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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Wedding doubts

138 replies

Lacey2019 · 04/04/2019 15:10

I am very apprehensive about writing this and it is also my first post on here. I am just over 4 months away from getting married and since December I have been having serious doubts. I have been anxious the whole way through and have ignored these. My partner is a wonderful man. He has a great job and earns a lot of money, which gives us a lovely lifestyle. It also makes me comfortable regarding the future and the life we could have once we have children. We have a lovely home and I moved my life to be with him. His family and friends are amazing and they have for the past 4 and a half years been my life.

The thing is, we don't seem to communicate anymore and there is no affection. This is really starting to upset me and as wrong as it is to say, my eyes have began to wander. I have never acted upon this nor would I.

My question is, I feel so so down and low. All I ever think about now is should I or should I not marry him. I would always be looked after, but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. However, the thought of calling of a wedding and upsetting everyone, losing my life that I know and coping with a break up, even if I have doubts, is causing me serious heartache.

OP posts:

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/04/2019 15:25

My partner is a wonderful man. He has a great job and earns a lot of money, which gives us a lovely lifestyle. It also makes me comfortable regarding the future and the life we could have once we have children.

But you don't love him. And that's everything. Money is no compensation in the long term. Being a parent taxes us to our limits. Doing so with a man you don't love is miserable.

I could have married a wealthy man I didn't love. Instead I married a poor man I loved and who loved me back. 100% the right decision.

Swiminthesea23 · 04/04/2019 16:32

So you're with him for the lifestyle he provides?

Lacey2019 · 04/04/2019 16:33

Not for the lifestyle, but I know that for me and him having moved to London for him, I couldn't be here. I haven't known a life outside of him for 4 years. I don't know whether it is major cold feet, but I am not excited at all about getting married.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2019 16:35

Have you spoken to him about the distance you feel between you?

AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2019 16:35

It's neither fair on you nor him to marry him , money is an awful reason to marry and have kids with someone

HeyJude81 · 04/04/2019 16:36

I think you’ve answered your own question.
A lifestyle like that is only enjoyable if you’re in love with the person you’re sharing it with.

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 16:42

Just wondering....do you still find him attractive? Sexually?

sandi2019 · 04/04/2019 16:44

Ps....if there is no communication and affection it cant be much fun for him either......he might be feeling the same....

GinUnicorn · 04/04/2019 16:45

I think if you don’t love him you can’t force yourself.

You deserve to be happy with someone. Love changes especially with children it can be hard work - if you don’t really love each other I could see it all going horribly wrong.

If you don’t think it will work it is okay to call the wedding off.

Good luck OP

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2019 16:49

If you don't truly love him, you shouldn't marry him.

If you're having doubts, you shouldn't marry.

And if your eyes are 'starting to wander' you definitely shouldn't marry him!

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking (and how old is he?)

If there is no affection from him towards you either, he might be having the same doubts.

GillianUsedToLiveHere · 04/04/2019 16:53

we don't seem to communicate anymore and there is no affection what are you doing to address that?

Are you trying to be affectionate and being rejected or are you not trying? Are you consciously trying to talk to him?

Money isn't everything. We certainly didn't have it when we first married.

FermatsTheorem · 04/04/2019 17:35

Sadly, this is one of those situations where, as a wise woman said to me when I was twenty something and agonising over my long-term boyfriend, "if you're not sure, the answer's no."

Yes, it's a huge upheaval calling off a wedding. It's an even bigger upheaval getting a divorce, and divorcing once there are children in the mix as well is even worse still.

Only you know what's in your head, but from what you've written here, you don't come across as wanting to marry him. Wanting to be married, perhaps, wanting a financially stable, comfortable lifestyle, perhaps (and that's not a judgement; who wouldn't want that if it came with no strings attached), but wanting to marry him in particular rather than anyone else, no I'm not picking that up from your post at all.

RaspberryGirl · 04/04/2019 17:55

I called off my wedding for pretty much the same reasons 8 years ago. It was an awful time but I haven’t regretted it since.

You know in your heart what you need to do, you just have to be brave.

