year?

God, why do I still feel so guilty? He was an arse to live with, but was not evil all the time. Saying that, I could never cope with a partner like him again...it was hideous. I always doubt myself: help!!

Wisteria Fri 13-Jul-07 17:59:02

Hang in there - You are doing the right thing; hold your new dps hand through it (he sounds lurvely by the way).

I am all for walking away in return for an amicable relationship when the father is reasonable but he is quite clearly an arsehole of the smelliest order and deserves it all - luxury flat and holidays in Cuba FFS!

KaySamuels Fri 13-Jul-07 17:59:56

Be strong. If you can't think of doing it for yourelf do it for your dd! Show her you are being strong for her. You can get through it.

Ulysees Fri 13-Jul-07 18:07:12

Rocklover read this back as if it's someone else talking and you'll see how it sounds. I know it's hard, my ex is trying the 'poor me' card but my fantastic solicitor who I saw for the first time yesterday put me straight. He's got the house, car, pension etc.... and I live in a rented house. Left him in our old one. I only really took the dining table. I'm going to agree on a small payout though as just want a divorce and I do want to remarry.

Please be strong, he's been a svengali but you need to knock him right off that pedestal.

How much contact do you have to have with him anyway? I'd make it brief and try to just imagine him naked or as a snake or something to take your mind off the shit that'll be coming out of his mouth.

aloha Fri 13-Jul-07 18:20:03

he is being a controlling bully and I bet he was the same while you are married to him. Get out now - don't let him bully you any more. Unreasonable behaviour is a perfectly OK reason to get divorced, and he won't be able to stop it by 'refuting' anything. Courts take the view that if you think it was unreasonable enough to end the marriage, that's all that counts. You don't have to prove a thing. He can't stop the divorce.
Please, please tell me you aren't going to pay him another penny. And please stay posting on MN - we are all here for you. I mean that. I'm going on holiday next week, but other people will support you when you doubt yourself.
You are doing fine!

Rocklover Fri 13-Jul-07 18:37:01

He is now texting me about when I will pay him more money and how long it will take for me to pay him back the £2000. I have been strong and said I cannot promise to pay him anything....ever.

Stupid thing is, I can't remember whether I signed anything to do with the loan when he first took it out. Sounded like a right thicko at the solicitors , but if the court rules I need to pay it back then I will, but not now... no way!!

aloha Fri 13-Jul-07 18:46:50

Hooray!! That's the spirit!
I am so pleased for you.

Wisteria Fri 13-Jul-07 19:34:34

Aloha! backing you up with the post one before last - I'm here until the 27th and agree whole heartedly with everything you said.
Rocklover (love your name btw) be strong he sounds like a right (insert preferred term of abuse) and you are well rid xx

Ulysees Sat 14-Jul-07 20:23:29

how you doing rocklover?

Wisteria Sun 15-Jul-07 17:52:20

Hello rocklover - how are you?

Justaboutmanaging Sun 15-Jul-07 18:36:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rocklover Sun 15-Jul-07 21:59:35

Doing ok today, just bracing myself for the bomb to drop!

quint Mon 16-Jul-07 13:02:51

Why are some men such arses?

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