DelphiMum · 04/04/2019 19:14

This sounds exactly like a friend of mine. She married him and moved out 6 weeks after the wedding. Once the buzz of the event was over and marriage hadn’t changed the relationship she was still unhappy.

Beargrin · 04/04/2019 19:38

Op could you be depressed? Maybe you could speak to him properly about how you're feeling, maybe even postpone the wedding.
I think you may regret leaving without at least giving it a try.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/04/2019 20:07

If you feel like this now imagine after 20 years of marriage!

Fear of disappointing people amd havong a comfortable life are both terrible reasons to marry someone.....its not the 1800s

You will end up perpetually miserable and the likelihood is you will cheat. It sounds like you both know its over but neither of you has the balls to end it.

Lacey2019 · 05/04/2019 11:34

I would like to say thank you, it has been some serious comfort reading these and I do not feel like the worst person in the world. I am 29 and he is 30. I know potentially my first comments may not have come across in the best way. With 4 months to go and peoples excitement etc, it seems so wrong I feel this way. In addition there are also stag and hen dos booked, which people have spent a lot of money on. We don't regularly have sex, potentially once every 2 weeks as I just don't feel like I want to, which sounds really horrible to say. He never has been affectionate, but I probably didn't realise just how much I want or crave that. If I try to be affectionate, text or say nice things, he will ask why I am doing that or wasting my time as I should know he doesn't like that.

If I called the wedding off or postponed it, that would be it obviously for us. I lost my dad several years ago and that had a huge impact upon me in terms of my confidence.

It is the hardest situation I have ever been in and he is such a good man, that I feel like the world's worst person as his family and friends treat me like their own, but when it comes to him, i'm not excited to go home anymore, I don't look forward to weekends and I will work on so I don't need to go home :(

OP posts:

thinkingcapon · 05/04/2019 11:53

You didn't mention if you've spoken to him about this? Maybe he feels this way too?!

It's really such a horrible feeling isn't it? Be kind to yourself x think of the advice you'd give your best friend if she were in the same position.........

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/04/2019 14:43

I had a big white wedding. When I got to the altar and turned to face my groom the crowded church melted away. All we could see was each other. Utter love and happiness. It was a magical moment, one I will never forget.

If you're not going to feel like that, please don't marry him. It's not fair on either of you. Just think: how's your DP going to find a woman who loves his very bones if you're in the way?

HollowTalk · 05/04/2019 14:53

He never has been affectionate, but I probably didn't realise just how much I want or crave that. If I try to be affectionate, text or say nice things, he will ask why I am doing that or wasting my time as I should know he doesn't like that.

That is a massive red flag.

we don't seem to communicate anymore

This is another.

Did you used to communicate well? Is he capable of communicating well?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/04/2019 15:02

Please think hard and long about HollowTalk's post, OP.

Lacey2019 · 05/04/2019 15:17

Thank you all again :). I have spoken to him about my doubts and feelings. He doesn't seem to think that there is an issue. He also doesn't want to call off a wedding or for it not to happen. I am just over 4 months away and I am not excited or looking forward to it at all. I just feel such a let down with it all, which is really horrible. I also feel terrible on him, as he invested so much in a future for me to turn around and say that its not what I really believe I want anymore :(.

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Wallywobbles · 05/04/2019 15:25

It's a hell of a thing to brush under the carpet. Is that his plan?

My marriage lasted less than 4 years. And if we'd never married it would've been a better plan really. And I knew going in it that it was rocky but I was pregnant and my parents wouldn't have wanted my to be an unwed mother. Absurd reasoning and conditioning in retrospect.

DH2. Never had a seconds doubt. Totally solid. We are still having counseling though because a blended family is bloody tough. So even with everything in our favor, enough money, health, happiness, affection, sex and love it's still hard.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/04/2019 15:31

He sounds like he is burying his head in the sand. This cannot be ignored by him or you. People do call off weddings and its ok for them to do so. The guests will get over their disappointment and move on with their own lives.

I would call it off sooner rather than later because I can certainly see you at the divorce courts re him at some point. Its not too late at all to call this all off, people will understand and if they do not that is their issue.

LiveLaughLove123 · 05/04/2019 15:42

Don't worry about upsetting other people in regards to calling off the wedding, you've got to put yourself and your happiness first.

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